Loneliness or freedom?
Happy life, freedom and girls
Among your friends there are a couple of pretty girls and you seem to want to start a relationship, but you just can’t fall in love. Many admit that they feel more comfortable alone, but sometimes they want warmth and affection. If your personal life is not going well, you inevitably begin to delve into yourself. Why have your friends already started relationships or even families, but you are still alone? Let's look at the reasons.
Falling in love throws us into each other's arms, forcing us to think about a person for days on end. This is a wonderful feeling about which many novels have been written. The evolutionary tool encourages you to start relationships, get married and have children. Falling in love envelops you like a warm blanket, giving you a feeling of trepidation in the presence of the object of your adoration.
The partnership of lovers is wonderful:
- Man is a social being, and living as a couple at least is much easier and more pleasant;
- No matter how pretentious it may sound, kinship of souls is happiness;
- Sex with loved ones brings special emotions than a one-time intimate relationship.
One person is not at all bothered by the fact that he cannot fall in love. But for others, this is a good reason for frustration and even depression. The internal state must be worked out, because everything is in your head.
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How to find out about his feelings
If this happens, the girl realizes that she has fallen in love with her best friend, the first thing that begins to worry is whether the young man will want to change the role of a comrade to a beloved guy. You need to think about it: perhaps your feelings did not arise out of nowhere; they are a consequence of the fact that a friend has been experiencing loving affection for a long time and showing signs of attention. It is possible that the guy himself is afraid to talk about what is in his heart, he does not want to risk friendly relations, because this way he may be left alone. In such a situation, it would be a good idea to talk with mutual friends, just do it not directly, but try to carefully find out. It is possible that they themselves will begin to tell you that a friend is somehow especially looking in your direction or showing concern. They have long guessed about his feelings.
Friends communicate closely and spend a lot of time together. In order to understand what is in a friend’s heart, you just need to observe his manners, behavior, and gaze.
- A young man never turns his back to you.
- Almost constantly looks straight into the eyes.
- He doesn’t talk about his ex-girlfriends or his victories over them.
- People around you will behave differently than they do around friends.
- The guy often gives “friendly” gifts.
- The young man tries to spend as much time as possible next to you.
- The guy is interested in your life and helps in case of trouble.
- Shows obvious concern and is worried about you.
Know yourself
No matter how difficult it may be, you will have to look inside yourself in search of an answer to the question of why this happened to you. Consider the following questions:
- Why does a stranger, a stranger, seem more attractive to you than your boyfriend?
- Are you satisfied with your relationship with your boyfriend?
- Why exactly is a friend better than your boyfriend? What are its positive features?
- Perhaps you want to assert yourself as a woman by conquering another man?
- Did you fall in love with a friend at first sight or did this feeling appear gradually?
Editor's choice: How to develop a relationship with a girl: expert advice
To confess or not
If you know that your friend isn't dating anyone right now, it might be time to talk about your feelings. What can push you to this is that the guy often, supposedly as a joke, hugs, kisses on the cheek, and tries in every possible way to protect. You must understand that you will not be able to hide your feelings for a long time, because they will become too obvious. Well, why bother and try to hide something, it’s better to tell everything honestly.
Of course, it is possible that your friend will be stunned; it turns out that he does not feel anything close to that. In some cases, a young man will simply need time to think about everything; perhaps he himself has long ago changed his attitude towards you, but is afraid to admit it to himself.
The girl must be prepared for the fact that after everything becomes known, she may lose her boyfriend forever. After all, in a situation where one friend’s feelings have grown into love, but the other’s have not, there is nothing else left. Here, in essence, either the feelings turn out to be mutual, and the couple starts dating, or the friends break up, the girl suffers, but over time she meets new love.
Sometimes a young man who does not feel love may agree to become a boyfriend and girlfriend because he does not want to lose a friend in you. Over time, he will either fall in love or understand the meaninglessness of your intimacy, then you will have to break up.
Love or infatuation
It is very important to be able to recognize the feeling that you really experience. Falling in love will pass with time, but love can leave a scar in the soul for life, and also regret that you never decided to change your life.
If your relationship with a guy doesn’t suit you, you feel like you’re missing something, but you don’t want to break up so as not to offend the guy - a sure sign that you’re ready to break up. No matter how good your boyfriend is, if you don’t love him, you will only suffer next to him, and at the same time, torment him. The only thing that stops girls from breaking up completely is fear! Fear of the unknown, fear of being left alone, fear of being left without material support. In this case, you shouldn’t hide behind pity for your boyfriend, because if there was a 100% guarantee that a new relationship would work out, you would have been with your friend a long time ago. The only thing stopping you is not knowing how your friend will perceive your feelings.
Possible methods
- In the presence of a friend, do not think about your former boyfriends. We can say that you dream of starting a serious relationship with a man like him.
- Invite a friend to a party. Here he will be able to see you in a new light, because you will visit the hairdresser and put on a beautiful outfit. Pre-arrange with a friend whom your friend does not know, so that during the party she will come up and note how beautiful your couple is. And here the main thing is to monitor your friend’s reaction. If he immediately starts to deny your relationship, it means he treats you like a friend. If he remains silent, then you will remain silent. At the end of the party, be sure to retire and tell him about it. Note that you would really make a great couple, I wonder what it would be like if you started dating.
- Change your usual environment, you can invite a friend to play tennis or go to the movies, like in a friendly way. Try to create such meetings as often as possible, to be together more.
- If your friend does not yet know everything about your hidden talents, perhaps now is the time to demonstrate them to him, to open up in a new way.
- Touch him often. Let it be minor touches, straighten his bangs, pat him on the shoulder. Perhaps emotions will awaken in him, the guy will feel the pleasure of your closeness.
- Don't hesitate to ask him for help. Afterwards, be sure to say thank you. It is important for a man to feel his strength and feel that he is needed.
- The most effective way: you can kiss your friend directly on the lips and see his reaction. If a young man has been suffering from love for a long time, he will reciprocate, pressing his lips even harder. If it comes as a shock to him, you can always say that something has come over you. Let this event be preceded by some positive emotions.
- Sometimes no hints help to convey to the guy the awareness of what is in your heart. In this case, all that remains is to speak directly about your feelings, knowing about possible reactions.
A little theory
At a young age, the question “why can’t I fall in love?” rarely arises. This feeling happens with a snap of your fingers. As teenagers, we see the world through rose-colored glasses. Young men have not yet been burned after the first rejection of a girl or a painful breakup. First love at this time is built on maximalism. You don’t yet realize that falling in love is not always a rosy feeling that can last forever.
The first love wound makes you treat others with suspicion. A person begins to take a closer look at people, increasingly benefiting himself. I want to give less and more and receive more. Pain prevents you from being happy.
Falling in love is born in our heart when we are ready for it. The most important thing is when we are kind to others. Falling in love and love are built on dedication. A person who wants to consume more from another than to give will not be able to experience this feeling.
Without showing compassion to others, a person dooms himself to the absence of a deep feeling of falling in love. Try to show empathy for a child or a sick old woman who needs help.
Therefore, if you have a question: why can’t I fall in love, then try to learn to show compassion for your neighbor, because it expands the heart. Open up to the world and you will definitely meet your love.
There are several main problems why a man cannot fall in love.
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Workload
Let's say you study at university or work and have practically no free time. Plus family responsibilities, for example, paying off my mother’s loan, taking my grandmother to the doctor, helping my father with repairs, etc. You can't fall in love because you just don't care.
No matter how much you want to experience this wonderful feeling, all your energy is spent on responsibilities and affairs. Even if you consider relationships and building your family to be the main value, you simply do not have enough emotional resources for this.
You need to prioritize. You might be able to set aside a couple of hours a week to go on a date with a girl. What if she becomes the one?
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Bad parenting experiences
All psychological problems come from childhood. Growing up, a person copies the behavior model of his parents. Of course, there are exceptions when people do the opposite. If you have seen your father cheating on your mother or beating her for years, one way or another this will be imprinted in your mind and will lead to problems in your personal life in the future. The unhappy life of parents makes one realize that one should run far away from relationships and marriage, as, in fact, from falling in love. It’s better to close yourself off, create a cocoon and be left alone. It's better for the psyche.
If you understand that this is your situation, then this is already a huge step towards success. Most people live unconsciously, not understanding why they never got to experience that very love. People brush it off, saying that they simply haven’t found the very object of adoration that can melt their heart. It happens that a person does not gain excess weight on purpose, or neglects himself in other ways in order to repel the attention of the opposite sex.
If your parents did not show you that the relationship between a man and a woman is not suffering, but happiness, then it is quite understandable why you don’t want to build something that will cause pain. It's all about fear, which needs to be worked through, preferably with a psychotherapist. These are quite deep-seated traumas and it will be difficult to unravel the tangle of problems on your own.
The fact is that your focus has shifted to the negative. Chat with happy families. Surely you have friends around you who are in love and happy with their soulmate. Understand, only you build your destiny, despite painful memories.
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Peer pressure
It’s unlikely that anyone wants to follow annoying advice from friends or family members. If your mother tells you every day how much she wants grandchildren, or a friend repeats at every meeting about when he will meet your girlfriend, it’s no wonder why you can’t fall in love. Society already puts a lot of pressure on men, and here comes this. There is a feeling that falling in love means following a lead.
Purebred girls
It is important to separate yourself not only from your parents, but also from society, which imposes its standards. Consider only your desires and needs. Before going to bed, don’t go through a series of thoughts that you must earn millions, because you are a man, you must fall in love, otherwise you will always be single, and single people are not taken seriously, or it’s a matter of married people...
It is important not to protest with the opinions of others, but to figure out whose words are really important and truthful to you. But above all, listen to yourself. Maybe now is just not the time for a romantic relationship.
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Asexuality
There is an opinion that if you are in love, you should want to have sex every day, or even several times. And if you are not burning with this desire, then you are somehow different. It seems to you that such a situation would not suit any woman and for this reason you do not even allow the thought of falling in love.
Asexuality is very multifaceted. One person can be attracted to another and still not want sex at all. Never. And another will desire intimacy only at certain periods in life. This may depend on hormonal characteristics or the presence of psychological problems. There are people who consciously refuse sex and live happy lives.
Lack of desire for sex does not mean that a person is not ready to fall in love. There are married couples who raise children, run a household together, but have not had sex for a long time. At the same time, both love each other.
Yes, most likely you will encounter a lot of misunderstandings from the opposite sex, especially if you have chosen the path of completely eliminating sex from your life. In order not to mislead the other person, it is better to talk about your choice right away.
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Depression
Relationships are a very energy-consuming thing. The inability to fall in love is often a consequence of depression. During this period, there is a decrease in energy and a reluctance to receive happiness. A person who is depressed cannot make his bed, let alone fall in love. In this case, there is only one way out - a psychotherapist.
If, in a state of depression, you still find the strength to go for a walk or go to a cafe with friends, then everything is not so bad. Dating will help pull you out of this state and fill your life with bright colors. Not to mention falling in love, which puts rose-colored glasses on any pessimist.
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Refusal of real life in favor of virtuality
If you survey couples about the history of their acquaintance, the majority will answer that the relationship began on the Internet. The Internet is a comfort zone. Being in the virtual world every day, we simply lose the habit of falling in love in life. Very often, having idealized a person through a monitor screen, complete disappointment occurs upon meeting.
Communicating with a girl on the Internet does not require the same effort as in real life. After all, you don’t have to worry about your appearance, you don’t have to make compromises and give in, as you would have to in personal relationships. It is much easier to start a virtual romance than a real one.
First of all, the Internet interlocutor gives us the basis for visualization. Understand that you are not talking to a real girl, but to a projection. Having felt super-closeness with her, you may be very disappointed on the first date.
It is possible to fall in love on the Internet, but how long it will last, before the first meeting or for life, is a matter of luck.
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Disappointment after a previous relationship
It is difficult to be charmed by a new person if the image of your ex-girlfriend does not leave you. It’s like you’re stuck between two worlds: you seem to want to forget yourself, but you’re still waiting for a call or a message from her.
Breakups are a difficult, painful period. The psyche turns on protective barriers and, as it were, prohibits falling in love with a new person, so as not to feel suffering again. And as soon as a pretty lady appears on the horizon, you are already running headlong, so as not to again fall into the swamp called “falling in love.”
The advice here is this: you need time. Each person must go through all the stages of separation and only then will it become easier. Someone prefers to follow the saying “knocks out fire with fire” and goes into a new relationship. But it’s better to devote time to yourself, your development and relaxation, so that you can painlessly fall in love with a new person and not sigh for your ex.
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Narcissism
“What muscles, what a smile – I’m just in great demand among the girls.” If you are too fixated on your appearance and achievements, then falling in love is possible, but only with yourself.
Narcissists are individuals whose attention is focused solely on themselves. Such people are not at all capable of tenderness, empathy and tenderness. It’s strange to hear words like this from narcissistic men: “she has such beautiful eyes that I fell in love with at first sight.”
All life goals revolve exclusively around the narcissist. Any of their hobbies with the opposite sex are extremely superficial. Narcissists find it very difficult to connect deeply and fall in love.
If you have these tendencies, then most likely your personality type is a narcissist. If you are asking the question “why can’t I fall in love,” then try to shift the focus from yourself to women. Girls love it when a man admires them, and not himself.
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Amorousness
“I also like this cute work colleague and this girlfriend, and I would also hook up with her friend” - if you think something like this, then you are simply too amorous. Next to the ladies you like, you feel high spirits, but you understand that nothing will happen beyond flirting. More precisely, you cannot show true love, but are scattered among several objects. This can be called sympathy, but not falling in love.
With this option, don't get too hung up on the relationship. It’s just that your time has not come yet, and when it comes, you will definitely feel it. If an object of adoration appears in your environment, you will immediately distinguish falling in love from ordinary sympathy.
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Emotional burnout
Loans are not paid, bosses demand a bunch of reports, there is not enough money, but your head is only thinking about rest? You are experiencing emotional burnout. As mentioned earlier, relationships require a lot of energy and strength.
It is very difficult to fall in love in such a state. Moral exhaustion leads to failure in all areas of life. Therefore, there is only one way out - proper rest. It’s better to change the situation and not just sit at home, but go on a trip. If there is no financial opportunity, then it doesn’t matter.
Combine active and passive types of recreation. On Monday, go bowling, on Tuesday, attend a training session, on Wednesday, go to the gym, and on Thursday, go to the sauna, on Friday, go for a bike ride, and spend the weekend with friends or family. Spend your vacation as intensely as possible and recharge yourself with new emotions. Staying at home is not the best option. Maybe during the period of vacation and emotional upsurge you will meet your beloved.
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Hanging demands on your beloved
Criticism of yourself, as well as of others, is good in moderation. It is very difficult to fall in love if you dictate a high standard for your chosen one: an 18-year-old beauty, smart, hard-working, thrifty, without children and with a dowry - that’s what you think.
First of all, get rid of excessive perfectionism. You just need to lower your standards for girls a little. Believe me, not everyone falls in love with beautiful legs or the fact that she cooks borscht so well. You can be driven crazy by a girl you wouldn't even look at.
Low self-esteem
If some people can’t fall in love because of excessive demands, then for others the barrier to falling in love is low self-esteem.
You forbid yourself to think that someone might like you. How is it possible, you don’t have a muscular body, and your job is so-so, and you don’t have an apartment yet. How can a girl fall in love with you if you don't even have a car? With such thoughts you give up happiness to others. It’s not for nothing that they say that first a person must love himself, and only after that, someone else will love him. Appreciate and love yourself, be proud of even the smallest achievements, be confident in yourself. Women love confident people.
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Distrust of people
“Trust, but verify” - everyone knows this saying. But it happens that a person cannot open up even to the closest people, closing himself off. Something traumatized him and he chose to create his own little world and retire to it.
Maybe you did not receive the proper warmth and care from your parents that you really needed. And now, as an adult, you are sure that you are not worthy of love at all. Or maybe it’s all due to an unsuccessful relationship where you were betrayed and abandoned.
A person with trust issues will put up a wall in anticipation of even the slightest sympathy. Unfortunately, you can only work through this conflict with a psychotherapist.
Fear of responsibility
Men who are afraid to fall in love are most often simply afraid of responsibility. This is certainly not marriage, but still. The girl gets attached, and suddenly you get bored with her. What then? Your pity, her tears and breakup? It's better not to fall in love at all.
At the same time, such guys are hiding from adult life. The conflict lies in the incorrect upbringing of parents or excessive overprotection. Such men are afraid to make independent decisions and run away from choice.
You need to get rid of your bias, just relax and give in to your feelings. Let yourself fall in love!
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The grass is greener
Over time, any relationship becomes boring and loses its edge. When a girl’s needs for emotions, attention, and sex are ignored for a long time, she begins to create the ideal image of the man she is looking for in those around her. And he finds it in the “first person he meets” - his boyfriend’s friend. It is he who appears in the halo of a savior, it is with him that she will be happy until the end of her days!
However, this is just a fantasy! Unfortunately, instead of solving the problems that arose in their relationship with a guy, girls often choose the easier way - to succumb to temptation. And at first the relationship will be wonderful (just as it was with the ex-boyfriend), and after that the passion will pass and it will be replaced by gray everyday life. But I really wanted the best! But conflicts, quarrels and misunderstandings begin again. That’s when the realization comes that the new guy is not ideal at all!
