TWO REASONS FOR LOW SELF-ACCEPTANCE
Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky
— When understanding our problems or the problems of another person, very often we are faced with the fact that a person lacks what is colloquially called “self-love.” Those. some kind of internal conflict. This is also called a lack of self-acceptance. Can you clarify what this is correctly called, or - if these are different concepts - how they differ?
There is a certain category of moralists, a little far from this topic, who say: why love yourself - this is selfishness. But still, when we understand, we understand that selfishness and self-love are two different things. How, in your opinion, is the difference between self-love and selfishness?
— Self-love is what is called self-acceptance. The better a person feels about himself, the better he feels about others. The more he accepts himself, the easier it is for him to accept other people and focus on them.
And selfishness is when it is difficult for a person to focus on other people.
Unfortunately, the word “selfishness” in our culture has a strongly evaluative character. It is believed that an egoist is a bad person. This is a very superficial judgment. A person is selfish not because he could, but because he does not want to focus on others. A person is selfish because he cannot take others into account. An egoist is a psychologically exhausted person. The internal resource of such a person is so devastated that the “egoist” involuntarily directs all efforts towards maintaining himself. His entire consciousness is pulled inward, directed egocentrically.
Self-love helps improve relationships with others, and selfishness is the absence of such relationships.
— Is an inferiority complex also a direct consequence of self-dislike?
— Here we need to agree on terms. An inferiority complex is not at all an idea of one’s limited capabilities. We see a lot of people who very modestly assess their capabilities, but at the same time do not give the impression of being complex. A person who says: “I suffer so much from my disorganization!”, or “I’ll never learn to drive a car in my life!”, does not seem at all problematic. On the contrary, he looks attractive.
What is an inferiority complex? This is a person’s idea not of his merits or demerits, but of what he deserves because of them, what he can expect for his achievements or failures. “Inferiority complex” means that a person expects (usually unconsciously) an evaluative attitude towards himself. You did it, you achieved it - you’re good, well done. Didn't do it, made a mistake - bad. A person with an inferiority complex is afraid of his shortcomings, afraid to admit them (even to himself), because he feels that it would be right for him to be judged, ridiculed, not counted, not included in the lists, omitted - in general, ostracized in any form.
An inferiority complex is negative self-acceptance.
- What is the reason for not loving yourself?
— I would say that there are two reasons for not loving yourself. The first, both in importance and in chronology, is the one that develops in childhood, when there is not yet and cannot be any love or dislike for oneself. This is the love or dislike of parents for their child.
In fact, all mentally intact parents love their children. But a child’s love or dislike for himself is not influenced by our parents’ inner spiritual kitchen, which is invisible to anyone, not by our deepest feelings. The child’s self-acceptance is affected by what the parents “get out of it.” And when a child sees that they are scolding him, that they are dissatisfied with him, that they do not sympathize with him, he inevitably takes it all personally. He develops the feeling that he deserves it all. This is negative self-acceptance. You and I understand that we love the child, and that is why we worry about him. But he can’t see it at this moment. Let us remember ourselves as children: when we were scolded, when we were dissatisfied, we felt that we were not loved, and - what is most important - that they did not love us correctly.
On a conscious level, a child can be offended, snap back, laugh it off, but on a deeper, unconscious level, he quickly gets used to the fact that he and his experiences do not deserve real acceptance.
This first reason for decreased self-acceptance, the source of self-dislike, persists and works for us throughout life, because a person at any age remains the child of his parent. Even when parents are no longer in the world.
Starting from adolescence (from adolescence), a second source is added, which powerfully influences our self-acceptance. The psyche is structured in such a way that people treat others and themselves equally. At the dawn of life, when a baby is not yet different from a baby animal (kitten, puppy, monkey), in his psyche there is still no “I” and attitude towards himself, but there is only “they”, those around him, and attitude towards them. Attitudes towards others with a minus or plus sign are formed according to an obvious simple mechanism. “Good” individuals are those who are kind to me, do good to me, feed me, stroke me, comfort me, take me in their arms, give me shiny and tasty things that I reach for.
It is clear to which individuals an attitude with a minus sign develops.
Later, as the “I” forms, our psyche evaluates it according to exactly the same criteria. We love or dislike ourselves for exactly the same reason that we love or dislike those around us - for our social face, our social image. And when this image is similar to the image that I condemn from someone else, the “I” is also condemned by my psyche, regarded with a minus sign.
— What is a social image?
— Social image is what I am in relation to people. How friendly or indifferent I am, tolerant or critical.
Since I perceive with a plus sign only those people who are friendly, sympathetic, tolerant towards me, and not critical and edifying, then I myself am perceived by my psyche with a plus sign only if I manifest myself in the same way. If I manifest myself negatively, critically, edifyingly, protestingly - whatever the reasons, no matter how logical I am in my edifyingness, autoimmune aggression and non-acceptance of myself inevitably develop. When someone yells at me, when someone scolds me, punishes me, deprives me, ridicules me, my psyche does not understand whether he is right or wrong, she instantly rejects him: I don’t want this, I don’t love this person. And my psyche treats me in the same rejecting way.
At the same time, those around me can treat my aggression quite acceptingly, even sympathetically, understanding that I am not bad, but I feel bad. But it won't save me. A person who yells at others does not love himself, even if those around him react to this with understanding and acceptance.
— Nowadays there are a lot of trainings to improve self-esteem. How is increasing self-esteem different from increasing self-acceptance?
— In general, this is a question of terminology. I don’t know all the trainings in the world, maybe there are some among them that are in tune with what we are talking about, but most of the trainings I know about to increase self-esteem are purely technical in nature. Those. they aim to develop a person's positive view of his or her capabilities. Stand in front of the mirror and say: “I can, I can, I can... I am successful. I'm confident. I will definitely succeed." In my opinion, these are superficial technical efforts that do not deeply and lastingly change our true self-confidence, our resilience, our self-acceptance.
— Is non-acceptance of oneself necessarily associated with low self-esteem? Those. Does low self-acceptance lead to low self-esteem?
“Then we need to define what we call self-esteem and what we call self-acceptance.” The following terminology is familiar to me: self-esteem is a person’s idea of his strengths and weaknesses; about what I can/can’t do, about what I can count on and what I can’t. Self-acceptance is not about thinking about my strengths and weaknesses, but about what I deserve for them.
We can talk about this alternative: positive and negative self-acceptance. Similar to high and low self-esteem. Negative self-acceptance is the feeling that I deserve to be judged and punished for my wrongdoings. Positive self-acceptance is the feeling that, due to exactly the same misdeeds and shortcomings, I deserve sympathy.
- So, I have the right to conclude that our self-esteem also does not depend on self-acceptance, and a person with low self-acceptance can have very high self-esteem.
- Yes, in this terminology, according to these definitions - yes, of course. A person can be sure that he is a brilliant chess player and world champion, and at the same time suffer from self-dislike.
- And now, if we move on to how you can actually solve the problem of self-acceptance and self-love. We've talked to different people about this topic, and there are two conceptually different approaches. One approach is that you need to accept yourself no matter what. And the second approach is to understand: what you don’t accept yourself for, and change it in yourself.
Is it possible to accept yourself while remaining a scoundrel? Let's say you are some not very good person. Can you accept yourself despite this? Is this theoretically possible? Or do you need to change, become better, and then you can accept yourself fully?
— The answer follows from what was said above. Positive self-acceptance is a fundamental attitude towards my shortcomings as something that I did not choose for myself, for which I am not to blame. This is my problem, my problem, but not my fault.
— Are there qualities with which you can never fully accept yourself?
- No.
- Now the most important question: what do you need to do to accept yourself? What can a person do?
— The clue lies in understanding the history of the problem. So we said that there are two main reasons, two factors that influence our self-acceptance - this is the relationship with our parents and our socialization. It is in these two places that we need to treat.
The first question: when, in what case should it be treated? When a person notices that he is very dissatisfied with something: his internal plan, his state, mood, his relationship with people and with life; when he notices that he is overly irritable or overly self-confident, or changes sexual partners very often, or mechanically does something he doesn’t like. In general, when you are not happy with some important things in life.
— Is guilt also one of the signs of negative self-acceptance?
- Yes. But guilt is a clear indicator. But the rest of the indicators that I listed are not often perceived as an indication that something is wrong with me. When a person doesn’t like his job, or his husband, wife, or anything else, he is very tempted to look for problems outside. Instead, it is worth understanding that these specific everyday troubles were led to by some of our own internal difficulties, which we are afraid to recognize in ourselves and therefore cannot cope with them. This fear is called low self-acceptance. We need to increase self-acceptance in the two most important areas that we have described.
— How to treat relationships with parents?
— This has already been covered in detail in our conversation “Adopting Parents,” but it can be repeated in a condensed form. The logic is this: lack of self-confidence, fear of responsibility, fear that I will be caught, that I will be scolded, that I will be ridiculed - it has been with us since childhood, like any fear. The life experience that shaped this fear in us in childhood turns out to be a most regrettable misunderstanding. When the child’s parents scolded him, the child naturally believed that this is how relationships work, this is how life works. If I was late, if I broke something, lied, got a bad grade, of course they would scold me. How could it be otherwise?
Maybe! This is easy to understand by imagining that if our parents at the same moment - with the same offense of ours, with the same deuce, with the same broken cup, were simply in a much better mood, they would obviously react to the same episode much more good-natured and tolerant.
And then - as mathematicians would say - direct this thought to the limit, and you will get the following picture: if the parents were in very good condition, they would react to this as understandingly as possible.
This means that it turns out that all the parental negativity, all the parental edification, the criticism from which we suffered in childhood were a manifestation only of their condition, and not of our guilt, not of their attitude towards us, not of how relationships between people generally work.
Now, if you really take this into your head, if you really understand about your parents, that it turns out that it was bad for them, and not they are bad, and we are not bad, then self-acceptance increases powerfully. Our psyche ceases to take parental negativity personally.
To truly understand this about your parents means to practice this understanding actively, and not just mentally. We need to behave towards them in the same way as we behave towards people whose discomfort is obvious to us, who feel very badly, and who have it written all over their faces. How do we behave towards such people? We begin to support them, console them, take care of them, and participate in their circumstances. This entire set of measures should be directed at parents. In psychology this is called “adopting parents.” If you do this for quite a long time, there is no need to create illusions - self-acceptance increases greatly.
- Thank you. What to do with the second factor - your social image?
- What is important here is the measure of our goodwill in everyday life - how friendly and sympathetic I am towards others. We must remember that our psyche counts only those manifestations of us that are difficult as such goodwill. When we are kind in response to another person's kindness, that is barter. It’s very easy, so it doesn’t tonify our psyche. And it’s tonic when we take out the neighbor’s trash, for example, from the landing, although the neighbor defiantly puts it there and doesn’t think about what will happen next; when we are sincerely polite to someone who talks to us dryly, “over the shoulder.”
What can you internally rely on here so as not to feel like you’re fawning, “bowed in”? For a correct understanding of the reasons for this dryness, this neglect. This is only a manifestation of our partners’ lack of self-confidence, this is their fear of giving in, fear of appearing weak.
If you yourself are afraid of appearing weak and are afraid of giving in, and you are so traumatized by these manifestations of your neighbor that you are unable to respond to them asymmetrically, you have the right to your weaknesses, you have the right to your indifference. But just don’t expect that your psyche will be in good shape.
“It turns out that you won’t be able to love yourself while sitting on the couch through mental effort.” Actions are needed - actions are needed in relation to parents, and rather long-term ones, and in relation to other people.
- Absolutely right. The structure of the psyche is determined by the structure of activity.
“Many people who suffer from lack of self-acceptance consciously or unconsciously hope that the love of some person, or perhaps the attention of a group of people, will help them feel better about themselves. Someone goes into show business so that everyone will love him. And someone is looking for one person of the opposite sex, hoping that his love will overcome everything - this whole childhood is difficult - and in this way I can love myself. How justified are these hopes?
- Yes, these are very common hopes, but, unfortunately, completely illusory. A person loves or does not love, first of all, himself in relationships with others. I repeat: if he is not sympathetic enough, then no amount of participation in him from those around him will lift him up.
“A person hopes that the high appreciation of others will help him. He achieves great success in some business, and everyone respects him for this success. He still has his problems, right?
— You can say yes, but this would be a slightly sketchy answer. Because if a person achieves some kind of success that has a public resonance, it means that this activity has some kind of meaningful part - he did something that is important and good for people. And this will naturally increase his self-acceptance.
And the pleasure of other people's praise is a drug. It makes you feel good, but only for a while, and then you need a new dose, an even larger one.
— What should a partner do for a person who doesn’t like himself? Someone either fell in love with such a person, or had already started a family with him, and realized that the second person had the same problem - a lack of self-acceptance. Can he help him somehow, other than advice?
- Yes. Advice is the last thing that can help. And first of all, here's what. Reduced self-acceptance is the habitual expectation that if I honestly tell you everything - how I screwed up today, how I was late somewhere, let someone down, lost the keys to my apartment, spent half the night on the Internet... - in general, If I honestly talk about my shortcomings, then, naturally, you will judge me, at least silently.
The self-acceptance of such a person increases only through the formation of new life experiences, when he is faced with the fact that in response to all these confessions he is not condemned.
— That is, give him the acceptance that his parents did not give him.
- Absolutely right. And for this we need to remember that the alternative to condemnation is sympathy, when a person can tell everything about himself and be met only with sincere empathy: “I understand how sick of this you are,” “I understand how nervous you were,” “I can imagine how scared you were.” "...
© Pobedish.ru
AT THE ORIGINS OF OUR PROBLEMS
John Powell
Undoubtedly, all this begins in the most important period in the life of every person, which is the first two years. A child is born into this world as a being constantly asking about himself: “Who am I? Am I of any value? What is life? Who should I be and what should I do?
The answers start coming in immediately. If a child is surrounded by constant care and attention, if they hug him, kiss him, sing lullabies, smile, if he constantly feels warmth around him, then all this will mean that he receives optimistic, cheerful answers to his questions. These answers penetrate into the very soul of the child and are written there in indelible ink. He gradually begins to realize what he needs most: “I am loved! I don't have to do anything other than just be myself, I don't have to be anyone else but myself! I matter in my own right, I am loved and valued for who I am!”
However, if his parents, especially the mother with whom the baby is most closely connected, are unable or unwilling to show love and tenderness to the child, if they remain cold or irritable because of the need to get up to the baby in the middle of the night, if they lose patience because of the inconveniences associated with the baby, the child will absorb this parental behavior in his own special way, characteristic of him.
Non-verbal, non-speech signals indicating parental irritation, displeasure and even anger will be forever “recorded” in the human essence of the child. Somehow the child feels that he is the one causing the negative reactions. And not only are all these signals “recorded” in him, but also his own emotional response to them: doubts, anxiety, anxiety. They will be reproduced in him again and again throughout the rest of his life.
Later, when the child begins to talk and listen, his impressions of himself and his worth will deepen through speech. If a child hears warm, tender words: “My dear... My beloved... Nice boy... Sweet girl...”, etc., he will learn from this that he is good, that he is loved. He will develop a sense of self-worth, a sense of security, confidence, which in his future life will manifest itself in the form of openness and friendliness towards others. He will also expect warmth and love from other people and will tend to treat people with trust and openness.
We all receive certain signals from the outside. We have all been offered and are offered this or that love, this or that sympathy, but this is almost always “conditional” love. A child, even one who has barely begun to speak, can immediately easily distinguish certain conditions set for him by parental love: “If you sit quietly... If you eat porridge... If you don’t scatter toys... If you are obedient, like your brother (sister)...", etc. d. Growing up, the child hears new conditions for receiving love from his parents: “If you help around the house... If you don’t get dirty... If you finish school well...”, etc. The essence always remains the same, although the conditions put forward may change. All this is the “price of recognition”, “payment for love”, and you must pay it. Your value is not in yourself, but in something else - in your appearance, in your actions, in your success, in your actions that are expected of you.
Parents use a variety of levers for this purpose: a smile or a frown, warmth or coldness, words or silence, etc. Today we call all these techniques “behavior modification.” Desired behavior is achieved by offering rewards for success or punishment for failure. The cost that this kind of attitude demands from a child can be catastrophic for his “self-image” and his self-love. A child who must learn his lessons under the constant threat that otherwise he will not be loved may eventually come to the conclusion that his only merit and his only virtue lies in his ability to fulfill the demands and desires of other people. In no case does he live for himself, but only for others.
The usual demands of parental love are concentration, cooperation, submission, being like someone else, always doing your best, being successful, working hard, not causing trouble, bringing honor to your family so that your parents can be proud of you, etc. .P. Of course, when all these conditions are put together, it becomes clear that this is too much. Under such circumstances, anyone will fail, and because of this failure will be deprived of love. After all, failure means you were unable to pay the required fee to be admitted as a loved one. This, of course, leads to conscious or unconscious self-hatred. This self-hatred is the beginning of sadness and a self-destructive lifestyle. Erich Fromm in his book “The Art of Love” writes:
“Being loved for some merit because you “deserve” love always leaves room for doubt. What if the one from whom I expect love does not like this or that about me? There is always a fear that love may suddenly evaporate. Moreover, “deserved” love always carries a taste of bitterness, that it is not me who is loved in me, that I am loved only because I give pleasure, that, in the end, I am not loved at all, but only used”...
Each of us has our own unique unconditional value. Each of us is a mysterious and unique being, unique in the entire history of mankind, being at the same time created in the image and likeness of God. But we learn about ourselves only by the reflection that we see in the eyes of other people. Therefore, the cornerstone of our self-acceptance is a gift that we receive mainly from our parents. However, sometimes we learn from them - and we all have to learn this to one degree or another - that their love for us is conditional, that it is addressed to us only when we meet the requirements placed on us, and that as soon as We do not fulfill these requirements, then we are deprived of their love; therefore, their love is not caused by what I represent in myself, but is caused by some of my behavior. In this case, we may come to the conclusion that our dignity and our worth lie somewhere outside of ourselves. There is no room for genuine self-love, positive self-esteem, self-acceptance, no room for celebration.
When the dignity created by love becomes subject to successive tests and the fulfillment of endlessly imposed conditions, then we are likely to experience a constant feeling of failure rather than success. With each new failure, the state of conflict, fear, emptiness, pain will intensify, and, in the end, real self-hatred will take hold in one form or another. So we will spend the rest of our lives trying to get away from this pain using one of the above devices. We can try to adopt a style of behavior that pleases others and thereby allows us to gain their love. In this case, we stop being ourselves and try to become someone else who enjoys respect, recognition and love.
© John Powell. "How to resist in love."
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