Child psychology: older child annoys me
Category – Child Psychology
Question: Hello! Please help, in my opinion, we have a very serious problem with our eldest child. I don’t know where this came from, but the youngest child puts him at ease, the older one is quite the opposite, he does everything out of spite, he deliberately pulls at the younger one. He doesn’t know how to play himself - he needs exactly what the younger one plays with. Now he generally whines and freaks out about almost every reason.
As a punishment, I put him in a corner for 3 minutes (he is almost 4 years old), but he rips the bedding off the bed, throws it and smashes everything. I start to get even more excited, I start yelling at him...he then does something else bad (snarls or yells even louder)...In the end I lose my temper and start hitting him. He just infuriates me at this moment, and I start telling him that I shouldn’t have given birth to him, that I don’t need him, etc. I don’t know why I don’t have the same tenderness for him as I do for the younger one. I'm very ashamed of this. I can’t help it, the feeling of love is not born under duress... Maybe he feels it. Although I know that I love him, maybe not as much as the younger one, but I love him. But why, if he knows that it’s impossible, does he still do it and drives both me and dad into a frenzy.
I really want to live in peace with him. Tell me how to find a common language with him, how to stay calm and not break down, what to do with his disobedience, doing everything for evil, even if he knows that he will get into trouble? Maybe you can recommend something to read that describes exactly our problem?! Thank you very much in advance for your answer!
Inga Metreveli, psychologist-psychanalyst, specialist at the Psychoanalysis Studio, answers:
Good afternoon An important event occurred in the life of your family that affected the entire family structure and each of its members individually - the birth of a second child. As you yourself notice, your attitude towards your elder has also changed; he now causes more irritation. For your eldest child, this was also a shock; recently he, the little king, received all the attention and love, and now someone has appeared who is drawing this attention to himself.
Your child has chosen such a rather aggressive form to express to you his discomfort, his experiences in the changed situation. In response, he also receives aggression from you. Try to understand for yourself what exactly it is about your older child that makes you angry? Did it start with the birth of the youngest, or maybe earlier? And what is your husband’s reaction, has his attitude towards his eldest changed, has the eldest son’s attitude towards his father changed? With whom is the child calmer? Try to involve your husband in raising your elder, especially in terms of punishment (not physical, of course, from which you should completely abstain). And most importantly, try to talk to your child, play with him, simulating your family situation in the game. Believe me, your baby will be happy to find a way to express his feelings, perhaps his play and comments will speak for themselves. You voiced a request to recommend some literature to you. The situation you describe is probably related to the manifestation of childhood jealousy.
Useful links:
Child psychology: childhood jealousy - how to deal with it
Unjustified irritation towards an older child.
Hello Alexandra!
I can encourage you a little that there is already one important step for you - to understand and admit that irritation is about you.
You feel pain, guilt for your imperfect feeling of love (irritation) for your innocent child, but you have a great desire to change it, then everything will work out!
We will not change the child, we will try to analyze ourselves, only our perception of reality. Only your attitude towards the child. By changing ourselves, we will unconsciously change the child. This will happen automatically, because any child is a mirror of his parent (most often his mother).
Based on the lines of your letter, unfortunately, I cannot analyze what the story of your childhood was like. If you try, you can, within the development of your personality, find the block that stands between you and the child.
If you try to talk about your childhood, how you yourself lived your childhood, then, for example, the collision of his hyperactivity (from your letter) and your depression in childhood by a strong mother or grandmother or father, then there may be resentment towards your parents, there may be envy to your child and an incomplete understanding of the fact that being active, nimble, curious is the child’s nature, his very nature, and not a negative quality.
Perhaps you yourself grew up in childhood, where love was not openly shown, and you still feel like an unloved daughter.
Alternatively, in your childhood, there is experience of emotional or physical violence in the family, chronic trauma.
Then motherhood can be associated with a return to one's childhood, and therefore rejected, even if the child has already been born.
If you grew up with younger brothers and sisters and you had the role of “nanny”.
Suppressed anger, jealousy, and possibly disgust can awaken with the appearance of your own child.
I’m trying to briefly describe other factors that influence mom’s irritation.
Parental expectations. Already during pregnancy, parents make plans and dream about what their child will be like. And here the baby was born, and “functions” differently, in many ways does not correspond to parental expectations. Then you need to accept the child as he is. This is the strength. Unconditional acceptance.
Maybe it’s the embarrassment of his appearance, your idea of a good boy or girl (the personal idea of each of us and reality, which is much more diverse). Contrary to your ideas, your child is very good.
Displaced aggression. Here it is important to evaluate your relationship with your spouse. Do you have mutual love in your family, how desirable is this first child, how was your pregnancy?
Life changing. When a child appears, it is not only joy, but also new worries. Changing your usual lifestyle. In the light of new changes, the mother experiences dissatisfaction, helplessness, and the child is limited by previous possibilities.
Look back... Did you then, mentally, agree to accept pregnancy and childbirth?
Make a list of what you lost, and then what you gained now... and what changes bring you joy.
I think...there are many more reasons why... But everything is very individual.
I would like to add one more thing about the concept of such a feeling as irritation.
Irritation is a reaction to failure, your expectations were not met
Irritation is an insult, a breakdown, a crisis in one area of life that flows into another - this is a characteristic of displaced anger.
And I probably didn’t mention it above - this is a situation of system overload. Find time for yourself, at least 15-30 minutes. Sports are always good. All energy goes into active physical actions.
You need to figure out what situations make you angry, and what needs to be done so that irritability is not destructive for you. And gradually, build harmony in your inner world.
So, having dealt with the possible causes of irritability, let’s turn to the second question: how to manage your reaction and not get irritated? I will offer a simplified scheme, since this topic requires long hours of conversation with a psychologist or independent work on oneself.
1. Study those situations that cause you irritation. Trace the history of each situation and why it annoys you.
2. Find out more about the mechanism of irritation, read about it. Knowing how our emotions work helps a lot - we begin to understand their biological and psychological motives.
3. Come up with a metaphor-image for the state you get into when you get irritated. It could be a teapot, a volcano, a dragon, a concrete mixer - the one you turn into when this irritation takes over you. You don't want to be one, do you?
4. Try to catch the moment when irritation is just beginning to arise in you - then it will be easier to interrupt contact with the object, redirect the emotion or use other tactics - for example, breathing deeply
5. Avoid situations where your triggers (irritants) are triggered. I understand that it is easy to say and difficult to do, but try and change your approach to what irritates you.
6. Try to communicate with this one, with one, older child, offering him walks and a variety of games. You can correct your mistake in parenting by sincerely asking the child for forgiveness, naming your feelings when irritated, or explaining why they manifest themselves. You should not think that something else is too small to understand. The child must remember this moment, and in all likelihood, your behavior towards him will begin to gradually change.
7. The idea of hierarchy in the family. This is an old faithful custom inherent in the upbringing of our ancestors. What does hierarchy mean? This means the order of subordination of the lower to the higher.
Remember that irritability is not something that needs to be suppressed, but something that needs to be worked with.
Motherhood is not a one-time event. This is a whole stage of a woman’s life. It can have different difficulties from the very beginning. Love for a child is not something that is handed out in the maternity hospital with a squeaking lump. Sometimes this feeling must first be reached, through old wounds and carefully re-grow.
I hope you understand what I wanted to convey to you. And everything will be fine for you.
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Reasons for anger
It is necessary to understand why the child is annoying. May be behavior that is completely natural for a child. Analyze the surge of negative emotions and understand what you don’t like. This may have to be done several times. The limit of patience can also suddenly become a mess in the house.
- Feeling tired, health problems . Discomfort of this kind can cause not just irritation in a parent, but also aggression. You need to realize that your child is not to blame for the fact that you feel bad.
- Dissatisfaction with yourself . Every mother has to do a lot of things every day and remember a lot of little things. And if, due to her workload, something does not always go according to plan, then the child has nothing to do with it. To make managing your time easier, you can start a diary and write down your daily plan there, or install an application with similar functionality on your phone.
- Difficult to explain . If you repeat your instructions to your child several times, but he still does not perceive them, you should change your approach to solving this problem. It must be remembered that it is not always easy for children to understand the arguments that adults present to them.
- Hatred towards others . A conflict situation with friends, family members or other relatives can lead to a nervous state. When parents feel bad, they unconsciously take it out on the child. You should not take out negative emotions caused by another person on your children. This can subsequently lead to depression and an inferiority complex.
Tips for nervous moms
Discovering the reasons for yourself does not mean eliminating them.
- Oxygen mask for yourself and for children. The advice is to be able to pause things and stop on your own. It is necessary to restore your emotional state and help the child.
- Find time for your desires. Treat yourself to pleasant little things, take time for yourself, transferring childcare to other family members. Make your life more active, bright and rich.
- Don't focus on conventional wisdom. Don't demand too much from yourself. Perhaps, with the advent of a child, you have ceased to keep up with those things for which you previously had more time. Think about how to make your life easier.
- Refer to your memories. Your child's whims and tantrums may seem unreasonable to you. But if you remember yourself at the same age, your attitude towards your child’s problems will change.
- Don't strive for ideals. You don't have to seem like an ideal mother. Just listen to your child. This is the key to happiness.
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