A child behaves “badly” - he is capricious, rude, shows aggression, fights, got a bad mark, scattered something, spilled something, broke something - the first reaction of adults, as a rule, “automatically” is to scold.
It seems to us that if we quarrel, the child’s behavior will change. Sometimes it actually changes, but not for long, and sometimes it gets even worse and you have to swear even more...
The thing is that when we swear, we do not pay enough attention to learning.
But this is one of the most important tasks for us, parents - to teach a child what he cannot yet cope with, what he cannot do, what he cannot yet do.
After all, if a child is scolded for not understanding something, then he will not understand it better.
If he doesn’t know how to do something, he won’t learn it from scolding.
If he doesn’t understand some consequences or dangers that are obvious to an adult, he will never understand why it’s dangerous, why it’s wrong, and how it’s correct.
Confession of a child
Here is a child's confession about parental scandals.
“When my parents fight, I feel helpless. All I can do is sit and wait for all this to end. I just don’t know how to protect and, most importantly, who: mom or dad, because I love them both.
Sometimes they think I'm sleeping, but I'm not. I look at their shadows on the wall right in the family photo where we are captured so happy. And I really want to take my parents by the hands and reconcile them. My only wish is that my parents never quarrel.”
Mom constantly scolds me.
Maria, hello!
I want to tell you that it is very brave to write a letter here on the site and share your problems and experiences. I see that life in your family is becoming unbearable for you. You work a lot, you get tired, and there is no way to relax at home.
Now you don’t have your own place, your house has turned from a fortress into a field of incessant hostilities, from which it is impossible to hide. Your mother hits you where it hurts, it’s as if she is punishing you for trusting her, opening up, for showing up, for living your life. You can't trust her anymore.
Living in such an environment is not only difficult, I would even say impossible. As if you don’t have the right to rest, to your desires, your feelings, your space. And even when you say that you are tired, this is not taken into account.
I cannot say based on the letter what is causing your mother’s behavior. Perhaps she has always been like this, or this is her reaction to you growing up, and this is her way of expressing her fears about your separation and subsequent independence.
And it is important to understand what is happening to you at this moment, how you are experiencing it. Your desire to move is an absolutely healthy desire for a young girl. And your thoughts about completely cutting ties are a reaction to constant pressure and humiliation. After all, no matter what you say, no matter what you do, there will still be something that does not suit your mother, and which will lead to another scandal and conflict. You so want her to hug you, to tell you how much she loves you, to accept you and your life. And they don’t hear you, and it’s very sad, it’s unbearably painful, because mom is a close person, and now she’s so far away and constantly attacks.
There is no specific question in your letter, and it seems to me that it was very important for you to speak out and express everything that has accumulated in you - your pain, sadness, anger and powerlessness. Anger at how you are treated, how you are not valued. Powerlessness because right now you don’t have the opportunity to leave, it’s like you’re trapped. And it’s important for you to get support, to lean on someone. Do you have people close to you who can listen to you? Don’t be afraid to ask for help, talk about what’s happening to you, there’s nothing shameful in it, but how else will someone understand that you feel so bad. You really need to feel warm and cared for.
I want to tell you that I feel your pain, your experiences, and at the same time I see your strength, you endure everything that happens to you. And now it is important for you to remain yourself, despite the difficult situation. Take care of yourself, listen to your desires. Remember that your mother is an adult who can cope, and you don’t have to worry about your family, you can start building your life, because as you wrote, “you are a person too” - and this is an absolutely fair statement.
I believe that you will succeed. And if you feel that you need support, that you need to speak out and express your feelings, you can write here or email me
Sincerely, Svetlana Bashtynskaya.
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Scientific evidence
In fact, a negative effect on a child’s brain occurs as early as six months: naturally, due to parental quarrels. As proof, here is a study by Dr. Alice from Oregon State University. During the experiment, brain scans were performed on 20 infants aged from six months to one year. As a result, it was found that brain activity changes depending on intonation. So, if a child hears anger and aggression, then the areas responsible for stress and emotion regulation are activated.
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Here are more negative consequences of parental quarrels for a child.
Malaise
Often parents think, let’s put the child to bed, close the door to the nursery and then we’ll sort things out. Apparently he won't hear anything because he'll be asleep. But usually conflicts occur in a raised voice. And let's be honest: who among us as a child did not eavesdrop on what was happening behind a closed door? Especially if there are screams, bad words, insults, etc. So at such a moment the child experiences exactly the same stress (if not more) as if you were making a scandal in his presence. As a result, this leads to a high level of anxiety and tension. Children may lose their appetite, headaches, migraines, problems with digestion, sleep, etc. may begin. That is, there is a high probability of deterioration in well-being and health due to stress.
If a child is scolded for:
– Jealous of a brother/sister - jealousy will not go away.
– If he is angry with his parents, the anger will not evaporate, but will only increase.
– If he can’t cope with his studies, he won’t understand the subject better.
If he drops, scatters or breaks something, scolding will not make him more careful or dexterous, and besides, don’t adults ever fall, break or spill anything?
No one is immune from this! What's the point of scolding?
If a child behaves undesirably, ask yourself the question: “How can I TEACH him to behave differently?”
Aggression
When a child often witnesses how mom and dad throw out negative emotions at each other, then he can subsequently adopt this behavior strategy himself. Girls can grow up to be grumpy young ladies who don't mince words because that's how their mothers behaved. It will not be difficult for the boys to use physical force, because they have seen similar behavior from their father. In general, children who grow up in such an unhealthy atmosphere of quarrels and scandals become more aggressive than their peers, and this only gets worse with age.
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What to do when parents quarrel with each other and even fight - instructions for children and teenagers
Hi all. My name is (...), I’m 14. After reading the comments, I realized that everyone was writing about their parents. But my situation is a little different from yours. My grandparents are quarreling. Moreover, before, about half a year ago, this was not noticed. When I witnessed their quarrel (the very first time I learned about their quarrel), they were in their room. They tried to speak more quietly and hide it from me and my parents, but after a while everything could be heard... Grandfather began to shout at grandmother, who snapped back. Both of them seemed to have pride in their asses. At this time, I was sitting in another room (and we were alone in the house, because mom went to the store, and dad was laying tiles in the yard), and I was afraid. She was afraid that her grandfather would raise his hand against her. But, no matter how much I wanted it, I still heard a roar, the furious muttering of my grandfather... But then something happened that was etched in my memory for a long time. There was silence, and only my grandfather’s muttering could be heard, but suddenly I heard my grandmother’s cries for help. She called her son (my dad). Knowing that my son was not in the house and couldn’t hear anything, I was afraid to go to their room, so, after half a minute of thought, I called my dad on the phone (because I was afraid to pass by their room, accidentally meeting my grandfather). Dad picked up the phone, and I stuttered, tried to speak more quietly and explain what was happening, but dad told me to come out to him and tell him. I gathered all my strength and ran out to dad and said in a tearful voice that they were fighting. Afterwards, there was a conversation where dad tried to protect both me and my grandmother, and my grandfather said something about jealousy, like, a whore, a prostitute, ... In general, (during the conversation I went to my room, because I felt an evil look on me grandfather) after the conversation, my grandfather came to me and said with anger in his voice, “Thank you very much...” and left. Your mother! What else could I do? So that he would strangle her to hell?! Lord.. I'm scared.. I'm scared that he will come to me, and.. I'm afraid of him. I dream of him in nightmares, and in my dreams no evil can compare with him. A few months later, there were no fights (at least I didn’t see it..), but every fucking day, they look at each other like a wolf, and you can hear them quietly but swearing in private. He calls her everything he can. And today, when I saw my grandmother sitting in a chair, she was covering her cheek with a rag. I asked what was wrong with her, she replied that her tooth hurt. But I know that this is far from a tooth.. I’m afraid that he will kill her someday, that he will become crazy (if it’s not too late), I’m afraid that one day I will be alone at home, and he will come to me. After all, then no one will be able to protect me.. Please help. What should I do with this senile old man? How not to go crazy?.. Guys, hang in there. Suicide is not a solution. Never let your fears come out. (Hah, sorry, I don’t know how to give advice yet, but I just want to support you. I’m with you, and I understand you.)
Poor performance
When the family environment is quiet and calm, then the child can concentrate on studying and doing homework.
That is, this atmosphere is favorable, so the student has every chance to join the ranks of excellent students. When there are constant quarrels and scandals in the family, the children simply have no time for studying. As a result, their performance decreases.
So mothers and fathers who are dissatisfied with their child’s grades should pay attention first of all to their behavior. In order for children to show results, they need to create conditions for this. So instead of quarreling, it’s better to do your homework with your child once again.
Instead of scolding:
– Explain
– Show
– Help
– Teach
Yes, sometimes you have to explain and show many times. But your child didn’t learn to walk right away—it took time. You didn't scold him while he was learning this, did you? We somehow have more patience, affection and support for kids.
Instead of scolding, teach your child - this is a great help for him to know how to act in a given situation more correctly, better, safer, wiser.
Imagine that you are just learning to play the piano, a teacher sits next to you and repeats:
- How do you hold your hands? - Wrong! - This is not the chord here! - What place do you think? - Bad sound! – You can’t play notes like that! - This is no good!
And another example:
– Raise your elbows higher. – Here we need the note “C”. - Take an A minor chord. - Curled your fingers. - Here you need to be loud and loud. – Press here quietly. – It’s already much better, it’ll be done soon! - What do you not understand?
Completely two different approaches, right?
In one, the teacher states: everything is bad, wrong, not right. He speaks irritably and dissatisfied. DOES NOT explain or help you learn what is not yet clear.
In the second, the teacher’s focus is on HOW to help, explain, show, support. He speaks calmly, kindly, and clarifies what is not clear? What do you need help with?
This is a metaphor for different approaches to parenting. What do you do most often?
Reluctance to start a family
For a child, a family is a mini-model of society and the surrounding world. In most cases, children copy the behavior of their parents, but there are also those who work on their mistakes and already in adulthood realize that they do not want to live like their mom and dad. Hence the reluctance to start a family.
If a girl constantly witnessed how her father mocked her mother, how she often cried, drank valerian, and how she suffered, then the daughter will not express a desire to follow in her footsteps. For her, marriage will be associated with something terrible.
The same can be said about the boy. If in childhood he observed constant quarrels between his parents, then as an adult he will want to enjoy a calm environment. Having a woman nearby, and even more so living together with her, a priori causes negativity. And even if such a man understands with his mind that there are other families, that it depends on the partners how they build relationships, he will still have a negative attitude towards marriage.
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If you have already explained the same thing many times, but “things are still there”:
– It’s still difficult for a child to understand or master this; it takes time and your patience. - He forgets, because... it doesn’t matter to him, but it matters to you - help him remember. – Do it together (not instead of TO) until he learns. – Ask: “How can I help?” “What don’t you understand”, “What solution do you see”? “He thinks: “What’s the point of trying, they don’t notice my efforts, they just scold me” - celebrate out loud for the good, praise - let him believe that he’s succeeding, he’s coping. – He is stubborn because... he wants to show his “I” - help him show his will (personal strength) throughout the day in different situations. – When a child feels an emotional connection with you, he is more flexible and easier to negotiate with!
PS Important announcement.
You will learn STEP BY STEP how not to scream or lash out at the seminar “HOW TO STOP MYSELF IF I’M ALREADY TURNED ON.”
Click here to learn how to manage your anger.
Ekaterina Kes, child and family psychologist. My Instagram
