First person story. Good girl syndrome. The problem is familiar to many, although not everyone realizes what is happening to them. Let's listen to a man who cares about what he's talking about:
I screamed “I don’t want to die!” But I didn’t hear my own voice. My whole body was tense, my heart was ready to jump out of my chest. I was attacked. But there was no enemy nearby. It was just me and the reflection of my naked body in the mirror. Am I crazy? I'll try to tell you what happened.
For many years I lied to myself without even knowing that I was doing it. In addition, I lied to those around me: my family, my boyfriend, my friends, my colleagues... the whole world! I was a real pathological liar with a smile on my face. Nobody had any idea. Even myself.
How is this possible?
I lived inside a mental projection that could be called the Good Girl . I wasn't myself and didn't know anything about my real feelings. This is what I call: “lying” to yourself and the whole world. I was shocked when I realized this.
As I worked on myself to get out of the Good Girl trap, I noticed 7 main symptoms. I brought them together so that you can understand whether you or your loved ones have the habit of being like this. So, there is a problem - the good girl syndrome and how to discover this very Good Girl in yourself?
Difficulty saying "No"
If you are a Good Girl, then how can you refuse a colleague who asks for help with a report or other duties exclusively for him? You don’t have children at home waiting for you, so you can spend a couple of hours working overtime and helping.
And a colleague will receive a bonus for their work. But this doesn’t matter to you, you are so good that the opportunity to help makes you happy.
What to do? Start saying at least small “no” when you want it. Be careful to pause for a couple of seconds before rushing to say “yes” as you usually do. Over time, you will learn to say “no” more often and become convinced that it is absolutely normal to say “no” (and yes, the world will not collapse if you do it).
So, how can you get your hands on the Girl's fortune and avoid the Queen's embrace?
There are still many nuances, but let’s put an end to this for now. The most important thing is to give yourself sincere permission to be a Girl sometimes.
Remember, you are a woman. You don't have to deserve love. You don't have to be cool, smart, earn a lot and show great results. These are the tasks of a man. Your fortune is enough.
The Girl's condition was your very first condition. It's the deepest. The Mistress, Queen and Mistress appeared much later. This is what you come from and what you must keep for yourself.
Inability to say something that might upset another person
Your friend is trying on a dress that makes her look like a sausage roll. Instead of telling her this (you can choose another, softer comparison), you say: “Oh, you look great!” You just don't want to offend her.
Behind this behavior lies the idea that you are responsible for other people's feelings. And you treat them like fragile crystal glasses, capable of falling and breaking at the first gust of wind.
What to do? As with the word “no,” unpleasant words spoken politely and sensitively will not destroy relationships with other people. Your sudden honesty may offend some, but that’s their business. In the future, they will still appreciate it or go their own way.
The woman they are looking for
Yes, a soft voice, well-groomed and attractive appearance, flexibility, tact, caring and tenderness are manifestations of femininity. But the girl to whom men are drawn as if spellbound has more than just that. She has a special internal energy. Some call it sexuality, seductiveness. But in fact, it is a combination of two different qualities: softness and strength. Yes, yes, strength, although it is believed that a woman should be weak. What kind of power is this? This is animus. This is what Jungian psychoanalysis calls the inner core of the psyche. A woman’s animus is made up of masculine qualities: confidence, energy, determination, strong-willed attitude, and the ability to influence others. In men, on the contrary, it consists of tenderness, vulnerability, softness, and emotionality. The outer “shell” of the psyche is woven from traits that are considered typical of a certain gender, but we are attracted precisely by the opposite, deep ones. When they say that men love bitches, we are talking about girls with a clearly manifested animus. Without him, a woman becomes weak and driven. She puts her partner on a pedestal, bends over because she wants to be good, and forgets about her own interests. At first, a man may be seduced by this, but when the feeling of novelty of the relationship disappears, he gets tired and goes in search of someone who combines external manifestations of femininity with internal strength. And even though she has flaws, they will not seem repulsive, but will only emphasize her individuality.
Fear of failure in your personal life, which forces you to be in an “impossible” relationship
If you are a Good Girl, you always attract the “wrong” men. But there are no “wrong” men, just as there are no ideal ones (I think you already understand the latter).
However, if you take a closer look at past relationships, you will find many similarities: they were all based on at least one key factor. This factor prevented the relationship from ever becoming complete, in which the partners are able to fully devote themselves to it.
What is this factor? Any or all of the following (and I'm not mentioning all of them):
• He is married (and obviously not to you)
• There is a big age difference between you (20 years or more) and you are at different stages of life (for example, he no longer wants children, but you do)
• He has some kind of strong addiction, whether “bad” like alcohol, drugs and gambling, or “good” like workaholism
• He's in jail
There is only one rule: You choose a man who, for whatever reason, cannot develop your relationship with him.
You stay with it as long as there is an obstacle, something you can fight against. So you hide from your own fear and blame the man for all the misfortunes. A typical thought: “If only he would stop doing this and start doing that...” Of course, there are also wonderful, long-term relationships that prove otherwise. But exceptions only confirm the rule.
What to do? Hmm, this is very difficult. You need to become aware of the pattern of behavior and then step away when you notice it. This will happen naturally when you begin to love and value yourself. As if by magic, you will stop being fascinated by the “wrong” men. I warn you: there will be a lot of returns to the past. Be patient, keep going, it will get easier over time - but not overnight.
How to develop the condition of a Girl?
The desire to develop this state appears most often among business women who have tightly immured themselves in the state of the Queen.
They suddenly find themselves carrying everything on themselves and pushing away strong men. The door is no longer opened for them and, in general, “I’m trying my best, but somehow everything in life is not the same.”
What then: these women begin to wear dresses, do all sorts of “hee-hee” and “ha-ha”, laugh at men’s jokes and want to quickly and radically change themselves and their lives with the help of advice from women’s magazines.
This does not work!
And it looks unnatural, and sometimes even ridiculous: an iron lady in a dress with ruffles...
Remember, dears: a girl is a condition. It comes from within. And the state is something that needs to be pumped within oneself.
Work through the past: parents, relationships, remove fears and other blocks, learn to accept your femininity.
Simply put, do not start with external attributes, but develop your feminine qualities to the point where you want to put these attributes on yourself.
Caring for others before caring for yourself
Someone may be calling you a Good Samaritan. You are always ready to help if necessary:
• At work, you remember all the birthdays, collect money for gifts and buy them, every time.
• It is you who propose to participate in a charity event or become a volunteer.
• You work overtime and don't ask for payment for it.
• You offer help before you are asked for it.
I'm not saying it's bad to do all these things sometimes . There is a BUT: do them, but as long as it does not infringe on your own needs. The saddest thing is that a Good Girl may not be aware of her own needs.
What to do? Be a good Samaritan, but remember: this guy didn't stop going the extra mile to help someone in need. Once he was sure that the wounded man was in good hands, he continued with his business. Take care of others, but remember that the most important person in your life is yourself. Start with yourself. Always.
Always smile – even if you are sad or angry
From early childhood you heard that you need to smile - and they will smile back at you. This is true. But to smile even then, when you want to cry, smells like a madhouse. I know. I've done this myself many times.
Because when you were little, you heard: “The sweet, beautiful girl looks bad with tears on her face. And this upsets everyone... So calm down, that’s enough, everything is not so bad...” And so you learned that it is unacceptable and unsafe to show your true feelings, other than joy and happiness. That's how you started lying. First to those around you, then to yourself. And that’s when you put on the ever-smiling mask, which soon became familiar.
What to do? Start by paying attention to your smile. And then consciously make the choice not to smile if it does not correspond to your true feelings. Do this throughout the day. And if you are brave enough, then for a whole week. Then try to tell how it went, how you felt. You will be impressed.
When you take off the mask, you may feel like you no longer know who you are. You may feel like you are dying, which is not far from the truth. A part of you is dying. But this is not your true Self.
How to get rid of this syndrome
First of all, you need to prepare yourself in advance for the fact that as soon as you stop being comfortable, a wave of negativity will probably pour in your direction. Mostly from those who simply took advantage of your convenience. Therefore, a change in attitude can be considered as a litmus test
that will show who is really close to you. Although, even true friends may need time to adjust to the fact that you have changed. Either way, the effort will definitely be worth it for you.
So, to get rid of the syndrome in question, gradually teach yourself to take care of yourself too
, and not just about others.
This may not be as easy as it seems because you haven't had this habit since childhood. Start developing it! This is not about being seen as selfish/selfish.
It's just about learning to value yourself and reorienting your life not only towards others, but also towards yourself .
Remember, restructuring can take quite a long time, and not everything can work out the first time. This is absolutely normal. If you feel that something is not working out for you, a psychologist will always come to the rescue.
Several theoretical settings
- First of all, understand and accept that you are not a banknote to please everyone
. It is important not only to understand this in words, but also to repeat to yourself when someone expresses dissatisfaction. Then gradually this attitude will become part of your worldview. - Your significant other, friends and close relatives love you as a person and for the fact that you are in their life
, and not at all because you are always trying to please them. Let us repeat: if they are attracted to your good girl/good boy complex, this is a reason for you to reconsider your environment. - Criticism, imperfect work, the desire to pamper oneself and other things that “bad” boys and girls allow themselves - all these are absolutely normal things. You are not a robot to always do everything to a superlative degree and without mistakes
. Besides, you also need to relax and please yourself.
How to get rid of the syndrome in practice
- In any situation, before agreeing to something and making any decision, ask yourself why this is good for you
. If you are asked to work on Saturday, will you be given an extra day off or financial compensation? Will this overtime provide some unique opportunity that you cannot get during working hours? If you understand that nothing good is expected for you personally and that you are simply being used, politely refuse or put forward your own conditions (“That’s good, I was just going to ask for a day off on Wednesday”). - Similarly with desires, emotions, feelings - often ask yourself “What do I feel?
How do I feel about this? Do I like it? What do I want? .
Try to put aside other people's points of view, their needs and intentions. Don't think about how you will look or what people will think of you. Just get to the bottom of it - what you want and how you feel about this or that request, situation, etc. Develop the habit of listening to yourself, your desires and feelings
. - Pamper yourself with pleasant little things
- this applies to both purchasing things you like and joys that are not associated with unnecessary expenses. For example, instead of preparing a super complicated dish for your spouse, choose a simpler option, and take a bath in the time saved. Instead of perfecting your next project, watch a new episode of your favorite TV series. - Work with the “symptoms” of your syndrome
: if you suffer from perfectionism or excellent student syndrome, use tips on how to get rid of them (you can read here and here). If you don’t know how to refuse, learn. If you have low self-esteem, increase it. If you don’t know how to accept compliments or react painfully to criticism, improve yourself in these areas.
At first, spending on yourself (both temporary and material) will most likely be accompanied by feelings of guilt and/or shame. How is it possible: you take time for yourself, and do not do what you should do ?
false.
Try to ignore this feeling
- you will see that the world did not collapse because of this, they did not treat you worse, and you brought yourself pleasure. Gradually this will also become normal for you.
Getting rid of the good girl/good boy syndrome will bring you free time, free you from unnecessary burdens, allow you to filter your environment, turn to your emotions and feelings and, perhaps, realize yourself more fully in those areas that you like. I think these are sufficient reasons to overcome the obedient, submissive child within you and start taking care of yourself.
