Many psychologists believe that the “ancestor” of the fashion for open relationships is the Hippie subculture. This movement arose in the early 1960s, its adherents preach freedom in all its manifestations. In clothes, behavior, travel, and, of course, in love. In fact, the Hippie subculture revolutionized intimate relationships between partners. Philosophy has not fully survived to this day, but the concept of “open relationships” has firmly taken root in the consciousness of young (and not so young) people. Each of us has at least once thought about this form of coexistence with a partner.
My behavior is the result of your attitude. author unknown
Who needs an open relationship?
The meaning of an open relationship
Partnership without obligations
is the essence of an open relationship. In this case, a couple can either live in the same living space or simply sometimes spend time together.
- The first option involves joint farming.
A man and a woman pay for housing costs, its improvement, food, trips to a restaurant, the theater, based on the general budget. In case of illness or unforeseen expenses, everyone, as they say, is for himself. As a result, both partners save money and at the same time live comfortably, having a cozy home and a full-fledged intimate life. - The second option is to simply meet each other periodically to be alone. Joint visits to entertainment venues are possible. But the basis is intimacy and satisfaction.
The main commandment of any form of free relationship: “ Nobody owes anyone anything
” (NNN). In fact, this is the antithesis of traditional marriage. Moreover, at the initial stage, both partners accept the terms of the game and strictly follow the rules. But, after time (often a very short time), the most “interesting” thing begins in such an “anti-marriage” - a conflict of possibilities and desires.
Woman's point of view
It is a well-known fact that ladies are much more prone to monogamy than men.
Of course, in the last 30-40 years, the militant feminist movement has been shouting slogans from all sides: “A woman is stronger than a man!”, “We don’t need a man to be happy!”, “I am independent!” And so on. However, feminism has not been able to significantly shake the desire of the fair sex for marriage. So what does an open relationship really mean for a woman? Why does she accept the terms of this game? According to psychologists, there are several objective reasons.
He deceived
Walk, walk like that!
One day, a man appears in a woman’s life - handsome, successful, confident. It attracts you like a moth to fire. The girl is passionate about him and to her any speeches of her young man seem to be the ultimate truth.
Here the cunning macho, at a convenient moment, begins to brainstorm on the topic “how wonderful an open relationship is.” He gives a lot of reasons, looks into your eyes, and convinces you that this is a wonderful way to always be together - no grudges, no jealousy, no scandals.
A gullible girl instantly falls into his network, without even really understanding what the catch is, what the pros and cons of such a relationship are.
She's deceiving
The opposite situation is that the woman herself represents freedom.
Like, constant closeness, and walk wherever you want, and I won’t say a word. A gullible man is instantly seduced and falls into the snare of an insidious temptress. Of course, a wise lady will only maintain the illusion of freedom at first, but over time she will paralyze her chosen one and “drag” him to the registry office.
The man is confused and doesn’t understand how to behave. And it seems like I’ve already gotten used to my soul mate... Okay, let’s go to the registry office...
I was deceived in my expectations
It happens.
The woman herself thought about a serious relationship and decided to experiment - suddenly it was true, because this format is much better and easier than a traditional marriage. Moreover, as a rule, such ladies have already had disappointments in life. But in reality, such freedom turns out to be a real cage for a woman who dreams of love.
Cheating as a mechanism for the functioning of SW standards and a source of pleasure
Cheating on your wife is the basis of conflict in dramas and life. But the paradox is that for some men it is death, humiliation and a reason for breaking off relationships, and for 5 percent, according to them, it is a source of excitement. Is this even a man, someone who allows himself to be treated like this?
It is wrong to view a cuckold as a loser. In real life, this can be a real dominant and full-fledged man. But in sex, to get pleasure, he needs a game, he needs to feel so important, so respected, humiliated in the eyes of society by the fact that his wife makes love with others (schemes can actually be different). And here everything is clear: sex is born in the head, and not in the process of friction between bodies.
And in a world where nothing surprises anymore, a cuckold shakes the most sophisticated imagination. It is akin to BDSM, here is a game of “dominance-submission”, but not to the point of physical pain, but only mentally. Cuckolding, according to the classics, is both the sexual intercourse of a wife with a stranger and humiliation of him, in order to emphasize his status as a slave.
It is believed that most of these men had no fathers and were influenced by a charismatic mother who was adored and jealous of him - this is the reason for the matriarchy in his family. Others suggest a man lacks testosterone. Hence also the cult of someone else's dominant penis in the wife's body. There is a position that claims that by accepting betrayal, the cuckold steps over the stereotype: female fidelity will not be a source of competition for him with other men, he demonstrates to everyone that his self-esteem is free from the whims of a woman. She can behave as she pleases, it doesn’t change anything about him.
The mechanism of his pleasure is in the “break of the pattern”, which leads to a sexual trance, shocking sexual pleasure - to be an object of humiliation in front of his wife’s lover, who is presented as the best partner. And everyone has their own happiness here.
Man's point of view
By nature, a man has a tendency towards polygamy.
Therefore, the NNN format (“Nobody Owes Anyone Anything”) is very attractive to them. First of all, what does an open relationship mean for a man? The ability to “legally,” so to speak, cheat on your partner without consequences. But there is a catch: the partner also does not have to be faithful following the model of such a relationship. And then another natural tendency awakens in a man - possessiveness. Jealousy literally blinds one's eyes, despite the initial agreement about NNN. Such features are not taken into account when entering into an open relationship. Jealousy, the constant feeling of the presence of other men, limiting time spent together, etc., have many pitfalls.
In fact, it is a mistake to assume that a man is able to withstand this type of “free” cohabitation for a long time. Sooner or later he will leave for another woman with more conservative views.
Disadvantages you have to put up with
But as you know, where there are advantages, there will certainly be disadvantages. Open relationships have a lot of them. For example, that same feeling of emptiness and hopelessness that comes with time. What about boredom that comes from a lack of emotions? In addition, partners in a relationship without obligations cannot fully trust each other, which is also very unpleasant.
And the most annoying thing is the possible failure of the “agreement” concluded between the partner at the very beginning of the relationship. Often, over time, one of the partners begins to experience an irresistible attraction to the other, as a result becoming an ordinary hostage of the situation. In the end, their relationship becomes known to others. Why not take this opportunity and plunge headlong into romance, which has long been hidden under the mask of indifference? But it's not that simple.
Sometimes one of the partners does not support the feelings of the other at all, and therefore simply leaves, crossing out everything that happened before. The second one is left with only the pain from which he so wanted to hide in this relationship.
It turns out that an open relationship without obligations is a great way to cripple two destinies. Of course, each of us has the right to independently choose which path in life to take, but sometimes you just need to stop and think in time.
What does “open relationship” mean for spouses?
Who is deceiving whom?
Typically, this method of living together is not so rarely resorted to by couples who have been married for more than 10 years. The spouses believe that this will help revive their relationship and add variety to the established boring life. Unfortunately, this almost always leads to divorce. And for some reason, subsequently there is no desire to have any relationship with the former spouse.
The psychology of a person who is married is implicitly aimed at the desire for monogamy. Even in case of betrayal, the spouse tries by any means to hide this fact. Therefore, changing the format of relationships in the INN, to some extent, breaks the psyche of both husband and wife.
After returning to the usual pattern, it is not possible to erase the period of freedom from memory. Accordingly, there will be constant mutual reproaches, and trust in each other will disappear. No trust - no prosperous family
.
Choosing an open marriage - the opinions of others
The essence of an open marriage comes down to the fact that two people enter into a relationship consciously. A prerequisite is the constant presence of a third person and more than one. Each of the participants has a soul mate - husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend. It happens that women or men recklessly agree to “free love” even before marriage, hoping that the other participant will not take such a step. The sad result of such insincere consent is most often divorce.
Open marriage - friendly, loving or intimate meetings outside the family. The degree of freedom is determined initially. For some, it’s just innocent flirting and friendship, while for others, it’s a sexual relationship with the ensuing consequences. The opinions of others on this matter were divided.
- Some believe that such a marriage is the norm. It gives more freedom, emotions, impressions.
- Others call unencumbered relationships a deviation, citing the fact that a loving person will not want to share his other half with others.
However, the truth, as always, is in the middle. And for each couple it is different. The acceptance or non-acceptance of a free type of relationship is influenced by many factors: upbringing style and worldview, place of residence of the family, age, life experience. Don't forget about procreation. This is a natural desire that partners in a free union are not ready to satisfy.
Guest marriage - what does such a connection mean?
A special form of relationship between a man and a woman is a guest marriage. Such a connection can mean many things. People may have common goals and even a joint budget, but they do not have a common household, and they live separately.
A standard guest marriage consists of weekend meetings, joint vacations, and trips. Motivation:
- reluctance to immerse yourself in everyday life;
- living in different cities, countries;
- study or difficult work;
- lack of own housing and many other factors.
In the future, the guest union may develop into a real family, but this will not happen soon. The participants do not have a common life, which means they cannot get to know each other better.
Polyamory or legalized infidelity
There is a type of polygamous contact. An alternative to guest marriage can be polyamory or legalized infidelity. This is a relationship on the side where one has an affair outside of marriage.
Spouses should treat each other with a high degree of trust. Choosing polyamory requires psychological maturity and independence from your “other half.” Married people are tired of each other, but do not want to get divorced due to possible financial complications or because of children. For these reasons, the husband or wife starts another relationship where they are comfortable.
It's not always about physical betrayal. Sometimes spouses simply go on dates, meet to communicate with the opposite sex. This allows you to breathe new life into old relationships.
Swing
Understanding what swing means is not difficult if you start with a definition. According to the general idea, swing is a short-term exchange of partners for intimacy. Connections occur irregularly.
Relationships between people take the shape of a polygon. Each spouse has an additional partner and more than one. Free contacts within or outside of marriage are the choice of people who are not ready for a serious partnership, but who need an external “screen.”
Swingers believe that it is better to immediately agree to free love “in Russian” than to constantly put up with betrayal or be afraid of divorce. There are no restrictions in the couple, and both participants completely trust each other.
