Life in the modern world is characterized by comfort and tranquility. Submitting to the rules and laws of a civilized society, a person sometimes forgets about his nature. However, the reactions and instincts that are given to us from birth do not disappear, sometimes finding a way out in unusual forms of activity. Every day, hundreds of people risk their lives for no particular reason. They are constantly chasing their dose of the hormone adrenaline . This thirst for adventure can take the form of addiction to extreme sports. And this dependence is quite real, although it is mostly psychological.
What is emotional dependence
Emotional dependence is a pathological, excessive attachment to another person. There is no such thing as emotional dependence on everyone. A dependent person chooses one for himself, whom he literally deifies, and to whom he subordinates all his thoughts and actions. The entire life of an addicted person is assessed through the prism of relationships with another person. At first glance, it may seem that this is a state of intense love, but in fact this is not the case, although falling in love may well turn into love addiction in a person predisposed to it. The main difference is destructiveness. Love cannot be destructive. Love brings a person a feeling of joy, there is no demand in it, there is no desire to control the life of another person. The lover accepts the object of his love as he is. When love brings only suffering, when one person seeks to remake another person, to subjugate him or, on the contrary, to completely subordinate his life to him, when a person is tormented by jealousy and suspicion - this is emotional dependence.
A person who has become emotionally dependent is unable to maintain normal relationships; he becomes anxious and neurotic. But the emotional dependence of one also negatively affects the second person in the couple, destroying his life. Often people with this disorder need a treatment program similar to drug rehab.
Violation of personal boundaries and disrespect in the family.
Not only the addict in a state of intoxication, but also his relatives do not respect each other’s personal boundaries, and allow violation of both physical boundaries (violation of each other’s money, personal property) and psychological, personal boundaries (insults and humiliation in communication).
In addition to the fact that by humiliating another person it is impossible to support him and provide help, but by insulting and reproaching his loved one for what he does under the influence of chemicals and for weakness of will, relatives again do not recognize
the fact of addiction as a disease.
So is it possible to somehow help a loved one who is addicted? Or is the only way out, as others often advise and relatives think in despair, to leave him, forget, leave and not suffer?
What can cause emotional dependence?
Experts believe that the cause of emotional dependence is childhood psychological trauma and a violation of attachment. Most often, the roots lie in the lack of warmth and love received by the child from the mother. Young children really need emotional attachment; for a child, his parents are his world, and the child himself is the center of this world. Later, as the psyche matures, the child’s perception changes, gradually the child learns greater independence, first with the support of his parents, and then increasingly without it, and finally gaining complete independence as an individual. But if at the age when a little person felt the maximum need for emotional intimacy, for some reason he did not receive it, later, as an adult, he can look for it from other people. It would seem that there is nothing wrong with this. However, in a couple of two adults, the mother-little child relationship is not normal. Every mature person needs some space of his own to carry out his life program, and even with great sympathy it is impossible to subordinate your entire life to the whims, fears and hopes of another person. Such relationships will never be positive and productive. The above is equally true both in relation to emotional dependence on a woman and emotional dependence on a man.
In more rare cases, emotional dependence is a manifestation of mental illness.
To step back with love is the main principle of helping an addict.
You need detachment in order to see and restore yourself and your personal boundaries, restore respect and understanding. At the same time, it is very important to distance yourself not with hatred (punish, abandon) - but with love and respect, no matter how strange it may sound... It is not necessary to physically separate, divorce and move away, although it is possible, this is the only way you can establish a safe distance between you and restore normal relations. Unfortunately, or fortunately, every person has the right to choose for himself what to do with his life, even if he persistently wants to turn it into hell, but this concerns only his life, you should not suffer. Figure out who is responsible for what, be reasonable and consistent in your demands, stop patronizing the sick, dependent part of it, and support the healthy, responsible part!
This way you will really help both yourself and him - not by protecting him from the consequences, but by helping him recognize and begin to treat his addiction.
Natalya Luchina for
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Treatment of emotional dependence abroad
Abroad, where psychological and psychotherapeutic assistance is no longer something out of the ordinary, emotional addiction is approached in much the same way as any other - alcohol, drug, gaming, etc.
The opinion that a person must figure out a romantic relationship on his own, which can often be heard when people talk about love addiction, is wrong in this case, since this condition has nothing to do with romance. This is a psychological and sometimes mental disorder, and its treatment is carried out according to the same principles as the treatment of mental disorders.
The first step is for a person to recognize the abnormality of emotional dependence on another person. While a person tells himself that he suffers undeservedly, that he is not understood, that he is pushed away, or, on the contrary, that his best intentions are manipulated, he does not see that the cause of the problem is not in the other person, but in himself. “I have emotional dependence” is a completely different approach, it is an awareness of the problem and its source. Sometimes the addict comes to this realization on his own; in other cases, a specialist can help him with this.
The first step in addiction treatment is diagnosis. It is necessary, first of all, to identify concomitant pathology, since it may be the cause of trouble. Diagnosis is carried out in two directions - examination of mental status and somatic status. Depending on the results, a treatment plan for emotional dependence is developed. Therapy is aimed at removing the patient from an addictive state, his rehabilitation and the prevention of similar conditions in the future.
If a somatic or mental pathology is detected, treatment begins with it. In cases where no concomitant pathology has been identified, the approach is generally similar to that in the treatment of drug addiction - awareness of the incorrectness and destructiveness of one’s behavior, learning to control it, giving up destructive actions, changing one’s attitude towards another person, expectations from him, etc. .
For this purpose, the 12 Steps program is used, which has proven itself to be the best in the treatment of alcoholism, drug addiction and other types of addiction. Cognitive behavioral therapy, individual and group, and in some cases family psychotherapy are used. This approach is also applicable in the treatment of drug addiction in Israel.
The illusion of control.
Guided by love, sincerely wanting to save and help their loved one, relatives fall into the “illusion of control” - as if if they keep the addict’s behavior under control, they will save him from drug use. It is impossible to save and “make happy” a person against his wishes! Control from the outside often not only does not help the addict to admit his illness, but also causes him to “protest behavior”, the desire to act in defiance, to outwit the “controller” and do everything his own way.
Why do patients often choose emotional dependence treatment in Israel?
Israel's traditionally strong medicine is one of the country's calling cards. Much attention is paid to the treatment of addictions here, since due to certain features (a large number of immigrants, a high terrorist threat, a world religious center), this problem is quite acute here. Israeli doctors have achieved significant success in the treatment of such conditions; many techniques were developed here and are now used throughout the world.
Why is treatment in Israel a good option for foreign patients? Yes, because in this case another powerful factor is added to conventional therapy - a change of environment. The very fact of traveling to another country, breaking away from the usual surroundings, encourages a person to look at many things differently, gives the opportunity to evaluate the events of his life and his behavior as if from the outside, allows him to break out of the usual routine. It should also be noted that due to the climate, increased insolation, abundance of vegetables and fruits, and the friendliness of the population, staying in Israel has a beneficial effect on the condition of patients suffering from mental, emotional, and mental ill-being. Proximity to places of worship may also be important for some patients.
The Israeli rehabilitation center Renaissance provides the opportunity to take advantage of all the benefits of high-quality specialized addiction treatment; this is an excellent option for Russian-speaking patients also because there is no language barrier.
Cost of emotional addiction treatment
The cost of a course of therapy can vary quite widely, as it depends on many factors - the presence of concomitant pathology, the need for medical correction, the severity of the patient’s condition, the willingness of his close circle to help him (highly desirable). The location of the patient also plays a role. The price for treatment in Moscow and St. Petersburg may differ from the price for treatment in Israel, primarily due to the need for travel, payment for accommodation, etc.
However, you can find out how much emotional addiction treatment will cost for a particular patient in advance. The cost will be determined approximately, but usually the final estimate does not differ too much, since the preliminary assessment is carried out taking into account individual indications. If you need this information, please contact us in any way convenient for you. The medical center’s consultant will answer you in a short time, and if necessary, organize a (free) remote consultation with a specialist, the results of which will give you an idea of the approximate scope of therapy. After this, we will send you a program indicating the cost of the procedures. The consultant will also help in solving all organizational issues.
Reviews about the treatment of emotional dependence
“I was in a pathological marriage for many years. Now I know that’s what it’s called, but before I just thought I was unlucky. Because of my stupid upbringing, I believed that a woman’s job was to smooth out rough edges, endure, and try her best to save the family. My gentleness led to the opposite; my husband turned from just a psychopath into a real psychopath. It got to the point of beatings, and I’m not even talking about moral torture. It seemed to me that I was enduring for the sake of the children, but the children themselves began to ask me for a divorce. Fifteen years of hell is a lot. Oddly enough, the divorce had little effect. The person did not leave my life, and unfortunately, I myself did a lot for this, I did not let go. I don’t know how long this hell would have lasted if my sister had not told me that this is a disease and it can be treated. I didn’t believe it, but I was so tired and exhausted that I was ready to clutch at straws. What a blessing that I still agreed to help. Step by step this knot was unraveling. Not fast. But still unraveled. Now I realize that even if I ran to the ends of the world, I would find myself again a tyrant and a psychopath, since the reason was in me, and you can’t run away from yourself. Girls, don’t tolerate maniacs, don’t suffer yourself. Contact us, we will help you. Save yourself while there is something to save.”
Ilona Ali-Zade, Moscow, Russian Federation
“I've been married five times. All five marriages were unsuccessful, well, with the exception of the three children I ended up with. All according to the same scenario - I adore a woman, I’m ready to carry her in my arms, it would seem, what more could she wish for, but not one appreciated this, and we parted with all of us on bad terms. By the fifth time, I realized that it was I who was choosing these people all the time, and decided to turn to professionals for help. If I had done this earlier, there would not have been five big mistakes and there would not have been twenty years of torment. The reason really turned out to be me, and it was not a matter of choice, but of emotional dependence, which, as it turned out, I suffered from. Well, better late than never. And although I’m not planning to get married yet, I’m now in a harmonious relationship, and probably for the first time in my life I’m calm. Very grateful".
Alexandrov I., Moscow.
