Photo from diariopopular.com.ar
The famous priest Andrei Tkachev discusses the topic of losing a child in an open conversation with a woman who experienced the loss of two children. This conversation formed the basis of a new book published by the Nikeya publishing house, the presentation of which will take place on November 23 at the Moscow House of Books. Address: st. Novy Arbat, 8. Starts at 19:00.
We offer a chapter from the book:
After the death of a child, life seemed to shatter into pieces.
Questions are hammering inside like a sledgehammer: “Why? For what? How could this happen? What did I do wrong? Could I have somehow prevented the tragedy?
“What force took such cruel advantage of my child’s life? Where have you been God? Why do I need this?
In a state of despair, parents are ready to tear out their hair, scream and even pray that a higher power will take them instead of their children. After all, it will be fairer: life for children, and death for parents.
Over and over again, all the details and details of events are replayed in my head - both the most ancient ones, when nothing foreshadowed the tragedy, and the most recent ones.
How to get out of such a desperate state? How to cope with the death of a child? What can help you cope with the death of a child?
How to cope with the death of a child - tips that don’t always work
Psychologists identify 5 stages of accepting the death of a loved one. The first stages of denial and anger pass very quickly, but in order to move on to accepting the situation and being reborn into life, you need to go through some more stages.
This is where the jam occurs. Simply because we cannot reconcile ourselves, we cannot forgive ourselves for not saving ourselves, we cannot understand why we should live further. We don’t accept reality without him, we want to return everything back... to correct, change - to cheat death.
Grief turns off the mind. A person himself flounders in the most difficult conditions and most often simply cannot figure out what’s what. Why is he tossed from side to side, why does he plunge into self-pity, then into memories, then into endless melancholy or hatred of himself or higher powers.
They say that we are given time to heal our souls from loss, usually a year for those closest to us. But it’s hard to believe that such a wound can ever heal. Perhaps a psychologist can help you cope with the death of a child? Or those who find themselves in the same situation? How did others experience it?
We experience the bitterness of a child’s death in different ways.
We all experience loss differently. This depends on the structure of our psyche, which is a complex pattern of various unconscious desires, which are called vectors. The most difficult thing to cope with the death of a child is for parents who have the anal-visual ligament of vectors.
These are people whose psyche is naturally focused on the past; they have excellent memory and an analytical mind. They are the keepers of the hearth and comfort. In their value system, the most important places are children, family, and traditions.
When children die, it greatly throws them off track in life and deprives them of meaning. And the visual vector, responsible for the incredible emotional amplitude, plunges a person to the very bottom of human emotions - into grief, melancholy. The usual feelings of love and spiritual closeness may be replaced by poisonous bitterness and black melancholy.
It is common for anal-visual people to plunge into feelings of resentment or guilt and replay emotionally rich moments of the past in their memory. The soul suffers unbearably. The web of memories and vivid emotional moments are constantly circling in their whirlpool, and it’s impossible to switch to something else.
We'll live on the memories
When parents experience the death of a child, they are immersed in memories. Trying to preserve the memory of them, they create a kind of cult. And they begin to save the room and the child’s things after death. This is a natural desire, because while going through the surrounding objects, they are immersed in memories of bright moments when the child was still alive.
These are unconscious, built-in mental programs, and at a moment of super-stress and enormous shock from the loss of a child, they are unconsciously turned on. Sometimes a feeling of guilt and memories of how something was not given or the child was unfairly punished can come flooding back.
By doing this, a person withdraws even more into himself, into suffering and memories. This is how a vicious circle is formed, from which it is very difficult to get out on your own.
How to survive the death of a child - how to avoid the pitfalls of difficult conditions
After the death of a child, a person becomes simply afraid to meet friends or loved ones. He feels that they are afraid to look him in the eyes, they do not know what to say, because the topic of death is too difficult for everyone, and they naturally do not want to touch it.
Gradually, he withdraws even more into himself and his melancholy, and alienation from other people occurs. It seems to him that people don't want to communicate with him. Actually this is not true.
A person in grief, trying to avoid unnecessary suffering and pain, begins to shy away from people.
So many people are always standing behind us, but we don’t even see - we often push away the help of others and are not ready to give something ourselves. After all, there are definitely people nearby who have it even worse than you, you just need to look carefully around you. There are children who do not have a mother. There are adults who are trying to snatch their baby from the hands of a fatal disease.
The chilling feeling of loneliness, when you simply don’t understand where to look for help and support, is familiar to these people too.
Awareness of loss
Priest Andrey Tkachev. Photo from pravoslavie.ru
— When a woman finds out that she is pregnant, she gradually begins to expect happiness, and this happens with every pregnancy, especially when the baby begins to move for the first time. Many people manage to establish some kind of dialogue with the baby while he is in the womb. Dreams arise of what he will be like, what he will grow up to be. That is, the mother is setting herself up for a future happy life. And suddenly everything that was imagined does not happen, but quite the opposite happens. Then experiencing a crisis leads a woman to complete immobilization, including physical immobilization. It is very difficult for her, and she cannot help herself. Gynecologists say that such women do not go to psychologists.
-Where are these women going?
The fact of the matter is that they are not going anywhere. Their usual position is: “I need my child, not a psychologist’s consultation. I understand everything myself.”
- Of course, such a woman does not understand everything. But her condition is quite understandable. Physical changes occur: the body adjusts to feeding and future care of the newborn. The entire structure of life receives a certain specific direction. And suddenly this system breaks down. The same thing happens with an abortion. But there is an evil human will at work there - the desire to terminate the pregnancy. The body is tuned in to one thing, and the evil will of man brings it all down, and the body rebels, because the processes in it have turned sharply in the other direction. This is akin to some kind of torture.
I think that a man cannot adequately understand what is happening to a woman who has lost a child, and a woman who has not experienced anything like this will also probably not be able to fully understand it.
— Most often, a man says that this is a woman’s problem and does not concern him.
- Of course, this is wrong. This is not just a woman's problem. But it’s still good if she finds a companion in another woman who has experienced the same loss. People who have similar problems are able to listen to each other and understand without detailed explanations. However, a man who is the father of an unborn child may feel something similar. He is not able to physically survive the loss of a child, but psychologically and heartily the experience of loss is available to him. Of course, suffering cannot be forced-willed; a man does not need to convince himself: “I must suffer with her.” No, the person suffers uncontrollably. The loss of a child is grief for two.
— As for men experiencing grief, in a rare, ideal case, he has compassion for a woman and through compassion he himself is rehabilitated. Basically, according to my observations, men drink, or pretend that everything is fine, nothing happened, or they look for someone to blame. There are statistics that when a disabled child is born, 50% of men leave the family. It seems to me that the main reaction of modern men is withdrawal.
— It turns out that men in a situation of loss turn out to be head and shoulders shorter and weaker? In grief, a man becomes closed, cunning, runs away from the problem, or completely leaves the woman alone with the problem?
- This is a generalized picture, of course. A woman, being in grief, often does not see that her family is being destroyed. She is so absorbed in herself that she does not have the opportunity to look around.
“It seems to me that it is somewhat easier to survive the tragedy of the loss of a child for a person who already has children or some other serious obligations in life, for example, a sick mother in his arms. Then life’s difficulties do not allow one to completely surrender to grief and even help to overcome it. Great grief requires loneliness, you want to hide somewhere, hide, it hurts to go out in public, smile or say hello. To a person experiencing loss, the world seems like some kind of insult. Everyone around continues to live as if nothing happened: going to work, raising children. And here the thoughts may come to a suffering person: “Why do they have it, but I don’t?” This is already reprehensible envy.
There is a very ancient wise rule: in the greatest trouble or mourning, a person should not withdraw from society for a long time; remaining in a continuous state of melancholy and sadness entails the destruction of the personality of the mourner. You need to communicate with other people, overcoming pain and, of course, weeding out unnecessary topics that touch the heartstrings.
How to help a loved one whose baby has died?
A person who has lost a child desperately needs the support of loved ones . Even if they demonstrate with all their behavior that this is not so.
- Need to be close .
It is important that the person knows that you are nearby at all times. There is no need to leave him, even if he wants to. You can leave him alone, but you still need to be close. - Be prepared to hear angry messages addressed to you . A person experiencing such a terrible loss may not be able to control himself. Don't get offended and leave.
- Be there during the funeral , even if you have very important things to do, they all need to be cancelled. At this moment, a person experiences loss especially acutely, and it is important for him to know that you are nearby.
- Help the person with some deeds . Whatever he needs, do it. Help around the house, prepare meals, etc.
- Hug your loved one more often. Support him, listen to him, let him cry.
- Under no circumstances should you say: “Calm down and move on,” “You should move on, this is what your child would want,” “You will have more children,” “Suck it up,” and stuff like that.
It’s better to ask more often to talk about your feelings, because the grieving person needs to share with someone. - There is no need to advise anything in this situation . If you can’t find the right words, then it’s better to just remain silent.
- There is no need to compare the death of a child with the death of someone else . The death of a child is the greatest grief, which is incomparable to the death of a friend or grandmother.
How to cope with postpartum depression on your own? Find out the answer right now.
Face to face with pain
Director Svetlana Druzhinina admitted: “I’m no longer afraid of anything - I buried my son.” Only her orphaned grandson, work and the support of her beloved husband helped her survive. For many years, the topic was taboo - Druzhinina categorically refused to talk about the death of her eldest son, who, addicted to illegal drugs, took his own life.
Drugs, they say, were the reason for the early departure to another world of the son of actor Valentin Smirnitsky , as well as the heirs of cinematic couples: Nonna Mordyukova and Vyacheslav Tikhonov , Lyubov Sokolova and Georgy Danelia . Tikhonov and Danelia had children in their next marriage. And the unfortunate actresses were left alone with their pain. Svetlana Svetlichnaya and Natalya Kustinskaya died under mysterious circumstances . And recently - the daughter of Vladimir Konkin , about whom they wrote that she drowned in the pool...
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