Getting out of an unhealthy relationship is quite a difficult thing, the reason is that two people met, fell in love, began to live together, helping each other. They did not think about who was trying hard to maintain warm relationships in the family, who was enjoying the benefits of living together more.
Gradually, one of the couple begins, as they say, “to pull the blanket over themselves.” Then he has a headache, he turns away and is silent. In general, a gloomy person comes home from work and shows dissatisfaction with any everyday trifles.
The second person, and this is most often a woman, tries to please her loved one, dispel his bad mood, and protect him from household chores. It suddenly begins to seem to her that it is her fault that her husband has a headache and is not doing well at work. She tries her best to please him, and he, seeing such a sacrificial attitude, begins to take advantage of his exceptional position, subjugating the woman to himself.
Responsible, honest and without SMS
How to do it right? Is it possible to part with the man you love if the relationship has begun to bring only irritation and boredom, and not joy and happiness? The first rule of a competent breakup is frank dialogue. Women, as a rule, find it very difficult to decide to have a serious conversation. After all, even little girls are taught the idea of their responsibility for creating comfort and complete mutual understanding in relationships. What happens when a lady initiates a breakup? She is accused of leaving a man, regardless of how he behaved with her. They tell her that they don’t leave good people if the chosen one has constantly cheated.
This is why it is so important to break up with a man without offending him. That's why you shouldn't use instant messengers, phones, social networks and email for this.
You should not communicate your decision via SMS. This is incredibly offensive and ugly! Numerous advice from psychologists boils down to the fact that you need to break up gracefully and competently, trying not to underestimate your own self-esteem and without humiliating your partner. If the relationship has ceased to bring joy, the union is unpromising, you should break up with the man you love.
Recovering from a toxic relationship
☑ Having left a toxic relationship with a partner, the worst thing a woman can do is seek solace in the arms of another man. Don't view your new partner as a therapeutic tool that will help you quickly forget about your past relationship. The person you want to start building a healthy relationship with should not help you forget about your ex-lover. You should start a new relationship only when you realize that you have completely freed yourself from the old relationships.
☑ To recover from a breakup with a loved one, friend, relative, or colleague, you need to give yourself time to reassess your own values. Think about what level your self-esteem is now, try to regain your own “I”, gain hope that success and healthy relationships await you in the future.
☑ Dedicate the freed time to yourself, your needs, family and friends, your favorite pastime, and learning new aspects of life. Take care of your spiritual, mental, physical health and do not forget that your desires should be a priority.
☑ Throw away the hatred, empty fears and disappointments that prevent you from being reborn after a difficult toxic relationship. Try to objectively analyze the current situation and understand why you found yourself drawn into a destructive relationship. If you learn useful lessons from a negative experience, you can avoid a similar situation in the future.
☑ Don't be afraid of loneliness. First you need to love yourself and solve internal problems. Once you realize that you have learned to take care of yourself and love yourself, a worthy person will definitely appear in your life with whom you can build a healthy and stable relationship.
☑ Do not be afraid to seek help from professionals if you understand that you cannot cope with your problems on your own. Do not forget that leaving a toxic relationship and recovering from it is a complex process that requires enormous effort from a person.
Open and calm dialogue
It is worth thinking through the conversation in advance and designing several options for developing the conversation. In the event that you have to break off a relationship with a married man, be prepared for accusations, aggression, negative reactions, insults that are caused by emotions (no more). Remember: many representatives of the stronger half tend to adhere to attack tactics, considering this the most effective defense. Most likely, your partner will try to put you in a bad light.
Be prepared for this and try to gather yourself emotionally. Do not respond to negativity and aggression with the same actions. Remember that you are a fragile lady. When it is simply impossible to stop the flow of negative emotions from your ex-lover, end the conversation. Do you feel guilty for breaking up the union? Never let anyone humiliate you. Return to the conversation when the man calms down.
Discussions become impossible.
There comes a complete failure of the ability to communicate normally in a civilized manner. As soon as you open your mouth, he/she immediately gets into a defensive position, and it just drives you crazy; every discussion turns into either a shouting contest or a remembrance of every mistake and incorrect word.
In addition, withdrawing into yourself has become the norm, and one of you simply leaves the argument. Research shows that men are more likely to isolate themselves from their partners, but that doesn't mean women don't do the same.
In my case, my ex-husband rejected my every proposal with the sauce “she started her organ again” and shut me up, “if everything is that bad, just leave, and don’t act like a bitch.” What I did - it was not a response to his threats - was also destructive, by the way. I should have responded, and not been scared and closed, because my behavior gave him the opportunity to continue to build a wall between us and manipulate.
Maximum argumentation
When informing your ex-partner about your decision, try to be reasonable, calm, and wise. When you decide to leave a man and are preparing for a frank conversation, try to find compelling arguments for breaking up. Men don't understand empty excuses. Often, a lady has a long-standing need to change everything and end the affair. She goes through all this in her head every day, and therefore tells the man only her conclusions.
To make your ex-partner understand you, share your thoughts with him. Explain why your novel seems unpromising. At the same time, try to avoid mentioning past grievances and do not point out the man’s shortcomings. Psychologists recommend focusing his attention on the fact that you need a completely different person nearby. Tell your ex-lover that you cannot imagine a future together with him. At the same time, try to give the maximum number of specific reasons: different views on the place of residence, opposing opinions on the importance of registering an official marriage, the degree of readiness for children, polar thoughts about career and material security. In each specific case, the list of reasons will be individual and different.
Is there a certain point of no return after which divorce is inevitable?
It is clear that both researchers and therapists have long wondered why some couples go through crises, such as infidelity, and others do not. In a 2003 study, Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti showed that the main reason for divorce was infidelity - 21.6% of divorces occurred because of it, followed by incompatibility - 19.2%, alcohol or drug addiction - 10.6%, development of spouses in opposite directions – 9.6%, personal problems – 9.1% and lack of communication – 8.7%. Physical or mental violence and cold feelings were much less common - 5.8 and 4.3, respectively.
An interesting study by Shelby Scott and colleagues looked at 52 divorced couples who participated in a relationship skills and divorce prevention program after getting engaged; The purpose of the study was to understand what needs to be changed in this program so that it better helps avoid divorce. The study was conducted 14 years after the couples completed the program.
The results showed that the most common reason was a lack of desire to invest in the relationship – 75%, cheating – 59.6% and too many quarrels and arguments – 57.7%.
Participants were also asked if they had a “last straw” or a single event that ended their marriage, and 68% answered “yes” to this question. And again, for 24% the last straw was infidelity, for 21.2% domestic violence and for 12.1% alcohol/drug addiction.
So, infidelity does seem to be the turning point. But in another study, Alan J. Hawkins, Brian Willoughby, and William J. Doherty examined both the reason for divorce and individual openness to repairing the relationship, even in the most advanced stages of divorce. The main reason people cited was development in opposite directions (55%), the inability to talk to each other (53%) and how the spouse handles money (40%), and 37% of respondents reported infidelity. Other reasons included personal problems of the spouse 37%, lack of attention 34%, habits of the spouse 29% and sexual problems 24%.
It is not surprising that differences in tastes and preferences, problems with alcohol and drugs, division of household responsibilities, and conflicts in raising children were also significantly present in the respondents’ answers. Interestingly, the broader, softer themes— spreading in different directions, lack of communication, handling money—were inversely related to the possibility of reconnection, and the researchers conclude that people view these factors as underlying points of incompatibility
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Down with pity
If a man is ready for a constructive and calm dialogue, talk to him as carefully and thoughtfully as possible. Some of them may try to push for pity, which leads to a new round in relationships that do not bring joy and cannot get a chance to “tuning”. Centuries ago, treatises were written on this topic, in which wise philosophers confirmed a similar point of view. Remember the saying. “You don’t step into the same river twice.”
Once you have made a decision, follow your tactics to the end. When your ex-lover asks whether you can count on friendship, remember: most likely, the question implies the possibility of returning the relationship and renewing it. Are you not a supporter of obsessive courtship? Then don't promise anything. Be direct and honest. Tell me frankly that right now, moving from the category of lovers to friendship will turn out to be not just difficult, but truly impossible. Several years must pass between these steps. Perhaps, years later, you will actually become friends or good buddies.
It can be difficult for those ex-lovers who have common friends and the same company. In this case, you should talk to them or change your social circle if you don’t want to have fun and constantly meet at parties someone with whom you once had far from friendly, but more intimate relationships.
When ending a relationship correctly, try to avoid accusations and reproaches. On the contrary, remember all the good things that you were able to experience and feel next to this man and thank him for the happy days or years.
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If your partner treats you very badly.
A sign of an unhealthy relationship can be considered if the partner has changed his attitude towards his other half.
If everything was fine before, but now the woman began to notice that the attitude towards her had changed, then something went wrong.
The reasons for this can be very diverse. Some people simply start to bore each other and, because of this, treat their loved one poorly.
If nothing changes within a month, then there is no point in continuing this toxic relationship.
How to delete information from Apple Watch
To delete all data, you can use the method described above, or you can use your phone for these purposes:
- First, open the settings on your iPhone and go to “My Watch”;
- Now go to the section called “Basic”, and then to the “Reset” item;
- Click on the “Erase data” item and confirm all actions with one tap.
Thus, the user can quite simply and easily delete any information not only from the watch, but also from the profile.
You're like an ostrich burying your head in the sand (or your partner is).
You may think of it as “keeping the peace,” but in reality, you're just pouring water and reinforcing broken ways of communicating. It's one thing if this strategy is used to organize your thoughts and feelings, and you need time to figure it all out; however, if it is long-term avoidance, then that is a completely different matter.
Women (and men) who grew up in toxic homes are more likely to deal with problems through avoidance because they learned to suppress their feelings and pretend everything was fine as children.
as I wrote in my book “Detox for my daughter”.
The desire to hide from problems, especially if you are a family with children, only increases tension and further destroys the connection that still remains between you. This is definitely not a long term plan.
You both instantly find the mistake and pounce on it.
Marriage expert John Gottman calls this the "clinging on to anything" effect and helps draw the line between complaining and criticizing. Let's say you're concerned about how much money your spouse spends or how he or she feels about your child's poor grades. A complaint focuses directly on the problem and is specific; For criticism, the problem is just an excuse to get personal. For example, if you say, “I'm worried about money, I think we need to tighten things up a little,” then you are voicing a complaint; however, if you say “you're spending a lot of money on crap like always, trying to keep up with the Johnsons. You are so terribly irresponsible and selfish,” this is criticism.
If your marriage has reached the stage where every wrong step or mistake becomes an occasion for your partner to list all your shortcomings - this is “clinging to everything that comes to hand.”
You have gone deep into the forest of problems, especially if every sentence you or your spouse makes begins with the words “you always” or “you never.”
Much of the time, you act like someone who is not in a relationship.
How distant you are from your spouse can also be demonstrated by how you think about the future and how you plan for it; By future I mean both the near and long term. Do you make financial or other decisions relying only on yourself? Do you sometimes (if at all) think about what once were your common goals or just your plans and desires?
Do you fantasize about what your life would be like if you weren't married?
This is closely related to the reluctance to be frank with the person who, in theory, should be the closest, and says a lot, even if you have not yet decided to continue or end the relationship.
What to do if you forgot your Apple Watch password
To confirm a break on the clock, as in the previous method, you must first know the password for your account. If the user does not know it, then you can use an additional method:
- Connect the watch to the charging unit;
- Now you should hold down the side button until the power off option appears;
- Next, press firmly on the “Turn Off” button until the “Erase Content” button appears;
- Click on the required item and wait until the procedure is completed.
His or her habits now annoy you.
The second of John Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" predicting the end of marriage is contempt. (Criticism, protection from your partner, and a wall between you are the other three). It's a fine line when criticism - no matter how dirty and specific - turns into contempt and disgust, and at that very moment your partner's habits and weaknesses become a red rag for you. It could be his behavior at the table - of course, you noticed this when you were just dating, but now he bites into food so disgustingly, and it just infuriates him - or how crookedly he puts the dishes in the dishwasher, or anything else.
The same things begin to irritate you in your wife, whose persistence you found charming or whose laughter was endearing, but now it just drives you crazy.
Contempt prevents you from remembering why you fell in love with that person in the first place, and it actually destroys the relationship, usually in the form of verbal aggression.
