A person who gets offended over trifles. Positive and negative manifestations of resentment

Description and mechanism of development of touchiness

Before we talk about resentment, let's understand what resentment is. It is inherent in absolutely all people, it has a range of shades. It manifests itself as grief, a reaction to trouble, insult, humiliation or persecution. But for some, it’s a spit in the soul, which can develop into blood feud.

Let's say the behavior of a loved one is not at all what you would like to see. This causes a feeling of annoyance - a lot of resentment towards him. Another option: you always treated your friend well, supported him in difficult times and did not consider this a cost of communication. And now you are in trouble, and he is on the sidelines. It is bitter to be disappointed in people, to lose faith in them, but, unfortunately, sometimes this happens in our lives.

About the roots of this unpleasant feeling. If resentment gnaws at the soul constantly and gives no peace, it becomes a character trait. Far from the best, which can be characterized as touchiness. Often a touchy person is vindictive because of the seemingly simplest everyday little things. Let's say a person had a fight, his anger is hidden and does not go away, he still dreams of taking revenge on his offender.

Touchiness as a character trait can be traced back to childhood. There is a logical explanation for this. A little person (boy or girl) is defenseless, so his resentment is a kind of defense mechanism. By screaming, crying, and stamping his feet, the baby often forces attention to himself and gets his way. Often a child deliberately manipulates this behavior in the confidence that it will force him to be taken into account.

And if parents indulge their child just to avoid his hysteria, over time he will grow into an “emotional” scoundrel. A selfish person who will build his adult life only on confrontation with others. A little something went wrong, and he already has a grudge: towards his loved ones, friends - towards the whole world. This is typical for both men and women. There is no big difference here, although women's touchiness has some of its own characteristics.

And this is no longer a defensive childish reaction, but a pathological character trait. In contrast to ordinary resentment, which can be a response to, say, unfulfilled expectations. For example, they look at their neighbor as a good friend, but he turns out to be a boor and a scoundrel. And disappointment sets in. However, time passes, the grief is forgotten. Life goes on.

In psychology there is such a thing as mental resentment. This is when a person is constantly offended by everyone. No matter what anyone tells him, he is all wrong. This is already a pathology of mental development that needs psychological correction.

It is important to know! Touchiness is an unpleasant character trait that grows out of childhood grievances. For some people, it may become dominant in life, which is evidence of a mental disorder.

What is resentment?

Human life is very multifaceted. And, of course, among these facets there is a place for troubles, because of which we are offended and sad. Fortunately, scientists have come up with techniques to stop being offended, and I want to introduce them to you in this article.

Let's first understand what resentment is. Among scientists there are several versions of defining the essence of this concept.

I personally agree with the opinion of psychoanalysts. I think that a person who often allows himself to be offended simply chooses for himself the convenient position of a victim, which everyone around him owes. I came to this conclusion only after working on myself. I used to be a very touchy person. Because of some trifle, I could not talk to my offender for years. One day I came across a very wise parable. I'll tell you briefly its essence.

How to learn to forgive? Recommendations from a psychologist

A parable about why it is worth getting rid of grievances

One day a wanderer came to a teacher and asked him to teach him to live without being offended by people. The teacher told the wanderer to hang a large bag on his shoulders, and every time he was offended by someone, put a potato in it. At the same time, the teacher especially noted that this package should always be carried with you. Several weeks passed, after which the wanderer returned to the teacher in bewilderment. He began to be indignant and say: “Teacher, this can no longer be tolerated! What advice did you give me? The bag is already too heavy, and the potatoes, which have begun to spoil, are starting to smell bad!” The sage looked at him and said: “That’s how you always feel in your soul because of your grievances. Now think about it, do you need this burden on your soul, which also prevents you from fully inhaling fresh air?” But this is really so! Why ruin your life and mood by harboring a grudge against someone, if it’s easier to let everything go and live joyfully.

Please note: despite the different opinions of experts regarding what resentment is, they all agree on one thing - it comes from childhood.

I have people around me who continue to behave like three-year-old children in a conflict situation. They don’t even listen to the complaint to the end, they immediately deny everything, pout and then don’t speak for a very long time. I hope that soon they will be more aware and begin to understand that feelings of resentment are only their problem, which only harms their mental health.

Who is susceptible to touchiness?

Both men and women are susceptible to touchiness.
As a result of research, psychologists have concluded that people with a developed right hemisphere of the brain (responsible for intuition and emotional state) are more touchy. But those who are used to thinking logically (left hemisphere) are not so angry. Different types of characters are also susceptible to such negative emotions in different ways. The people who are most indignant are melancholic people who have been experiencing their psychological trauma for a long time. And it can be inflicted by choleric people - explosive, often unbridled individuals in the manifestation of their feelings. Due to their tough character, resentment often develops into revenge. Phlegmatic and sanguine people are the least touchy; they are more resistant to various kinds of troubles and strive not to offend anyone.

Whatever the type of character, a person must be able to restrain his emotions. You shouldn’t throw them out on other people, but you shouldn’t keep them to yourself either. You must always behave calmly. This will save you from many troubles in life.

Infantile people are not taken seriously

Do adults pay much attention to children's tantrums? Just think, a child will scream and throw himself on the floor in a supermarket. To be seriously offended means to regress to infantile age. Stomping your feet and trying to manipulate like a child. This immature position rarely allows you to win a local conflict and certainly does not add positivity to relationships with people.

Your pain is not an indulgence for demands. “Bad” doesn’t give you any rights over other people. It is in vain to expect: “I will now dump my emotions on you, and you will change and become comfortable for me.” Perhaps the person will do something in response, but at the same time they will become angry and feel used. Or maybe he’ll just wonder why you’re angry. In his coordinate system everything is fine.

Therefore, remember the rule: emotions can and should be shown only when they have cooled down. No wonder they say that revenge is a dish that is served chilled.

The main causes of touchiness

The reasons for touchiness lie in the mental makeup of the individual.
For example, a husband found himself in a stressful situation due to a quarrel with his wife, or vice versa - she quarreled with her husband. If one of them has touchiness as a character trait, such a situation can ruin the relationship for a long time, even leading to divorce. And only a psychologist can help here. The causes of touchiness are different, and in a specific situation they can also manifest themselves in different ways, although in most cases a certain pattern can be traced. Let's take a closer look at all these factors:

• Infantilism
  . An adult resembles a child in his behavior. He is still offended just as he was in childhood, and cannot “stop” in any way. The reason for this behavior may be weakness of will. When it is easiest to hide behind resentment your inability or unwillingness to do what is required. He hides his weakness under the guise of resentment, saying, “Nobody understands me, everyone around me is bad.”
• Conscious resentment
  . Another person deliberately seems offended; for example, he frowns, is reluctant to talk, and with his whole appearance shows that he has been unfairly offended. This is actually a childish trick to achieve a favorable attitude towards oneself. It is often used by the female sex, hoping to “pout” to attract male attention.
• Vindictiveness
  . It develops when they cannot or do not want to forgive. Resentment blurs the eyes, grows until the “end of the world”, except for it, nothing is visible. Such anger often has a social background. All southern peoples are very touchy due to their Old Testament traditions. For them, touchiness has become a national character trait and manifests itself as bloody revenge.
• Unfulfilled hopes
  . Touchiness here can be momentary in nature, but it can also be “global,” that is, long-lasting. For example, a child was offended because dad promised to buy a smartphone, but gave him a cheap mobile phone. This is a simple grievance, and may soon be forgotten. But if a girl married a man on whom she had high hopes, but it turned out that she married “a goat who only drinks,” this is already a big insult and trauma associated with her inflated expectations.
• Stressful situation
  . When a person is in a difficult situation, let’s say depression sets in due to a quarrel with his wife (husband). Resentment and anger are not the best advisor here; this can lead to serious consequences in a relationship. A serious illness or physical disability or injury can also cause resentment. Such people feel that they are not given due attention. Sometimes envy of healthy people can become such a “touchy” factor.
• Betrayal of a loved one
  . Let’s say I believed him, but he didn’t help in a difficult situation. I didn’t borrow money when I asked him, although I could have easily.
• Suspicion
  . A suspicious person is touchy. He always doubts everything, and therefore does not trust anyone. When he is reproached for this, he can be offended for a long time.
• Introvert
  . When a person is immersed in his inner world, he can carry his resentment within himself for years, mentally playing out how he will be able to take revenge on his offender.
• Pride
  . Always the companion of touchiness. An arrogant person cannot even admit the thought that someone might say something bad about him. And if this happens, he gets offended.

It is important to know! All people are offended, but not all take their offense to anger and hatred, which often lead to criminal offenses.

Characteristics of resentment

Resentment is characterized by a powerful emotional charge. It always has consequences and negatively affects the dynamics of relationships with others. This is clearly seen from the phrases “I harbor a grudge,” “I’m offended to the point of tears,” “I can’t get over my grudge,” “I can’t see anything around because of the grudge,” “deadly grudge.”

Main characteristics of resentment:

⦁ Causes acute emotional pain. This is a defensive reaction to an action that a person considers unfair to himself.

⦁ Accompanied by a feeling of betrayal. The offended person often says: “I never expected this from you.”

⦁ Occurs against the background of betrayed trust or unjustified expectations. That is, I didn’t get what I expected: I wasn’t given it, I was deceived, I wasn’t characterized as positively as I would have liked, etc.

⦁ The actions of another are perceived as unfair. Based on the results of his own observations and comparisons with a similar situation among others: he was given more, the salary for similar work is higher, the mother loves the other child more, and so on. Moreover, this is not always true.

⦁ It lasts for a long time. In some cases, it remains relative to the object forever.

⦁ Can cause a break in relationships or their deterioration in the event of an unprocessed situation. Hidden resentment can destroy even long-term family ties. Regarding childhood experiences, an unprocessed feeling can result in a teenager’s aggressive behavior, reluctance to communicate with parents after reaching adulthood, and so on.

⦁ Directed inward. Often the offended person cannot frankly admit what he was offended by. Therefore, emotions remain deep inside, which makes a person even more unhappy.

⦁ Accompanied by a feeling of irreparability of what happened. This is especially typical for impressionable children: “Vovka called me names in front of my friends. The world has collapsed! I won't be able to communicate with them anymore."

⦁ Characterized by a state of narrowed consciousness. In a state of resentment, a person cannot objectively assess what is happening.

⦁ Affect. May provoke aggressive actions. Immediate or delayed.

You can only be offended by your loved ones. A person with whom there is no relationship or it is superficial cannot offend. A stranger can only insult. You need established connections, a certain approximate distance, a built-in system of expectations and a sufficient level of trust.

In some cases, strong resentment is accompanied by a loss of vital support, even to the point of a desire to die. The victim becomes depressed and experiences phenomena of loss of meaning in life, interests and desires. Apathy appears. Suicidal thoughts and aspirations arise.

A life-threatening situation arises when the offense is inflicted on a lonely person with few social connections; the offended - someone very close and significant, some complex basic expectations and hopes for the future were associated with him; the cause of the offense affects vital areas or aspects of the personality.

Signs of touchiness in a person

One of the main signs of touchiness should be considered anger.
Characterized by varying degrees of manifestation - indignation, irritation, indignation, anger, rage. But this does not always happen. It all depends on the type of personality, and therefore all manifestations of touchiness have certain personal characteristics. These include:

1. Change in complexion
   . From an insult, a melancholic person may turn pale and outwardly react weakly, but deep in the soul the insult blooms magnificently. The choleric person will blush and react violently: screaming, waving his fists, swearing, that is, he becomes aggressive. Someone is very worried, his hands are shaking, while others are as quiet as water. For some, blood pressure rises and spasms in the throat begin.
2. The intonation changes
   . A person can scream, swear (choleric) or swallow the insult in silence, that is, withdraw into himself (melancholic).
3. Vindictiveness
   . Often, touchiness turns into feelings such as anger and revenge, when resentment lurks deep in the soul and seeks its way out in the decision to take revenge on the offender at all costs.
4. Cunning
   . Touchiness can be hidden under the guise of goodwill, but in fact a person harbors evil thoughts towards the one who offended.
5. Irritation
   . Spills out on others. A touchy person blames everyone for his inconsistencies, because everyone is to blame for him - relatives, friends (if he has not lost them yet) and acquaintances.
6. Closedness
   . Often such people retreat into their resentment and become sullen towards others.
7. Disease
   . Chronic illness, injury or injury can cause increased resentment. It’s hard for a person, he understands his condition, he envies healthy people, and therefore he is offended by the whole world.
8. The desire for fame
   . If a person is vain, he is offended by everyone who did not appreciate him.
9. Arrogance, pride
   . People who consider themselves superior to others are easily offended by those who do not.

It is important to know! If a person is fixated on his touchiness, this is already a reason to turn to a psychologist to get rid of his addiction.

It's stupid to be offended by a person. What does it mean and where does this feeling come from?

First of all, resentment is negative emotions that poison the lives of many. Resentment arises as a result of what you consider to be an unfair treatment of you or the infliction of pain. Resentment entails other feelings:

• anger, irritation, anger, aggression, hostility and even hatred - towards the offender;
• a feeling of melancholy and loneliness, pity for oneself beloved.

Resentment can be mutual when close people quarreled and were offended by each other. But each of you experiences this feeling in your own way. And more often than not, both you and your opponent believe that you should not be the first to agree to a truce and apologize.

People with low self-esteem are most prone to constant grievances. They are very vulnerable and therefore very touchy. How to deal with this is described in the article “Increasing self-esteem and finding inner harmony”

The feeling of resentment comes from various sources, and certainly makes us worry and depress our state of mind. For example:

One person wants to play on the feelings of another. By being offended, he evokes pity for himself, thereby manipulating the feelings of another person. If this approach works repeatedly, the manipulation will continue until the person being manipulated gets tired of it.

Many of us have dreams. Some believe in them and call them prophetic, others do not pay attention, considering dreams to be tricks of our mind. But some people relate dreams and real life. As a result, a woman may be offended by her beloved man because she saw him in a dream with someone else. Stupid? Without a doubt. After all, dreams can show our fears, building a picture from the subconscious. Our article “Whether to Believe Dreams” contains very interesting information on this issue.

The habit of being offended can come from childhood, when the child was deprived of attention, if the parents could not afford to spoil the child, and so on. In this case, we will give you simple advice - quickly become an adult and get rid of this habit that is harmful and unpleasant for others.

How to get rid of resentment

Touchiness does not make a person beautiful. Such people are often prone to outbursts of rage, which can lead to the sad end of themselves or those towards whom the unbridled anger is directed. You need to be able to cope with your resentment on your own and know how to control it. If this happens, we can say about such a person that he is quite mature, the level of his psychological preparation is quite high. He solves his problems successfully.

Independent actions to combat resentment

Here are some tips on how to deal with resentment yourself:

• Learn to switch your attention
  . If you are offended, there is no need to blame others for everything. Just think, if this happens, it means that I myself am to blame for something. Maybe the reason lies in me. Don't get angry and try to figure everything out. Logic and intelligence will help you find the right solution. You will maintain your calm and not enter into a completely unnecessary conflict.
• Don't get into a fight
  . After listening to the attacks, do not get excited, but try to cool down the ardor of those who are attacking you, saying, for example, that such words are unpleasant to hear. Such a phrase, spoken calmly and kindly, will help settle a quarrel. Of course, if the person who started it feels remorse. In any case, pride, when there is no desire to listen to your opponent, but wants to send him to hell, is not the best adviser in a flared resentment.
• Know how to speak tactfully
  . Without rudeness or swearing. Even if a person is wrong, you should not tell him this in a rude manner or with a feeling of, say, such joy, like, I knew that it would be completely different, but you didn’t listen. Only a sense of tact will help defeat ill will and nip a quarrel in the bud.
• Don't even take mean jokes with offense
  . Know how to approach everything with a certain amount of humor. The offender will understand that you will not be “caught” and will leave you behind.

It is important to know! Touchiness is not the best advisor. Only the ability to carry on a conversation will help you forget about her.

Psychological methods of dealing with resentment

Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to cope with their irritation towards other people.
In this case, a psychologist will tell you how to get rid of touchiness. He will teach you how to deal with your problem. There are many different psychological techniques; which one to follow depends on the specialist. Gestalt therapy techniques are well suited. They focus on adjusting emotions, which Gestal therapists believe underlie human behavior. If you understand the cause of negative feelings, you can get rid of them, then your behavior will change. And this is already the key to victory over touchiness.

The technique of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is popular, although it does not have official status. Perceptions, beliefs and behavior determine our lives, if you change them, you can get rid of psychological trauma. For example, on a piece of paper you should write down the name of your offender and everything you have against him. Then burn this piece of paper. All your grievances will disappear along with the ashes. You can write him a letter on the computer without being embarrassed about your emotions. But you don’t need to beat and burn a smart car. This certainly won't make it any easier.

Another way: beat a pillow with your hands, or, if possible, a punching bag, and take out all your rage on them. This will give vent to all the resentment and anger. In Japan, some offices have installed a stuffed boss, and every clerk can beat him until exhaustion. This is how he gives vent to his aggression, because it is known that no one likes bosses. This purely psychological method is not accidental; it has been established that after such a release of “steam”, labor productivity increases significantly.

Another effective way to get rid of resentment is to start a “Journal of Resentment.” Draw it into four columns and write down your feelings in detail in each:

• "Resentment"
  . In what situation did she appear?
• "Expectations"
  . What was expected, say, from a partner, and what actually happened.
• "Analysis"
  . Why expectations turned out to be wrong, who is to blame for this, you or your partner.
• "Conclusions"
  . Based on the analysis, determine what the right thing to do is to change the situation for the better.

It is important to know! Resentment as a mental disorder is completely curable. You just have to really want it.

Medical solution to the problem of touchiness

When touchiness controls the life of an individual and fills his entire essence, this is already a pathology.
Such a person is dangerous to others. Resentment speaks in him, it develops into rage and the desire to take revenge at all costs, which becomes manic. This may end in suicide or murder of one's alleged offender. Such people are isolated from society and placed in a psychiatric hospital, where they can stay for a long time, sometimes even for life. They are prescribed psychotropic and sedative drugs to bring down manic psychosis and put them in order, calm the nervous system.

How to get rid of touchiness - watch the video:

Resentment is far from the best human feeling; it is unpleasant and causes a lot of trouble. If a person knows how to control his emotions, troubles do not knock him out of his usual rhythm of life. Self-control helps to “resolve” problems and helps you always remain calm and balanced in any situation. Everyone respects such a person. If touchiness causes serious concern, you need to get rid of it yourself or with the help of a psychologist. Even extremely emotional people can do this.

How to resolve conflict correctly

In a calm state, you consciously present a claim to the person for your violated feelings and cause the reaction you need - guilt for the pain caused to you. Then you agree on the consequences (for example, that he will do something, and also commit himself not to do something again). This is an example of an adult, normal interaction.

“Bad” is not a basis for demands and accusations. This is the basis for either a request or an offer.

Friends, husbands, wives, children, and loved ones must be informed about your painful experiences. But not in the format of attack and screaming. You don't want them to feel deceived and used.

A good way to express a grievance

Imagine that you are visiting with a friend. And during the conversation, your friend begins to tell you things that are not what you want to hear about you. You understand that you have no influence on another person. At the same time, you have the right to defend yourself by any convenient means.

You can inform your friend that you do not like this conversation. Or his behavior. You warn that next time if this happens again, you will leave.

The condition must be quite important, but preferably not painful for the person. If he again initiates a conversation that is unpleasant for you, get up and leave the room.

Next time, your friend will hold his tongue with all his hands and feet. Just so as not to remain a fool in such a situation.

Or, for example, a person always lets you down, promises to do something and doesn’t do it. You can't blame or demand. What to do?

Psychosomatics of the emergence of feelings of resentment

It is believed that resentment is an acquired feeling. An infant may be happy, angry, or upset immediately after birth, but he learns to be offended later. He adopts this form of behavior from his parents or other children aged 2-5 years. However, recent evidence suggests that children may experience this feeling even earlier. Practicing psychologists who observed their babies from birth recorded feelings of resentment in infants as well.

The psychosomatics of resentment are very broad. This feeling can kill or provoke a serious illness, including cancer or a heart attack.

The fact is that the aggressive component of resentment is most often directed inward and is very difficult to overcome. Aggression has a high intensity of experience. These are hormones. This is an excess of adrenaline that does not find a way out of the body and seethes inside a person, hitting weak points.

Men, unfortunately, are not as strong emotionally as women. It is more difficult for them to respond to their offense. They cannot pronounce it when chatting with their friends and suffer more. For example, a father invested all of himself in his daughter, and she disappointed him with her behavior. As a result, the irreparability of what happened provokes a heart attack or even cancer.

Women's health also depends heavily on mental well-being. During the examination, the gynecologist always asks if there are any conflicts with her husband. This is not idle curiosity. Conflicts and grievances against a loved one are postponed by cysts, fibroids, mastopathy and other gynecological problems.

Psychologists who study the connection between women’s grief and women’s health claim that women’s bitterness from communicating with loved ones is localized in certain places:

1. Breasts, uterus, cervix - grievances against the husband. Since these are the reproductive organs, they are the ones who absorb all the negative emotions of family life. Sometimes the result of unexpressed experiences, stress and problems in the family can be a diagnosis of “Infertility of unknown etiology.” That is, the feeling of resentment became so strongly strengthened in the girl’s mind that the body found a way out for itself by prohibiting having offspring in this relationship. Only a psychologist can help.

2. Left ovary - resentment towards the mother. Perhaps the reason here lies in the close connection between mother and daughter. We can also say that the heart is located on the left. Therefore, the feeling receives a response in this organ.

3. Right ovary - resentment against the father. It is here that the feeling of resentment towards the dearest man lurks, who is obliged to protect and support from the cradle.

The more offended a woman is, the greater the degree of damage to certain organs. In mild cases, this can be a quickly passing inflammation, in severe cases it can lead to surgical intervention. The situation becomes especially sad if mental pain is hidden from others, is not spoken out, or is even repressed into the subconscious.

At first glance, the main locus of feeling is directed inside the person. Resentment is associated with severe emotional pain, and it seems to us that this is its main essence. But a careful analysis shows that this is not entirely true.

The main components of the structure of feeling are anger and powerlessness. The latter arises because the event happened, and nothing can be changed. Anger is directed at the person who offended us. It is due to the fact that expectations were not met. For example, we give someone a gift and expect that person to be happy and actively use it. And in response there is indifference or even a negative assessment.

This is where resentment arises: powerlessness to change anything and anger. At the same time, we often do not have the opportunity to express it, since we will show our weakness or cross the boundaries of decency. Therefore, anger does not come out, but turns inward and seethes there for a short or long time.