Pity and love are very close concepts. To feel sorry for a person means a willingness to share everything that he lives with... But sometimes women replace love with only pity for a man . Moreover, to someone who is absolutely inappropriate, not ready to make reciprocal sacrifices and noble deeds... Beautiful and Successful is trying to understand why we feel sorry for men, and is it possible to get rid of this strange love-pity ?
When does love turn into pity?
In one of the eastern languages, the verb “to love” is literally translated as “to take your pain upon yourself” (that is, to feel sorry!). Of course, feeling sorry for your loved one is absolutely natural!
But let's look at a typical situation.
Here is a man sitting on the sofa, unsuccessfully looking for a job (which is greatly facilitated by the sofa itself, the TV and beer). Throughout the apartment there is incessant whining and complaints about the “unfair world”, which does not want to let him, a graduate of a construction vocational school, into the chair of the general director of a marketing company.
All this is accompanied by demands: “Cook some soup! Where's my clean shirt? Why didn’t you buy sausages?!”
What should the owner of such a “treasure” do? That's right - shoot it in the neck !
And all women will give exactly this advice in this situation, if we are talking about a friend, the heroine of a talk show, a discussion on a forum...
But as soon as such a situation happens in their own life (of course, I don’t wish this on anyone!), the woman’s views change dramatically - instead of breaking up with a clearly unsuitable man , she begins to feel sorry for this man. Soups are boiled with renewed energy and chops are fried, beer is brought from the stall on demand without the slightest complaint... All whims, spinelessness and lack of initiative, rudeness and even aggression are attributed to the influence of the “unfair world”, as the “sufferer” himself speaks about it.
All the arguments of acquaintances trying to open a woman’s eyes to what is happening are crushed by the iron argument: “But I love him!”
Hmm, friends and relatives think, if such a wonderful young lady in all respects tolerates such a scarecrow next to her, then this, apparently, is truly “love until the grave”! But is it only love that becomes the reason for such all-forgiving pity for a man?
What's next
Then a depressive state arises, which borders on going to extremes: from unbridled fun to tears all night long.
Finally, chronic apathy, supported by self-torture, leads to the emergence of psychological and then physical illnesses. As a result, the hospital is on the horizon or something worse. If such a turn of events is not for you, then even hints of increased self-pity should be nipped in the bud. When the situation starts, arm yourself with a positive attitude and move forward. Overcoming self-pity is acceptable, and I will try to help in simple ways on this difficult path.
What is the compensation for the “sacrifice”?
Of course, this could not have happened without love. Only the woman herself rarely realizes that her love has turned from mutual to unrequited...
After all, would a truly loving man allow a situation where a woman puts all her soul and energy into a relationship, and he remains only a consumer of all these benefits?
But it all started differently - the woman remembers how her now “helpless” and “unhappy” would-be gentleman brought her armfuls of roses and promised to go to the Caribbean every summer! And now, when the miracle is over, and the object of her passion has changed a lot, and not for the better, she believes that the more she expresses her pity and sympathy in all available ways, the sooner the schmuck will turn back into a macho!
A man uses the faith of a naive fool, making sure that the more of his own difficulties he places on a woman’s shoulders, the more actively the woman solves them!
And the woman... Of course, she sees what is happening . And, perhaps, he scolds the faithful to the fullest (without ceasing to feel sorry for the man and solve his problems), mentally asking the question “why am I being punished like this”?
But why doesn’t she leave such a “parasite” man?
But because it’s… more profitable for her! At the same time as maintaining the once-flaming love in a “smoldering mode,” the compassionate lady finds a way out for her own complexes ! For example:
- The “weak woman” complex . Throughout her adult life, the woman realized that she was a “second-class person” compared to a man (that’s how she was raised). They say that she has less chances for a career, she will not become the head of the family, she will always be subordinate to a man... And then suddenly pity for the man makes her realize that since he found himself in a position of weakness, she herself has become strong! Main! Well, how can you miss such a wonderful chance to control the former “overlord”?!
- Complex of the meaninglessness of existence . Yes, yes, pity for a man and getting him out of the deplorable state in which he finds himself (and, probably, is quite willing to continue to be) can become the meaning of life for a woman ! Drinking means you have to force him to quit! Fighting means you need to make him calm down! If he doesn’t work, we need to get him a good position!
- Complex before public opinion . They say, look, everyone, what kind of Mother Teresa I am - what a fool I put up with and do everything for him! Isn't that admirable?!
- The “no one will look at me anymore” complex . It seems to a woman that if she breaks up with this man, then no one else will ever be interested in her. This means that you need to keep this one at all costs (even if there is no smell of love on his part anymore)! And pity is an excuse for oneself: it’s a pity to throw him out into the street, that’s why I’m keeping him...
Of course, when all this is laid out on paper (the monitor, that is), most women will say, “ This author is not about me, I’m in love !” But...let's be honest, shall we?
Sacrifices for the sake of love (sympaty.net has already discussed them) are made not only from high motives!
Does he regret it, does it mean he loves it? Myths of non-systemic psychology
And these seem to be good qualities - compassion and pity for other people, because the world rests on kindness, but what do they turn into if you project them onto the relationship between a man and a woman? Let's figure it out.
18 34358 November 4, 2013 at 03:15 Author of the publication: Ekaterina Burdaeva, commercial director
Have pity on me, have pity, In my fate, so cruel and awkward, Only from your love, reckless as a woman, For a moment it becomes at least a little warmer...
From a song by S. Trofimov
Feminine reckless love, which makes you feel warmer for a moment, is, first of all, the love of a woman with a visual vector. It is the spectators, more than anyone else, who need to show pity. Compassionate women with wet eyes, giving alms to those who beg most pitifully—that’s us, the spectators. The girls shedding tears over a dying kitten or a dove with a broken wing are us too. Crying bitterly over the fate of the heroes of a film or book, clutching a homeless puppy to their chest, trying to warm it up, standing up for a homeless person who has been accosted by hooligans, defending a ridiculous student who is being bullied by the whole class with purely childish cruelty, feeding an old neighbor whose pension was stolen , is all of us, we, we...
I remember once seeing such a scene near the metro. Two women stopped next to a neat, but extremely poorly dressed old woman to buy shoots of some domestic plants, which she was selling, apparently not wanting to beg.
- What kind of shoot do you want? - asked the woman who came up first.
“I don’t care,” answered the second one.
They looked into each other's eyes and in one second understood everything about each other. It was not at all for the sake of flowers that they stopped at the old woman, whose emaciated but noble face could not be looked at without causing your heart to ache.
As soon as they don’t call us: compassionate, compassionate, soft-hearted, soft-hearted, compassionate, merciful. The essence of this phenomenon is the same - the need for suffering and compassion. If the visual vector is undeveloped, then pity will be directed at the beloved: “oh, I’m unhappy,” “oh, how unlucky am I, poor thing.” If the vector is developed, compassion and pity will overwhelm you in relation to the outside world and other people. And these seem to be good qualities, because the world rests on kindness, but what do they turn into if you project them onto the relationship between a man and a woman? Let's figure it out.
"Have pity on me, have pity..."
She loved him for his torment,
and he – for his compassion for them.
Othello. V. Shakespeare.
He regrets, it means he loves, as people say. Is it so? Is pity really equal to love? Visual pity can be so strong and sublime that, turning into empathy, it makes you feel the pain of a stranger as your own. It may be a very strong emotion and deep feeling, but still it is not love. The heroine of the unfading Elena Proklova in the film “The One” Tanyusha was skin-visual to the tips of her fingers. It was her visual ability that endowed her with overwhelming emotionality and the ability to sincerely and passionately empathize with others.
Remember one of the most impressive scenes of the film, when, during a pouring rain, Tanyusha sheltered in her house the leader of the choir group, brilliantly played by Vysotsky. The hero - a strong and talented man - in this scene does everything to hook Tanyusha’s compassionate heart. Here are his remarks: “You... are a lonely carnation, almost like I am lonely...”, “You still have everything ahead, it’s me, one might say, who is all in the past.”
And then he sings his passionate song about black eyes, and the camera, following the heroine’s gaze, rises from the bottom up, showing his cheap, mud-stained sandals, a string bag with a lonely bottle of milk hanging on the back of a chair, his spiritual face of unrecognized talent. Tanyusha’s eyes fill with tears, her voice trembles with empathy and sudden pity for this restless, but incredibly charming man. “Boris Ilyich... let me sew on a button for you,” the heroine whispers and... falls into his arms, forgetting at that moment that she has a truly beloved husband.
A purely emotional impulse, provoked by the heroine’s visual vector, destroyed her family. The touchy, stubborn and straightforward husband, as a true carrier of the anal vector, could not forgive the betrayal of his overly sensitive wife. As a result, both suffered, unable to happily arrange their lives after the divorce.
We, the audience, generally associate love with suffering, even if the feeling is mutual. This is where the legs of the sayings “jealous means he loves” and “pity means he loves” grow. Are such Mexican passions possible without love? And how can anything but love justify them?
Alas, pity, which forms the basis of relationships, is rarely capable of becoming a truly cementing element for them. Even if it’s not a momentary impulse, but a long-term connection. If the primary feeling is not love, sooner or later the relationship may collapse like a house of cards. For example, when the person who regrets falls in love for real.
My classmate married an orphan, who for three years followed her tail and looked pitifully into her eyes. For a couple of years they lived in perfect harmony - oh, she pitied him, the poor thing! She said: “He has no one but me in the whole world.” It happened that I cried, telling my friends how he became an orphan at the age of 13. And then suddenly... I fell in love. Without any pity, seriously, a cheerful guy, an athlete, the life of the party. It was then that she realized what hell it was to love one and live with another. She must have been on the nerves of both herself and her men for a year. She felt painfully sorry for her husband, and without her beloved, life lost all meaning. So it fluttered back and forth like a leaf in the wind, until the athlete took the initiative into his own hands, spoke like a man to the orphan and finally stole his wife.
Do you think this is the end of the matter? If. For several more months, she secretly ran to her ex-husband to prepare food for him. The matter turned into a whole vaudeville, since she calmed down only when she introduced him to a good girl and was convinced that they had started dating...
So, if a man’s “torment” evokes your compassion, like Shakespeare’s Ophelia, do not rush into a relationship with him. Perhaps he can be helped in some other way, without sacrificing his chance for love on the altar of pity.
Don't feel sorry for your man!
It's a pity for the bee, but the bee is on the tree.
Proverb
It happens differently. Strong relationships based on love often include pity as an integral component of strong feelings. “He sleeps so sweetly, he felt sorry for her, he didn’t wake her up, he whipped up breakfast for himself,” “I feel sorry for him, there’s so much work, and even the boss is harsh... I take the children to kindergarten and pick them up,” “It’s my back.” I’m sick, I feel sorry for him, so I carry the bags myself...”, “He’s sick at my place, so I asked for time off from work - I’m taking care of him, now I’ll run for his medicine.” Such statements speak more of sympathy for a loved one than of pity, especially if there are real reasons for them. And there is nothing wrong with this if sympathy does not cross the boundaries of reason and does not turn into the satisfaction of a purely visual need to feel sorry for someone, which is so often exploited by various kinds of beggars.
With the help of pity, it is easiest to create an emotional connection, which is vital for us, visual women. We become attached to the one we feel sorry for, we feel responsible for him, it seems to us that he needs us, our sympathy, our emotions. And how good it feels in your soul when you hold someone close to your heart and feel sorry from the bottom of your heart! But you cannot create an emotional connection with a man based on pity. This is the most direct path to a broken trough.
There is nothing worse for a man when his woman laments over him like a stupid hen: “Oh, my poor little one, oh, you’re unfortunate, no one appreciates you, no one understands you.”... Such pity, elevated to the rank of systematic, makes a strong man weak , and turns the weak into weak-willed. There are countless examples when a husband, who has lost his job, sits on the neck of a pitiful visual wife for months, or even years, who, instead of giving him a good kick, feels sorry for the “poor thing” who was “unfairly fired”, “undeservedly laid off” , “hooked on”, “slandered”, “framed”, etc. Even if all this is the purest truth, you cannot feel sorry for a man. By realizing the needs of their visual vector, wailing over their “unlucky” husband, visual wives undermine the very foundations of the male ego.
A vivid story of pity that turns a man into a parody and a rag is talentedly played by Elena Safonova and Vladimir Konkin in the film “The Princess on the Beans.” Due to poverty, Safonova’s heroine Nina is forced to work several jobs: she is a dishwasher in a restaurant, a janitor, sells newspapers in the passage, and washes floors in hallways... And at the same time she manages to feel sorry for and support her “unfortunate” half-freak dependent husband, with whom he has been divorced for a long time and who secretly steals sausage hidden “for a rainy day” from the refrigerator... Do you want the same worthless whiner and scoundrel under your side? Then immediately start feeling sorry for him!
If you experience an irresistible desire to regret, direct it in a direction where it will be in demand without causing harm to your loved one. Listen to the sorrows of your retired neighbor over a cup of tea, take toys to orphans in an orphanage, send money for the treatment of disabled children, sign up as a volunteer at a hospice, and finally feed skinny yard cats with the leftovers of a hearty dinner! But don't direct your pity at the man. In order to be a man, he must remain strong, at least in his own eyes.
Proofreader: Galina Rzhannikova
Author of the publication: Ekaterina Burdaeva, commercial director
The article was written based on materials from the training “System-vector psychology”
Consequences
What happens to those who feel sorry for themselves too often and selflessly? Their lives are joyless and depressing, they often remain lonely or they themselves destroy all relationships and connections, they rarely achieve success in work or business.
Unfortunately, pathological self-pity for oneself and one’s life often leads not only to severe psychological conditions and depression. This phenomenon can also affect a person’s physical health:
- Arterial pressure. From a state of constant stress and sadness, blood pressure can increase or decrease (depending on the characteristics of the body) and ultimately lead to stroke and other serious diseases.
- Heartbeat. Under the influence of all the same factors, the pulse either quickens or slows down, which disrupts the normal functioning of the body’s main motor. Consequences: heart attacks, heart failure, etc.
- Digestive tract. Many eat their pity with sweet, starchy or fatty foods in excessive quantities, while others, on the contrary, lose their appetite and even feel nauseated. The result is weight problems, various diseases of the digestive system, liver, kidneys, etc.
Moreover, diseases that are the result of constant stress in the form of self-pity cause even more of the same feeling, and everything starts anew and only gets worse. To break this terrible cycle, there is nothing better than to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Psychological constructor
We become acutely aware that life's lessons can be used to prevent future disappointments. It helps you become wiser and feel better. Regret can be a psychological construct associated with decision making, coping with difficult life situations, and personal growth.
This quality forces us to engage in retrospective analysis. We want to figure out what thoughts and events led us to wrong actions in the past. This helps to track specific incorrect behavior patterns that at one time brought a lot of negative emotions.
It seems that the ancient sages were right when they said that it is never too late to learn. We can indeed use regrets for good purposes, the main thing is to find a middle ground.
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Option #1: Looking at the situation from a different angle
If in the recent or even distant past a situation occurred, after which guilt or shame still does not allow a person to sleep peacefully, under no circumstances should one reproach or scold oneself. Instead, you need to ask yourself a simple question: why or why did I act the way I did at that moment? The most likely answer to this is fear.
What can a person be afraid of? Lots of options:
- Lose care and love.
- Face misunderstandings.
- Experience judgment.
- Feel your worthlessness.
- Question your authority, etc. etc.
A situation that has occurred, for which you are ashamed, and because of which you are tormented by a feeling of guilt, is nothing more than a defensive reaction. What is the point of feeling regret for what you have done if a person made a rational decision and acted in his own interests: in order to protect himself from his fear? Isn't it reasonable to strive to prevent moral shock due to an undesirable outcome of events? Quite. It's self-care, and that's okay. A more detailed analysis is available on the website mind-control.ru.
Awareness of the problem
Perhaps, if you are reading this article, then you have already come to realize the problematic nature of this feeling.
I want you to realize something else - we create ourselves, our lives and our own destiny. We have already discussed in another article how I attract situations to myself with thoughts. Think for yourself how you can achieve success if you think of yourself as a failure. Do you think that with streams of tears you will arouse compassion from Lady Fortune, and she will have mercy on you? No, that doesn't happen.
Success is achieved by self-confident people who, after a fall, find the strength to get up and move on, and do not whine for two years over the problem and cruelty of life. Thoughts create life, remember this. Any trouble for you is a way to gain life experience that will be useful.
How to resist self-pity?
Among the BrainApps assortment there are many tests that allow you to determine the degree of self-pity, your self-esteem, the presence or absence of complexes and other components of the psyche. All materials were developed and approved by psychologists, therefore they show the most accurate results.
To get rid of whining and suffering, stop feeling sorry for yourself and finally start acting, you should take a course consisting of several steps. However, only those who sincerely want to change can overcome it.
- Understanding that there is a problem. This step implies understanding your guilt in the failures that occur.
- Analysis. Formation of options on how to solve the problem.
- List. If the first two points cause difficulty, you should write down on paper the reason for pity, what needs to happen for the pity to disappear, and how to make the desired event happen.
- Increased self-esteem. Even the slightest success in changing yourself should be encouraged with praise and slogans like: “Keep it up.”
One of the options for dealing with self-pity may be to compare yourself with a person who is currently much worse off. Or even caring for such a person. At such moments, your failures seem trivial.
In addition to the step-by-step instructions, there is a relaxation method, which consists of subconsciously pouring self-pity into a vessel, after which the accumulated emotion is poured into the toilet and washed away.
