Abusive relationships are not only difficult to leave, they are difficult to recognize right away. But the sooner you can find patterns of manipulator and aggressor in your partner’s behavior, the greater the chances of leaving the relationship before it turns into absolute hell. In the book “It’s not your fault,” Diana Sadreeva talks about the signs of abuse.
About the book:
Journalist Diana Sadreeva spent a year and a half talking with victims of domestic violence, human rights activists, women's rights activists and employees of relief funds. She has done a lot of work to help people understand what domestic violence is, the dangers of it, and how to find the strength to leave a destructive relationship, even if it seems impossible.
We are publishing an excerpt from the chapter “How to understand that there is abuse in a relationship.”
What is abuse in a relationship?
Recently, I have been seeing this word more and more often in my environment. It is used by the authors of stories in public pages and ordinary girls in conversations, sometimes without understanding who the abusers really are. For some, this is just a fashionable word that can be used to call their partner who does not want to satisfy their next whim, but for others it is a serious problem in the image of a person. Although the role of tyrant is usually assigned to a man, women can also exert psychological pressure.
An abuser is simply a rapist or rapist (so to speak). Yes, not some maniac from a dark alley, but a faithful husband, a dearly beloved wife or colleague. Often this becomes the boss. In a destructive relationship, one of the partners reveals his essence as an aggressor, and the other is forced to become his victim. These could be family ties, romance or joint activities. More often than not, men revel in their power; abusers are a rarer occurrence in life.
Both are capable of putting pressure on the psyche, and sometimes they do this in very sophisticated ways. One day I met such a person on the way, an abusive man who tried to subjugate himself. Fortunately, I was able to recognize the “predator” in time and prevent the consequences. Later, this valuable experience was very useful in life and saved me from big troubles. Some are less fortunate, and they do not even suspect that they are in a trap skillfully placed by an abuser.
Disguised rapists are much more common in life than we might think. An abusive woman may have an angelic appearance, but a luxurious handsome man from the cover of Forbes may not live up to his image of an ideal man. Such individuals have a sharp mind, ingenuity, are endowed with charm, charisma and know how to charm. Rarely do any of them immediately reveal their true essence.
Relationships after abuse - how to start?
Relationships after abuse
As a rule, when a person has been emotionally abused, it is difficult for him to forget about everything. Moreover, it is difficult to enter into new relationships. Although, some tie them to distract themselves. This is not prohibited, but you must understand that until conclusions are drawn from the past, you will not find personal happiness.
But, if quite a lot of time has already passed, then you need to figure out whether you are really ready to let another person into your life. This can be determined by the following signs:
- Think about how dependent you are on other people's opinions. Do you make decisions based on other people's opinions? Do you have a sense of value?
- Don’t be afraid of past experience, but try to work with it using the re-immersion technique. When you are ready for this, painful memories will appear in your memory. You must understand them correctly, as if re-experience them - get angry, offended and understand that you are not alone and you have someone to rely on, that is, yourself.
- Think about how you feel. How do you feel around men? Do they value you and are they interested in your needs? Will you act to your own detriment or are you not afraid of conflicts?
- Look at yourself and think, do you hide your dissatisfaction in front of your loved ones? You will be surprised, but healthy aggression is normal. It is this that allows you to define your boundaries and protect yourself from manipulation.
If you decide to enter into a new relationship, then take your time so that the void left by the abuser first acquires new life, and then let a new person into your life.
How to recognize an abuser: main signs
I would like to highlight the signs of abuse that are important for everyone to know. You can even print them out and use them as a reminder just in case to maintain your mental (and sometimes physical) health.
Signs of an abuser in a relationship:
- Total control;
- Devaluation of the partner’s personality;
- Pathological jealousy;
- Suppression of initiative;
- Tendency to tyranny;
- The desire to induce feelings of guilt;
- Blackmail;
- Partner manipulation.
These are the main signs by which a “predator” can be recognized. What does an emotional abuser do in order to bind the victim to himself:
► Checks email, phone, does not tolerate passwords on his partner’s gadgets.
► Uses derogatory nicknames and speech patterns. For example, he calls his wife “elephant”, “stupid”, “fool”. All this is served with a sweet sauce, but leaves emotional bitterness in the victim.
► Convinces that it is the victim who provokes the quarrels and that in fact everything is done for her good and out of strong love.
► Uses any excuse to start a conflict and applies his pathological jealousy “to every pillar” as a weapon of moral pressure.
► Blackmails the victim, pressing for pity, feelings of guilt and duty.
If the abuser is a woman, these signs are slightly smoothed out. More often, “affectionate” hypocritical treatment is used, which develops into blackmail and pressure for pity. Hysterics and scenes of jealousy are just tools for manipulation.
Signs of an abuser:
► Frequent and demonstrative comparison of your man with others is not in his favor.
► Use of derogatory statements that devalue a man’s personality: “bad husband, father, worthless worker.”
► Manipulation through threats to break off relationships.
► Exaggeration of one’s own importance in relationships/family/work.
► Unreasonable insults, public ridicule, humiliation in front of witnesses.
► Downplaying the merits and successes of a partner/colleague/subordinate.
► Attacks of pathological jealousy.
► The desire to take control of expenses, the desire to manage a man’s money.
► Sudden hysterics and outbursts of passion.
► Monitoring correspondence, messages, contacts of a man.
► Turning others against him (children, colleagues, relatives).
► Addiction to lying.
► Everyday blackmail as a norm of behavior.
If the abuser is a man, his signs are more brutal and rude. Physical violence, beatings and forced sex are more often used. He does everything to ensure that the woman depends on him and cannot “run away” anywhere. Qualities inherent in him:
► Derogatory and dismissive attitude towards the ex. A man may be careless and let slip that he used violence against his wife/mistress.
► Disrespectful attitude towards you at the moment. He does not take your opinion into account, does not take into account your desires and needs. No less dangerous is the situation when a girl is “put on a pedestal and idolized.” This is fraught with the same severe humiliation in the future.
► Intrusive offers of help when it is not needed or excessive generosity that causes embarrassment. All this contributes to the appearance of a guilt complex.
► Excessive control. This may seem pleasant at first, but over time it becomes depressing as you are completely deprived of personal space and freedom of action.
► A person does not admit mistakes and does not consider himself to blame, no matter what happens. He always has someone to whom he can shift responsibility.
► Narcissism and self-centeredness.
► There may be addictions, bad habits - gambling, alcoholism, drug addiction. He puts pressure on pity and cultivates a savior complex in you, which will then turn against you.
►Forcing intimate relationships, sex.
► Most often, the abuser chooses a victim from a certain type of girl - vulnerable and vulnerable.
Each of the qualities individually may not be a sign of an abuser, but the combination of several of the listed properties in one person should certainly raise red flags.
The abuser’s behavior is aimed at getting what he wants, namely power over his partner. It starts with “innocent” pranks and ends with beatings and forced sex any time he wants it. Nothing can stop the rapist - neither requests, nor persuasion, nor the presence of children. He will always find a way to get what he wants, and resistance will provoke him even more. Essentially, he is a dangerous person who enjoys humiliating, insulting, manipulating and abusing both emotionally and physically.
Sometimes it is difficult to figure out what exactly causes discomfort in a relationship. The abuser’s actions and judgments may seem logical, and the reproaches may seem fair. But if, despite the “care” on the part of the partner, anxiety and panic appear, this is the first signal that the situation needs to be changed.
Does abuse happen from a woman and how does it manifest itself?
Peculiarities of abuse
In rare cases, emotional abuse from women occurs. She is such a dictator, but it is not immediately obvious. It doesn't act physically, it presses psychologically. It is better to avoid such women.
But how do you recognize her? Of course, a woman does not begin to release her claws right away. But over time it reveals itself:
- Compares his chosen one with others and they turn out to be much better
- Constant statements about how bad a man is
- Threats of divorce even for minor reasons
- Constant predictions, for example, that a man will drink himself to death if she leaves him
- Exaggeration of one’s own importance, for example, that a man is worthless without it
- Such women constantly make fun of their husband in public, insult and interrupt
- Any successes of her husband irritate her and instead of praising her, she brushes them aside and claims that they are insignificant
- During an argument, they may ignore it to bring it to a boiling point.
- Sometimes attacks of pathological jealousy occur
- She constantly monitors all financial transactions
- Tries to get involved in all correspondence, check mail and calls
- Her mood constantly changes. Now she can scream and hate you, but in five minutes she will become a passionate lover
- She never gives in in an argument and constantly raises her voice so that only she can be heard.
- Tries to turn children against their father
- Never keeps promises
- She believes that she is special and everything is forgiven to her. At the same time, she convinces others of this. This, by the way, may cause her to cheat - after all, she can do anything
- He starts tyrannizing his own children for no reason.
- Often lies
- Considers his behavior normal and the only correct one
When a woman is already over 30, it will be almost impossible to re-educate her. It’s better to just leave her and not spoil your nerves. Or simply ignore all her habits and try hard to put her in her place. With a young girl it will still pass. Although, constant confrontation has never brought anyone any good either, there will be many family wars and it is impossible to predict their outcome.
The man has to deal with this violence himself because he is ashamed to admit this situation. And from the outside it’s still not noticeable. Usually friends and colleagues find out about everything late. This usually happens when the person is already deeply depressed.
Types of abuse in relationships
Since abuse means violence, the first association is beatings and rape. However, this is not its only variety. There are other forms too. This can be various types of abuse in the family and types of abusive relationships that occur in a work/creative or other group.
Physical abuse
Bodily violence or physical abuse is the use of brute force against a weaker person. The result is pain, deterioration of health, injury, damage. This species receives more attention than others because it leaves visible marks. Although “competent” tyrants know how to do this without anyone guessing what the victim experienced.
Physical abuse can last for years or decades until the death of the victim. At first, objects are thrown at the person, then he receives light pushes and blows, which gradually develop into suffocation and beating. Although the abuser is not interested in the death of his victim, he can get carried away and cause harm incompatible with life.
Children often become hostages of the situation. They may be subject to physical abuse from adults.
A rude, systematic attitude towards a child is a sign of abuse. He cannot respond in kind, he closes himself off, he is afraid to attract attention once again. The victim complex is successfully instilled from childhood and flourishes in adulthood. Sometimes, growing up, such victims of violence turn their anger on their tormentors and become like them, or copy the model of behavior in relation to their own family and others.
Psychological abuse
Emotional or psychological abuse in a relationship is the impact on the victim through words, intonation, inaction or harm. Most often, the list of tools includes ridicule, suppression, humiliation, and intimidation. A psychological abuser does not break distance and does not touch the victim or use physical force. But such exposure is fraught with the appearance of depression, increased anxiety, or the occurrence of post-traumatic syndrome.
In addition to unpleasant dialogues, the tyrant exhausts his victim with mocking and humiliating messages in instant messengers, sends SMS messages, and writes insulting notes. If the initiator of the abuse is a woman, then she does it with passion and with all the bitchiness she is capable of. A favorite technique is the appearance of such messages in the most unexpected places at the wrong time.
Psychological abuse also uses verbal violence. It is characterized by the use of obscene language, insults, and intimidation. All this happens most often in front of witnesses in order to suppress the will of the victim, deprive her of confidence, cut the ground from under her feet and ultimately subjugate her.
Economic abuse
A financial or economic abuser seeks to take over the victim's wallet. He or she will do everything to control expenses and subjugate the owner's financial resources. Most often it is women who are guilty of this. Among financial abusers, the majority are representatives of the “fair sex”.
Often the victims are elderly people or elderly people who fall under the influence of relatives or scammers. If the guardian has control over the finances, he can abuse his position and spend the victim's money at his discretion.
Since he does not report to anyone, he can manage the finances of his ward with impunity. This type of abuse is often found in our reality. These include grandchildren who drink away the pensions of unfortunate old people and unscrupulous guardians of minor children who live on their benefits.
Economic abuse in the family occurs as often as physical abuse, only it is less noticeable. Because victims do not realize that they are being taken advantage of because of their age or because they are afraid, tyrants go unpunished. This instills in them a sense of omnipotence and increases self-esteem. Self-affirmation at the expense of the victim in one form or another is the main goal of the abuser.
Sexual abuse
Abusers of this type use several levels of influence at once - physical, financial, psychological, emotional. There are no reliable statistics on sexual violence. Victims are ashamed of what happened, feel afraid, or do not realize what happened (for example, children). Sexual abuse can be unconscious or conscious. In addition, it can be hidden and obvious.
Forcing physical intimacy in any form is violence. It implies:
- Entering into sexual relations through coercion;
- Inappropriate or unwanted sexual references;
- Insistence on unprotected sexual intercourse;
- Taking advantage of the victim's helpless state (drunkenness, childhood or old age, physical weakness).
The consequences of such abuse are very sad for the victim. She suffers from anxiety, sleep disturbances, panic attacks, fear of relationships, guilt and shame about what happened. All these many other consequences of violence destroy the psyche and affect the personality and haunt a person for many years, and often until the end of life.
Children and adolescents, especially boys, sometimes become victims of unconscious sexual abuse. This applies to those young men whose mothers demonstrate frank behavior, walk naked (partially or completely) in their presence, and allow themselves manifestations of intimacy that are unusual in the relationship between a son and mother. Such behavior is fraught with the development of various kinds of complexes in the young victim and problems with women in the adult future.
As a rule, older male relatives show abuse towards girls, forcing her to show her genitals or showing hers. Hidden abuse is not so obvious, but it leaves a deep traumatic mark on the psyche of the future woman. If an adult man talks about sexual intercourse in the presence of a child, without mincing words, this forms a distorted picture of reality in the fragile mind.
Inducing sex with a teenage girl and using her as a sex slave creates a victim complex that most people are unable to get rid of. In fact, this cripples the child’s psyche. Crossing this boundary in communication is unacceptable. Every person has the right to physical and moral integrity in the sexual sphere, regardless of age.
Emotional abuse by parents in childhood: signs
The cycle of abuse
So, emotional abuse manifests itself in different situations, and the first I would like to consider is when parents use emotional violence against their child. First of all, you must understand that such people do not look any different. They are no different from others, but not in this regard.
There are a number of signs that allow you to determine that a child is being emotionally abused:
- Rejection . In this case, the parents do it so that if the child does not want to be the way they want, then they abandon him, because they cannot truly accept him. This manifests itself in simple situations. For example, a child does not want to sleep, but they tell him that they will give him to other people if he behaves badly. His parents constantly say how useless he is and why he was born, because now they have to put up with him. Or, instead, the child is simply ignored. Rejection manifests itself in constant criticism, humiliation, insults, regret that the child is not like that, he is excluded from events and in general everything is prohibited, which contradicts parental guidelines. As a result, the child grows up infantile and incapable of independent life.
- Ignoring . Children who were neglected as children end up unable to respond to the needs of their own children. They do not know how to constructively resolve conflicts and withstand intimacy. If the method of ignoring is chosen, then this is a child’s position, but not in general, but in some situations when you cannot cope with your emotions. Children do exactly the same thing - they sulk and that’s it. But they don’t know how to resolve conflicts. In any case, when ignoring occurs, the child does not receive emotions from the parent and falls into frustration; his needs are not fully satisfied.
- Terrorization . This means threats, teasing, punishment. This does not always apply to the child himself; this is how parents can behave with each other. A particularly difficult situation is when adults lash out at children, and then, feeling guilty, become affectionate. From here, interpersonal conflict appears within the child. He does not understand how a loving person can be dangerous and affectionate at the same time. The promise of reprisal makes one afraid or angry when a child does it even out of spite in order to overcome an adult. Parents may also threaten to tell others something; this is more common among teenagers.
Who is an abuser?
- Blackmail . This is a kind of manipulation. For example, a parent promises to leave the child alone if he refuses to do something. Parents can blackmail for the simplest reasons, even if the child simply does not answer the phone.
- Isolation . Represents restrictions. Often parents simply do not know how to influence their child and forbid him to communicate with peers. For example, they close the house for a week for a bad grade. Some even deprive them of food and forbid them to communicate with their family, or take them away for home schooling. All this has a bad effect on the child, and the parent develops a severe form of emotional abuse.
- Corruption . This doesn't mean sexual. This may manifest itself in encouraging cruelty to people or animals. Even during sports competitions, you cannot praise your child for this. This also applies to watching porn films, photos, permission to take alcohol and drugs. This is all illegal, but sometimes it shows up.
- Exploitation . The most common situation when children have to raise children. They are charged with responsibility for the younger ones. Coercion or manipulation is precisely abuse, especially punishment for disobedience. A 12-year-old child may be developed, but he is still immature and certainly has no time for raising children. Many people give birth with the idea that they will be helped. And in the end it turns out that the adults wanted the child, and the child is responsible for it.
Ultimately, the child cannot escape this abuse and end the relationship with his parents. At least until he becomes an adult. He will have to live in such a family and adapt, sometimes literally. When parents do not give their children enough love and affection, their perception of themselves and the world around them is distorted. They never feel safe. By the way, when girls grow up in the role of a victim in childhood, they are quite capable of entering into a relationship with a tyrant, because they are used to feeling guilty for everything.
Why is abuse dangerous in a relationship?
The paradox of abusive relationships is that their essence can be hidden for a long time not only from the victim, but also from the aggressor. This happens due to personality traits. When one is always looking for someone to blame, and the other is used to taking the blame all his life, people “find each other” and build relationships that are normal, from their point of view. But this is far from the norm, from a psychological point of view. Oddly enough, friendship, family ties, “love” between a man and a woman can manifest themselves in this way.
The danger is that the victim faces the destruction of self-esteem and physical violence, not only in the present time, but also over time. Aggressors are unable to easily let go of their victim, because a lot of effort has been spent on its subjugation and taming. They are attached to her in their own way. Both often develop a painful dependence on each other, which is fraught with “breakage”. The victim gets hooked on suffering, and the tyrant gets hooked on the pleasure he gets from inflicting it. There can be no talk of a normal life in such conditions.
Is it worth tolerating a relationship with an abuser? Of course not, if you consider yourself worthy of a normal, human relationship. The problem is that it is extremely difficult to break this addiction. Living with an abuser leaves an imprint on habits, character, and the psyche as a whole. The suppressed personality undergoes dramatic changes. What is happening looks like masochism. Lost, destroyed self-esteem contributes to the victim’s conviction that she is unworthy of something different, better, and all this is deserved. Although this is not true. The victim of an abuser becomes his own enemy.
Why is an abuser dangerous?
► “Processing” of the victim occurs gradually. First, the aggressor gains trust and wins over. Gradually, under the guise of care, criticism appears, developing into outright humiliation.
► The abuser creates an artificial “bubble” of isolation around the victim. This manifests itself in the form of prohibitions on communication, meetings, and contacts with other people.
► The tyrant exerts mental pressure, convincing him that the problem does not exist (gaslighting). He denies the injustice of his claims and blames the victim for everything.
► The aggressor manipulates the feelings and actions of another person, suppresses his will through blackmail, persuasion, and violence.
► This type of rapist tends to violate personal boundaries. If a “friend” allows himself too much, using your things without asking, borrowing money and demonstrating criticism under the guise of caring, he is an abuser. If a boss demands more than what is required by job descriptions and treats his subordinates with disdain, while unfairly reproaching them for not trying hard enough, he is also an emotional aggressor.
What is emotional, physical abuse in simple words?
What is abuse?
As we have already said, emotional abuse is a manifestation of violence. Most often it manifests itself unconsciously, but there are cases when a person understands everything and specifically manipulates his goal in order to get what he wants. At the same time, a person does not pay attention to other people’s feelings; they do not interest him. No, the abuser knows how to feel, because otherwise he would not be able to choose the weak points of his victims.
When the abuse is unconscious, it means that the person has certain mental disorders and he simply does not know how to build relationships differently, without using manipulation. It refers to:
- Mothers who are so worried about their child that they forbid everything
- Husbands who are jealous of their wives to the point of nervous exhaustion
- Too domineering fathers who try to control the entire family so much that they don’t even let them breathe without his control
As a rule, in such cases, a person strives to do everything as best as possible, but he does not understand that he is worsening the situation and destroying the emotional state of others. Regardless of the option, this is all violence, which is almost impossible to prove, much less bring to punishment. However, doing something about this is not only possible, but also necessary, because the consequences for one’s own psyche can be devastating.
By the way, sometimes physical abuse occurs. It manifests itself when a person begins to use force to make a partner more compliant. At the same time, he will never apologize. He will blame his victim for acting wrongly or saying the wrong thing, thereby provoking him to such actions. Although, he can use force without reason.
How to resist an abuser?
If you can break up with your boss or abusive friend by severing business and personal relationships, then the question of how to confront an abuser in the family is much more difficult to resolve. Especially if the victim depends on the aggressor financially, physically or morally, as is usually the case. In this case, advice from psychologists on how to behave with an abuser can help.
Let's look at a situation where an abuser has crept into your life, and how to resist his manipulations. Let me remind you, this could be a colleague, boss, friend, relative or lover. Suppose everything started out beautifully and you began to trust the person. But gradually they began to notice that communicating with him left an unpleasant aftertaste, and his “care” made you want to run away or hide in the darkest corner.
Something needs to be done, because if you leave everything as it is, you can live until your self-esteem disappears, and you will remain in the ruins of your own psyche. Let's first look at options on how to solve a problem with a toxic friend or boss; this is easier to do than understanding how to live with an abuser on whom you depend.
What to do with an aggressor friend who has crossed personal boundaries and become part of life? The hardest thing is to end this relationship, although this is the most correct option. Moreover, it is not necessary to do this categorically and demonstratively; you can restore personal boundaries and distance yourself. This is where character and willpower come in handy.
Such a friend needs to be kept at a distance: be able to answer “no” to requests in an orderly manner, not talk about your personal life, and speak directly about what you don’t like in your relationship with this friend. Sometimes the aggressor has become so entrenched in his influence that the only way to preserve his sanity is to break off any relationship with him.
To resist the aggressor in the form of a boss, there is an effective tool - documents. Documentary evidence that the boss is exceeding his job responsibilities can cool the ardor of the abuser. Attempts to hide or open confrontation do not lead to results; they only aggravate the situation, causing aggression from inadequate superiors. Patience and positivity are not an option either.
The more you try, the more pressure you will get. The only way to resolve the situation (with the exception of dismissal) is competent protection using modern means (dictaphone, camera, etc.). If you depend on the aggressor financially (and this usually happens), then try to stop attempts to manipulate yourself and build a wall of subordination and partial ignorance in the form of purely business relationships, supported by knowledge of the laws.
Abusive relationships in the family are a painful topic for many. Especially weaker people - old people, children, women - suffer from aggressors. At the same time, there is simply nowhere to go or it cannot be done for really serious reasons. Some simple tips can help save your psyche in this case:
- Think about yourself, who you are and what you need
- Analyze your feelings for your partner;
- Decide what you want, not what he wants;
- Try to find a way to communicate with someone other than your partner;
- Try to ignore your abuser;
- Don't look for excuses for his actions;
- Seek help from a specialist.
❗️Please remember that awareness of the problem is the first step to solving it.
