How to get rid of resentment towards your partner?

Touchiness is a personality quality that determines the tendency to notice offensive tendencies in everything, to experience the resulting feeling of resentment very strongly and even to spin it to inappropriately large proportions. Increased resentment is characteristic of those who are inclined not to forgive, but, on the contrary, to suffer from experiences associated most often with unjustified own expectations or ideas addressed to a significant object (touchiness, like resentment, is not applicable to those people who are indifferent).

Reasons for resentment

The primary source of an individual’s feelings of resentment is the discrepancy between the expected behavior and the actual behavior of the offender. In simple terms, resentment is the result of three operations taking place in our mind:

• creating specific expectations;
• observation of individual behavior;
• comparison of expected and actual results.

That is, often one person expects another to show sympathy and understanding, but in reality this does not happen. The reason for this is simple: the presence of misunderstandings. The problem with relationships between people is that each person is convinced that other people think in the same way as him.

But that's not true. Everyone has their own type of thinking and, as a result, a model of behavior. Some people know how to read another person's thoughts, while others prefer that they be expressed directly and clearly. Some people are selfish by nature, while others, on the contrary, are altruistic.

The offender and the offended are people who have their own shortcomings and weaknesses. Therefore, if a person is offended by someone, he should answer a simple question: “Did I offend someone myself?” In 99% of cases the answer will be positive. But a person may not even suspect that for someone he is an offender. In fact, he could hurt someone else with just one careless gesture, a word.

So where does the resentment come from? Of expectations that were not met. The situation is aggravated by the fact that it is difficult for a person to talk about his expectations. He simply wants the other individual to act to please him. As a result of such misunderstandings, inconsistent actions and misunderstandings appear, which leads to resentment.

There are several factors that provoke resentment:

• words and phrases;
• actions;
• gestures;
• views;
• actions;
• inaction.

Psychologists believe that 90% of grievances arise due to people’s inability to conduct a productive dialogue, in which it is possible to draw up an action plan by discussing the details. Another aggravating factor is the failure to resolve conflicts through peaceful negotiations rather than holding grudges for months or even years. Perhaps the offender himself does not suspect that he has offended someone. It’s easier to talk to him and find out the motives for his actions.

Incidents not deserving of forgiveness

You can easily forgive your husband’s minor sins, words spoken rashly, and absurd actions, but you cannot turn a blind eye to rudeness and insults addressed to you, since a girl must value and respect herself. Incidents that do not forgive:

1. Assault. Psychologists say that if you hit once, you will hit again. A man, feeling his physical strength, understands that communicating his point of view to his wife is much easier than spending hours explaining the motives for his actions. But this is done mainly by mentally weak individuals who are unable to conduct a constructive dialogue. Beating his wife over and over again, he takes pleasure in her humiliation, using increasingly sophisticated torture.
2. The husband abuses the children. He presents beating as an effective method of education, without which children will not grow up to be normal people. However, the mother is obliged to protect her children from all the offenders in the world, even if one of them is the natural father. If a woman is not indifferent to the fate of her children, then it is better to rid them of such a dad.
3. Insults in public. A spouse who likes to tell friends the details of his intimate life, without mincing words, publicly criticizes, offends and calls him names, does not deserve the love of his half. A woman who has not lost her self-esteem should say goodbye to such a man.

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If a man knows how to admit his mistakes and does not forget to apologize, then it makes sense to try to save the family. But if the incident is repeated a second time, a third time, then you should immediately pack your things and leave your ungrateful spouse. He won't change.

Why is resentment dangerous?

Many are convinced that forgiveness of offenses is not mandatory, since it will not make the offender feel any better or worse. But by letting go of anger, the offended person can improve his own situation. First of all, this concerns the state of health. After all, thoughts are material. And constantly replaying an unpleasant situation in your head with detailed recall of details leads to exhaustion of the body on a physical level, not to mention the suppression of the emotional state.

Stress occurs as a result of prolonged resentment. And, as you know, it is fraught with the occurrence of a large number of diseases:

• allergic reactions appear when there are difficulties in expressing a position, the inability to refuse;
• diseases of the ENT organs are formed due to the inability to cope with certain situations;
• problems with the gastrointestinal tract appear due to excessive irritability;
• headaches arise due to tension and pressure, fear, excessive self-criticism;
• diseases of the reproductive system appear when a woman refuses her femininity;
• excess weight comes when you try to protect yourself from the surrounding reality, escape into the world of illusions;
• liver pathologies are formed as a result of unspoken resentment and accumulated anger;
• cancerous tumors arise from an obsessive desire to take revenge for a mental wound received in the distant past;
• Cardiovascular diseases occur in the absence of a feeling of joy, love, and prolonged loneliness.

It is through all kinds of diseases that negative emotions come out of us. If you don't get rid of the negativity, health problems can haunt you constantly.

Ways to get rid of resentment

As a child, our parents taught us that there is no need to be offended and think about bad things. And this is correct, because the resentment accumulated inside becomes uncontrollable; on the contrary, it rather guides us. It is especially difficult for touchy people who, once offended, lose their zest for life.

First, you should familiarize yourself with the general recommendations:

1. Resentment is always destruction of the personality and body. There is nothing worse than feeding it with negative thoughts. Such emotions are destructive and cause a feeling of emptiness. They force you to live in the past, leaving no room for the present and future.
2. Motivation in the process of getting rid of grievances should be positive. You need to imagine what will happen if the offender is forgiven. The offended party will no longer depend on the negative actions of other people towards her, it will be possible to build trusting relationships in society, and there will be a feeling of harmony with oneself and the world around him, and happiness.
3. Even the smallest offense has the ability to grow like a snowball, which provokes the occurrence of serious diseases.
4. Resentment leads to deterioration of relationships and a thirst for revenge. Therefore, you need to get rid of it at the inception stage.
5. Even from the worst situations there are useful lessons to be learned. This gives us good experience and teaches us to become stronger, and also “tempers” our sense of humor and forms a positive attitude towards life.

Along with this, it is worth considering 5 specific recommendations that will allow you to avoid resentment and sadness:

1. If a person experiences a feeling of resentment, it is strictly not recommended to keep it inside himself. This leads to an accumulation of negativity. It’s better to talk to someone close to you. If there are no such people in your environment, you can “communicate” with an inanimate object. It is necessary to tell what exactly hurt and offended, what expectations were not realized in reality. This practice will allow you to express desires and feelings.
2. If you can’t speak out, there is embarrassment or other obstacles, you can do this in writing by writing a letter to the offender with a detailed story about your feelings and experiences. There is no need to give it to anyone, it is best to burn it.
3. Do not blame the offender for his actions or words. It is better to act not as an accuser, but as a friend, to talk about your emotions. This will allow the interlocutor not to resist, but, on the contrary, to rethink his behavior and change it for the better.
4. It is important to understand the motives of the offender’s actions. Perhaps he had no other choice. Or maybe he did it unconsciously (unconsciously). If you can’t understand him, you can bring him to a frank conversation that will clarify many details.
5. If the offense is so strong that it causes tears and indignation, you need to start breathing deeply, remember the offender and express words of forgiveness to him in your thoughts. After the third phrase “I forgive you,” there will be no resentment. There is no need to hold back your tears. They clear away negativity.
6. Read Colin Tipping's book Radical Forgiveness. She has helped thousands of people get rid of their worst grievances.

Women's touchiness

Speaking about touchiness and giving examples, most often it is the woman who is the main one taking offense. And indeed, due to its emotionality, the female psyche is capable of experiencing more emotions and their intensity than the male psyche. For women there is no minor thing; everything that concerns their life or imagination, their fantasies or expectations is important to them. Women most often give their grievances to their husbands, then to their children, and further in order of closeness. Those. The more important you are in her life, the more resentment will be shown in your direction. It would seem that the opposite is needed - to take care of loved ones, and to release a dissatisfied mood on passers-by, but this is not about mood, but about importance and unjustified hopes. If passers-by do not help her with heavy bags, then the woman is unlikely to notice at all, but if her husband does not react to this, then offense is inevitable. This is because nothing is expected from a passer-by, but one’s own relative is perceived as someone who will care and protect, and in these heavy bags the image of the caring person collapses.

Girls love to dream and plan, imagine both event options and the reactions of other people, and they really get used to such fantasies, experiencing true experiences, so a failed trip to Asia can cause resentment not because of commercialism, but because she has already flown there , and going back is like destroying happiness. Naturally, in addition to such self-emerging conditions, there is also a regulated part of resentment, when a woman deliberately demonstrates her dissatisfaction (whether it be emotional coldness, silence or a gloomy expression on her face). Such situations serve to adjust relationships in order to make it clear to others that what is happening is unacceptable and repetition is undesirable. Many people play such a game, seeing what wonderful results it brings: men who do not tolerate emotional pressure and tension created by resentment are ready for any feats, showered with gifts, the first to make peace when they are right and do many other things. But the program fails, and by being deliberately offended, in order to gain benefit, the woman creates psychological conditions for the man that are incompatible with the healthy survival of the psyche, and he does everything not out of love, but with the goal of stopping mental violence and getting rid of tyranny in relationships.

By showing offence, where your boundaries are and how you should not be treated, you build and regulate relationships towards comfortable and close ones. By manipulating resentment and thus obtaining praise and gifts for yourself, sharing it with a constant companion, you destroy the relationships and psyche of not only the other, but also your own.

Of course, women are more subject to emotions, but this does not turn off the mechanisms of self-regulation, and you should not place responsibility for your condition on others - this is a childish, infantile position. Adult behavior will be voicing your feelings and complaints, with the development of a further new way of interaction.

But it is worth noting that a woman’s choice of touchiness is determined by nature, because a purer reaction would be anger and aggression. Which the woman could not afford due to physical weakness. It is resentment that minimizes confrontation, but at the same time indicates dissatisfaction, helps to escape from open conflict, which helps preserve relationships and life. In the male version, resentment looks like anger, and this is logical, because if something happens that does not suit a man, then it concerns an external threat and here it is necessary to act, and from a position of strength, and besides, the man can afford it. The female territory is inside, where the family is, where there is no place for the manifestation of force, but the need for regulation remains, thus it turns out that resentment is aggression, but stopped and transformed by love.

How to get rid of childhood grievances?

The strongest and most serious grievances are those that we began to experience in childhood. To work them out, you need to do special exercises:

1. "Revenge". You need to take revenge not in real life, but in your own imagination. It is necessary to depict in detail the picture of punishment. The purpose of the exercise is to gain satisfaction from the process of forgiveness.
2. "Making a list of grievances." You need to write on the top of the sheet the name of the person who offended you, and below it write down all the negative emotions that his action caused.
3. "3 letters". The first letter is devoted to a description of the offense, or rather the action that led to this unpleasant feeling. The 2nd letter is drawn up the next day, indicating details that were not described in the 1st letter. The 3rd letter is written on the 3rd day and contains words of gratitude about the lesson completed and the experience gained.
4. "Forgiveness". You need to take a comfortable body position and loudly (alone with yourself) address the offender, saying that you forgive him, emphasizing his best character traits.

Find strength and cope with resentment towards your husband

In any situation, to work on a grudge, you need to try. Even if it’s not you, but your spouse, who is to blame. As you can see, any effective way to deal with resentment requires the participation of two. Only together will you establish effective interaction and build relationships that are correct and pleasant for both. Madame Georgette only has to invite you to watch a video of a psychologist who knows perfectly well what she is talking about. Deal with your resentment towards your husband and live in harmony.