Separation from parents is the most important stage in the development of personality. However, many of us, even as adults, continue to experience a painful and sometimes destructive dependence on our parents, the need for their love and approval. Why dependence on parents arises, what it leads to, and how to separate from father and mother as an adult, says Victoria Orlova, a psychologist specializing in emotional disorders.
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What is the danger of dependence on parents?
How do you understand that you still haven’t separated from your parents as an adult?
There are typical signs. The first is the lack of autonomy and self-reliance. When a person still depends on the opinions and mood of his parents, he constantly calls them on the phone and consults. The person is afraid to make independent decisions because they may upset the mother.
When a person cannot build a relationship or, on the contrary, is in a relationship, but behaves very childishly, demanding constant attention, maternal involvement and love from her husband.
The desire to please parents and deserve love. Such a person builds his life out of the desire to prove something: that he can be loved, that he is good, smart.
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What problems does a person who has not been separated from his parents face?
The lack of separation affects all areas of life. This could be a painful relationship or a lack thereof. The problem is in decision making, which leads to internal conflicts and neurotic disorders. Career failures, situations when a person cannot move through life and seems to be walking in circles. This is a very strange relationship with others, when a person strives to please all the time, a relationship in which there are no personal boundaries. Such people are very easy to manipulate.
If a person has not separated, it means that he is in a childish position and, most likely, will find people in his environment who will occupy a parental position.
How to separate from your parents?
What is “separation from parents”? Separation from parents is when a child ceases to be dependent on his parents, both financially and mentally.
Financial dependence continues until the child lives with his parents, feeds at their expense, and uses their money.
Mental dependence persists until the child consults with his parents.
Material dependence, as a rule, persists for the time being, mental dependence, often, until the end of the life of the parents or child. At the same time, mental dependence on parents can be dangerous.
When is thought addiction dangerous for a child? When a child does not want to live like his parents.
Parents, in any case, want the best for their child, that is, the same as for themselves. Parents love their lives because they built it themselves. Even if they drink every other day, it is their choice. They have not found a better way of life for themselves and consider it optimal for survival in this World. Of course, they will say that “drinking is bad,” but when the child consults with them - “Dad/Mom, what should I do?”, they will give advice typical of their lifestyle and, naturally, will lead the child to the same condition.
Mental dependence leads to a repetition of the life of the parents. If you look at your parents and understand that – “yes! I want to live the same way,” then you are very lucky - listen to your parents and everything will be fine.
Why will everything be fine? Because everything will be safe. You will repeat the life of your parents, because the way of life depends precisely on the mental constructs by which a person lives.
If a child thinks like his parents, then he lives like his parents.
What about development? You have to pay for everything. If you choose security, you will have to sacrifice development. Of course, the task of children is to learn to live better than their parents, otherwise there would be no evolution. But, you, as an individual, have your own personal choice - try to jump above your parents or stay on their level.
What happens if I jump higher than my parents? You will learn to live better, improve the quality of life of your family, and pass on more advanced mental constructs to your children. They will live at your level or jump higher than you and raise the quality of life of the family even higher. This is how the process of development of the family begins - each next generation tries to live better than its parents. Some people succeed, some don't. It doesn't work for the following reasons:
Parents have destructive mental constructs
wars, floods, volcanic eruptions and other natural and man-made disasters that lead to the destruction of infrastructure What if the parents have already reached the limit of development? Human development is associated with the study of the environment. Once upon a time the existence of electricity was not known. When it was discovered, there was a dramatic leap in the quality of life. We now also do not know about the existence of what will allow us to make the next breakthrough in the development of quality of life. Therefore, parents cannot reach the limit of development. There is no limit to development. Even when the Earth is fully studied, the next step will be the study of the Solar System... the Galaxy... the Universe, and perhaps there will be something else behind the Universe that we do not yet know.
Why does infrastructure affect development? Infrastructure is buildings and what is stored in them. Residential buildings contain everything necessary for hygiene and relaxation. Shops for food and clothing for your loved one. Factories for the production of parts. Training centers for development. Computer centers contain servers for the Internet. Without infrastructure there would be nothing - no housing, no production of food and clothing, no computers, which united humanity into a single network and accelerated development tenfold. A man without infrastructure is a tribal man. Tribes still exist in Africa, Australia and South America. You can go and see how they live. There it is very difficult for children to jump higher than their parents, because there are few people around and everyone lives the same way.
Does the number of people affect development? The more people surround you, the more mental structures you see. Some wear a jacket and trousers, while others wear colorful shorts. Any difference between people is a difference in their mental structures. In tribes and villages, people dress similar and lead similar lifestyles. When infrastructure appears, a city appears. In the city, people begin to behave differently because the infrastructure changes people.
Someone is new in the city and is forced to rent a place, thinking every day about whether he will have enough money for tomorrow. Someone has already settled in the city, began to play an important role, acquired housing and can feel calm, spending their free time on hobbies and entertainment. When a person switches from physical labor to mental labor, there is a sharp jump in the quality of life. Physical labor wears out the body and does not give a person the opportunity to enjoy life, because there is simply no physical strength left for active recreation, entertainment and pleasure. Mental work leaves strength for active rest and physical pleasure, which allows you to enjoy life as much as possible.
The mental structures of someone who is engaged in physical labor and is at the bottom of the social ladder are different from the thinking of someone who is engaged in mental work. If your parents were engaged in physical labor, then it will be difficult for you to switch to mental labor. However, in the city you are surrounded by a lot of people who work with their brains and you have the opportunity to learn from them how to think better in order to move to the mental level.
This transition is given to a small number of people, therefore, in any generation there is a small layer of people who are engaged in mental work and a large group who are engaged in physical work. Mental work is when you make decisions yourself. Physical labor is carrying out orders from other people. For example, you can be a designer. The designer can do mental work - decide for himself how, what and where to draw, so that the client is satisfied. A designer can do physical work - just draw according to templates. The strongest designers are those who can work both mentally and physically. But, in any case, a more professional designer takes on the mental work, and beginners do the physical work, because there is more responsibility in mental work.
Does it all come down to responsibility? Personal responsibility. For example, are you ready to be responsible for your accommodation? You can answer yes and say “living with my parents is my choice!”, but the responsibility lies in the fact that you:
pay rent
pay off the loan for the apartment, if you have one
furnishing the apartment
doing renovations
fill the refrigerator with food
keep the house clean Responsibility is difficult because responsibility is about maintaining the infrastructure in good condition. You can take responsibility for your accommodation, but where is the guarantee that your home will be clean, tidy and comfortable? It needs to be looked after, just like your body, like your brain. Your body, brains, home are your property. This is your personal infrastructure that ensures the quality of your life. If your parents take care of them, then they ensure your quality of life.
Why separate from your parents? If you do not learn to provide everything for yourself, then you will not learn responsibility. What can a person do without responsibility? He lives at the expense of others and gets used to it. He cannot create something in this World, bring something new. An irresponsible woman cannot raise a responsible child. If she has a son, he will look for a wife who will organize his life. If she is a girl, then she will look for a husband who will decide everything for her. As such, an independent personality will not be formed, neither in the first nor in the second case.
How does a person feel who is not independent? Somehow half-hearted. “It seems like I’m living, but it seems like I’m not. I want to do a lot, but I can’t do much in reality, because I don’t know how to do it myself, and those I rely on constantly let me down.”
Lack of independence is the cause of low quality of life. Even if your parents are independent, but they fully provided for you, it will be difficult for you to preserve everything that they have accumulated after their death, because you simply will not have the skill to take care of the infrastructure. Therefore, "golden boys and girls" often lose the huge fortunes of their parents after their sudden death. The most competent “golden boys and girls” simply sell the business, deposit the money at interest and hire servants. They are unable to take care of themselves because they are too irresponsible. For the same reason, "golden boys and girls" often get involved with drugs and end up with them, because they are unable to even take care of their bodies. Less “golden” children, suffering from irresponsibility, simply become drunkards in poverty. Therefore, the main mistake of parents is cultivating irresponsibility in their children.
How is irresponsibility cultivated? The most important thing is to doubt your children. If you have often heard from your parents - “you can’t do this, let me do it”, “don’t touch this, otherwise you will break it”, “study better, otherwise you won’t succeed in anything in life”, “stay at the job you don’t like” “, be patient, otherwise you won’t find anything better,” then your parents nurtured irresponsibility in you.
Doubts give rise to irresponsibility because they prevent you from taking responsibility. When you doubt yourself, you want someone to do something for you, because you are sure that you will do something bad yourself.
the more you doubt yourself, the more irresponsible you are
From irresponsible parents, infection occurs as naturally as possible. The child simply watches his parents, sees that they doubt themselves and begins to fear not being able to cope with this World. “If my parents are afraid to act, then it’s not easy, it means there’s something wrong with this World.” Irresponsible parents are afraid to make a mistake because they are sure that the World will severely punish them for their mistake. Fear of mistakes gives rise to self-doubt. Self-doubt gives rise to doubts. Doubts breed irresponsibility.
Infection from responsible parents takes longer, with resistance from the child. The child sees that their parents work hard and also wants to try their hand, wants to become responsible, like mom and dad. But mom and dad don’t trust the child. The cleaning is done by the servants or the mother says, “I’ll clean up myself, because you’re not good at cleaning.” The servants or mother also cook, not letting anyone near the stove. The child, not knowing what to do with himself at home and how to express himself, already wants to help his dad at work and is ready to take on any job. But, dad thinks - “now I’ll put him into action, and he (s) will screw things up, I can’t take that risk” and this “I can’t take that risk” continues all my life.
The child grows up in a lot of restrictions and does not understand why he was born in the first place, and feels absolutely useless. And suddenly, after yet another rejection by his parents, the child finally loses faith in himself and asks the question: “Can I do anything at all in this World?” It’s good if the child starts working independently or at least organizing parties for friends.
But, if a child is under strong control, which completely limits his independence, from choosing food to choosing a job, then complete irresponsibility develops. The child never finds himself, never gets the opportunity to become an independent person.
Why does irresponsibility persist even after the death of parents? Because self-doubts persist and I want to find replacement parents in order to continue to feel safe. What name the new parent will have - husband/wife, teacher, boss - is not so important. The essence remains the same - shifting responsibility for your life to another person.
How not to shift responsibility for your life to others? Develop self-confidence. To do this, you need to remove the doubts that your parents instilled in you - to do everything that, as they said, you cannot do.
When you break your parents' doubts about you, you will break your doubts about yourself.
What to do if you are scared to start living on your own? This means that you cannot independently remove the doubts that your parents planted in you. It is necessary to find a person who already lives independently and tell him about all your doubts - “I can’t do this, I can’t do that...”, “I’m scared to do this, scared to do that...”, “I’m afraid to take responsibility for that.” and for this...” Since this person has already become independent, he has a different mental structure in his head and he will be able to convey it to you, destroy all your doubts. He will explain to you in detail how to act in a given situation.
If there is no such person in your life, then the solution will be to contact a psychologist. The psychologist has technologies for working with doubts and separation from parents, gaining independence - this is one of the most common problems that psychologists encounter in their practice.
The only problem when contacting a psychologist is that you need to have financial independence from your parents, because your parents will never pay for your separation from them from their own pockets.
If you have financial independence from your parents, but feel that you are still dependent on their opinions, then a psychologist will help you break away from mental dependence on your parents. With the help of a psychologist, you will learn to think independently and be able to build the mental structure that you want and, therefore, gain the quality of life that you want.
What should your relationship with your mother be like?
It is believed that excess and lack of maternal love are equally harmful for a child: is this true?
Indeed, it is so. You can’t just praise or, conversely, deprive someone of love. When a mother admires a child all the time, adapts to him, and is afraid to scold him, he grows up vulnerable. He will not be ready for adult life, in which there will be situations and people who will not want to adapt to him. If we want a child to be prepared and resistant to stress, we need to convey to him and show him that life can be different.
If we talk about the lack of maternal love, then another problem arises here - internal emptiness. Such a child will strive throughout his life to earn love and fill the void. He enters into dependent relationships and demands that his partner love him for his parents. Or he plunges headlong into work to prove that he is good, that he can be loved.
How to compensate for the lack of maternal love as an adult?
In adulthood, you can compensate for the lack of maternal love only through self-love. You need to find that loving, accepting mother within yourself. Yes, of course, it will be an injury, but the injury can be converted into a resource, processed into energy in order to move forward and achieve some goals.
It is important to remember that this is a natural need: every person wants to be loved, respected, appreciated, this is completely normal.
In any case, the mother loves her child, he just does not read the mother’s behavior as love and it is more imprinted in his memory that he was not loved. In therapy, it is customary to show a person that his mother loved him: to do this, they remember some event from childhood where the mother showed love.
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How to stop trying to win your mother's approval?
You need to realize that there is no point in trying to prove something all the time, instead of living your conscious life, building relationships, taking care of your projects, children. A person spends a huge amount of vital energy on these traumatic experiences.
Otherwise, already in old age, you risk suddenly realizing that you have lived some kind of strange life, chasing other people’s goals, which in the end did not bring you any pleasure, just to earn your mother’s love.
Should an adult daughter maintain distance from her mother to prevent emotional attachment?
If the daughter has separated, then she does not develop an emotional attachment and does not need to share everything with her mother. For her, she comes first, her partner comes second, her children come third, and only then her mom and dad.
There should be boundaries in a relationship with a mother, but mother and daughter themselves decide what those boundaries will be. For example, some daughters ask that their mother not speak out about their partner in any way. Of course, you don’t need to discuss the topic of sex, sexual partners, etc. with your mother.
This should be a mother-daughter relationship, not a girlfriend relationship.
Many people strive to build friendly relationships with their children, and the big question here is - why does a person do this? Everyone should be in their place in the system: mother in mother’s place, daughter in daughter’s place.
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How codependency is formed
The reason for codependency is the incompleteness of establishing psychological autonomy, one of the most important stages in the development of the psyche.
A paper by Hungarian clinical psychiatrist Margaret Mahler, co-authored with her colleagues Fred Pyne and Annie Bergman, emphasizes:
“The biological birth of a human infant and the psychological birth of an individual do not coincide in time. The first is a bright, observable event with clear boundaries, the second is a slowly unfolding intrapsychic process.
We view psychological birth as a process of separation-individuation: the establishment of a sense of one's own separateness and the formation of relationships with the real world, especially in the aspect of experience associated with one's own body and with the main representative of the surrounding world - the primary object of love. Like any mental process, separation-individuation affects the entire life cycle as a whole..."
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Based on this theory, Berry and Janae Weinhold talk about four stages of development of the human psyche:
codependency → counterdependence → independence → interdependence
At the stage of codependency, an understanding of the permanence of objects is formed and the foundation is laid for the emergence of personal boundaries. This is achieved through the process opposite to separation - complete merging with the parent figure. At this stage, codependency is normative. Moreover, it is a prerequisite for further development - transition to the next stages.
The age of normative codependency is from 0 to ~ 3 years (this is individual, more often this stage is not completed at all, as we will discuss below). During this period, the child should “reflect” something like this:
“I can develop and I have the right to do so—the world is safe. The world is kind to me, and I can claim to have my needs met” [the result of the experience of codependent fusion. — Approx. ed.].
“The part of the world that satisfies my needs is constant. I don't have to worry about it. I can count on the world not to disappear. I can count on not being in danger of death. I'm fine now and there's no reason why anything will change. I receive and will receive exactly as many benefits as I need for life. That part of the world on which I depend is predictable and reliable” [the result of the experience of forming the constancy of objects. — Approx. ed.].
At the stage of codependency, the idea is formed:
"I am OK. The world is ok."
If the child is convinced that everything is in order with the world as a whole, the basis for personal boundaries has been laid and they can begin to be outlined. This is a slow process (spoiler alert: few achieve success, and that’s the problem). The counterdependent stage begins - the stage of separation.
How to separate from your parents as an adult
At what point should you leave your parents' care?
It is desirable that a person at the age of 18–21 should already be separated and move towards independence. This means that you need to live separately from your parents, strive to not depend on them financially, and make your own decisions. Avoid situations where you live separately, but your mother gives 30 thousand for an apartment every month. Because when your parents give you financial resources, they are in a position from above and you are dependent on them.
Naturally, there are times when we need help. For example, a person fell ill and did not work for several months. In such cases, we can play it safe and turn to our parents for support, and this will be completely normal.
How to become an emotionally independent person?
Emotional attachment is always more difficult. To become emotionally independent, you need to learn to meet your needs. We must find parents within ourselves who can support us in difficult times. This is a skill to be able to independently cope with your emotional states, support yourself, and calm yourself down.
How can you painlessly escape from parental control as an adult?
Everyone wants to get out of everything painlessly, and everyone wants to live painlessly, build a career painlessly, etc. You won’t be able to do this: there will be emotions, in any case there will be sadness and worries. This is completely normal, you just don’t need to run away from them - you need to allow yourself to experience these emotions.
First of all, you should talk to your mother. Say: “I love you very much and thank you for everything, but I’m already an adult, and I decided to make my own decisions.” And here the mother chooses how to react: either she will say: “Okay, I’m letting you go,” or she will go into emotions, into resentment. You need to allow your mother to experience these emotions.
Answer the question for yourself: do you want to please your mother or build healthy relationships with other people, live like an adult? Sometimes you have to make this difficult choice, but, as a rule, the mother experiences this and then builds relationships in a different way from the position of an adult - an adult, and this is a completely different level.
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What stages do you need to go through?
There is no clear step-by-step plan. You need to look at the specific situation: what is preventing you from separating - financial dependence, inability to make decisions or emotional dependence - and build stages from this.
How can you not ruin your relationship with your parents?
When you separate, at some point it may seem like the relationship is falling apart, but in reality it is simply transforming. When the separation is completed, the relationship is usually restored and reaches a new level.
What happens if an adult child is never separated from his parents?
A neurotic disorder, a depressive disorder may occur, or perhaps the child will live a normal life. Half of our Russian population lives like this, and for many it is completely normal to exist in a childish position. But this life will be very different from the life lived by mature adults.
A child is limited in many ways: as a child we cannot afford much; our parents decide everything for us. In the context of adult life, the same thing happens: a non-autonomous person, immature, cannot realize his potential. It is difficult for her to earn money, to build healthy relationships, it is difficult to be satisfied and happy. This is a mechanical unconscious life.
Only a mature person can live consciously: she has an understanding of what is happening, an adult is responsible for himself, and chooses his own path. A person who is autonomous from his parents feels this freedom very well: his imagination plays, he is free, he is full, he has a lot of resources, because nothing holds him back anymore. He acts completely freely, allows himself to make mistakes, gains experience, and moves on. If I wanted to, I moved and changed jobs. This is where the feeling of freedom comes into play.
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