Working with limiting beliefs and fear of failure, an algorithm from a practitioner

How are negative attitudes formed?

To consider the concept of limiting beliefs in detail, you must first define what they are in principle. A person’s firm confidence in something is a rule of life for an individual. She does not doubt it and, according to it, performs certain actions. The theory of limiting beliefs says: an attitude can be transmitted from parents, or from those people whose opinion is important. A person follows this thesis without subjecting it to critical evaluation. In addition, he can create his own conviction, based on everyday experience, and consciously follow such a concept.

In what cases are we talking about a limiting belief? Each moral principle speaks about a person’s specific experience and serves as a guide for him in the whirlpool of life events. At one point it may turn out to be useful, saving him from trouble. But time passes, the situation changes, and the old belief no longer works and loses its relevance. Moreover, it begins to inhibit the further development of the individual, negatively affecting his psychological, physical and material well-being.

Summary

In neurolinguistic programming, there is a special concept for finding the right focus, which is called framing. Frame (English - frame) is the context for considering any thing, with the help of which you can change the shade of perception of this thing.

In an attempt to identify all possible interpretations of the same phenomenon, Dilts found no less than 14 different ways to change the focus of our vision.

Redefinition: replacing one of the words used in the statement of a belief with a new word with a different connotation (for example, a euphemism).
Analogy: replacing a given phrase with another similar to the given one, but the new phrase should change the meaning of the original judgment.
Intention: Shifting attention to the task or intention behind the belief.
Counterexample: Finding an exception to the rule behind a belief.
Model of the world: re-evaluating (or strengthening) a belief from the perspective of a different model of the world.
Metaframe: Evaluating a belief from a frame of continuous, person-centered context—constructing a belief about a belief.
Consequences: Attention is directed to the consequences of a given belief to change or strengthen the belief.
Another result: switching to a goal different from the one stated in the belief in order to shake or strengthen the foundations of the belief.
Chunkdown: changing or strengthening a generalization defined by a belief by breaking down the elements of a belief into smaller parts.
“Generalization” (eng. chunkup): generalization of part of a belief to a higher level, allowing you to change or strengthen the relationships defined by this belief.
Frame resizing: re-evaluating (or amplifying) the subtext of a belief in the context of a longer (or shorter) time frame, from the point of view of more people (or an individual), from a wider or narrower perspective.
Hierarchy of criteria: re-evaluation (or strengthening) of a belief according to a criterion that is superior in importance to any of those on which the belief is based.
Reality strategy: revaluation (or strengthening) of a belief based on the fact that beliefs are created through the cognitive process of perceiving the world.
Self-application: evaluating the belief statement itself according to the relationship or criteria defined by the belief.

Read more about language tricks and framing in the creative process on this page.

On the negative nature of material possessions

A common example of a limited belief is “Money is evil.” It was once useful. For example, in the difficult years of the revolutionary past, when being a rich person was life-threatening and following such a principle could literally become life-saving for a person. This belief was then passed on from parents to children, from generation to generation. Throughout Soviet history, it coincided with the principles of survival accepted in society.

But then another historical era came - the time of a market economy. And here this limiting belief no longer helps the person, but prevents him from surviving. Having material wealth and money has come to mean the opportunity to receive education, quality medical services and other benefits. An outdated moral principle came into conflict with reality and began to limit a person’s capabilities.

The map is not the terrain

A person’s idea of the world is limited by his judgments, moral norms, and concepts of justice. In fact, these are frameworks that arose in the subconscious. However, reality can be very different from the picture of the world that has arisen in the mind.

It is necessary to realize the diversity of opinions, learn to put yourself in the place of another person. After all, in his eyes, the problematic situation will have a different meaning. The ability to assess circumstances from different angles will allow you to find the optimal solution.

Important. It is necessary to take as a guide not the fact of the problem, but the result. You should focus on finding a solution, and when a solution is found, you need to move on.

Is poverty a cause for shame?

Another example of a limited belief is related to finances. It goes like this: “It’s a shame to be poor.” But in reality this idea is far from the truth. A person should be ashamed of those actions or words that harm other people or offend them in any way.

If an individual does nothing wrong, and his whole problem is that he cannot make ends meet in unfavorable economic conditions, then there is absolutely no guilt and no reason for shame.

If such a limiting belief exists, it is absolutely necessary to fight it, as it lowers self-esteem. Thus, this destructive principle further deprives a person of the opportunity to believe in himself and improve his financial condition. Those who are not ashamed of themselves in any circumstances - neither in poverty nor in wealth, overcome life's difficulties faster and more effectively, since they do not consider the lack of means of subsistence to be something shameful.

Current and desired states

Let's start with the general idea - in NLP we often talk about models - about how change happens in general. So, there is a state (behavior, belief, quality, skill) that you want to change. Maybe you don’t like it at all - like confusion at important moments - or maybe you do something quite well, but want to do it even better. For example, you know how to communicate well with people, but you want to do it even better. Or you get up normally in the morning, but want to do it faster and easier. What you want to change in NLP is called the current state . For example:

I'm afraid of dogs;
It’s difficult to start a conversation first;
thick;
not self-confident;
I’m not good enough at public speaking;
I don’t know how to cook Dauphine potatoes with milk and cheese;
it's hard to get up in the morning.

Naturally, instead of the current state, you want something else. Instead of confusion - calmness, instead of putting off important things - the ability to pull yourself together, instead of realizing yourself as a nonentity - acceptance of yourself. This is called the desired state . For example, possible desired states for the above options:

I'm afraid of dogs - I feel calm around dogs;
It’s difficult to start a conversation first - I know how to start a conversation easily;
fat - I want to become slim;
not confident in myself - I feel more confident;
I don’t speak well enough in public – I speak well in public and hold the audience;
I don’t know how to cook Dauphine potatoes with milk and cheese - I know how to cook Dauphine potatoes with milk and cheese;
It’s hard to get up in the morning – I get up easily in the morning and feel energetic all day long.

Exercise “Defining the desired state”

Take a piece of paper and write, in any order, ten things that you want to change in your life (that you are not happy with). They may be completely different in importance to you. For example:

hard to get up in the morning;
heavy weight;
I’m embarrassed to ask for a salary increase;
I get confused when people shout at me;
I bite my nails;
I'm worthless;
I spend a long time choosing what to wear;
I'm afraid of cockroaches;
I can’t establish relationships with my mother-in-law (mother-in-law);
poor perseverance.

Now for each item you need to add the desired state. For example:

I'm afraid of dogs - I feel calm around dogs;
it’s hard to get up in the morning - in the morning I get up alert and well-rested;
heavy weight – I’m slim;
I’m embarrassed to ask for a salary increase - I can easily talk with my boss on any topic;
I get lost when people shout at me - I can control my state in a crisis situation;
…

Please note that the desired state should be formulated positively: not “stop being afraid of dogs,” but “feel calm around dogs.”

Exercise “Determining the current state”

Write down ten goals that you have set for yourself, but have not yet achieved (if the goal is on the list from the previous one, skip it). For example:

learn to roller skate;
buy a new wardrobe;
go to Spain;
repair the umbrella;
look through photos from your last vacation;
read the book “One Hundred Years of Solitude” by Garcia Marquez;
start running in the morning;
learn English;
change jobs;
complete the repairs.

Now for each item, add the current state - what you want to get away from:

I don’t know how to ride roller skates - learn to ride roller skates;
I can’t choose a suitable cabinet - buy a new cabinet;
I don’t allow myself to spend money on travel—to go to Spain;
I get wet in the rain - fix the umbrella.
…

Other destructive attitudes about money

The list of limiting beliefs related to finances goes on:

“Only criminals drive expensive cars.”
“All rich people are just very lucky.”
“Money brings only misfortune.”
“There’s never enough money.”
“There were no wealthy people in our family, so I will always be poor.”
“Financial security can only be achieved by a person who has a good start - an inheritance from his parents, useful connections, sponsorship from the rich.”
“To earn large sums, you need to work from morning to night, seven days a week.”

Common female misconception

Limiting beliefs in our heads are associated with a variety of areas of life. And many of these destructive ideas have to do with personal life. One of the common negative beliefs that women have is this: “Men cannot be trusted under any circumstances. They only want one thing from women.”

At one time, during a certain historical period of time, such a concept might have been viable. The woman who adhered to it in her life could avoid unnecessary extramarital affairs, unwanted pregnancies, and condemnation from her family and society. Guided by him, she could successfully marry and maintain her reputation.

But for a modern lady who lives in a time of a different social order and accessible contraception, such a belief may make it difficult to look at members of the opposite sex without prejudice. Guided by this idea, a woman with her own hands condemns herself to loneliness. This is how this belief takes on the nature of a limiting one.

Other negative attitudes in love

Other common limiting beliefs in love that prevent you from being happy are:

“All men (women) are bad people.” This definition often includes various unflattering words addressed to the opposite sex. Women who think so, in reality, encounter only unworthy men on their life’s path. In all relationships with them, the same sad story is repeated - exactly until they realize the need to get rid of limiting beliefs.

If a man adheres to such an attitude, then this also negatively affects his personal happiness. Usually, among the stronger sex, this attitude takes the form “All women are mercantile, they only need money from men.” If such an attitude applies to a certain part of the population, it is stupid to judge one hundred percent of all women by it. The presence of such an idea leads to the fact that on his way a man meets just such ladies who are not averse to using his wallet.

“I am unworthy of happiness and love.” Girls who have such an idea stuck in their heads sincerely dream of happiness in their personal lives. But what happens to them when they meet their chosen one? This belief begins to prevent them from building meaningful relationships. Such ladies are constantly beginning to be disturbed and disturbed by something; they torment their partner with suspicions due to their uncertainty about the sincerity of the chosen one’s feelings. Often men break off relationships with these girls on their own initiative. But even while the relationship lasts, there is no particular joy in it, but only clarifications and scandals.
“In today’s world there is no place for romance and sincerity.” Perhaps there is no place for the romance of the past in our reality. But people still experience feelings of delight, love and inspiration. And modern romance is no worse than the past.

about the author

Robert Brian Dilts is one of the recognized luminaries of modern NLP. He was among the first students of John Grinder and Richard Bandler, the founders of neurolinguistic programming. His professional skills are used in many areas: modeling human excellence, creating computer programs related to human-computer interaction, business consulting, conducting trainings and lectures on practical psychology, and much more.

He is one of the first developers of NL. He started back in 1975, becoming one of the first students of John Grinder and Richard Bandler. Robert also studied with Milton Erickson and Gregory Bateson. Now Robert Dilts is the founder of one of the best NLP Universities in the world and the organizer of a large number of international conferences in Santa Cruz.

In addition to the important applications of NLP in areas such as education, creative thinking and leadership, Robert's personal contributions to NLP include his development of technologies for changing thinking strategies and belief systems, as well as the development of a field of knowledge that later became known as "systemic NLP". Here are just some of the technologies and models he developed: reimprinting, integration of conflicting beliefs, linguistic techniques “Tricks of Language”, strategy for competent writing, methods of getting rid of allergies, neurological levels, the cycle of changing beliefs, generative NLP techniques and much more.

Robert Dilts is the author of numerous technologies, books and articles. He has published about 50 books on neuro-linguistic programming, including: “Changing Beliefs Using NLP”, “Modeling Using NLP”, “NLP: Skills for Effective Leadership”, “Strategies of Geniuses”, “Beliefs. Paths to health and well-being”, “Language Tricks” and others. And his most significant creation is the “Encyclopedia of NLP” in two volumes, which he wrote together with J. Delozier.

Destructive career ideas

The following list of limiting beliefs is directly related to education and professional life:

“Only higher education is a guarantee of obtaining a highly paid position. But I don’t have it, which means I’ll never find a good job.”
“Only true professionals can do anything. Therefore, I need to get three higher education degrees and defend my doctoral dissertation before starting practical work.
“You can’t upset your relatives. Therefore, I must go to study at exactly the institution they insist on.”
“You can only try something new when you’re young. And at 30 (40, 50, 60) it’s too late. Nobody needs old people anywhere.”

About myself and life

The following examples of limiting beliefs in our heads relate to life in general and to ourselves.

“I’m this way from birth. I won’t be able to help myself.”
“Beauty standards are 90 x 60 x 90. And I don’t meet them, so I will always be unhappy.”
“Every person is selfish and thinks only of himself.”
“This world works this way. Some get everything, others get nothing.”
“A person comes into this world to carry his cross (to atone for sins, to suffer).”
“All life is running in a vicious circle.”

Negative attitudes that parents instill in their children

It often happens that a fully grown person suffers from negative beliefs that influence his life from a very early age. The limiting beliefs in our heads that were instilled in our early years are the most persistent. After all, a person has been guided by them for decades, and during this time they are firmly rooted in the unconscious. Examples of such installations include:

“If you are disobedient, no one will hang out with you.”
“Woe is my onion...”
“What a fool, I’m ready to give away everything I own...”
“You are exactly like your father (your mother).”

Getting rid of destructive ideas

Depending on how severe the negative attitudes are, a person is gradually forced to face their destructive consequences in life. He is content with the little he has and has no opportunity to develop further. The question naturally arises: how to remove limiting beliefs and make sure they stop ruining your life?

The first thing you need to learn to do is notice the occurrence of destructive thoughts. Whenever the idea “I can’t” comes to mind, you need to realize that it is the other side of the positive attitude “I can.”

It is necessary each time to imagine the opposite of what the negative idea wants to impose. It is always necessary to understand that a person has a free choice and should not allow negativity to gain power over him. Working with limiting beliefs often takes a long time. Some people take years to cope with destructive attitudes that have not left them since childhood and adolescence.

When another negative thought comes to mind, you should challenge it. To do this, it is useful to ask yourself a few questions:

Why should things be this way and not otherwise?
Who said I can't achieve my goal? Is this a person I knew in childhood, adolescence or later in life?
What positive belief can I replace this idea with?

Nine-Step Change Framework

There is such a statistic that each formula in a book reduces the number of readers by approximately half.

Of course, if it is not a textbook on algebra or physics.

But I will risk giving you one formula. It's very simple:

Current state + Resource = Desired state.

We add resources to the current state and get the desired state - this, in fact, is what the “Visual Squeezing” technique demonstrates. All that remains is to figure out a few things - where to get resources, how to add them, what to do if it doesn’t work out, and other little things. So let’s describe this formula in more detail: I present to you a nine-step change scheme - this is a template for building a technique.

about the actual and desired states . Context is the situations for which we want to make a change. Simply because you want to be calm during the exam, but when you have to run a hundred meters, you don’t want to. And so that the change occurs only where it is needed, we need to determine this very context for the change.

In many NLP techniques, the search for actual and desired states, as well as the definition of context, are not specified - this is already a completely standard procedure and it is assumed that this is all clarified at the stage of collecting information.

But with the resource you need to do several actions. Firstly, you still need to define , at least logically: “What do I need to achieve the desired state?” But for now it’s just logic, after that you need to gain access to it: the bottom line is to determine that courage is needed, another thing is to feel what it is, to experience it.

The same thing: it’s one thing to decide that you need money, it’s another thing to get it.

After this, this very resource needs to be put into context so that instead of the nasty current state there is such a nice little desired one. And of course, then you need to check whether what happened works. Or maybe resources have been added, but the desired state is still not there or it is not quite what is needed. If it doesn't work too well, then it's worth going back to the resource definition step and finding what else is worth adding. After this, it is worth checking the acceptability of the consequences of the change - in NLP this is called environmental verification . Since the desired state itself can be extremely useful and effective, but the consequences of this change can be extremely unpleasant. For example, Ivan Petrovich began to be completely calm about any behavior of his boss (desired state), he considered that he was being ignored and fired Ivan Petrovich (consequences). To check the ecology, it is worth asking the following questions: - What will you lose if you achieve this? — Do you agree with this loss? If you are satisfied with the consequences, move on; if not, think about what can be changed: the desired state, clarify the context, add more resources, and so on.

Usually, when the desired state is determined in the first steps, a preliminary environmental check is also done. But, as it turned out in practice, this check is often not enough - the final result may differ from what was initially imagined, the consequences after adding a resource look different, and so on.

And the last step is teaching the unconscious new behavior in context, “ binding to the future .” In most cases, to “link to the future,” a person is asked to imagine three or four of himself in situations where he previously had a current state, at various intervals: tomorrow, in a week, in a month. And so that these situations are somewhat different. For example, in the “Visual Squeeze” technique we followed exactly this scheme: we identified the current and desired states and selected suitable resources.

Replay the situation

Sometimes it is useful to mentally return to the past, once again replay in your memory the circumstances that provoked the emergence of a negative belief. For example, if your parents called rich people “hucksters,” you can mentally add your own opinion to this criticism: “My father thought all rich people were scammers, but in reality they are not. Among them there are many who were able to achieve success through their own efforts.”

Or: “My mother considered all men to be deceivers, but in reality things are different - she was just unlucky with it. This does not mean that the same fate awaits me. On the contrary, I will be able to use the wisdom of my mother and not repeat the mistakes that she made.”

The Importance of Visualization

Since getting rid of limiting beliefs means first of all reprogramming the subconscious, this matter cannot be done without working with images. The fact is that the human unconscious operates precisely with visual symbols. Logical arguments often turn out to be powerless in front of him.

Therefore, in order to achieve the eradication of negative beliefs, you should resort to positive visualization as often as possible. When thoughts that make you feel emotionally and physically uncomfortable are identified, you should then let them go and begin to visualize what you want.

Consciousness and body are one

The way of thinking and physical condition are inextricably linked into one whole. Attitudes that have penetrated into consciousness can affect well-being. And vice versa - your physical condition can affect your way of thinking. Therefore, it is necessary to take care not only of the purity of thoughts and intentions, but also the condition of the body.

Any procedures that keep the body in good condition are useful:

hardening;
sport;
starvation;
going to the bathhouse.

At the same time, it is necessary to maintain a positive attitude, it is necessary to realize the futility of blaming the guilty. Any situation should be used to improve your own personality.

Method from NLP: “Meta-Yes” and “Meta-No”

This simple technology allows you to change negative beliefs into positive ones. It is performed as follows:

Identify a limiting belief that you need to get rid of. Rate its intensity on a scale from 1 to 10.
They present his physical image (in the form of a scroll, a poster with a slogan, an object with an inscription).
Then you need to identify any thing in relation to which only a firm “no” will be said. For example, an offer to sell your immortal soul to dark forces.
Then you should practice your ability to pronounce this firm refusal (“Meta-Net”). Words should be pronounced confidently, but without shouting or unnecessary emotions.
Then they mentally turn to the destructive belief and begin to drive it away, saying “Meta-Net.” This must be done until the image of this belief in the imagination is somewhere far beyond the horizon.
After this, you need to imagine a situation or a person to whom a firm “Yes” will always be said (to a child, a relative, a pleasant gift).
They imagine that somewhere over the horizon a positive belief has already begun to form. With your “Meta-Yes” you need to begin to “lure” this positive attitude so that it comes closer.
When it approaches, you should determine the place in your physical body (it does not have to be your head) where you would like to place the positive belief, and happily “put” it there.
After this, an assessment is made, checking how many points on a scale from 1 to 10 the old belief is valid. If you don't like something, or the belief is still too strong, repeat steps 5 to 8.

By regularly talking to yourself in a positive way and imagining the desired (rather than alarming) outcome of events, a person gradually gets rid of destructive attitudes in his head. This process requires a lot of courage and time. But its result is a happy and fulfilling life.

Algorithm for working with limiting beliefs and fear of failure

Internal limiting belief

“Internal” seems to be clear, but what are “limiting” and “belief”? Let's define a general understanding.

“Belief” - in simple words, this is what we believe in, and have believed for a long time and without a drop of doubt.

“Limiting”—putting into a framework that significantly narrows our capabilities.

If there is ➖, then there is ➕. At the other pole from “limiting” beliefs are “helping” beliefs.

Let's look at examples of both.

➕ “helping” beliefs:

Everything will still be fine! I can do anything if I try! It didn’t work out, so it’s not mine!

➖ “limiting” beliefs:

Either perfect or not at all! I'm not very successful! I can't do anything!

We often inherit beliefs from our family! Our parents pass them on to us in the form of norms of behavior, principles, and outlook on life. They become so rooted in our consciousness that they become an inseparable part of our personality, influencing our actions, actions or inactions.

The good news is that with the help of a certain algorithm of actions, a limiting belief can be replaced with a helping one over time. Working with limiting beliefs can be done professionally.

Here is the algorithm for working with limiting beliefs:

Step 1. Examine your behavior in reality. Just write down on paper what happens or doesn't happen because of your belief.

Step 2. We are looking for a refutation of our belief. Think about situations when you doubted the truth of your beliefs. Write them down.

Step 3. Explore the history of the existence of your belief. When did it appear? How long has it been in existence? What were the turning points?

Step 4. Organize a check of the limiting belief. Design a validation test for yourself: achievable, safe, effective.

For example, you work with the belief “I never succeed!” Give yourself a test in which you are confident that your belief will fail.

You are good at communications! Let your challenge be to convince your husband/wife that going to a spa hotel for the weekend is exactly what you both need right now!

The trick is that you will certainly cope with this task and the limiting belief will not withstand such a strong argument.

Step 5. We consolidate the positive result. After during the test it became obvious that the limiting belief is not true, we change it to a helping one. For example, “everything takes time and effort and it will bring results!”

Step 6. We come up with more tests where you can once again make sure that the new helping belief is true.

Go through new tests until you feel that the old belief has disappeared.

Fear of failure

In general, all fears can be divided into real and pointless.

Real fears include fears associated with the instinct of self-preservation: fear of pain, falling, getting sick, plane crashes, a person with a weapon, etc. All situations where there is a real threat to life.

Pointless fears are essentially our complexes, what we “think up” more.

Often this has nothing to do with the real situation, but also greatly affects us and leads to inaction.

These are fears such as: not being liked, making mistakes, fear of public speaking and new acquaintances.

The fear of failure also belongs to this type of fear.

It seems that nothing threatens our life and it is not a fact that this failure will happen at all, but everything is constrained from the inside and the person chooses “not to act.”

What will help you overcome this fear?

Below I offer you a simple technique consisting of a series of questions. These questions will help you look at the situation differently and ultimately choose to take action.

Questions:

Block 1️⃣: ✔️ “What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation?”

Paint the situation in all colors. The brighter the better! The more terrible, the more wonderful!

“How obvious is this?”

“Is there a threat to life?”

Perhaps already at this stage you will understand the groundlessness of your worries. No? Then we move to the second stage.

Block 2️⃣

✔️ Imagine that the worst thing happened, what will you do? ✔️ What are your options? ✔️ What will you do to improve the situation?

If the first set of questions appeals more to your emotions, then the second one appeals to your reason.

Yes, the worst thing happened. Now let's look for solutions to problems!

I like the advice Dale Carnegie gives in his book “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.”

You need to imagine that what you are afraid of has already happened. Just accept it as a fait accompli!

Personally, this advice helps me a lot.

At this stage, think through specific options. Lock them down. Now you are armed and the situation of failure does not seem so hopeless! It's true?!

I am sure that these tips will help you overcome laziness, which is caused by your inner beliefs and fear of failure.

What do you think about the algorithm for working with limiting beliefs?