Tyrant husband: what to do, how to deal with it?

Women in love often do not immediately understand that their lover is showing some signs of a tyrant. At first, the manifestation of tyranny is perceived as excessive guardianship or care, which imperceptibly turns into constant pressure from a loved one. And even if it does not come to the point of physical violence, sooner or later a woman will discover all the delights of such behavior.

The sooner you can recognize the alarm bells, the faster you will be able to rid yourself of the prospect of turning life into hell. Psychologists have a whole list of signs of a real tyrant. Take a closer look at your chosen one, does he have them? Perhaps he is just one of those men who are not suitable for relationships and marriage?

How does a tyrant man manifest himself?

Such a man is almost always in a dejected state. He has a lot of problems that he will be happy to talk about. The goal is simple - to arouse pity, and by putting pressure on feelings, begin to manipulate. Don't think that whining is just a sign of weakness. Tyranny is often hidden behind it.
Such representatives of the stronger sex are very jealous. As they say, they are jealous of every pillar. They don't need a reason to start a scandal with accusations of infidelity. His woman friends, regardless of their gender, are his enemies with whom he does not want to share his “property.”
The tyrant does everything so that his girlfriend or wife stops communicating with people close to her, including relatives. To get their way, a person often turns her against them.
An attempt to break off your woman's relationship with the outside world is presented as a concern that she is supposedly being treated differently or being a bad influence. Behind this are only their own interests, and not real concern.
Such men often criticize their wives and girlfriends. This applies to anything: clothing style, manner of speaking, life interests and professionalism. At first, this looks like an attempt to make the silly woman smarter and more attractive, but in fact, they undermine the woman’s self-confidence and lower her self-esteem.
He knows how to use deft manipulations to turn the victim of his pressure into the accused, forcing his beloved to admit what she did not do, shifting responsibility for her disgusting behavior onto her.
Checking your phone, email, and social media pages is also a sign of tyranny. Such a man has total control.
The domestic dictator speaks unflatteringly about his friends and colleagues, ex-wives, accusing them of both.
He makes decisions without taking into account the opinion of his companion or consulting with her, making it clear that she has no right to vote.
Such a person with all his behavior forces the woman to remain silent and unrequited. It is convenient for him that she is afraid to say an extra word, fearing his explosive reaction.
Even if a woman has her own money, this man does everything to prevent her from wasting it. Such a person will be glad if his companion quits her job under the pretext of caring for her and the desire to fully provide for her. Having achieved this, he begins to reproach her for her helplessness and inability to earn money on her own.
Gradually it comes to a physical threat, when expressions like “I’ll kill you!” are no longer perceived as a figure of speech.

Does hitting you mean loving you? Hit him with all your heart! Let him also feel how crazy you are about him! - Unknown author

I don’t have a future with him, but I’m going to him...

I thought for a long time whether to write about myself or not, whether my story even fits the description of life with a tyrant. As you can see, I decided to write, but I’m not sure about everything else. It all started five years ago, I was 18 years old then. We both attended the same college and lived in the same dorm. It couldn’t be more banal, but it was this man who turned my whole life upside down. At first everything was fabulous. He's masculine, a little cocky, so different from my boring exes.

His expressions of care made me feel fragile and so important - and this even despite the fact that he was younger than me. Be that as it may, I did not expect anything serious from this relationship; I could not even imagine that this intrigue would drag on for more than a month. But I was wrong.

To be honest, I don’t even remember how our first quarrel arose, but I remember my impressions well. I'm not at all used to conflicts in relationships. All my previous relationships were built on peace, where I felt important, but here - this!!! It even seemed interesting to me, the adrenaline was going through the roof. Within two months we were living practically on a common budget, we ate together, slept together, went for walks together...

One day, returning from class, I found my personal diary on the bed, although I remembered that I had not left it there, and when Dima spoke with phrases from my diary, I realized that he had read it... Can you imagine? I read my diary!!! My rage knew no bounds... He, in turn, did not think that he had done anything wrong, and moreover, to my claims about interference in my personal life, I heard counter claims about what I had read.

A truly terrible scandal broke out, I tried to send him away, I didn’t want to see him, but to no avail. He was not going to leave, moreover, he did not let me out of his steel grip. He refused to respond to demands to be released. I announced that we were breaking up. After about a week, he was no longer recognizable - sheer politeness and courtesy, no raised tones, no requests for forgiveness... I forgave.

We lived in peace for another three months... and everything happened again. I don’t even know how, but our relationship continued. Two years later I graduated from college, and he had another year left... but we decided to live together. We rented an apartment, I started working, and he studied. There was not enough money, and new reasons for conflicts appeared... Now, along with the screams, there appeared abuse, threats, and in some places even inappropriate behavior. I have often heard obscene curses addressed to me.

Then he graduated from college and got a job. And the conflicts became more and more frequent and terrible... He began to threaten that he would not let me go anywhere, and if I left, he would still not give me a personal life, since he would keep an eye on me, and if someone appeared with me, then he would it will be bad. If I did manage to leave him, it was not for long - we got back together again. And he, in turn, became more and more demanding of me...

I began to realize that I was already losing myself in this relationship. After numerous insults and humiliations, I developed complexes and lost self-confidence. I understand that with him I became a completely different person. In moments of quarrels I see so clearly what is good and what is bad, I promise myself to never start this again, to leave once and for all... but after some time I come back again.

I started having hysterics and depression. I could start crying for no reason, sometimes it even seemed like I was going crazy... But tell me, how can one person coexist with a beloved man, with whom there was so much good, and this maniac who inspires horror?!

Conflicts continued to become more frequent and worse. Every time the cause of the previous conflict disappeared (for example, I no longer spent “a lot” of time with my friend), a new one appeared. During the scandals, we no longer made do with words and insults, the pieces of furniture that he destroyed, the equipment that he broke, and even me, whom he roughly dragged around the apartment, forcing her to shut up, began to suffer - and I roared even more from pain and resentment.

Afterwards I had to listen to him say that I myself was to blame for what happened, it was I who provoked him to such behavior - if I had listened to him in the first place, none of this would have happened. Our last scandal was simply colossal in terms of the power of destruction. This is the moment when my consciousness simply turned off, and I myself began to destroy everything around me, and he went crazy and hit me in the face with a swing, and I started hitting him back.

Nothing like this had ever happened to me; such anger bubbled up inside me that it drowned out all fear. I grabbed everything I could get my hands on, threatening him, just so that he wouldn’t come closer. Apparently, this worked, because he did not insist, and I was already hysterical, from which I was literally suffocating. After swallowing Corvalol, I calmed down after about an hour.

The next day, right in the morning, I called my parents and asked them to come pick me up. Needless to say, if they didn’t like him before, now they simply hate him. While he was at work, I packed my things and, with the help of my parents, moved them to my aunt. In those few days that I spent at home after this, my thoughts were clear and precise, I knew for sure that I did not want to see or hear him.

He wrote and called, I began to ignore him, but I couldn’t hide at home forever (my parents live outside the city) and went to my aunt. And the very moment I found myself in my new room, I simply could not stop sobbing. Such an all-consuming melancholy enveloped me; my emotions brought almost physical pain! I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I felt very bad - sadness, melancholy, loneliness turned into a specific cocktail of pain.

I began to understand that I could not cope with my problem on my own. All the advice from friends and the persuasion of my parents do not work on me. That is, I know that they are right, yes, he will not change - I already understood, yes, I have no future with him, yes, I feel sorry for the children we may have, but at the moment of “withdrawal” I can’t stand it and go to him. How, tell me, how to explain this?! What should I do?! I want to see a good specialist, but I can’t afford the services of a psychologist. It already seems to me that I have a psychological problem, and I need rehabilitation.

Lena

What to do if your husband is a tyrant

A man does what a woman allows him to do. In order not to be humiliated and downtrodden, you need to get rid of the victim mentality. This is very difficult to do while constantly under moral pressure. Experts advise leaving the tyrant.

If it has already come to the point of assault, it’s time not only to leave, but to flee. If your lover is still limited to “blowouts” and verbal humiliation, provide yourself with a way to escape. The sooner you do this, the better it will be.

You need to plan your escape in such a way that your spouse remains unaware of your intentions until the last moment. He will do anything to prevent you from leaving, making your life unbearable.

First, take care of the money you have to live on. Problems often arise with this. Find income that your spouse won’t know about. If you haven’t had a job yet, get one, despite all the objections from your “neighbor.” An argument you can make, for example, is that you want to contribute to the family budget so that your husband can rest more.

It will be a plus to find someone who inspires your trust, so that you won’t be afraid to talk about your problems.

If it is difficult to take a step towards a new life, talk to those who have gone through such an experience. As practice shows, those who left the tyrant regret only that they did not dare to do so for too long.

Think in advance about where you will live. It is advisable to move to close people who can provide moral support and at least partially provide physical protection.

You have to leave when your husband is not at home. It is impossible to predict what his reaction will be if he finds this moment. A despot can strike and suggest that you shouldn’t leave. The consequences of abandoning this thought in such a development of events sometimes turn out to be sad.

When leaving, begin to resolve the issue of divorce. It would be a good idea to consult with a lawyer. Thanks to this, you will be able to protect your interests when dividing property and assigning alimony for children. The specialist will also advise how to protect yourself from the tyrant when threatened by him.

The main psychological signs of female tyranny:

- manic desire for power and control over everyone;

- manipulation of husband and children in their own interests;

- emotional coldness and severity;

— inflated egoism and narcissism;

- does not tolerate any objections or criticism;

— emotional and physical violence against household members;

- commercialism, almost everything is done for her own benefit;

- inability to compromise and solve problems constructively.

These are not all the psychological characteristics of a despotic woman, they can be continued, but I have highlighted the most common traits. Conclusion is a person who strives to dominate and rule over others, control them and impose his opinion, using aggression and scandals to achieve the implementation of his decision.

Is it possible to improve the relationship?

Many women suffer from the fact that their husband is an alcoholic and a tyrant. What to do? The vast majority will advise getting a divorce. But some women are so afraid of being alone or value their relationship with their spouse so much that they refuse to admit that their husband is a tyrant. Signs and advice are ignored. If a woman is categorically determined to improve her relationship, she can be advised to do the following:

Start with yourself. Stop feeling like a victim and accept your situation. Change your look, refresh your wardrobe, learn a couple of new culinary recipes, try to make your home more comfortable. This may make your spouse fall in love with you again and change their behavior.
Stop your husband from drinking on the side. Let there always be a bottle of high-quality alcohol in your kitchen, with which you can celebrate some significant events for your family. Perhaps this will make the man give up drinking with friends.
Don't let him get bored. Seize every moment of his “enlightenment” and use this time profitably. Take him to the cinema, to the theater, to a restaurant, for a walk, or just have a romantic evening by candlelight with all the ensuing consequences.
Learn to listen to him. If you see that a man is gnawed by some problem, do not let it fuel him from the inside and cause attacks of aggression. Try to get him to talk, listen and give practical advice.

Three types of domestic tyranny

If the husband is a domestic tyrant, what to do must be determined based on the characteristics of his behavior. Three types can be distinguished:

Total control. A man wants to know literally second by second the movement schedule of his wife and all other household members. If you are half an hour late from work, you will have to give a long report and make excuses. At the same time, all attempts to defend their right to freedom of movement end in loud scandals, threats and other unpleasant moments.
Moral humiliation. A man constantly convinces his wife that she is doing everything wrong, that she is worse than other women. The husband insists that he is doing his chosen one a favor by living with her. It's not easy for ladies if the husband is a moral tyrant. What to do? Sometimes the only way to save yourself is through divorce.
Physical violence. Assault is an extreme form of domestic tyranny. Sometimes aggression is based not only on an unstable mental state, but is also reinforced by regular and heavy consumption of alcohol.

Can the problem be prevented?

You can easily maintain a full-fledged and healthy family if you notice early on the signs that your husband is a tyrant. What to do? The psychologist's advice is as follows:

Earn your own living. Financially independent women are less likely to become victims of domestic tyranny, because the issue of money cannot become a reason for reproach.
Avoid manipulation. Remember that you are not obliged to limit communication with friends and relatives, even if your chosen one does not like them. At the same time, you absolutely should not feel guilty about this.
Show your spouse that cruelty will not go unpunished. Your beloved should know that the slightest manifestation of violence on his part will result in an appeal to law enforcement agencies. In addition, always emphasize that there are people who can protect you.
Don't hold on to good memories. You cannot tolerate bullying today, remembering how gentle and caring the man was when we met. Learn to live for today.
Show that you are not holding on to the marriage and are not afraid of losing your husband. It's like being at work. If you don't hold on to your position and are ready to leave at any moment, your boss will value you. Likewise, the husband will take care of a strong and independent woman, whom she can easily lose.

Why don't husbands leave the family tyrant?

Because they were most likely raised by the same family tyrant, only it could be the father, not necessarily the mother. The poor child was beaten, slapped, humiliated, and insulted from an early age. These are his childhood attitudes, he does not know that he can live without feeling guilty for some reason, without humiliating himself, he is used to being weak, childish, dependent on other people’s opinions and strength. So an immature, spineless and codependent little man grew up. By the way, such men often become alcoholics or drug addicts, and may suffer from other types of codependency, such as gambling addiction. The easiest way is to continue to exist, without drawing any conclusions from your previous childhood life, not to bother and not to defend yourself, it’s simpler and clearer. What a pity! The worst thing in this situation is that people really often don’t realize that they themselves provoke and attract monster women to themselves, indulging them and playing by their rules, without feeling the strength or will in themselves.

What not to do?

Not every woman agrees to admit the fact that her husband is a tyrant. What to do? This is not an easy question. When building your behavior model, you need to know what exactly you cannot do:

Make fun of your spouse's vices in society. You can share your problem only with those closest to you. But “washing dirty linen in public” is not recommended, especially in the presence of those around him. This may spur the tyrant to take even more active actions against you.
Provoking jealousy. Do not try to involve your former and new admirers in teaching a lesson to a domestic tyrant. Most likely, this will end in proceedings with a fight between men, as well as physical violence against you.
Shift responsibility to his parents. Don't think that he will be ashamed in front of his family. In rare cases, the father-in-law or mother-in-law takes the side of the daughter-in-law. But, as a rule, a domestic tyrant finds allies in them who will willingly join in the persecution of you.
Threaten divorce and issue ultimatums. It is quite possible that this will work for a short time, but, as a rule, a man does not give up his habits. Moreover, by telling your husband about your plans for leaving the family, you will give him time to prepare and set up some troubles.
Simulation of poor health and powerlessness. Thinking that by doing this you will scare a man and force him to behave differently, you are mistaken. As a rule, such a state of the wife causes disgust in the tyrant’s husband, and therefore your soreness will become an additional reason for reproach.

What is the conclusion?

What conclusion can be drawn? Of course, running away from a tyrant husband or living with an aggressor is a woman’s choice, sometimes unconscious. If a woman finds the strength to leave, then she can safely be called resourceful. Love and respect for oneself, love and care for children were able to win. What if there is no resource? If there is an understanding that it is impossible to live like this, and there is a real threat to the physical and mental safety of children, but there is no strength, what then to do? Involve as many specialists as possible in solving the problem.

Families in which violence flourishes become closed to others - this is the main obstacle to help. Psychological support is one of these outstretched hands. In Russia, as in many developed countries, there are helplines and free psychological help centers, incl. for victims of domestic violence. If you do not have the opportunity to get support from loved ones, you can always find it. The main thing is to understand that you need support and start looking for it.

Why is this happening?

There are a number of reasons why a man develops a tendency to display violence in the family. Speaking about it, we imagine cruelty towards the weak, dependent and, often, helpless: wife, children, old parents, that is, all those who cannot fight back and provide tough resistance. Many female victims noted that when interacting with other people, men and women, tyrant husbands became cowardly, helpful, and ingratiating.

Let's look at the main versions.

Who is most likely to face tyranny?

It is painful and unpleasant to realize that your husband is a tyrant. What to do? You need to think about this at the dating stage. Let you be driven not by romance, but by cold reason, because men with despotic inclinations do not make their choice by chance. Most of all they prefer to meet and start a family with the following girls:

Unsure of themselves. Often these are girls with some kind of complex regarding appearance, health or interpersonal relationships. Usually they are unlucky in their personal lives, and therefore they are very happy when they meet a person who loves them. Having surrounded the girl with care and attention in the early stages of the relationship, later the tyrant man convinces her that she owes him everything and no man will look at her again.
Orphans, girls from disadvantaged families or living far from their relatives. They feel lonely, and there is no one to protect them. Thus, a domestic tyrant can feel absolutely impunity when humiliating his wife.
Girls who find themselves in difficult life situations. There is nothing easier than lending a man’s shoulder to a woman who is facing trouble. Naturally, she feels gratitude towards her caring hero and may even fall in love with him. But when people enter into family life, a man changes radically. Humiliating his wife, he does not forget to reproach her for being there at a difficult moment.
Young girls with no life experience. A young lady, inspired by dreams and hopes, may not notice the catch, because the advances of an adult man are always pleasant. But later, age becomes an argument for humiliating the dignity of the spouse and manipulating her.

Setting personal boundaries

A happy family is the dream of many

The strategy used by tyrant husbands to suppress the will of the victim is simple to the point of impossibility. They are trying to impose their values and attitudes, to replace your opinion with their own.

Naturally, when your opinion is devalued, you lose self-confidence and become vulnerable to any suggestion from the outside. If you often hear similar phrases from your husband, then it’s time to think about your future relationship:

You know nothing;
I'll tell you how to do it better;
Nobody asked you;
My husband knows better;
It is your fault.

A tyrant man will do everything possible to make his wife feel vulnerable. Manipulation through guilt occupies a special place in the arsenal of psychological sadism. The sadist gives his victim responsibility for all events that occur in the marriage and, sometimes, even outside it.

In case of the slightest discrepancy between expectations and reality, the woman is always guilty. Sometimes such a man can deliberately provoke conflict situations with one goal - to blame his wife.

In order to get rid of your tyrant husband, you must recognize yourself as an integral person with your own desires and interests. Before you do anything on the recommendation of your beloved husband, ask yourself whether you want to do it and what benefits will you get?

Taking care of your needs will be the first step towards getting rid of tyranny. If you are in doubt whether to leave your unlucky husband or not, then honestly answer the following questions:

What do I get from this marriage?
What did my husband do for our happiness?
Do I feel good around him?
When was the last time I wasn't afraid of my own husband?

To get rid of surging doubts, write down the answers on a piece of paper. And re-read them every time you want to forgive him.

How to behave in conditions of female tyranny in the family?

Leave, run away, get divorced! In such relationships this is the only way and no other way! You are unlikely to change an oppressive woman, but you can change your life and defend a man’s honor. No female manipulation should be kept in the family, by and large it never existed, because in a normal family there are two who know how to listen and hear each other, negotiate, be responsible for each family member and love, in the end.

If you don’t feel sorry for yourself anymore, think about your own children. Who will grow up? A miserable person like you - weak, pathetic, irresponsible and worthless? Or, on the contrary, merciless, aggressive, cruel, domineering and emotionless?

You just need to take responsibility for making a decision. It’s difficult and difficult, but living the way my client lives is unworthy. Over the years, her own daughter will not respect her father, or, at best, feel sorry for him. Having matured, he will not say thank you for a happy childhood, because his presence in the family provokes his wife into scandals and conflicts. Don’t be afraid that the mother will go over to her daughter and begin to oppress her, this is a completely different relationship, the girl will be able to stand up for herself until, looking at her father, she becomes like him.

If you are unable to independently resolve your relationship with the domestic tyrant in the family, you need to consult an experienced psychologist. In Moscow there are many qualified and worthy specialists in family psychology and it is not necessary to come for a consultation; now all psychologists work online, just to help and give certain recommendations in each specific case. But the decision is always yours, the main thing is to act, don’t whine or complain, but implement something for your loved one!