What fights could end your relationship?

You show complete disrespect for your partner

It starts with a small complaint such as “You didn't do the dishes” but develops into a general criticism such as “You don't help around the house at all.” And this, in turn, develops into making a judgment about character: “You are a selfish lazy person!” This doesn't happen overnight, but gradually builds up, chipping away at the foundation of your marriage, piece by piece. Remember that quarrels should never start with “you”. This way of expressing thoughts is equivalent to pointing your finger and saying: “You did this, you did that!” What direction might your partner move in after this? He can only come at you with a counterattack.

How not to quarrel with your husband?

Maria Semele, mother of a wonderful daughter, author of the book “The Great Secret of a Happy Woman”

Are you even sure that there is no need to quarrel with your husband?

Have you ever thought about why we women generally quarrel with our husbands?

Sometimes, of course, because we don’t know how not to quarrel, how to act in some difficult situation, that is, quarrels out of naivety.

But most often we have direct benefit from these quarrels! Don't believe me? Otherwise, why should we quarrel?

What kind of quarrels are there?

1. Quarrel-pleasure
2. A quarrel is a solution to a specific problem.
3. Quarrel - “well, it happened, well, I couldn’t restrain myself... after all, I’m a woman!”

You are surprised and doubt whether it is worth reading the article further, you seem to have decided to read it in order to understand how not to quarrel with your husband, and here I am telling you how to quarrel? Or perhaps you are a little intrigued and wondering, what’s next?

In any case, read on, because... You will find answers to your questions about how not to quarrel with your husband, or rather, how to quarrel with your husband correctly and what great benefits there are from quarrels! J

Think about what word the word “quarrel” comes from?

One of the interpretations that I like is a quarrel from rubbish, to quarrel “to cleanse from rubbish.”

Therefore, any quarrel is a cleansing of any debris in a relationship. And if you quarrel and clear away debris correctly, then it will bring you great benefit.

How to do this, a little later. And now about the quarrels.

1. Quarrel-pleasure . As paradoxical as it may sound, quarrels bring pleasure. Which one exactly? A quarrel gives an outlet to long-accumulated negative emotions, which, if kept inside for a long time, can lead to an explosive situation. Therefore, this kind of emotional release brings short-term emotional pleasure. You've probably noticed this. As soon as I blurted it out, it became easier. But this is at the first moment, then the mind turns on, since the emotions have already faded away, and pangs of conscience begin, somehow it’s uncomfortable because I yelled again, and the result? If you really want to get emotional pleasure, then you can do it, firstly, in a different way, for example, go to the store for new clothes, get a haircut or draw, write an article if you like it, etc., everyone has their own ways. Secondly, if you still get a big thrill from such Italian showdowns, then treat it like a game and have fun. Do not suffer from pangs of conscience if this brings some elusive pleasure to both you and your husband. Perhaps you have such a temperament or Italian roots. J Then why deny yourself the pleasure. When you play, you simultaneously have fun and control the situation, with absolute confidence that this can only be good for everyone.

2. Quarrel - solution to a specific problem . What does it mean? You unconsciously use a quarrel to solve a problem you need, either yours personally, or a socially beneficial one. An example of your personal task: You need your husband’s attention, but he doesn’t give it to you. Affection, intrigue, etc. don’t work. Then you turn on the heavy artillery. And, lo and behold, it works! He pays attention to you, and he gets excited, and puts his energy and emotionality into the communication process, and that’s all you need. The situation is similar with solving some family problem. For example, in order for everyone to have fun while eating in the kitchen, you need to make a shelf where you will put this miniature TV, which will entertain everyone. Persuasion, the role of a woman who “well, I’ll do it myself, with an unhappy face” do not work for the husband. What to do? Well, who else but you knows his weak points, you know how to turn him on, and even though he gets angry, he will eventually nail this shelf. You yourself know about your husband’s weaknesses. Let's not expand here. But the main thing is that the problem is solved! Well, motivation can be different: there is a carrot, and there is also a stick! Really, women? It’s just important not to overdo it. And there is a golden rule: first the carrot, then the stick, then the carrot again. Don't forget about this. Moreover, there should be much more gingerbread.

3. Quarrel - “well, it happened, well, I couldn’t restrain myself... after all, I’m a woman!” This quarrel, either explicitly or implicitly, is also beneficial for you. Firstly, you can be convinced once again that you are the weaker sex, and this is your advantage, secondly, you are so emotional, and this is your weaker side, but it is precisely this that adorns all your other advantages, thirdly, there is always an excuse why it didn’t work out, and fourthly, well, you always said that this “Ko....eL...”, “all men are Svo...”, etc. Why do you need this? Yes, to reassure yourself that the reason is in him, and not in you.

BUT! All of the above - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but it definitely doesn’t create in your family the relationships that you and your husband and children want, of course!

There are better ways! And if you want to know about them, then read the continuation...

When you argue, you insist that you are right

Doll eyelashes and “beehives”: why the fashion of the 60s will not catch on today

Eljay boasted gifts from his wife worth several million: photo

A simple facade and a minimum of furniture: 2 different houses look like an oasis of calm

Yes, saying “I was wrong” can be difficult, but you should definitely do it if you are in a relationship. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? No one is one hundred percent right all the time. Instead of trying to figure out who is right, you should be trying to figure out how to fix things. If you fight with your partner over small things, try to let go of the problem as soon as possible.

You disagree about children

Most likely, you talked about children before getting married. However, feelings can change. Perhaps someone is afraid that children will interfere with their career. Or you want to give up because you have learned that due to certain problems you cannot have children. Not being 100 percent on the same page when it comes to parenting can lead to frustration. Being a parent comes with a lot of physical and emotional responsibility.

Recommendations and methods

Many people think about this question: “What can be found out during a showdown?” Isn't all this fuss senseless and devoid of any logic? Maybe quarrels and scandals should be avoided in principle so as not to spoil interpersonal connections? Do you need to constantly give in or strive at all costs to prove that you are right? And yet, how to sort things out correctly? What should you strive for in order to try to offend your interlocutor as little as possible?

Why do the majority lose their temper and cannot resist insulting their opponent? Let's take a closer look at effective recommendations and methods. They are worth paying attention to, especially if you are not a fan of conflicts and prefer to resolve issues in a constructive way.

You quarrel over the same issue over and over again.

Where you should spend a little more money: on things that save time

Summer lemonade: a simple recipe with melon and watermelon balls

A friend baked beetroot bread and gave it to me to try. Now I only cook it

And again. You scold him for not changing the paper in the toilet. You need to constantly remind her to call on her way home from work. Or your problems are more serious, such as what religion your children will belong to. Believe it or not, you are not quarreling about the subject of your quarrel. Constant, recurring conflicts demonstrate differences in lifestyles and characters.

Frequent quarrels over trifles. Psychological technique: “Conflict resolution.” Part 1.

Frequent quarrels over trifles. Psychological technique: “Conflict resolution.” Part 1. We welcome everyone to the psychological help website via skype Psi-Labirint.ru! And today we will talk about conflicts and quarrels in relationships and will also present to your attention a psychological technique with which you can resolve your conflicts and change your ineffective behavior. All pleasant reading and unusual results from performing psychological techniques!

Our life is a train of various conflicts. And no matter where we are at work, at home or with friends, conflicts still haunt us. And almost all conflicts are significant for us, which is why we love to “dig” into ourselves and others, demanding resolution of this stressful event. In this regard, the question arises: are there ways, methods, psychological techniques that will help us cope with this? Or is it still impossible to do without seeking psychological advice?

But first I would like to say that conflicts can arise for various reasons. The most common version: these are daily differences of opinion, the opposition of one’s own and others’ opinions, needs, desires, hopes, interests, etc. In general, the cause of conflicts is that you do not want to recognize the individuality of the other person. Then will you recognize yours?

And the most uncommon version of conflicts in relationships: these are our own unexpressed emotions, feelings, and childhood grievances.

So, let's see. How, with the help of a very simple psychological technique, you can cope with conflicts in relationships. How to make your relationship with the man or woman you love even better?

Often our clients ask us to give them psychological techniques for personal use. We decided to post in this article one of the conflict resolution techniques that we use in psychological consultations via Skype. But this psychological technique has one caveat: it is better for a psychologist to perform it on you. But we still hope that you can handle it yourself and begin to resolve your conflicts in relationships without a psychologist.

Read and follow the psychological technique below, “How to deal with quarrels and conflicts in relationships.” Before performing this psychological technique, you will need a pen and a notebook where you will need to write down all observations.

1. Choose the behavior that most bothers you (your behavior, not your partner’s). Why do you need to take your behavior into this psychological technique? Because you can manage the relationship yourself. But more often, of course, you hope that your loved one owes you something. But if so, then you are just a doll that can be controlled. You know, your partner also thinks so and also expects something from you. And as a result, quarrels and conflicts in relationships grow, intensify and do not find their solution. You are offended and angry at yourself and at your loved one, which ultimately leads to separation. Therefore, in your notebook, write down a list of your usual reactions to a quarrel or conflict. For example: “I begin to feel tension in my body, I turn away from my loved one, hang up, start raising my voice, etc.” Try to remember all the manifestations and write them down in a notebook.

2. Try to internally experience a quarrel or conflict with your loved one as if you were experiencing it in reality. Write down what sensations you have in your body? (This could be tightness in the muscles and tension, tingling, cold or heat in parts of the body, etc.). You may also notice details that you had not previously noticed.

3.Now intensify your symptoms: make your muscles tense even more. If you threw an object at a wall, throw it even harder at the wall. And while remaining in this tension, write down your feelings (anger, resentment, disappointment, etc.) in a notebook. But don't write your conclusions. Feelings are not your abstract thoughts and desires. For example: “I want to hit him and he’s a bastard!” There is no feeling, it’s melancholy, loneliness, hopelessness, anxiety, etc.)

4. Now describe in your notebook what your behavior is like (describe it in a metaphor), for example: “my behavior is like a storm at sea that demolishes coastal villages...”.

5. Describe how you could have done things differently to prevent quarrels or conflict in your relationship? What would you say you would do?

6. Now turn to your metaphor again and mentally imagine that you are that very storm. Answer the question in your notebook. What are the characteristics of you in this metaphor? What are you doing in this image with your loved one? What would you say to your loved one in this terrifying (or vice versa harmless and defenseless) image?

7. The seventh part of this technique may seem funny and ridiculous to you, but believe me! It works! Now you need to become yourself and talk to your metaphorical image. Become aware of what you are saying to him. What feelings are you experiencing? Write them down in your notebook.

8. Now become the image again and respond to everything that was said to you as the image. Record in your notebook what you do in this behavior, how you act in response to what you just talked to. How is your behavior useful for you? And how do you make life easier? What do you help avoid conflict in relationships with the help of this behavior? What would you, as a symptom, like to tell your loved one?

9. Talk on behalf of this image with your friends, loved ones, colleagues (of course, not in reality, but at home, alone, say all the words out loud). Tell them how you influence them when you are in this role. What could they tell you then?

10. Write down in your notebook the answers to the questions: what do you change in your life when you are like this (like this)? What disappears? What could be coming? Is there anything in these changes that maybe you wanted to do yourself? Write it all down and read everything you wrote. Whatever result you get, changes in your behavior will begin and gradually you will feel it.

We wrote above that it is better for the psychologist to perform this technique on you. When you undertake to do something with yourself on your own, there is a high probability that you will feel sorry for yourself, you will miss something from your behavior, only because you are more pleased to see yourself as good, and you will miss bad qualities and the situation in the relationship may don't change. And then, you simply may not want to accept the results from psychological techniques.

We also assume that behind the superficial facade of your relationship, especially when it is in the “everything is fine with us” phase, there are deeper conflicts hidden, the roots of which come from childhood, which need to be resolved in psychological consultation. Therefore, the phase “everything is fine with us” is constantly interrupted by the phase: “we quarreled!” And the last phase intensifies, bringing you to the phase: “we broke up!”

In a psychological consultation via Skype, we work with you so that you can consider your conflicts, i.e., consider “how do I do this?”, “how do I increase the conflict in relationships?”, “what is the unresolvable contradiction or internal source of helplessness?” is the conflict behind my reactions to my loved one and is he reacting to me incorrectly?” And accept the results that you get from working with a psychologist.

Why is it better to discuss your problems with a psychologist? Because, with a psychologist, you do not beat around the bush about your conflict behavior, or the behavior of your loved one. Does the psychologist listen to what you say and how you say it? How do you react to conflicts in relationships? All information about you, passing through the psychologist, returns back to you and you gain more knowledge about how you are not acting correctly and how you should act.

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You fight about sex

If one of you wants sex but the other doesn't, your lack of intimacy could mean you're in a platonic relationship. Due to physical and emotional vulnerability, this problem can be very difficult to resolve. However, it is very important to do this. Without physical contact, partners feel rejected, which can lead to self-doubt, frustration, anger, and rage.

You quarrel over chores

Every time I cook Swedish potatoes, I think of my grandmother

Instead of releasing new, cheaper versions, Tesla has reduced the price of the current Model Y

A scheduling conflict breaks tradition: a new book about the schism in the House of Windsor

If your dirty laundry basket is overflowing, it could be hurting your marriage more than you think. A 2015 study found that people in more egalitarian relationships have higher relationship satisfaction and more sex than couples who don't share housework. If you're in a fair and balanced relationship, you don't mind taking on responsibilities and some tasks around the house.

Are such quarrels considered normal or is our relationship in danger?

You may never have heard of it, but some arguments are healthier than others (all thanks to existing good ways to handle an argument). And the way they go in your couple can tell a lot about your relationship.

If your typical methods of handling an argument are more along the lines of the seven correct techniques, don't worry because you have a healthy relationship and it's moving in the right direction. If you use any of the seven wrong techniques together in a quarrel, you have a chance to improve and put your relationship in order.

Wrong: When it comes to a quarrel, all means are fair

That's right: you have defined the ground rules in your quarrels.

As spouses, you should set some ground rules for how to handle arguments. Both of you should look back and, having analyzed your past mistakes, use this experience to regulate your future contradictions.

For example, you might decide not to interrupt each other while each of you explains your point of view. Or you can identify taboo topics that you will not touch upon in quarrels.

Once you set these ground rules, start sticking to them and don't deviate from them even when things get really daunting and heated.

Incorrect: You avoid making difficult decisions.

That's right: you boldly take on important decisions, even if they may provoke a quarrel.

Avoiding making decisions just to avoid a fight is a big risk for any healthy relationship. Decisions regarding children, intimate relationships, where to live and much more take a lot of time and require understanding.

Waiting until the very last moment to make a decision will not give you or your spouse a chance to explore all the options and understand what you or your partner really want. Do your relationship a favor and bring up potentially difficult topics when your relationship is calm and you're not under pressure to make a decision.

Incorrect: You lose control of your emotions during an argument.

That's right: you keep a cool head during an argument.

In the heat of the moment, your arguments may become too loud and hysterical. If shouting accompanies your quarrels too often, you urgently need to improve it. Couples who know how to argue well do not allow their emotions to overshadow reason, empathy and understanding.

“There should be no screaming in the house unless there is a fire.” David O. McKay

Wrong: You lose respect for your partner during an argument.

Correct: You still respect your partner even if you don't agree with their point of view.

In unhealthy disputes, two people communicate with each other with extreme disrespect, do not neglect to use sarcasm, insult each other and use prohibited techniques. It is completely normal for spouses to disagree with each other, but in the process of quarrels they are simply contraindicated to resort to the use of offensive comments.

Respect each other regardless of the topic you are discussing.

Wrong: you know you're right

That's right: you remain objective during an argument.

In unhealthy arguments, everyone in the couple fights to be right. In healthy arguments, everyone in the couple aims to solve the problem and restore mutual understanding.

Try not to jump to conclusions during an argument, don't let your pride come to the fore, and really consider your partner's point of view.

Incorrect: you are arguing over the phone or video call

That's right: you quarrel in person

A huge amount of our conversations happen through text messages, emails and private messages on social networks. But when it comes to arguments with your partner, meeting in person will help resolve the issues more productively.

“When two parties argue face to face, they see and pay attention to each other's body language, intonation, and can better understand how their words affect each other. says psychotherapist Garth Mintun. “There is less room for imagination, and therefore less misunderstanding and misinterpretation, which usually exacerbate conflicts and result in unintended consequences.”

Wrong: Having an “every man for himself” mentality

Correct: your mindset: “we are a team”

At the end of the day, you are a team, no matter where you disagree. Never lose sight of the big picture, especially if you're upset.

When you have a complete picture of the world in your head, you don't want to do or say anything that will have a lasting destructive effect. With a partnership-oriented mindset, you will always remember that the love you feel for your significant other is more important than anything else you disagree about.

If your methods of arguing are mostly wrong, don't worry, because this is something that you and your lover can work on. Start now to strive for a healthy, happy relationship.

Comments

You quarrel over your family

If you feel like your partner hates your family, or if he or she feels the same way, you may end up disappointed in each other. Yes, you can talk about how to communicate with each other's families, but you need to do it in a nice way. If you are going to criticize or comment on your partner's family in any way, you need to do it with respect for your partner and consideration of his feelings.

Yulia Podanenko

I was inspired to write this article by one wonderful couple who turned to me for help. There was a lot of sensual energy between them, but they were not used to talking about their differences constructively. This needs to be learned. This is a skill that helps a lot, especially when seasoned with love.

Dedicated to all loving couples.

He saw her, she was beautiful... First acquaintance... Falling in love... Passionate sex...

A girl in love can be seen from afar. As soon as he appears in her field of vision, she is transformed. Life, real life begins to shine in her eyes. The back is straightened, the posture is like that of a queen, the gestures are softer, the voice trembles. “You are beautiful, I like you just the way you are, I adore you.” During this period, the idealization of the partner is very strong. There are a lot of emotions. Hormones sing their songs. Everything is fine. Relationships are the best. It would always be like this.

For some it lasts one day, and the next morning you have to reel in the fishing rods. Some lucky people stretch out the euphoric period for three years. But “always” doesn’t happen to anyone. Well, unless you are sick and something is wrong with your hormones. There comes a period when there seems to be love. What is there! She's even stronger than before. But the one I love acquires disgusting flaws, and sometimes it infuriates me so much that I want to kill him!

What does this mean for relationships?

Very often in couples, one is impulsive and quick-witted, while the other is the opposite. And then for one the quarrel is over, he has cooled down, his emotions have subsided - and everything is fine. “Dear (dear), how about celebrating our truce with hot sex?” But no, the partner “remains in a bad mood.” He held on so as not to get involved “in this hassle,” and is now experiencing the peak of negativity.

But even if your conflicts are completely synchronized - you started together, finished together, and went to the cinema holding hands. Still, repeated arguments can be exhausting. Then, at the slightest hint of a dispute, an inner voice whispers doomedly: “What, again???”

And what a shame it is when this repeated mess is not about the essence, but about the little things. After all, all this is not so important, not more important than relationships, but you turn on, as if you pressed a red button somewhere! And until the song finishes, there is no chance of peace.

A particularly dangerous case is when at least one of the participants in the scandal generalizes current emotions to all relationships. Now, in the current moment, he (she) believes that this is the END. The collapse of relationships: “This is no longer possible!”, “Divorce”, “Leave my house”, “I’m leaving”, and many other options. Sometimes they actually leave. They are returning. Or they don't come back. Who's so lucky? Well, depending on what you call luck, for some couples it’s better to break up once and for all than to continue torturing yourself and those around you.

What to do?

Today we are talking not just about the psychology of relationships, but about a quarrel, and any of its synonyms (conflict, scandal, hassle, dispute, squabble - underline as necessary). And to further narrow the topic, we will talk about how to behave during a quarrel. Provided it started. We won't talk about how to avoid a quarrel. And let's not talk about how to learn lessons. Not all at once.

• The first thing you can try to learn is to be aware of the starting point as early as possible. I have heard more than once from friends and clients that they find themselves conscious a couple of hours after an argument. When the tree along with its garlands has already been thrown out of the window, or there are pots with the remains of flowers on the floor.

• When you realize that you are getting worked up, try to localize the problem. What exactly doesn't suit you right now? Look for the wording. Clear, understandable.

• Go ahead. Remember, even if by force of will, the following: do you love this person? Or at least respect you? Do you appreciate it? Remember that emotional-sensual thing that, in principle, holds you together. This is the basis of your relationship. And this is important to always remember. During any quarrels. If, before making a claim, you tell your partner: “I remember that I love you. And I'm going to live with you for the rest of my life. This is why it is important for me to wake up every morning and not be irritated by dirty dishes. It’s important for me to find a solution to make our lives more comfortable.” And then the text of your main message. This approach (provided it is sincere, of course) will allow you, and even more so your interlocutor, to slow down a little. There will be a chance to get out of a defensive position and start listening to each other. Your subsequent words will no longer be so offensive or destructive.

• But of course this is not enough. Listen to exactly how you speak. Not what, but how. Not content, but form. It is important to say less “you” and more “I”. It is important to talk about the consequences of her (his) actions that you are experiencing. Are you annoyed? Are you uncomfortable in front of others? You are upset? Talk about this, and not just that “YOU are late again,” “YOU don’t take my opinion into account,” “YOU always criticize me.”

• Also... well, it is very advisable to avoid generalizations. “You always criticize” is exactly what you shouldn’t say. “Forever”, “always”, “everything”, “never”, “for nothing” - words that do not carry meaning and specificity, they only increase the emotional intensity. Do you need it?

And finally, two, in my opinion, the most difficult, but very valuable moments.

• First. Tell the other person why you are on their side in this situation. How much of what he does do you understand and accept? This is a step towards something else. And this provokes him (her) to also take a step towards you. And this is your goal, isn’t it?

• Second. Tell the other what you are ready to do in this situation. Yes Yes exactly. What can you do to help someone else meet you halfway? For some reason he can't do it. He doesn't do this out of spite. If we proceed from these premises, then the chance of being heard increases incredibly. If you prefer to believe that your partner is acting out of spite for you, forgive me, but this is a dead end. Then you can forget everything that is written here. Swear at yourself.

At the very end, I would like to note that all of the above is not dogma. You can be guided by these ideas, but execute them in your own way. And of course, I’m sure many of you have your own recipes for family diplomacy. Share them in the comments to the article, I will be very grateful to you for this, dear readers!

You fight about your lifestyle

Gave the bride a ring. But online the groom was called selfish for his strange decoration

Old warehouses or stables converted into small but comfortable residential buildings

Bio-cocktail for the garden helps me harvest a very large harvest of tomatoes and peppers

One partner likes to constantly socialize and communicate with friends. Another likes to stay at home and is an introvert. If someone in such a relationship is still “partying” like a young person, but the other partner does not, this will result in problems. The stay-at-home partner will feel that their loved one is not enough for them alone, which will make them feel guilty.

Relationships without quarrels

It would seem that living with a loved one without quarrels is an ideal option. But is it possible to build a healthy relationship without conflicts and clarification of things that don’t suit you? Each person may be dissatisfied with some actions, behavior, manners or habits that the other partner has. Perhaps the person simply tolerates them, or this is a manifestation of indifference.

A life without arguments is not an option for a relationship that needs to grow. After all, during the quarrel, existing problems are discussed. You just need to not perceive a quarrel as a process involving breaking dishes and dirty insults. This should be a moment for expressing pressing problems that need to be compromised. Therefore, life without clarifying relationships can be very fragile

Even quarrels have a positive aspect - at such a moment a person is able to show his entire character. He reveals his whole nature, which he could have hidden for a long time.

You fight over money

It is almost impossible to avoid the fact that every couple will quarrel over finances at one time or another. This is a very sensitive topic. However, if you can't agree on how to make, save, or spend money, you're entering dangerous territory. The partner who earns more than the other in the relationship should not take complete control of spending.

Presenting your requirements

As a rule, an open quarrel breaks out at the moment when opponents are unable to contain the accumulated negative emotions. It's actually better not to let it get to that point. It is necessary to set your demands within reasonable limits so as not to further offend your interlocutor. At the same time, the words should sound quite convincing and bold.

You can’t adapt to someone else’s opinion in everything, just as it’s wrong to stick to your line, no matter what. Requirements must be stated softly and at the same time quite firmly. You must clearly understand what you want to achieve as a result, what you are willing to sacrifice, and what points you should fundamentally defend to the end.

Thus, sorting things out is an art. You need to learn not just to express your point of view, but also to listen to someone else’s position and respond adequately to what is happening. It is quite possible that, following simple recommendations, people will even be able to come to an agreement, find a common language, and find additional points of contact. In order not to later regret the words spoken out loud, be sure to mentally think through everything that you are going to voice. This will save you from escalating the conflict.

You quarrel over lost love

If one partner doesn't feel the same connection that existed before, your relationship may fall apart. Perhaps the connection you once had is no longer there and you trust your best friend more than your partner. Every person who shares their problems with their best friends (and women do this very often) creates a triangle. The problem is that a third person appears in your personal relationship.

Work on mistakes

Why do people quarrel in general - and at the same time they are so afraid of conflicts? Because our interests often do not coincide with the interests of those around us, and we constantly have to somehow link one with the other. Look for a compromise, adapt, give in, avoid disputes - and, much less often, insist on your own.

As a result of the “conciliatory policy,” one of the parties always ends up losing and is in a state of chronic stress. Moreover, a person may not even be aware of what is happening to him.

Why does this happen? There are three common misconceptions about conflict.

1. Well-mannered people do not make scandals . In fact, conflict and scandal are not the same thing. A scandal is an unsystematic outburst of emotions with a negative result (she broke all the dishes in a rage - cut her finger while picking up the fragments; yelled at a subordinate - received a letter of resignation the next day). A conflict is a clash between two points of view. It can be played gracefully, like a chess game, and achieve the desired results.

2. They will stop loving me . Often a person does not defend his point of view for fear of angering his partner and losing his favor. The wife cannot hint to her husband that she is tired of cleaning up the house after the weekly parties he throws for his friends. After all, it is very difficult to get out of the image of the “ideal housewife,” even if these eternal guests have long deprived you of the opportunity to have yourself in your own home. Of course, having voiced your desires, you can receive in response a fountain of accusations of insensitivity and selfishness: “I had a better opinion of you, and you...” Typical manipulation! Once you succumb to it, you risk living your whole life for the convenience of others, and not for what you want yourself.

3. I will be considered an aggressive person . This mistake is especially common among women. It is believed that the ideal woman should be soft and compliant, and therefore outbursts of aggressiveness (that is, anger and irritation) must be suppressed. But anger cannot be kept inside forever - sooner or later it will break out, and it is not a fact that at the right moment for this.

Don’t be afraid to seem angry and insensitive; voice your desires. Compliance on important issues will not lead to good things; your silent sacrifices are unlikely to be appreciated, but rather taken for granted.

4. Quarrels undermine my health . Any conflict really leads to losses - emotional and physical. Adrenaline is released into the blood, blood pressure rises, pulse quickens, hands tremble - and these are just visible manifestations. Of course, the best option is to reach an agreement peacefully, which will save both you and your opponent energy. But hushing up the problem threatens to move the conflict into the stage of “chronic stress.” Experts agree that chronic stress is more harmful than intense, but short-term stress. Like a worm, it undermines the body’s defenses. Its manifestations are irritability, pain in the eyes in the morning, increased fatigue, decreased immunity and, as a result, frequent colds and exacerbation of “sores”.

Your arguments turn into personal criticism.

All you have to do is say, “Can you wash the dishes for me?” Instead, you say, “Why do you always forget to wash the dishes?” You are criticizing the person, not the action. You are attacking your partner's character. Criticism of your partner is one of the fastest ways to cause irreparable damage to your relationship. If you attack your chosen one's personality, it will lead to hurt feelings and hostility.

When you fight, you wonder why you ended up together in the first place.

Ideally, you should have fond feelings about the first time you met your partner's parents or the first time you shared an ice cream cone. You don't have to go back to the time he was an hour late to your best friend's birthday party. If your time together is spent reminiscing about bad times rather than enjoying the present and looking forward to the future, you may find yourself separated from each other in the future.

Clear boundaries

Showdowns should not turn into a real battlefield. You need to learn to indicate your position as specifically as possible in order to avoid any ambiguity. Otherwise, you will definitely remain guilty of something. You need to try not to deviate from the main topic and avoid getting too personal. Clearly setting boundaries will help reduce the severity of the conflict and ultimately resolve it faster.

The more prudence shown in these moments, the better. You should not throw out your irritation just because you have accumulated it. Show tolerance, respect, try to understand your interlocutor, find some significant points of contact.

You never quarrel

When the arguments stop, it can be a signal of the beginning of the end. This could be a sign that you are too emotionally distant to care about each other. Remember that your partner loved you exactly the way you were when you met. He loved listening to you defend your point of view. If you suddenly find yourself holding back your ideas about what is important to you, consider whether you have given up your personal power.

You fight because of the way you fight.

Most quarrels occur due to not particularly important reasons. Are unwashed dishes really that important to you? Not really. However, if you start getting personal and insulting each other, your quarrel moves to a new level. When this happens, you need to understand what is happening and take a break. You should only argue with your partner when emotional levels are low enough.

Rare but major quarrels

European families rarely, but aptly, arrange quarrels. They have a slightly different mentality and approach to family relationships. They can live peacefully with each other for quite a long time. But some stressful situation or other problem may be the last straw in your patience. Then the consequences of a quarrel cannot be predicted. And if it weren’t for the problem that appeared, everyone would continue to put up with their partner’s disadvantages.

In the modern world there are many factors that can bring a person to an emotional level. Possible problems at work, in society or others, for which the loved one is not to blame, fall on him. What kind of momentum a quarrel can gain, and how long the resentment will last after that is unknown. Everything will end well if both sides cooperate.

Also read: Playing on feelings as one of the methods to get what you want

You fight over trust issues

If cheating has occurred or the ability to trust has disappeared for some other reason, it is very difficult to recover from something like that. Your partner may be genuinely remorseful and do everything in their power to make you want to stay with them. But how can you know it won't happen again? It is very difficult to return to a normal relationship if you constantly doubt his loyalty to you.

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Minor and frequent domestic quarrels

You can learn from the Italians how to sort things out. Their temperament will not allow problems to be hushed up. Quarrels are like air to them. They can argue over little things a hundred times a day, breaking dishes and screaming. But the problem no longer exists. They talked it over and moved on. And instead of a broken plate, they will buy 10 more pieces.

In families where there are frequent quarrels, there are also divorces. But, as it turns out, such couples are less likely to divorce.

Perhaps we need to adopt the ability of ardent Italians to sort things out. Make quarrels a little more civilized and calmer. But this way, grievances will not accumulate, which, like fire, can burn feelings to ashes.

You can set aside one day a week to sort things out. For example, on Friday all pressing problems are discussed. The main thing is not to go too far in emotions, and then be sure to make peace. And reconciliation can be very sweet.

Also read: What zodiac sign the interlocutor belongs to, this should be the style of conversation