When a daughter is born, the mother sincerely hopes for a warm relationship with her. But the girl grows, her character, habits, and behavior are formed, and it often happens that she moves away from her family. If contact is not restored in time, family relationships can take on an extremely ugly hue. Without trust in her mother's advice, a girl risks making mistakes and ruining her destiny.
How to improve relationships with an adult daughter? Put yourself in her position and become her friend. When hostility and anger disappear between you, the girl will feel maternal love and support, she will be able to perceive the instructions differently. Give up harsh measures and pressure, and you will get results.
How to improve your relationship with your adult daughter
First of all, you need to realize that the child’s behavior is the result of your upbringing. It is not enough to just love him, you need to instill respect for elders from childhood, teach him discipline and work. At the same time, we must not forget about the needs of the child, please him, help, support, make his dreams and desires come true.
A family should be a team where everyone has their own responsibilities, a common goal and a solid shoulder to lean on. With such a relationship, neither the difficult teenage period, nor everyday problems or misfortunes are scary.
If harmonious and strong relationships have not developed since childhood, it will not be easy to establish them with an adult daughter. Still, it is easier to understand a small man than a big one. But you shouldn’t give up either. How can you improve your relationship with your teenage daughter?
- Ask your daughter what you have done or are doing that is not what she would like her mother to be. Silently listen to all the complaints and digest the information. Children themselves give hints to adults, but their own egoism prevents them from hearing and perceiving them.
- Ask for forgiveness if something is your fault.
- Start changing your relationship for the better. First, stop judging your daughter, quarreling with her and causing trouble. Still, such methods do not work.
- Start involving the girl in activities that are interesting to you and her. For example, sign up for a course in making sushi, cakes, or photography training. If your daughter rejects all ideas, do it yourself and then share the results. After a while, try again.
- Be interested in her life, hobbies, plans. Try not to make it seem like the goal is to control the situation. Show interest and participation, ask if your help or advice is needed.
We must strive with all our might to restore trust. It will happen, the relationship will gradually improve on its own. Take it to the next level – partnership. Be on the same page, it will bring a lot of pleasure to both daughter and mother.
The relationship with my teenage daughter has deteriorated.
Hello, Marina!
Your daughter is now at the very beginning of adolescence, which is accompanied not only by physical changes in the body, but also by serious psychological changes in human behavior. Many children during this period become different from themselves, show aggression, refuse to make contact with their parents, perceive any advice as restrictions, and refuse to take part in family life. If until this moment parents enjoyed authority, respect and love, now the main group with which they want to interact and with whom they want to be related are new friends and authorities outside the family (these can be teachers, idols, or simply people with whom they are considered an opinion). However, due to constant outbursts of anger and attempts to assert oneself, even with these groups, not everything goes smoothly, the teenager may often change friends, experience disappointments, be in different companies, drink alcohol and do everything that he has not done before, for example, coming home in the morning, go to concerts, disappear with friends. At the same time, the parents’ opinion, even if it is objectively correct (and the teenager understands this perfectly well), will be rejected. This is due to the fact that a new personality is being formed that wants to make decisions on its own and be independent.
You shouldn’t tell a child at this age that all his attempts to be independent are wrong and illusory. You can always be more flexible and become that person who inspires. This is the case when it is better to “overinstill” self-confidence than “under”, because usually these impressions remain with a person for life.
This period also determines how much your inner maturity will help you analyze your child’s behavior and understand exactly what need is behind each rebellion. I would not advise you to be offended or say words of accusation - this incites rebellion even more. They do not perceive criticism adequately, and even a carelessly spoken sentence, like “What are you doing to us?” can be perceived as “You are a bad daughter, you are torturing us a lot, and we want you not to exist,” so you have to really be be wary of what you say to her.
Remember that you are a kind of guide for the child in this world; you can even agree with her that you respect her decisions in exchange for her informing you. Yes, not all decisions really need to be respected, but it should be discussed before saying “No”, as teenagers are very sensitive to categorical restrictions. I also do not advise you to shout and put pressure on the teenager’s emotions at this time - this will cause the opposite effect, and she will want to run away from the current conflict into her “new world”, and you will simply lose contact.
Remember that all these “I’m not interested in you” are temporary. She will grow up and will certainly turn to you for advice, but this will happen after she herself decides what kind of relationship she has with the world, with herself, makes her first mistakes, experiences the first shocks and understands what family, responsibility, and stability are. This will not happen in the near future for the reasons described above. Indeed, there are very few teenagers who during this period have a stable relationship with their family, especially now, when freedom is promoted everywhere, all sorts of blogs about a free lifestyle, travel, a beautiful life are popular - there is a lot of information, there is a lot of things you want to try, understand, live .
I also ask you to pay attention to the fact that at least sometimes she tells you something. This is very valuable, many people don’t say it at all. Here I would advise you to be a subtle strategist and not show that you expect this from her. Just be there at the right moment, you don’t have to ask or have any expectations, you can give her the choice “Tell me if you want. You know, I always wonder how you are doing. But if you don't want to, I won't insist. When you want, you can tell me.” It can be done directly, or indirectly. The child must have a choice and confidence that, if something happens, the mother will listen and help, despite any behavior. There is even such a principle in psychology: it is very valuable to listen to a person and accept when he least deserves it. This way, you can really achieve trust. Whatever a child does at this age, it is always best that you know about it. To do this, you need to avoid shouting and accusations so that your daughter does not have the fear of a scandal. So that she knows that any information will be adequately perceived and discussed.
In addition, being a subtle strategist, you can become very interesting to her. It seems to me that we ourselves often do not realize when, being restless, wary, anxious, demanding attention, we become not very interesting for our children and, instead of being a support for them, we try to lean on them and feel for something there. And they run away because they have not yet formed, but they demand to be recognized. If you have some things that you are interested in (especially if she is interested in them too) and you do what you love, sooner or later the child will think, “After all, I have a very interesting mother, I shouldn’t have underestimated” and come come to you for advice when you are not expecting it.
Here it is very important not to get hung up and devote time to yourself, your personality, your hobbies, at the same time, to be unobtrusively present in your child’s life, to be such an invisible support that, from a mature position, is ready to help, discuss, talk rationally about the pros and cons of some actions and events, discuss conflicts and just silently be there when it is so necessary.
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What interferes with a harmonious relationship with an adult daughter?
All parents abuse their power over their children to one degree or another. The understanding that a child does not belong to the mother, that he is an individual, with his own desires and beliefs, often comes through painful experience. Some continue to hold a grudge against their daughters all their lives because they act contrary to their parents’ opinions or choose the wrong profession or husband. And such an attitude brings only one misfortune.
The main reasons for a bad mother-daughter relationship:
- parental selfishness;
- the desire to have undivided possession of your child;
- envy of youth and beauty, rivalry;
- overprotection;
- nervousness, constant stress.
It is difficult for any mother to realize that the child is growing up and separating. How can you understand that your daughter is ready for an independent life, that she does not overestimate her strength? How to protect her from mistakes? This burning question worries a loving heart so much that the woman begins to go too far: she strictly controls the girl, does not allow her to go out, weeds out the “wrong” friends, quarrels with boys, etc.
Feel the pressure
Moms always feel pressure to be role models. Any mother should teach her daughter to cook, relax, work and be a worthy person. But how not to make a mistake? As a result, mothers feel pressured and are simply afraid that they will not be able to do everything right.
Daughters should follow the example and not let them down. And even when they quarrel with their mothers, they need to maintain familiar relationships and make concessions. Also, any daughter wants her mother to be proud of her. But it is not always possible to find mutual understanding.
How mothers spoil their daughters
The only way to avoid spoiling your daughter is by raising her with your own, worthy example. Children always repeat after adults, absorbing both good and bad like sponges. Did the girl try alcohol? Ask yourself a question: isn’t it customary in your family to drink if you want to have fun or get together with a group of family and friends? Not tidying up your room? Do you always pack your things yourself?
We are all not perfect, and, alas, we cannot raise ideal children. Everyone is flawed in some way. But if there is humanity inside, love for family and love of family, all flaws become meaningless.
General traditions
Family is not just cohabitation and common life. It should give strength, and for this it is very important to know and honor your roots. Traditions strengthen family ties, answer the questions of who we are, what unites us, what is our contribution to society and the world. The daughter needs to be told who her ancestors are and how they lived. Typically, family traditions are passed down from generation to generation.
You can come up with completely new customs. For example, once a year, go on a trip or hike with the whole family, make dumplings with surprises every first Sunday (cookies with wishes), etc. It’s better to discuss the idea with your daughter; surely a young and flexible mind will come up with a lot of interesting options.
Manifestation of individuality
Sometimes it is very useful to remember yourself during your daughter’s years. Who, no matter how teenager, thinks that the whole world is at his feet. He wants to test his strength, achieve recognition and success. Help your daughter with this. Support her endeavors, even if at first glance they seem hopeless and crazy.
You cannot know in advance what this will lead to. For example, today it is fashionable to record various kinds of videos and post them on the Internet. Even if nonsense is filmed on it, but people watch it, the system pays money. Who knows, maybe such a hobby will bring significant income, or give experience, fame and push the girl to the profession of a TV presenter or journalist.
Psychologist's advice
“The one who first takes a step towards reconciliation and admits that he was wrong will be right,” says psychologist M. Sergeeva. – What is the use of arguing and defending your positions with your own daughter? Let her feel comfortable and calm next to you, and she will agree to meet you. Through confrontation and struggle, no one has yet managed to achieve mutual understanding and do good. Do everything with love"
Adolescent psychologists are unanimously confident that you need to show respect to children, and not just demand it towards yourself. Requests and instructions should not be made in a categorical manner. We need to look for a compromise in everything.
Many parents look forward to adolescence with horror, and live through it in the same horror. In fact, puberty only exposes problems that already exist in the family. Therefore, it is important to ask the question correctly. Not how I can improve my relationship with my teenage daughter, but how I can improve my relationship with my daughter in principle. Start with the foundation - trust and mutual respect. Stop raising an adult: your daughter has already absorbed all the good things you gave her. Let her express herself and just love.
Marina, Moscow
How to find a common language with your 16 year old son?
Question from Evgeniy
My son is 16, studying in the 11th grade, and it doesn’t seem bad, but something terrible is happening with his behavior. speaks rudely, is rude, uses inappropriate jokes. Every day, I resort to reminding him of his failures and mistakes, I break into a scream, another time I give him a slap on the head, but the problem does not go away, the child does not understand his responsibility to what is happening, he commits rash acts without realizing it, not to mention that that over the summer he broke 4 expensive mobile phones, and for him it’s all a trifle, because he didn’t buy them, he sent a gift from his grandmother (also a phone) to the “angels” in less than a month, without asking he takes my things like phones and so are the tools. I can’t figure out how to convey to him so that he doesn’t do this and behave this way. If you can advise me on something, I will be grateful to you. Dad.
Answer to the question
Hello, Evgeniy!
The age of sixteen falls in psychology at the beginning of adolescence. This period is characterized by a focus on results in the future, and interest in career guidance appears. The young man understands that the day is not far off when school will be left behind and he will have to choose his life direction and specialty.
However, if crisis phenomena were not overcome in adolescence or adolescence was prolonged, similar behavior may occur.
Education also plays an important role in this: if a child grows up as a “family idol”, the correct attitude towards things is not familiar to him - insisting on his responsibility is not productive. He simply won't hear you. In adolescence, parental authority is no longer something unshakable; the interests of the group become stronger. Young people want to assert themselves outside the home. New hobbies and a new circle of acquaintances appear.
Therefore, reminding him of his mistakes and blunders will not change the situation - he will go into confrontation. In order to communicate productively with him, it is important to be unobtrusively interested in him: what he does, what music he listens to, what he likes to watch, how he lives in general. Perhaps you have common interests.
It is important to show sincere interest in this. An excellent solution would be to establish unspoken family traditions, for example, going to the cinema together (“tell me, what’s showing in the cinema now?”), or simple evening dinners with the whole family. It is important that he sees you as a friend - a person who cares about him.
When the bonding stage comes to an end, you will see that your son will treat you with great respect. This is no longer an attitude of “who is in charge”, this is communication as equals.
Zinaida Minutina answered the question
Answer from the portal founder
Hello, Evgeniy. My name is Sergey, I am 30 years old, I am the founder of the psijournal.ru project.
I also want to answer your question, because the situation is close to me. It so happened that I turned out to be the wrong son for my father, I had a fight and since then I have not spoken to him for several years.
How I see your situation. The guy now has no examples or advice from his family in his life. And it probably wasn’t. Just a bunch of complexes, problems and fears of the unknown. Sexual development, professional definition, the need for independent decisions, which will then affect his future life, self-affirmation among his peers.
I believe that you did not prepare him for any of the problems. They didn’t give me any sex education, and they didn’t explain how to behave with girls in private.
They didn’t explain why they go to institutes and colleges, how they differ from each other, why people choose specific professions, what they become later, how they position themselves professionally, how much they earn later, they didn’t give real examples, you can’t help with the choice now, they didn’t can you advise.
To make independent decisions you need to make them yourself. This means on your own. Yes, this means without a kick from the outside and without any help at all. Did you teach him this? Did you encourage worthy independent decisions? Did you do this often? I think no. And don’t expect everything to work out for him right away. The first independent decisions are stupid. But they are independent. Comments on them must come months and years later. I repeat once again, you can comment on his decisions months and years later.
Self-affirmation among peers is an important activity among young people - it is important to be able to position yourself correctly and not follow the lead of the crowd. Did you teach him this? Hope so. Many fathers teach their sons this one way or another.
If you look from the outside, then you are an independent man who slaps, scolds, screams, reminds you of joints in order to manipulate and persuade a guy who is dependent on you to submit. I repeat once again - a man demands submission from the weaker and more dependent. Some BDSM games master-slave with son. Imagine that your boss, on whom you depend, starts shouting at you, slapping you, demanding you obey, constantly pointing out your mistakes, forcing you to obey and do everything as he tells you. How will you feel? If you are not a masochist, then it’s bad at least. And at the very least you want to hit him in the melon. Your son feels about the same thing towards you.
You either leave him alone, don't touch him. At all. Or start helping, start explaining solutions to complex life issues, giving examples from your life. But definitely give up these BDSM games for submission.
If you continue to tyrannize him, nothing good will come of it. Now you must give in to him, give him the opportunity to practice in independent roles. Yes, there will be mistakes. Sometimes serious. But everything will return to normal as soon as he starts working part-time and begins to understand how much, what and what he can earn, from whom and when to ask for help, to realize who he will become and who he can become.
PS You are no longer a dad, you are a father. Dad is an address to you, and father is an address to you, an address to an equal. If he doesn’t call you that yet, then ask him to start calling you that. And explain why. This will be a good start to your further communication.
And yes, don’t buy him a phone again. It is obvious. He’ll buy it for himself once he starts working part-time.
