Why conflicts occur in the family: their causes and prevention

Causes of family conflicts

Participants in a family conflict often do not have a sufficient degree of awareness and reflection skills to clearly and honestly determine the essence of the problem that has arisen, however, at the everyday level, conflicts almost always have easily identifiable causes.

The most common causes of conflict in the family:

different views on how to build a family;
sexual or emotional dissatisfaction;
alcoholism;
betrayal;
reluctance to participate in arranging life and raising children;
lack of money, everyday problems;
mismatch of interests and temperaments.

Prevention of marital quarrels

Resolving conflict successfully and avoiding it in the future are skills that can be learned. Prevention of family conflicts involves discussing plans, goals, readiness to change, and mutual concessions.

Several ways to prevent conflict:

Don't focus on the little things. It is important to learn to separate real problems from minor troubles. For example, a partner has harmless habits that are sometimes annoying. In this case, it is better not to pay attention to them than to enter into an argument that could develop into a tragedy.
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Appreciate your partner. In this situation, you should focus on the positive qualities of your spouse and do not be shy about complimenting and sincerely thanking them.
Allow mistakes to be made. No one is perfect, and everyone has the right to make mistakes. Never bring up past failures.
Find time for each other. The habit of doing things together, spending leisure time together, and having common hobbies is beneficial for relationships.
Do not allow family, friends, or other people to interfere in family relationships.

A happy marriage is a daily work that requires wisdom and patience. Love, support, and most importantly, the desire to preserve the relationship will help you find an approach to each other and minimize the consequences of the conflict, or even avoid it altogether .

Typology of family conflicts

From a scientific point of view, the causes of family conflicts formulated in “everyday” language can be considered as signs of their types.

In one family, throughout its existence, different types of family conflicts can occur simultaneously or at different stages of the family’s life:

physiological – discrepancy in biorhythms, discrepancy in needs for rest and sleep;
psychosexual – discrepancy in intimate needs;
status-role – the desire to put oneself above one’s partner, a discrepancy in views on who should be the “head of the family”;
emotional – perceived lack of attention, lack of necessary emotions;
value – discrepancy in the fundamental principles of life.

The impact of family conflicts on a child

Children exposed to conflict situations in the family are at risk. A conflict situation in the family has a uniquely destructive effect on children.

Among the negative consequences of conflict situations:

difficulties of an emotional and behavioral nature, difficulties interacting with others, including peers, brothers and sisters, teachers, family members, and eventually lovers;
problems at school due to the negative impact of being in a conflict environment on cognitive and concentration abilities;
health problems, including sleep problems, digestion problems, headaches and abdominal pain, fatigue, growth retardation.

It is also known that patterns of conflict in the family pass from generation to generation, and the reason is not only in genes. A conflict situation in the family affects developmental processes, including brain development, which leads to behavioral and emotional difficulties. The genetic connection between parents and children does not play a role in this case.

Often, parents in difficult relationships think that the worst experience for their children will be divorce. However, we now know that some children cope better with their parents' divorce than others, and the key is whether the parents had conflict while married rather than whether they separated. Life “in conditions of war” has the most detrimental effect on the emotional state of a child. Children are especially upset when they or problems related to them become the cause of the quarrel.

Children are not used to conflict. The longer they are exposed to a conflict situation, the more sensitive they become to it and the more susceptible they are to the negative effects of conflict.

Crisis periods of family life

The frequency and severity of disagreements between husband and wife increases significantly during crisis periods of family development. Conventionally, these periods can be classified into 4 stages of family relationships.

The first period is the first year of marriage of the spouses. This is a period of getting used to each other. The period of courtship and falling in love ends. Difficulties faced by newlyweds:

financial difficulties;
living conditions;
distribution of functions and responsibilities;
decreased level of romance;
difficulties in the relationship between spouses and parents (the problem is especially acute when living together).

The second crisis period begins with the birth of a child. Despite the emotional uplift associated with the appearance of the first child, spouses may experience discord due to:

a decrease in a woman’s sexual activity due to constant fatigue, anxiety, and the need to care for a child;
changing the usual way of life;
limiting the professional growth of the spouse;
distribution of household responsibilities;
disagreements regarding the child's upbringing.

The third period occurs during the midlife crisis of the spouses. Conflicts can arise due to mutual satiety. The level of sex life decreases, betrayal and quarrels based on jealousy are possible.

The fourth period occurs when the child leaves the family. Quarrels can arise due to loneliness, monotony and monotony of family life.

Family conflicts and ways to resolve them

A conflict can have a constructive beginning - in the case when it is realized, recognized out loud as existing and worked through, when one side does not “pull the blanket over itself”, but tries to solve the problem by satisfying the needs of the partner, as well as its own, relates to the partner attentively and respectfully. Otherwise, family conflict becomes destructive.

Destructive conflicts involve:

physical or verbal aggression;
silent grievances;
avoiding a dispute, an attempt to “turn a blind eye” to the existence of a problem.

The last two points need to be emphasized. Conflict is not only an open showdown. Conflict in the family can be masked under neutral and outwardly polite communication. Refusal to resolve an urgent conflict situation also only fuels the conflict.

Couples who find solutions to conflict and find positive solutions even in the midst of conflict are raising children who are less likely to develop emotional and behavioral difficulties. But conflict resolution must be sincere. Children are not deceived by words that the problem has been resolved and mom and dad are not angry with each other if they do not see it with their own eyes. Parents must back up their words with actions.

Often, participants in a conflict cannot objectively explain its cause or look at themselves from the outside. Family psychotherapy can help couples.

The psychotherapist develops recommendations for changing negative habits and ideas that become causes of conflicts, teaches methods of self-regulation and at the same time educates about the psychological causes and consequences of conflicts in the family.

The work of a psychotherapist is aimed not only at resolving problems that have arisen, at explaining why conflicts occur in the family, but also at preventing them. The psychotherapist teaches how to avoid conflicts in the family.

In general, the goals of family psychotherapy are:

identify ideas of family members that contribute to conflict situations;
change ideas and habits that provoke intrafamily conflict;
model ways to resolve specific conflict situations;
transform the views of family members on the conflict from individual-personal to coordinated;
reduce the degree of emotional involvement of the family in the behavior of one of its members;
work on behavioral stereotypes taken from the parental family, interrupt the transition of a conflict family model between generations.

The efforts of all adults should be aimed at preventing conflicts in the family. Parents must create a healthy environment in the family, raise children in the traditions of mutual trust, openness, goodwill, willingness to help, and, above all, set an example for children through their own relationships - built on love and respect.

TOP 5 family conflicts: raising children

https://youtu.be/6bZDEKoDL1c

Resolution paths

In the union of two people with their own views and beliefs, habits and expectations, family quarrels and marital conflicts are inevitable. By choosing a behavior model, you can start a process that will lead to loneliness and isolation, or, conversely, help you cope with the problem by improving relationships. Confronting your partner with grace and tact requires wisdom and patience.

Basic steps to resolve conflicts:

Dialogue. The essence is the ability not only to speak, but also to listen, understand the opinion of another person, and ask questions. What the outcome of the quarrel will be depends on the spouses who are ready to make contact and hear each other.
Knowledge, acceptance and adjustment of differences between partners. Very often situations arise when people who are completely different in temperament, worldview, and lifestyle begin to live together, as they say, “opposites attract.” But if you can ignore this at the beginning of your life’s journey, then after a certain period of time this feature can become a cause of conflicts and quarrels. It is important to understand the differences from each other, accept them and try to adapt by finding a compromise.
Victory over egoism. Marriage is a relationship that is built over time. In order to preserve them, you need to learn to put your partner’s interests above your own, learn to support and forgive. It is important to listen and hear the other person. Very often, to resolve a conflict, it is enough to take the first step and admit your mistake. Giving “victory” to another in family life does not mean “failing.” And the “sacrifice” as a result becomes joy in the form of good and trusting relationships.
Do not get personal or insulting. People who have been married for many years can study each other very well and sometimes know the deepest desires and sides of the soul. In a fit of anger, you can say a lot of hurtful words that deeply hurt and leave a mark on the soul. Such behavior can cause irreparable harm to future relationships and become a point of no return. Therefore, it is important to control emotions and words.