The Observer State or get to know yourself

Positions of perception and understanding of the situation

Film “The World of Emotions: The Art of Being Happier. The lesson is conducted by Prof. N.I. Kozlov"

Looking at the situation from different perspectives

Often our clients have problems - or see problems - in part because they have not understood the situation.

For example, is there a problem at all? Is what we see scary or not? Is what we are facing terrible? What disaster will happen if we fail this exam?...

Or they get confused in concepts, misrepresent motives (their own or others), draw incorrect conclusions, and have not decided on what they want. Cm.

An adequate and complete understanding of what is happening occurs when the client, with the help of a psychologist, uses all the main positions of perception to analyze what is happening: as I see it - minus templates and inadequate beliefs; what I really want, plus how they see what is happening and what other participants in the situation want; how this situation looks objectively from the outside; where did this situation come from and what consequences can it lead to. How can this situation be viewed from the perspective of a strong and loving person?

Looking at the same situation from different positions of perception radically changes both its vision and the emotions and experiences associated with this vision. For example,

Didn't kiss

Situation: the husband is in a hurry, flew out, did not say goodbye, did not kiss. And what does it mean?

According to positions of perception:

• Sample. As a rule, the view of an egoist: “Forgotten means he doesn’t respect you. If he didn’t kiss you, it means he doesn’t love you.”
• First position (I-perception): Does this relate to my goals? If I was busy with porridge and he didn’t distract me, that’s great. If I wanted to kiss him, then that’s what I wanted - and I’ll kiss him when he comes.
• Second position (You-perception): He was in such a hurry that he didn’t even kiss me. My joy!
• Third position (Outsider): Doesn't mean anything. The world is a stream of neutral events. Nothing serious happened: the husband was just in a hurry.
• Fourth position: (We-perception): He ran to work, takes care of us! My love!
• Fifth position (View from the system's perspective): My husband works for people, and this is very important. I'm proud of my husband.

Who will make the tea?

Situation: I came to my mother to talk secretly about feminine things.
Mom asks dad to make tea for all of us. Dad (lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling) rather rudely forwards this order to me. Position No. 0. Template. "A natural man." “Well, you’re lying there and doing nothing, but we need to talk! And besides, I prepared a delicious dinner, but is it really impossible to do such a little thing - make tea!” What I feel: emotions: indignation, anger, irritation, resentment

Position No. 1. My interests. To himself: “Well, he doesn’t want to do anything at all, he just lies there.” What I feel: irritation, angry and snorting. In fact: I put on the mask of “I’ll do everything myself, but don’t come for tea!” I go and filter the water, boil the kettle, and brew tea.

Position No. 2. I am in the position of the OTHER. He probably hasn’t really come to his senses yet from the road, okay, I’ll do everything myself. And I’ll call him (concern, slightly condescending attitude).

Position No. 3. Nothing personal! Dad arrived yesterday, left into the night, probably didn’t get enough sleep on the train - he looks tired, and his blood pressure is probably high. What I feel: understanding, slight concern for his health.

Position #4: We are all in this together. Dad arrived yesterday, tinkered there, helped his sister and her husband with their child, taught Nadya to drive, and made some shelves in the garage. He’s probably tired, and even at 70 years old his health isn’t so great. How responsible and active he still is at his age, but it’s difficult for him! Let him rest. What I feel: slight anxiety about health, care, sympathy.

Position No. 5. I'm an angel. Without waiting for daddy’s answer, I suggest making tea myself, it’s easy for me to do, I’m bored, let’s all chat together at the table, I bought daddy’s favorite marmalades too. What I feel: the joy of being able to take care of loved ones and bring them together at the table.

I sat down to write the text, really upset. As soon as I reached the 3rd position, I already felt ashamed. By the fourth position I realized that what I did anyway (went and made tea) could have been done without all this offended facial expressions and snorting, which reduced the value. Conclusion: For me, this exercise needs to be integrated into life; it helps very well to switch the attitude towards a person and a situation, looking at it from all sides. We must take it into the contract!

Road to the airport

The girl went on a business trip to another city. A large suitcase with things, two bags with props, a bag with a laptop and peripherals, a printer, a very-important-chest and two hands for everything. And there is a snowstorm in the city for the fourth day, and the roads, by definition, are not cleared. Simply because it is not customary to clean the roads there. In addition to the main one, named after V.I. Lenin.

And now, the business trip has come to an end, it’s time to head back. Call a taxi. There is not much time left before the plane, and the taxi is delayed. Finally, an old broken down Logan pulls up. And the girl looks at a large suitcase with things, two bags with props, a bag with a laptop and peripherals, a printer, a very-important-chest and two hands on everything, then looks at Logan very skeptically. The first doubts appear. The taxi driver is sitting in the car and is clearly in no hurry to get out of the snow. Finally, after asking for help, he reluctantly gets out of the car and opens the cluttered trunk, standing next to him. Like, throw it in. How about help? Helps with the grimace of universal grief. Finally, they go to the airport. At the same time, throughout the journey the driver grumbles dissatisfiedly, commenting on his actions, the girl, the weather, the authorities and the world in general. AND

...and the time of the zero position of perception comes, the time of template blindness:

Somewhere inside, a wave of irritation, anger, and the desire to kill this late-arriving grumbler begins to grow. Elbow him in the throat, break a couple of ribs, beat up the whole car with this grumpy organism. If you fall into a rage, having listened to the taxi driver enough, you won’t be able to stand it, you’ll give him a scandal. However, the conflict can start earlier, even at the entrance! As soon as the old Logan drives up to the house, he immediately starts attacking: “Why is the car so small?”, “Why are you late?”, “Open the door for me, I’m paying you!”, “Do you also smoke in the car? Open the window, I don’t want to spoil your health!” The passenger is irritated (there are a lot of things, the car was late, the service was small, he’s in such a mood, and generally got off on the wrong foot) and will do what he’s used to. The escalation of the conflict is guaranteed.

Or maybe there is another template, the template of a downtrodden little man. And the passenger will curse himself through clenched teeth, silently load his luggage into the car, with hopelessness in his soul silently listen to the taxi driver (“What kind of fate is this for me? Well, why always me?”) and will gnaw, gnaw, gnaw at himself...

In the first perceptual position, the passenger knows what he wants and will only care about his own interests:

All actions are aimed at ensuring the interests of the passenger. If necessary - contrary to the needs or desires of the interlocutor, in this case the driver:

“Help me load my things into the trunk.” “Watch how you place these fragile things.” ​“Let's go. Turn on the radio, I want to listen to the weather forecast, stop muttering.”

In the second position of perception, the passenger will evaluate this situation from the driver’s position and will enter his position:

The passenger will feel the driver’s state, enter into his position, and share, first of all, his interests: how many hours in a row does the driver stay in this car? What if she’s like a camera for him? And he clearly gets some pennies. One hundred rubles from the trip. It's early morning, still almost night. It's cold, it's dark, it's snowing. Of course, I understand his irritation. He's tired, he might be irritated. And the fact that he doesn’t want to get out of a warm car into the cold to help with things is understandable to me, I accept it.

In the third position of perception, an objective view is formed of the totality of individually neutral events that led to some result.

The passenger was given a small car because... the passenger did not specify that he had a lot of luggage with him.

The driver did not help load the luggage into the car; he was tired, and it was cold outside.

Yes, the roads are not cleared, the journey to the airport took longer than planned.

The passenger was on time to board the flight and departed safely.

In the fourth position of perception, all factors are taken into account, conclusions are drawn, and the situation is looked at objectively:

They gave me a small car. This means that next time you should take into account the amount of luggage and, if necessary, order a larger car in advance.

It turned out that the roads in this city are not cleaned. It will be useful to learn more about the places I'm flying to. Knowing the features, it will be easier to organize a trip.

The driver doesn’t get out of the car and doesn’t try to help? Do I need his help? Yes, this way I’ll get my job done faster and achieve my goal - to fly away. So, I should politely ask him to help load things, accept his grumbling.

Reminder for the future: what if the driver couldn’t help? I need to order a taxi more in advance.

In the fifth position of perception I will be where I am needed. In this case, it may be that my presence will not be appreciated immediately, or will not be appreciated at all.

I live in the future. Where am I needed now? In my hometown. There are things waiting for me at work, and family waiting for me at home. It's time for me to leave this city. Here I have already done what I should.

If I need driver assistance to get my flight on time, then I will arrange it. I will also take into account for the future all the tasks I encountered, so that next time I can do everything better and faster.

If the driver needs, needs to take out his anger on someone, well, let him speak. It's a pity if he doesn't know how to live differently.

Analysis of the conflict

Analysis of the conflict is done in order to find opportunities to manage it: to prevent it, extinguish it or win it. Recommended analysis scheme - perceptual positions. Cm.

Notes[edit]

1. You know, to prevent countless victims, like those who killed Vader BEFORE Luke brought him to his senses at the very last moment