Separation from parents in adulthood. Step-by-step instruction

Separation in psychology is defined by the long process of separation of children from their parents, which means the beginning of adult independent life. This phenomenon implies both physical separation, that is, living separately, and emotional distance from significant figures, that is, the child’s psychological isolation, the ability to make independent decisions.

It is very important to go through the separation period correctly in order to free yourself from the influence of your parents and be able to start your healthy family life.

Definition

The term "separation" comes from the Latin "separatio", which means distance. The process of separation can be demonstrated at the level of political history, where cases of regional separatism are not uncommon. Since the emergence of the first states, various communities of people have been striving to gain independence.

Ultimately, initially disunited peoples, having passed the path from the first tribes and feudal fragmentation, reactions and revolutions, become political nations. Ultimately, their unification was determined by the nature of economic activity - people will live together as long as it is economically beneficial for them.

For example, the city-states of Northern Italy, such as Genoa or Venice, did not even think about uniting into a single state for several centuries, although geographically they were located at the intersection of trade routes and had extremely fertile soils on their territory, which contributed to their prosperity independent from each other.

The institution of family, as a form of community of people, is subject to the same rules of economic efficiency. Millennia pass, but people also remain interested in living together both at the level of state entities and at the family level.

Even in the ancient clan community, the most terrible punishment for its member was not death, but expulsion from the community. But with the development of the family institution, the increase in the general level of well-being and progress, the strict need for the family, as a factor of survival, disappears.

Today, young people are more interested in independence from their parents than before. Thanks to accessible education and improved tools and technology, they can afford to become independent members of society at an early age. Thus, every person who has reached adulthood is faced with the acute question of separation from their parents.

This process is necessary for the normal development of independence, but often this need may not be obvious to parents, which can lead to severe psychological problems. Separation becomes a stumbling block for fathers and children. A severe psychological contradiction arises, the solution of which lies in the very fact of overcoming it.

Today, psychological separation is defined as the phenomenon of psychological separation of mutually significant subjects from each other, as a result of which a transformation of their relationships occurs, as well as the achievement of cognitive, emotional and functional independence by each of the participants in the separation.

Separation - how to understand it?

In psychology, separation is understood as a process when a child, growing up, gradually moves away from his parents until there is a complete “break” with them. This means that an adult son or daughter starts their own family and lives an independent life, becoming independent financially, and most importantly, psychologically. In this case, we can talk about a successful separation process.

From birth, the child is completely subordinate to his ancestors. For him, the main authority in life is his mother. She introduces him to life and gives guidelines for behavior in the family and society. At a young age, the child completely trusts his mother and father. But he’s already trying to do things his own way, and the answer is that he can’t do that, it’s very bad.

The child does not yet understand why this is not good; he believes in the authority of his elders. However, with age, he begins to realize that they are not always right, he shows his character, saying, I know better how to do it, I will do it this way, because I think it is right. But the mother or father is against it, and a conflict flares up in the family. The child remains unconvinced, but involuntarily resigns himself, since he is still entirely dependent on his parents.

Let's say a child is sulking because his mother does not allow him to go out with the neighbor's boy on the grounds that he has a bad family: his father drinks, constantly swears and beats his mother. And the child is interested in this boy. He does not want to understand why he is forbidden to communicate with him, he closes himself, and begins to move away from his ancestors. This is how the natural process of age separation begins.

And here a lot depends on the elders, so that alienation does not take an unnatural course, when scandals break out in the family, children begin to be distrustful of the words and actions of their parents. But since they are still financially and emotionally dependent on them, they are forced to obey. In especially severe cases, they cannot reconcile themselves and run away from home.

This often happens in adolescence, when the process of puberty begins (puberty). At this time, parental prohibitions quite often cause negative emotions, which leads to misunderstanding and difficult relationships in the family. It is at this age stage that the problem of “fathers and children” arises, which can end in a complete break in the relationship.

It is important to know! A crisis in relationships is often the cause of unsuccessful separation from parents, when parents and adult children not only disagree in their views, but categorically do not accept each other.

How to understand that there is no separation?

Psychologists identify several conditions through which one can understand that the separation process went wrong or did not take place at all.

Such conditions include:

the desire to prove one’s independence in relationships with other people. Otherwise, find an authoritarian figure who tells you what to do and how to do it;
frequent disappointment in people due to their failure to meet personal expectations;
promises to yourself not to act in life like your parents, but still repeat patterns and scenarios of behavior in relationships with others;
futile attempts to find yourself
life decisions are made under the influence of parental attitudes;
the desire to constantly seek the approval of others;
criticism is perceived as an insult that does not allow you to move forward and develop personally;
a feeling of personal powerlessness, due to which a person cannot move up the career ladder;
when achieving success in some business, a feeling arises that this work is hard labor, and the heights achieved are undeserved;
children's behavior in communication with friends, colleagues, superiors and loved ones; the person throws tantrums, gets offended and avoids adult conversation and solving the problem;
having a friend or acquaintance who “knows what’s best.” At the same time, a person can copy his behavior and often get offended when he does not pay due attention;
a constant desire in a romantic relationship for a partner to constantly talk about love and be there all the time. If, even for a serious reason, this is not possible, then the person begins to perceive this as a betrayal;
constant difficulties in your personal life (fear of dating, risk of not being liked by your partner, increased suspicion and wariness);
difficulty raising your own growing children. A person cannot give them independence and the ability to take responsibility in the same way that they did not receive it from their parents at one time.

Your interests

Sometimes parents' intentions are quite selfish. Separation of a child can bring a lot of grief into their lives, and by refusing it, they are only acting in their own interests. For example, a mother raised her son herself. Now he has grown up, it’s high time for him to start his own family and leave his parents’ nest. But for mom it will all end in loneliness.

Or, for example, very often, when children grow up, their parents separate. The entire union in such a family is based on one common goal - to raise a child. When this has already happened, it turns out that there has been no love between the parents for a long time. Many mothers understand this and do not want to let their children go.

Another rather selfish reason is an attempt to realize oneself or one’s dreams in a child. Let's say mom has a hard life. She gave birth to a daughter early, and her husband abandoned them when the child was still very small. Mom had to raise her daughter alone and work hard. She wants a different life for her child. Mom dreams that her daughter will graduate from university with the highest grades, find a prestigious job, buy an apartment, a car, and then just start looking for a groom. But what if the girl has a different opinion? Perhaps she will be able to marry better than her mother, or is she not at all interested in becoming a businesswoman? And it’s unlikely that mother’s dream will come true, because the daughter, who never went through the separation process, will not be able to realize herself. Throughout life, she will carry with her a huge baggage of complexes associated with her lack of independence and inability to make decisions in her own life.

Varieties

Separation in psychology is the separation of a child from his mother (or other parental figure) as an object of attachment. There are different types of separation that accompany the child from infancy.

After the stage of complete unity of mother and child, which begins with the perinatal period, when the child’s need for food is satisfied through the mother’s body in the form of feeding, biological separation begins. It assumes the ability of the child’s body to live without the mother’s body, which can be called the first step in their separation.

From the moment a child learns to walk and gains the ability to move without the help of parents and explore the world, motor separation begins. The absence of this type can only be observed with a pathological variant of the child’s development.

At primary school and preschool age, the child feels the need for communicative separation, when the opportunity arises to find a new circle of friends in the form of friends and future classmates.

During adolescence, the child feels the need to make independent decisions; At this age, cognitive separation occurs. In the future, the complete process of separation from the family is accompanied by gaining financial independence, moving, and creating one’s own family.

At this stage, social separation occurs, because the degree of autonomy and independence largely affects a person’s social status.

Types of psychological separation

At all stages of the psychological separation of children from their parents, there are nuances.
According to the degree of their predominance at a particular phase of a child’s growing up, four types of separation are distinguished. Each of them has its own characteristics. Types of psychological separation are as follows:

Sensual separation
. Relies on the emotions of the child (teenager). Children make their choices regardless of their parents' opinions. Emotions are not the best helper in solving your problems. If a judgment is made under the influence of feelings, there is a high probability that it will not be successful. Let's say a mother forbids her daughter to be friends with a neighbor's boy under the pretext that he has a bad family. It is quite possible that the parent is right, she has a lot of life experience, and knows what she is saying. But the girl resists such a ban and, to spite her mother, continues to communicate with the boy. On a sensual wave, she moves away from her mother, and this can lead to negative consequences. Let's say a guy smokes weed and introduces a girl to it. The result of such sensory separation is obvious.
Moral (value) separation
. More often appears in adolescence. Associated with the view of the world. When a teenager's judgment differs significantly from the parents' opinion. The son (daughter) openly defends his views and is not afraid to contradict his ancestors. Let’s say they don’t like that mom and dad live secluded lives and don’t invite their friends over. And they motivate this by the fact that everything is expensive these days, the cost of a table for guests will be high, it is better to spend this money on the family. Children believe that this kind of hoarding does not look good on adults; when they grow up, they will never become like that. This is one of the nuances of such value separation. Moving away from the views of their parents, teenagers acquire their own opinions.
Practical (functional) separation
. When the child is able to take care of himself. Regardless of whether parents are nearby or not. Let's say mother and father are at work, but there is no cooked food in the refrigerator. This does not bother the child; he cooks his own food and can even wash his clothes. Such a high degree of self-sufficiency indicates that the child is ready for independent life and is little dependent on his parents.
Separation that arises during disagreements
. When differences of opinion between children and parents lead to conflict in the family. And no one considers himself guilty. If one of the conflicting parties, say a mother or a child, develops a feeling of guilt, the quarrel is smoothed over, and there is no talk of breaking off the relationship. When such a feeling does not arise, the quarrel develops into hostility. If a teenager is not yet completely independent, he may leave the family in protest, but then returns (often cited by the police). An independent young man often completely breaks off relations with his parents. This is the disappointing result of conflict separation.

It is important to know! Psychological separation from parents is not a simple sequential change of stages in the child’s development, regulated by his psychophysical data. This process should be managed by parents. If they have not coped with this parental “burden,” they will face a joyless old age.

Conditions for successful separation

True independence is acquired by a person during late adolescence or early adulthood. At this stage, the relationship with the parent is being established, and the young man has two main types of goals - related to professional development and the sphere of interpersonal relationships, that is, with the formation of his own family.

For successful separation, it is necessary, first of all, for parents to accept this period. They will be faced with the task of abandoning the usual role of a parent and letting go of the child with whom they want to maintain constant contact.

Although most parents understand that separation is for the benefit of the child, problems with successful separation often arise due to strong maternal attachment. The mother is faced with the task of overcoming this situation and getting out of it with minimal losses, maintaining a psychological connection, emotional closeness, but reaching a new level of relationships.

For successful separation, both parents and children must rethink their relationships and reveal their personal resources. The main task, which can only be accomplished through joint efforts, is to move to a new partner level of interaction.

The separation process can be successfully carried out only if two conditions are met. The first consists of the physical separation of a person from his family, for example, moving to another city, to another place of residence. The second condition includes changing relationships, gaining inner independence and readiness to psychologically let go of dependence on parents.

Without the fulfillment of the second condition, the first will not be completed, since a relationship severed forcibly, for example, due to a conflict, does not imply the psychological liberation of a person. The optimal type of separation is the separation of a young man from his parents into an independent family while maintaining a positive emotional connection and harmonious relationships.

Difficulty factors in the process

Sometimes parents deliberately or unknowingly interfere with the separation process. This happens due to severe anxiety or excessive concern for one’s children. Unfortunately, such actions only cause harm to the individual.

Factors that influence separation include:

confluence (fusion) - mother and child respect each other and are in such a trusting relationship when the adult thinks that he knows everything about the desires of his child, and he, in turn, does not even try to defend his interests and views;
increased anxiety - parents worry about the life and well-being of their children, try to control them as much as possible, and children, feeling the anxiety of adults, cannot act independently and without their advice because of fear;
unfulfillment - if mom or dad have not achieved serious heights in their lives, then they will take care of children, feeling so successful and in demand;
uncertainty - parents who are not confident in themselves and their abilities transfer their feelings to their children and begin to doubt them: they criticize any actions and undertakings, warn against independence;
fear of disappointment - adults overly control all the actions of their child so that he achieves success and takes his position in society. In their opinion, he will stumble on his own or disappear.

If children have interests and are able to defend them on their own, then psychological separation from their parents has successfully taken place. This means that the young man is ready to build a career and serious relationships, start a family and raise children.

Main stages

Separation in psychology is a process that manifests itself throughout a person’s life.

There are several classifications of separation stages; one of the common ones includes:

Stage from birth to 1 year.
Crisis stage 3 years.
Teenage stage.
Stage of age 17-19 years.

From birth to 1 year

The period from birth to three months is considered by scientists as the period of complete fusion of the child with the mother. During this period, the child does not yet recognize himself as a separate person. The separation crisis grows towards the end of the infancy period (the one-year crisis), when the desires of the child himself come to the fore.

Crisis manifestations in children’s behavior during this period:

stubbornness;
refusal to obey adults;
special sensitivity to punishment;
intolerance to the words “no”, “impossible”;
inconsistency in behavior.

Crisis of 3 years

This crisis is associated with the highest separation activity.

Symptoms of the crisis:

desire for independence;
intolerant attitude towards adult guardianship;
an acute affective reaction to criticism from significant others;
urgent need for adult assessment.

Adolescence

Separation processes unfold in the social environment, through peers. This is a new stage of socialization, during which the teenager gains experience of autonomous interaction. During this period, the teenager strives for unity with his peers, since it is with them that he can realize himself as an individual, assert himself, and build a model of “adult” relationships.

On the one hand, there is a tendency to merge with others like oneself, on the other hand, there is a desire to emphasize one’s uniqueness and individuality. Ultimate integration is the birth of one's own uniqueness and at the same time determining one's place among others.

In psychoanalysis, adolescence is considered as a period of secondary separation-individuation of the child, the completion of which is separation from parents, the formation of one’s own identity and the integration of personal history.

Age 17-19 years

At the initial stage of this age, separation activity decreases. In youth, a person experiences an urgent need for parental love and care.

These specific transformations of relationships are determined by the social situation of development:

admission to secondary or higher educational institutions;
adaptation to new conditions;
the need to take responsibility for oneself;
increasing demands of the surrounding world on the student as an adult and independent person.

A teacher, a parent, a significant adult act in an important capacity as a mentor, a teacher who will help master a future profession and gain the experience of autonomous behavior. A subject position begins to form when a person at a young age strives to transform the internal and external space, to rebuild communication with parents and people around him on equal terms.

How to separate from parents as an adult

Separation in psychology is a difficult process that may not be fully completed in adolescence. Despite this, it is possible to become physically and emotionally independent as an adult.

For successful separation in adulthood, you need to make sure of your financial independence from your parents. It is advisable to live separately from them, pursue your professional career and have hobbies and interests.

When this level of separation is reached, the difficult stage of overcoming psychological dependence on parental figures begins. The most effective way to get through this stage is psychotherapy.

A specialist is able to help immerse oneself in child-parent relationships, let go of experienced traumas, forgive parents for all grievances and realize that at the moment the responsibility for life lies not with other significant figures, but with the person himself.

Having gone through a number of techniques with a psychotherapist aimed at gaining self-confidence and analyzing internal conflicts, you can quickly become psychologically independent from your parents and complete the separation process.

Separation techniques from parents

Separation in psychology is a complex process that can be completed independently by performing certain techniques:

Letters to a parent and forgiveness meditation. To perform the technique, you need to take a sheet of paper and write a letter to your mother, telling her everything about your feelings experienced during childhood and adolescence. Upon completion, you must write a response letter on behalf of the mother. The main thing is to relax, let go of the flow of thoughts and write what comes to mind. After completing the technique, you need to listen to the meditation, try to feel it and dive into yourself. After this, you must tear up or burn both letters.
Dealing with grievances. To perform the technique, you need to remember all the unpleasant moments associated with your parents and let them go. The best way to do this is with paper: write down all the grievances in detail and tear or burn the sheet.
Building your personal boundaries with parents in physical and psychological space. It is necessary to build personal space, explain to parents that certain behavior is unacceptable, and actively protect your space and privacy.
Gratitude. It is very important not to devalue parental work and those moments that provided certain experience and life skills. It is important to mentally thank your parents for everything and come to terms with past grievances and let them go.

For adult children - about late separation

They raised you for so long that you have already gotten used to the fact that mom and dad are nearby. Most of your peers probably started before you. They asked for help, made mistakes, tried things, and maybe even had children. You still have all this rigmarole to come.

Disadvantages of your late separation:

Admit it, but you have less strength than when you were 18-20.
Recognize and mourn while you have something to worry about - you have less of that “youthful enthusiasm” and idealization.
Admit it and bury it: your parents (or one parent) always had a Valuable Opinion for you. Now you will encounter either emptiness in this place, or a weak, barely audible Own Voice.

Admit it: it wasn't that bad. And it will be quite good. While your peers made “mistakes of youth”, girls changed their last names in the next “marriage” and gave birth to children who were “pinned” on their parents, you will be able to rely on yourself. And relying on yourself plus your brains is really cool.

What awaits you:

the alarming father and mother will call, demanding a report or attention;
every relative will have an opinion about what is best for you to do - you will have to find a really big fly swatter and brush it off;
sometimes you will be sad that you “wasted your time”, “started late”, “flew the nest” so late;
you will be poked and shaken by the heady air of freedom and at the same time flattened and goaded by the unsettled life and the need to be responsible for a bunch of things yourself.

Parting words for an adult child

They will call you back, but take it as a courtesy. Appreciate the fact that you are an independent unit - whenever that happens.
Your freedom is the greatest value: only from it do normal, human achievements grow (and not from the neurosis of “doing good for mom”).
You have the right to start living separately and with your own mind at any age. Don't give in to provocations. Many of those who did this before you lived (and live), as I call, “with props and crutches.” They are helped, and it is not surprising that the finances and strength of two parent families allow your peers to swim more cheerfully and confidently.

In general, late formal separation (with leaving the parental home), by 30 or after 30, by 35 or even later, is only one part of the path. External.

And many people cannot “get their mother out of their heads,” even after moving thousands of kilometers away from her, until old age.

We’ll talk about this side of separation from parents, when the main “mom” or “humiliating dad” has taken up residence in the head, another time.

Problems of phased separation

At each stage of separation, parents (especially the maternal figure) can make mistakes that will further interfere with the normal process of separation of the child.

The main problems of stage-by-stage separation:

Stages	Description, main problems
From 1.5 to 6 months	The child gives signals about what needs he has not been satisfied, and the mother selectively responds to them. As a result, the child begins to adapt to the mother’s ways of responding, using his innate characteristics and thereby showing primary personal qualities, his individuality. Thus, the mother, with her personal properties, influences the child already at the very initial stages of communication, their personalities are strongly intertwined, mutually doubled due to reflection in each other, and the child feels a strengthening of his identity. The better the mother fulfilled the role of a “supporting subject,” the easier it was for the child to go through the separation stage. In the absence of an active role of the mother or her inattention to the needs and individuality of the child, the process of further separation may be difficult.
From 9 to 15 months	The child begins to depend less on the mother biologically and motorically. The child begins to actively explore the world, which drowns out his constant need for the presence of his mother. In this case, the woman’s mistake may be the lack of encouragement for the child’s activity. It is necessary to understand that it is impossible to permanently maintain symbiosis.
From 16 to 24 months	The child begins to feel conflicting feelings towards his mother: the thirst for knowledge pulls him away from her, sometimes making him feel irritated, but the desire for reunification draws him to his mother, provoking negative emotions from separation. At the same time, the mother is also ambivalent about the situation: on the one hand, the child’s desire to become more independent, and on the other, persistent demands to share every aspect of his life with him. Difficulties in separation will arise if the mother begins to withdraw and react sharply to the child’s ambiguous behavior. The mother needs to remain emotionally available, but at the same time guide the child towards independent behavior.
Preschool age	The child learns to interact not only with parents, but also with peers, which is another stage in separation - the stage of communicative disconnection. It is important for parents to help their child learn new social roles and, if necessary, support him. It would be a mistake to prevent a child from entering into relationships with peers, since the degree of difficulty in establishing communication connections for the child in the future depends on this period.
Boyhood	This period is the most crisis period in relations with parents. At this stage, the teenager questions the rules and requirements established by the family and learns to critically perceive reality. The parents' mistake would be to devalue the child's views and aggressively impose their position. It is important to accept a teenager’s decisions and be able to find a compromise with him.

What are the consequences of late separation for parents and children?

So, the child has finally grown up. He moves out to live on his own. Leaves its native land under any “sauce”:

distribution in another city;
search for a better life;
marriage/marriage or living together with your significant other.

In any situation, there are two sides. One is the parental one (the “empty nest” phase, when time and attention that were given to the child are suddenly freed), the second is the “chick” itself.

Adult children who separate from their parents later than is customary (on average 20-25 years old) have their own nuances of going through the stage.

Parents who “kept” their “baby” until the “victorious end”, that is, until it became completely impossible to hold him (often this is an unconscious process; few people intentionally “tie” their children to themselves), have their own.

Consequences of incomplete separation

Separation is a common phenomenon due to which many adults cannot start an independent life and constantly look for support in others.

In psychology, there are signs that allow us to understand the consequences of incomplete separation:

inability to adequately perceive reality;
lack of acceptance of oneself (others, nature);
inability to behave simply and naturally;
constant feeling of detachment, need for solitude;
desire for autonomy, independence from culture and environment;
loss of activity;
lack of a fresh look at things;
inability to enjoy ordinary things;
tendency to discriminate;
lack of understanding of behavioral characteristics in interpersonal relationships;
lack of creativity and creativity;
inability to distinguish means from ends;
lack of internal moral standards;
loss of willingness to learn;
development of conformity;
unhealthy love relationships.

Examples and results of positive separation

According to many scientists, separation involves the physical separation of a child from his mother. However, in Russian realities the “housing issue” is particularly acute, and therefore the criterion of separate residence cannot be fundamental.

There are often cases when grown children live with their parents, but they themselves play the role of a person who provides for loved ones and takes responsibility for them. However, such growing up does not imply a loss of dependence on parents (psychological), therefore an important example of separation is physical distance from the family.

The second criterion for separation is financial independence. Despite living together, the ability to provide yourself with food, food, clothing and other necessary means is a big step towards gaining independence from your parents.

This example does not take into account the psychological characteristics of a person, since he can earn quite a lot, but be incompetent in the field of interpersonal relationships, and may not know how to make a responsible decision in his life without turning to a parent for help.

An example of separation can also be marriage. Then a person gains physical and material independence and begins to take responsibility for himself and his loved ones. But it happens when marriage is simply an “escape from the parental home,” when psychologically a person has not freed himself from codependency and unhealthy attachment and transfers all his problems to a new family.

The result of positive separation will be visible only when a person gains freedom from conflict in the parental relationship. In other cases, other manifestations of independence will not be of much importance in entering “adulthood.” A person cannot be called completely independent when he is emotionally oppressed by the need to end an imaginary argument with a parent.

In psychology, separation is defined as the process of a child moving away from his mother or other parental figure. A person can be considered personally mature only when this process has gone correctly and harmoniously, since along with getting rid of the “merger” with the parental figure, a true understanding of intimacy and the ability to care for another person comes to the person.

Step-by-step instructions for separation

Say goodbye to childhood

It is important to realize that it will no longer be possible to receive the missing love from your parents.

Childhood is over, and it's time to build your life. Now the grown and strengthened child is able to independently satisfy his needs.

Realize that parents still have an influence

Even when a person realizes the need for separation, the beliefs that parents imposed, their authority, continue to influence him.

Signs of dependence on parental influence:

If a child still has strong negative emotions towards his parents, he is still dependent on them. He is trying to get something from them, to prove that he is right.
The child cannot express his feelings and personal opinions in the presence of one or both parents.
The child’s inability to put the parent in his place also speaks about dependence. He always picks up the phone, even when they call him for the 10th time that day.
Adults meddle in personal relationships, trying to show how to act correctly, and condemn decisions made.
When a dependent child comes to share his achievements, he is criticized. After all, the child, according to the parent, is not capable of making the right choice.
Taking responsibility for your own parents is also an indicator of codependency. The child cannot be separated from them. They are a single organism.
A person cannot make independent decisions. Even after accepting them, he understands that if his parents put pressure on him, he will cave in.
Anxious parents may transfer their own fears onto their children. They limit his desires with various beliefs - living in another city is dangerous, after renting an apartment thieves will come, and people are just waiting for the moment to trip him up.
Negative influence from parents can manifest itself in the form of criticism, cursing, ridicule, waving, and even assault. For a long time, a person will have to learn to separate his beliefs from his parents’.

Track their manipulations
When a child comes to an elder with his personal decision, he is faced with criticism. If he still remains faithful to his decision, his parents begin to manipulate him, causing him to feel guilty.

An adult can get sick, swallow pills, cry, scream. They also demonstrate aggression, can swear, and lower self-esteem.

Because of this, a person in the position of a child begins to question the correctness of his decision, giving preference to the parental position. Subsequently, he loses his desires, dreams and himself.

It is important to track and identify such behavior patterns in order to be aware of them, and also learn to work with them.

Important! This behavior of elders does not even give a person a chance to try something new. Decide and understand what he wants. In the future, this leads to complete uncertainty in adulthood.

Give up unhealthy behavior patterns

A person who is accustomed to disrespectful behavior on the part of loved ones will perceive this as the norm on the part of strangers. He will constantly doubt his own decisions, because he has nothing to rely on.

First you need to build clear personal boundaries:

A person must determine and realize his life preferences and desires. Set goals that he wants to strive for. Determine personal boundaries, what is permissible for a person and what absolutely cannot be done with him, discussed, etc. If this is not done, then they will continue to manipulate him.
Afterwards, a person should learn to express his desires and boundaries. Other people don't read minds. For example, they may not realize that it is unpleasant for you to discuss your personal life, because many people like to gossip. Stop protecting the feelings of others, it’s important to say everything straight.
Realize that other people have the right to their feelings, and only they are responsible for them. Too much empathy leads to concern for others at the expense of oneself. Mature people make their own decisions about how to react to certain situations. If a person gets angry when you assert your boundaries, don't take it personally.
Say “no” when you want to say it. When a person says “no” to another, he says “yes” to himself.
Put yourself first. Truly caring for others and radiating positive energy is possible only in a full, resourceful state. Therefore, it is important to satisfy personal needs, fulfill your desires and go towards your goals.

Then you need to build personal supports based on your own feelings:

You need to learn to make small decisions based on your feelings and sensations. For example, when choosing clothes, food, jewelry, you do not need to call your parents and ask for their confirmation.
Every time you make decisions, you need to ask yourself: are these my desires, or are they imposed by the older generation? Who needs an office job - me or my mom?
Then the scale will increase. Ultimately, a person will be able to make vital decisions - where to live, what to do, etc.
After the freedom that has appeared, you will have to study yourself again, discover your favorite dishes, countries, hobbies, find out which people you like, etc.

Stop depending on the expectations of your elders

The elder always expects complete obedience. The child, in turn, can play this role in order to receive care and love. However, the parent will still remain dissatisfied and will continue to highlight his child’s weaknesses.

To stop the vicious circle, you need to understand that fulfilling parental demands is not necessary, and besides, it is pointless. The main thing is to live a happy life and satisfy your interests.

Important! The child perceives separation as a natural process and strives for it. The parent gets so used to being responsible for his child that he stops seeing the boy or girl as an adult.

Forgive them

The signal that separation has begun is the acceptance that parents are individuals who have made mistakes.

Afterwards, you need to mourn all the insults that they caused, and the fact that they were unable to provide the desired love and support. Then thank them for everything they have done.

Move to your territory

Moving is a direct way to prove to yourself your maturity and independence. This is a wonderful way to start adult life, because parents will never stop controlling their child, especially when he is in their field of vision.

After moving, a personal space appears in which you can express yourself and build a personal life schedule. There will be an urgent need for implementation, because you will have to get the money yourself.

Important! After moving, even parents will discover unexpected advantages - they will start spending money on themselves, they can go on a trip, and they will even start walking around naked in their own apartment and organize a second honeymoon.

Get rid of guilt

A child dependent on caregivers experiences a constant feeling of guilt for decisions made that do not coincide with their worldview.

However, you cannot follow these feelings and go back. The second time it will be much more difficult to break free from the influence of those who care for you.

Important! Parents will definitely begin to put pressure on the feeling of guilt and try to return the chick to the nest. You need to understand that this is how their psyche adapts to the new state of affairs. Time will pass and they will accept the new rules of the game.

Parents and children do not have to give each other all the emotions, resources and feelings in this world. Everyone can be themselves without suppressing the other side.

What happens if separation never happens?

More often, separation does not occur naturally, because the parent is in fusion with his child. He believes that the child is a part of him, and accordingly his views and life path will be the same.

One day, an adult child may discover that by the age of 30 he has not acquired a personal life and has achieved nothing. Such people may not have relationships with the opposite sex at all.

All decisions are agreed upon with the parents, personal problems are discussed with them, and violent quarrels occur. Parents replace the whole world when a person moves further and further from his own life.

Feelings experienced by a non-separated child:

He will be haunted by discomfort; he does not feel free.
There is a feeling that one of the elders is looming over him, even when they are not around. This is a common reason for the lack of personal life, because adults will not approve of such emancipation.
The feeling of control can manifest itself as an inner voice that constantly criticizes and monitors all actions. Even when there is a desire to do things their own way, a person still submits himself to this voice.
There is a general distrust of the world, because a person expects to be controlled and criticized.
There is constant tension and stiffness, the person expects that everyone will scold him. When he meets a person who behaves like his parents, he takes it for granted.
There is no desire to communicate with parents. The child is afraid of being laughed at and criticized. There is no respect at all in the dialogue; assessments of behavior are constantly put forward. Communication is always built on the role of a foolish child and an intelligent parent.
Subsequently, depression, frequent breakdowns on loved ones, and loss of self may begin.

Relationships in such a family are always very tense. When trying to step aside, a person encounters strong resistance. Parents begin to have hysterics, tears, heart problems appear, and manipulations begin.

Important! Often codependency between parents and children can manifest itself in role substitution. Parents play the role of helpless “children” when children are responsible and take care of them.

It is necessary to understand that a child who has not separated loses himself. He gives up his life. A person does not understand what he is capable of. This is even more alarming.

What will happen after separation

A person feels a strong surge of strength, feels omnipotent, because he gets rid of the restrictions and boundaries imposed by adults.

The world no longer seems hostile, there is a feeling of freedom. New hobbies and acquaintances appear. One of the key signals is the desire to communicate, the fear of people disappears. The power over life is in the hands of the person himself.

A person begins to make decisions, fulfill his desires, without feeling guilty for his decisions and views.

Communication with elders is built from the position of “adult” and “adult”. Such communication implies respect; each person treats the other’s life choices with understanding.

Each allows the other to live the way he wants. As a result, communication becomes sincere and brings pleasant emotions.