Crisis of 3 years in a child: signs, symptoms. How should parents behave?

Where do whims come from?

If a child often freaks out and is capricious, there may be several reasons for this:

He feels unwell and is unwell.
He gets overtired and experiences stress (especially if his whims recur in the evening).
He is poorly brought up, he throws tantrums because he is used to getting what he wants this way.

Dr. Komarovsky believes that any excessive manifestation of capriciousness is aimed primarily at parents. If the baby has spectators who are affected by his hysterics, he will use this “weapon” every time he needs something or something stops suiting him .

The reasonable actions of parents in this case should be to ignore - a baby who has been denied the opportunity to get his hands into a hot oven or plunge a cat into the toilet can scream and be indignant as much as he wants, mom and dad must be adamant.

It is advisable that all family members, including grandparents, adhere to such tactics. Komarovsky emphasizes that children become tyrants and manipulators almost immediately after they realize that with the help of hysterics they can achieve what is forbidden to them.

The concept of crisis in three-year-old children

It is not entirely correct to say that the crisis occurs exactly in 3 years. The crisis period can begin in children as early as 2 years old and last up to 4 years. The duration and intensity of the crisis depend on the child’s temperament: for example, choleric people are more excitable, and crisis phenomena in such children often pass with violent hysterics.

The intensity of the 3-year-old crisis can also be influenced by the style of raising children adopted in the family. In families with a dictatorial method of raising a child, manifestations of the crisis can occur more violently and intensely. Children in such families are often suppressed by psychological and physical methods. Having achieved external obedience from a crumb by force, parents create the preconditions for serious psychological problems in the future for their child.

The crisis of 2 years in children is not singled out separately, since it is the beginning of a difficult crisis period in three-year-old foolish children. Faced with the first difficulties of the crisis period, parents are primarily concerned with the question of how long the child’s crisis lasts for 3 years. The duration of the crisis period can range from several months to several years. Such a long period depends on the behavior of the parents, their willingness to meet their child halfway and solve difficult issues together. A child's crisis forces parents to reevaluate some methods of raising their children.

The external manifestation of the crisis is expressed in the child’s desire to do everything on his own, often against his own wishes. “I myself”, “I don’t want”, “I won’t” - this is what adults in the family will have to listen to very often. By denying established orders and rules of behavior in the family, the child develops independence, and the prerequisites for personal self-esteem are created.

Boys are much more stubborn than girls. But girls are more often capricious. During the active period of the crisis, attacks of stubbornness and capriciousness occur from 5 to 19 times a day.

Manifestation of the crisis

Psychology characterizes the manifestation of crisis phenomena in three-year-old children as a “seven-star symptom.” The following symptoms of the 3-year crisis have been identified:

Self-will. The kid is trying to prove that he is completely independent and does not need the help of adults. It is when self-will manifests itself that older relatives most often hear from the baby: “I myself.” The stubborn little guy chooses his own clothes and dresses himself. He tries to fasten the buttons and zipper on his jacket himself, and lace up his sneakers or boots. The baby makes attempts to cross the road on his own or turn on the iron.
Stubbornness. The desire to achieve a goal and persistence should not be confused with stubbornness. When the baby tries to build a tower, despite the fact that the blocks are constantly falling, the baby shows persistence in achieving his goal. But when a baby refuses to put away his toys or go out to eat, explaining his action: “I said I won’t, which means I won’t,” this is a manifestation of stubbornness.

Despotism. This symptom can be called an attempt to manipulate adults. With the help of screaming and hysterics, the baby tries to get his parents to fulfill his wishes. For example, they bought another toy or instead of a movie they started watching cartoons that the child demands to be shown. The baby may stomp his feet and try to hit his mother so that she will listen to him.
Negativism. Complete denial of everything that the parents suggested, even if the baby himself wants it. Mom suggested watching his favorite cartoons or going for a walk in the park, but the baby immediately refused, although he really wanted to go for a walk. Negativism is very similar in appearance to disobedience. However, disobedience is actions aimed at fulfilling one's own desires contrary to the wishes of adults. A negative attitude is usually directed selectively at one family member, most often the mother.
Symptom of protest. It seems to the child that his parents are limiting his freedom. Rules of conduct, adherence to the daily routine - everything causes protest in the baby. I don’t want to, I won’t, leave me alone - the little man is increasingly showing aggression. And the child’s hysterics begin again.
Obstinacy. This symptom is very similar to negativism. But with obstinate behavior, the negative reaction of a stubborn child is directed not at a specific family member, but at everything around him: things, objects, orders. If a family has different approaches to raising the younger generation, then the child will more often demonstrate his obstinacy.
Depreciation. All previously beloved toys, books, fairy tales, things, and most importantly, close relatives, cease to be valued by the baby. A child can break a specially favorite car or tear off a doll’s legs, tear the pages of a book, throw it on the floor and trample on his favorite jeans. The foolish child begins to use rude words and call adults names. The kid wants to prove his importance by devaluing the value of everything else.

What influences the development of the crisis?

External factors can influence the occurrence of a crisis in a child. Psychology identifies the following reasons for the 3-year-old crisis in a child, which affect the normal formation of personality:

Mental, physical pathologies. The presence of the disease complicates the normal development of the psyche. Crises occur later than expected and are more complex and acute. Children with developmental anomalies are stuck in a turning point. In this case, the joint work of parents, a psychologist and a defectologist is required to compensate for the effect of the pathology.
Genetic predisposition. Some personality traits appear only under certain circumstances, which contribute to the development of patterns of behavior that are inherited. If the child’s parents had difficulty overcoming their own crisis and were unable to acquire the necessary skills, it is difficult for the child to reverse the family scenario.
Authoritarian parenting. Suppressive aggressive parents are an additional stress factor that prevents the child from becoming independent.
Unfavorable social environment. Sometimes, with a favorable situation in the family, external circumstances outweigh and influence the child’s personality. For example, a rude, overly strict kindergarten teacher. She is a significant adult and can cause psychological trauma to the child with her behavior.

The impact of factors influencing personality development can be minimized and compensated. This will require more effort than in a favorable situation.

Duration of the crisis

On average, a difficult stage in the life of parents and children lasts about a year. It is difficult to give a more precise term for the three-year crisis. Experts say that the duration of whims and hysterics directly depends on the behavior of the parents.

If loved ones prepare for the problem in advance, study the rules of behavior and methods of dealing with them, then the crisis will pass much faster and calmer.

Tips for parents

Psychologists recommend preparing in advance for the difficult stage of a child’s growing up. Already from the age of one year, when the baby began to walk, care should not turn into overprotection. You don’t need to hold your baby’s hand all the time: let him run around. Pay attention to his mood, to what the baby wants.

When a child reaches the age of two, he can already tell his mother about his problems and difficulties. Don't push your child away. Listen to your child, take into account the child’s opinion. And then, by the age of three, the baby will feel the love and understanding of his parents, and will be confident that his family will always understand him. During the onset of a crisis, in the third year of the baby’s life, the baby will have the feeling that he is under the protection of his family. The crisis period itself for such children will pass without violent incidents and will take only a few months.

The science of psychology studies in detail the age of 3 years. At this age, many children begin to develop self-esteem and lay the foundations for their future personality. It depends on the reaction of adults how this crisis period can pass in the younger generation: will the baby grow up to be a strong, strong-willed person or become a weak-willed hysteric? Will the child be confident in himself, or will the baby have a bunch of complexes that will interfere with his development?

To more successfully navigate the crisis stage in 3-year-old children, so that it lasts as little as possible, psychology has developed several tips for parents of 3-year-olds:

The 3-year-old crisis is not the result of poor genetic predisposition or improper upbringing. Adults should not, especially in the presence of a restless child, find out who is to blame for the fact that the baby has grown up as a naughty child.
You should not limit any manifestation of activity, and also allow the fidget to do whatever he wants. In the first case, a complex, lack of initiative person will grow up, in the second, a spoiled domestic tyrant. In both cases, it will be difficult for the child to adapt to adulthood.
Give your baby more independence. Talk to the baby, tell him that you hope for his help, because he is already so big and mature. Determine the duties of the fidget. Let the little man help wash the dishes, set the table - for example, carry a plate of cheese or bread. Do not refuse your child when the little one wants to help with cleaning the apartment. Praise your child for all good deeds
Be respectful of your child’s advice and opinions. Let the baby choose which dress or sweater he will wear for a walk. Ask him for advice if you want to rearrange the furniture in your apartment a little or are deciding what to cook for lunch. In the store, let the child choose fruit or dessert for dinner.
Fight stubbornness with cunning. If your baby refuses to swim, ask for help teaching the doll to swim. Or tell him that the car wants to test the new engine outside and is waiting for the baby to go for a walk.
Don't create a tragedy over little things. The child can eat dessert or main course first, and then eat soup or borscht. If he has food left on his plate, it is possible that you are offering him too large portions. Don't force yourself to finish everything.
Give less orders to your child. Try to negotiate, make concessions. Be sure to keep your promises. The little man remembers everything and can be very offended. The principle will apply here: since adults lie, it means that I will not listen to them.

Rules for parents

Parents must understand that the child’s unusual actions are not bad heredity or congenital malignancy. The little person is growing up, wants to be independent and needs to learn to build relationships with him in a new format.

Following a number of rules will help make life easier for parents and not spoil the child’s psyche:

Refuse the commanding tone. Directions and commands cause resistance. If you decide to engage in creativity with your child, you should not order him to draw. It is better to invite him to choose a pencil with which he will color.
Refrain from making comments. You should not pull the child back directly. It is better to explain to him that little children are not beaten or animals are not hurt.
Give more freedom. It will be more pleasant for the child if he himself decides which jacket to wear today, where to go for a walk, or when to leave the playground.
Take negativism to the point of absurdity. You shouldn’t try to convince your child not to break the car. On the contrary, it is worth insisting that he disable the toy, not eat soup or not put on a hat. Having realized the comical nature of the situation, the child will stop insisting on it.
Give up stubbornness. Parents often make the mistake of defending their point of view. It will not be possible to over-obstinate a three-year-old child by arranging competitions with him. Such behavior will only take away mental strength and ruin your mood.
Show love, affection and care more often. Excessive severity will only make the situation worse. The child must be praised and encouraged, especially when he deserves it.
Do not shift responsibility to the little person. The kid himself is not happy with the actions he commits. The task of parents in response to the child’s behavior is not to harbor resentment and stop being capricious themselves.
Show more attention to children's needs. Often, bad behavior and tantrums are caused by the usual reasons: hypothermia, hunger, overexcitement or fatigue.
Relieve children's tension. The best way to overcome stress is massage, joint active games or dancing.

A three-year crisis will help you overcome other people's experience. Parents who have already overcome this stage with their children can share personal effective methods of dealing with stubbornness and self-will.

During acute periods of personality development, adults should be especially sensitive and understanding, but not allow children to manipulate themselves. Permissiveness and constant pressure are harmful. In order not to interfere with the normal development of the child, parents should not:

prohibit the expression of negative emotions;
compare the child with other children;
use physical methods of punishment.

The main skill that a child should acquire after the crisis is over is the acquisition of primary independence. Therefore, parental authority must be flexible.

You should only be persistent in case of real danger. The child must understand in what situations he needs to unconditionally obey his parents, and in what situations he can make an independent decision.

For example, if a child, having played too much, does not look around and risks running out onto the roadway, the parent can and should shout out, grab him by the hand and take him away from the dangerous part of the road. Most likely the child will be scared and capricious. You need to wait out this outbreak of protest and then be sure to explain to him why you can’t run out onto the road. This will form a connection between his parents’ harsh reaction and real danger. In the future, parents will only need to slightly raise their voice so that the child immediately develops an association with danger and the need for obedience.

Alarming symptoms

Sometimes even children cannot cope with a crisis. Kids become capricious, hysterical, quickly become frustrated, and do not try to improve their skills. They don't change, as if they are forever stuck at the age of three. In severe cases, the child becomes aggressive and can pose a real danger to other children.

Warning signs:

Fear of independence. The essence of the crisis of three years is the persistent manifestation of independence. If the baby, on the contrary, refuses independence and continues to count on the help of his parents, this indicates slow development. In childhood this does not seem to be a problem, but with age it becomes more difficult for a child to become independent.
Detachment from parents. Emotional and tactile contact with parents is important for the baby. He strives to evoke a response, his hysteria is an attempt to reach adults. But if a child is distant, does not like hugs, and shows a clear negative or indifferent reaction to an attempt at contact, this indicates mental development disorders: autism or schizoid spectrum disorder.
Tendency towards sadism. Childhood sadism, i.e. the desire to cause suffering to other people, differs from adult destructive behavior. Having realized himself as an individual, the child understands that other people are also independent individuals. But since he has not yet developed empathy, the ability to empathize, he continues to behave selfishly and put his needs first. If he wants to take a toy, he does not notice other children who are already playing with it, and does not react to their crying and protests. This is a normal period of mental development that needs to be waited out. But if a child takes pleasure in watching other children suffer, or deliberately provokes them, you should definitely visit a child psychologist.

A timely visit to a psychologist will help avoid serious complications. The psychologist will select appropriate behavioral tactics, using which parents will be able to build adequate relationships and help the child cope with the increased stress on the psyche.

Risks

If the main need of infancy (the need for security) has been satisfied, then the need for love is formed at an early age. Moreover, the need for love from a parent of the opposite sex is especially acute. It is at this moment, with an unsatisfied need, that the foundation of the Oedipus complex and the Electra complex is laid.

If at the previous stage of development the child felt the need for verbal contact, then in early childhood the need for tactile sensations is relevant. If she is not satisfied, then the child remains tactilely insensitive for the rest of his life.

If parents limit independence and ridicule attempts to show it, then the child’s volitional regulation is replaced by a feeling of guilt and shame, and self-doubt. This is dangerous due to life’s passivity in the future, denial of one’s own participation in the course of life, indecision and inability to change and build life according to one’s own needs and desires.

Reasons for child aggression

Character formation does not happen overnight. Therefore, when problems begin, there is no need to panic. It is worth understanding your little one and finding out for yourself the true reasons for his changed behavior.
Understanding will help you control the situation and do everything to prevent this behavior from becoming entrenched and becoming part of your personality manifestations for many years.
One possible reason is the child’s own temperament and the characteristics of his nervous system. Some people are patient, others need to implement everything at once. Children are no exception here. Only they have even less patience than an adult.
Incorrect upbringing and parental mistakes. Sometimes our affection and encouragement of the baby leads to the consolidation of unwanted reactions. In my kindergarten group there was a three and a half year old girl, Nastya. A normal, quite adequate child. If her mother came for her in the evening, then everything was fine. With dad, she instantly turned into a little capricious woman who could demand anything. Well, who is to blame for this?
Fears and stress that lead to self-doubt also do not always provoke tension on the part of children.
Copying the behavior of others. The reason here is not always the parents. It is worth paying attention to the baby’s entire environment: grandparents, kindergarten or nanny at home. Sometimes even neighbors on the street.
Television programs and constant computer games also contribute. So, it is better to carefully monitor what is happening in the room where the child is. “He’s not looking” is not an argument here. He still hears, sometimes sees, and therefore reacts.
And of course, the increased desires of the baby himself, and the inability to achieve their realization quickly and independently.

You should not mock or make fun of your child’s manifestations of anger. By the way, children of this age have not yet developed a sense of humor; such behavior from adults will cause an even stronger response. Humor should be taught in a fun and good mood.

How is children's negativity expressed?

Often outbursts of anger arise as a defensive reaction, an inability to cope with the situation. Remember the well-known toast: “So that our desires coincide with our capabilities?” So in children this contradiction is even stronger.

Types of aggressive behavior

Psychologists advise parents not to take the situation to the extreme. You shouldn’t wait for irritation to escalate and begin to spill over into aggression. No one knows your son or daughter better than you. Knowing how your son or daughter reacts to a specific situation, you can intervene in a timely manner and direct your child’s mood in the right direction. Knowing the manifestations of anger, it is easier to analyze and take control of the situation.

Attacks of aggression expressed physically. This is expressed in a direct attack on a peer or adult with the aim of causing pain or destroying something. Here, threats and indecent gestures can be used, which are characteristic either of an older age or are used in the child’s environment and copied by him in certain situations. This is often very appropriate.

There is a reaction that is expressed verbally, that is, in the form of abuse and threats. This is often caused by a feeling of fear, pain, ridicule.

Directed aggression is always directed towards other children or adults. It manifests itself in the form of evil ridicule, gossip, and cruel jokes. And although it manifests itself at a later age, its formation begins already at the age of 3-4 years and the motive for this aggression is formed gradually, then expressed as a kind of revenge.

Dissatisfaction with someone else's behavior leads to undirected hostility. This is dissatisfaction with the lack of something material: a toy, sweets, or a broken promise.

Sometimes dissatisfaction with oneself occurs - so-called auto-aggression. This is most often typical for teenagers, but very rarely happens in young children. I even saw such cases at the age of 4-5 in a boy from a very good family, where the parents worked a lot and devoted their time to their children. The boy’s increased demands on himself were skillfully redirected by his parents towards achievements and joy in their successes.

When to see a doctor

Most often, parents take their capricious, disobedient and hysterical child to see a pediatrician with this problem at the age of 4. Until this age, they justify children’s “concerts” by early age-related crises, individual behavioral characteristics, the child’s temperament and other reasons. However, according to Komarovsky, at the age of 4-5 it is already quite difficult to solve a neglected pedagogical problem, which undoubtedly exists.

Parents should be wary of certain features of the child’s behavior during the active phase of hysteria.

If the baby makes a “hysterical bridge”, in which he arches his back and extremely tenses all his muscles, if he experiences holding his breath with loss of consciousness, for her own reassurance it is better for the mother to show the child to a pediatric neurologist and visit a child psychologist.

In general, the physical manifestations of hysteria in a child can be different, including convulsions, clouding of consciousness, and short-term impairment of speech functions. In some cases, such reactions may indicate not only the child’s sensitivity and temperament, but also certain diseases of a neurological and psychiatric nature. If in doubt, go to a specialist doctor. If nothing else happens except holding your breath while yelling, Komarovsky advises to deal with it simply - you should blow in the face of the hysterical person, he will reflexively stop yelling and take a deep breath, breathing will return to normal.

Recommendations of Dr. Komarovsky

A well-known pediatrician believes that during a three-year crisis, it is the responsibility of parents to follow the rules of pedagogy:

Justify the prohibitions and do not discuss them with the child. For example, it is prohibited to touch needles or play near the roadway, as this is dangerous to health and life.
Hear someone else's opinion. A little person at 3 years old is already an individual and has his own opinion. It is important to listen to the child and enter into dialogue with him.
Stay friendly. In any situation you need to save face. Aggression always provokes aggression.
Do not enter into a discussion during hysterics. Until the baby calms down, any conversations or persuasion are useless. The child is able to perceive information only in a state of rest.

According to Dr. Komarovsky, it is important for parents to analyze the conflict situation together with the child. It is advisable to convey to the child in a calm tone exactly what he was wrong about.

Psychologist's advice

Do not place excessive demands on your child. His inner feeling that he will not cope with your expectations, resistance to demands that he cannot yet fulfill due to his age, cause a response that manifests itself in hysteria and childish whims.

Follow the daily routine, make sure that the child gets enough rest, does not get overtired, and does not spend too much time at the computer or in front of the TV. If a child has a tendency towards increased capriciousness, the best leisure time for him is active games in the fresh air.

Teach your child to verbalize his emotions and feelings. To do this, from a very early age you should show your child how to do this and regularly practice simple exercises. “I’m upset because I can’t draw an elephant,” “When there’s a thunderstorm, I’m very scared,” “When I’m afraid, I want to hide,” and so on. By the age of three or four, this will help the child form the habit of speaking in words about what he needs, what does not suit him, and not throwing tantrums with screams and screams.

Features of communication between adults and children

When it comes to communicating with a child during a three-year crisis, psychologists advise adhering to almost the same recommendations. By following these tips, parents will be able to gradually overcome negative symptoms in their child’s behavior.

Moms and dads need:

refrain from an authoritarian communication style;
encourage the child's curiosity;
use game techniques in teaching;
to focus in education on the positive, and not on prohibitions and punishment;
teach the child the rules of behavior in a form accessible to him;
instill in the child communication skills with adults and peers;
show patience and sensitivity;
Avoid commanding notes when communicating with your child;
try not to rush the baby;
make concessions in small things;
avoid controversial and conflict situations;
offer help rather than do the child’s work;
avoid comparisons with other children, especially in terms of success;
gradually expand his “space” of freedom;
in conflict situations, use a smile and humor;
listen to the child, he should feel interested;
treat the child’s ideas and plans with respect;
reduce the number of prohibitions, while not forgetting the boundaries of permissibility;
Before visiting crowded places, discuss your behavior with your child and, after returning, praise him for observing them;
Do not take your anger out on the child;
instill in the child to care about other family members;
when communicating with a child, he often touches on topics that are interesting to him;
do not insist on eating if you refuse to eat;
involve the baby in household chores;
during the crisis, postpone moralizing and educational conversations;
respect the child as an individual and treat him as an equal;
thank you for your help;
ask permission to take his personal belongings or toy.

When committing an offense, it is important to explain to the child that it is not he who is bad, but his prank. The baby needs to hear that he is loved, but it will be much better if he stops doing tricks. According to many parents, a child’s three-year crisis is associated with his desire to achieve his desires by any means.

In fact, at this stage of life, he develops his own “I” and expects positive assessments from close people. All children go through a three-year crisis, and only parents can help them overcome this stage of life as painlessly as possible. To do this, you just need to respect him as a person.

The main complaint is to parents

No matter how unhappy parents may look, trying to shift all responsibility for terrible behavior onto the child, Dr. Komarovsky still believes that the main blame for the actions of children lies with mom and dad.

“When I see uncontrollable children, I almost always have complaints not against them, but against the parents. I want to strangle them, I’ll tell you honestly,” Komarovsky said angrily.

The doctor is perplexed how to behave with children at an appointment at the clinic if he, the doctor, has to persuade the child to open his mouth for 20 minutes, and at the same time the mother behaves as if nothing had happened, as if the child is the “king” here.

Psychologists spoke about childhood crises that turn a child into a fiend.

Komarovsky spoke about uncontrollable children

Afterword

Thus, the crisis of three years is characterized by the child’s mastering of “should” and “want”, their comparison and differentiation. The need for independent choice arises, and the will develops.

The child analyzes “I want”, “I must” and “I cannot” and ultimately formulates “I can”. With permissiveness on the part of parents or, on the contrary, strict restrictions, the crisis drags on. The optimal upbringing option at this stage is to direct the child to activities where he can fully demonstrate his independence. As a rule, we are talking about a role-playing game. It allows you to play out scenarios, assume roles and responsibilities, develop your independence, and learn to make decisions.

Sources

https://o-krohe.ru/komarovskij/rebenok-psihuet-kapriznichaet/
https://pups.su/psihologiya/krizis-3-goda.html
https://mystroimmir.ru/psihologiya/detskaya/krizis-3-let.html
https://kidteam.ru/krizis-treh-let-u-rebenka.html
https://psychologist.tips/2824-krizis-treh-let-u-rebenka-kratkoe-opisanie-kak-proyavlyaetsya-kak-perezhit.html
https://razvitie-krohi.ru/psihologiya-detey/krizis-treh-let.html

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