How to survive the death of your mother: advice and commentary from a psychologist

“The day you truly become yourself is the day you lose your parents.”

Henri de Monterlant

How to cope with the death of your mother? Talking about the death of someone close to you is never easy. Especially if we are talking about the dearest person. It is impossible to come to terms with such a loss. Mom is support, understanding, care, forgiveness, love. There are no more such people in the world, and there never will be. But we must continue to live.

The first step is to realize that each of us at some point buries our parents. This is the natural course of things. And although no advice will reduce the pain of loss, it is important to read the opinions of psychologists on this matter. You must know how to build your life further, what to rely on, where to find an outlet, how to let go.

Stages of Accepting Grief

To accept what happened, a person must go through several stages.

Shock

Most often, a person is shocked when his mother dies. This happens not only to children, whose parents are most often still young and die unexpectedly. Even adults, having learned about the sad event, are in a state of shock: most people do not think that their parents’ lives will one day end. Even if the mother has been suffering from an incurable disease for a long time and the approximate time of her death is indicated by doctors, people often hope that life will last a little longer.

A defensive reaction of the psyche is observed. Often, the children of a deceased woman cry, scream, and experience severe nervous excitement. It is also possible that inhibition reactions predominate: a person withdraws, becomes emotionally cold, may fall into a stupor, and think more slowly. This condition is necessary to alleviate pain.

Negation

Then the denial stage begins. A person refuses to perceive the reality of his mother’s death, because the consciousness does not want to put up with the thought of loss. Often a person left without a parent convinces himself that what is happening is just a bad dream. He may express his feelings and emotions in words or try to convince himself mentally. Sometimes the condition becomes so severe that others have doubts about the mental health of the person who has lost his mother.

Anger and resentment

Then comes anger, a feeling of resentment. If a woman was sick or was the victim of an accident, her son or daughter may blame the doctors who failed to cure the pathology as the culprits of the incident. Sometimes there is a desire to take revenge, to hurt these people. If the cause is old age, negative emotions may have no object. Questions about why this happened, why this happened, are not one-time questions: they can persist for a long period of time. Occasionally, children become angry with the deceased herself for her death.

Irritation may intensify if the loss is accompanied by financial difficulties: the need to pay debts and loans.

Such a reaction occurs because a person feels helpless: he cannot resist death or avoid it. Anger is a reaction to fear, the realization that every person will one day die.

Guilt

When the anger passes, a feeling of guilt arises. A person may consider himself guilty because he upset his mother in some way during his lifetime, committed some actions that she did not approve of, paid little attention, rarely came to visit or called, talked about love, or helped. People often claim that they would change a lot in their behavior if they had the opportunity to live part of their life when their mother was still alive again. Possible scenarios will be constantly repeated in the imagination, sometimes such thoughts become obsessive.

They stop looking for the culprit: now attention is directed to oneself, self-digging is characteristic. This is explained by the desire to control what is happening, an overestimation of the ability to influence surrounding events

Depression

The suffering becomes the most intense. Often the pain is not only emotional, but also physical, and somatic symptoms are added. A person may cry often, react painfully to any mention of loss, and often cannot control emotions. The option when feelings are lived in silence is considered more severe: often those around them do not even realize that their relative, friend or colleague is suffering. In the most severe cases, people lose the meaning of life and stop believing that anything good is still possible in their lives.

Acceptance and reorganization

A person is emotionally aware of the death of his mother. He understands that life goes on, makes plans for the future, begins to devote more time to communicating with friends, achieving work goals, and restores lost social contacts and his former way of life. Depression ends after the death of the mother, and is replaced by a less strong feeling - melancholy, sadness. What happened is not completely forgotten, but the trace left by the tragedy does not interfere with living on.

Death that brings relief

43-year-old Victoria lived with Mikhail for less than two years and broke up with him shortly before their son was born. She broke up, although she continued to love, because their life together turned into a nightmare. Which, however, also did not end with separation. A charming man and a promising artist, Mikhail was an alcoholic. He tried to quit several times, but each breakdown turned out to be more and more terrible. Eventually, alcohol became scarce, and Mikhail turned to drugs. “I remember exactly - when they called me and said that Misha had committed suicide, my first thought was: “Finally!” – recalls Victoria. “I no longer had to constantly drag him out from the police or from the hospital, lend him money, lie to his unfortunate mother that he was on a business trip, listen to nonsense on the phone at three in the morning. And to be afraid that this nonsense will cover him when he once again remembers that he has a son and comes to visit. But I loved him. I loved you all this time. Why didn’t I stay with him and try to save him?”

Victoria knows that saving Mikhail was beyond her strength - she tried more than once or twice. But, like many of us, he idealizes a deceased loved one and feels all the more acutely his guilt towards him, even if this guilt is imaginary. “In such situations, it is more appropriate to talk not about relief, but about another feeling - liberation,” notes Varvara Sidorova. “It comes when relationships were built on the principle of “love-hate, leave-stay.” And as we deal with the loss—and our reaction—it’s important to recognize the true nature of the relationship.”

Psychoanalyst Virginie Megglé recommends not analyzing your feelings in the first days and weeks after a loss, simply accepting their ambiguity. “Understanding will come later, as you stop being embarrassed by the fact that your life is not completely filled with nothing but grief,” she says. To recognize ambivalence means to stop being afraid of the fact that we felt both hatred and love for a person, the psychologist is sure: “But even if we hated him, then it becomes clear to us that we loved him and cannot demand more from ourselves. This recognition is necessary to accomplish the work of grief that accompanies every loss.”

In situations of loss in ambivalent relationships, the grief mechanism often fails. “We begin to mourn the deceased, but suddenly we remember how much pain he caused us, and anger replaces tears. And then we come to our senses and are ashamed of this anger,” Varvara Sidorova lists. “As a result, none of the feelings are fully experienced, and we risk being stuck in one or another stage of grief.”

When should you see a psychologist?

Despair

When depression reaches such a stage as despair, and the widower is not able to independently go through all the stages of living the pain from the death of her husband or wife, it is time to turn to a psychologist or psychiatrist. The choice of specialist depends on the psychological state of the widower. Despair can develop into severe mental disorders. Psychologists can cope with post-traumatic syndrome and neuroses, but only a psychiatrist can cure more severe mental disorders, such as phobias, obsessive states, psychoses that reach schizophrenia. If loved ones notice alarming symptoms in the behavior of a widower, they should sound the alarm and not let the situation take its course.

Suicidal thoughts

Due to the loss of a husband or wife, the psyche is destabilized. Some begin to feel that the best solution is voluntary death. Thoughts of suicide bring out the strongest negativity on others. This is why those who have been trying to help a widower for a long time often begin to distance themselves from him: it is very difficult to resist negative attitudes. Close ones abstract themselves, trying to instinctively protect themselves from destructive negativity. This can be a fatal mistake, since the psyche of a person who has experienced the death of his wife or husband can push him to commit suicide. Such people urgently need qualified help. Under no circumstances should you turn away from a person in such a state, it is dangerous for his life. According to statistics, most suicides occur due to the death of loved ones.

Denial of loss

This is a defense mechanism that tends to take different forms. It can be expressed in denial of the very fact of death, its significance or irreversibility. After the loss of a loved one, one way or another destroys the connection with the deceased, but sometimes the psyche fails, and he unconsciously tries to get in touch with the deceased: out of habit, he begins to call him, talk about him as if he were alive, and see him in the crowd.

In some cases, widowers try to keep everything as it was with the deceased. For example, husbands leave their wife's dressing room in the same condition as when she was alive, putting her things in the same places. This behavior is normal for the first time after the funeral; it creates a kind of “buffer” that softens the loss. However, if this continues for months or years, you should consult a psychologist, since denial of loss can develop into more serious psychological disorders.

Uncontrollable emotional reactions

Against the background of stress, inappropriate emotional reactions may occur: hysterics, uncontrollable laughter, tears over “trifles.” For example, a woman who has lost her husband may cry for hours over a broken plate or laugh in a completely inappropriate situation. This is due to the suppression of emotions. If a widower is not able to fully give vent to his mental stress, it may manifest itself in an inadequate form. Such deviations are characteristic of introverts who cannot share their experiences with others. In order for a person of a closed personality type to fully experience grief, he needs the help of a psychologist.

Extreme weight loss

This symptom indicates that a person is unable to perform basic everyday tasks. The death of a wife or husband is so unsettling that the spouse forgets to take care of himself and maintain important biological functions. Loss of appetite is common to people who have experienced a serious shock in life. But when this period drags on, and even external changes in the body are already evident, you need to seek help.

How and why does guilt arise?

Alexandra Imasheva.
Photo: facebook.com/alexandra.imasheva The feeling of guilt when losing a neighbor always arises. This is a normal reaction to the death of a loved one. Almost everyone who experiences a loss experiences a feeling of guilt towards the deceased.

This feeling can take different forms: guilt for the relief experienced, that the terrible, difficult period of illness of a loved one has ended (it turns out, the person thinks that his death was the payment for my liberation, and I rejoice at it). Most often, guilt arises for something that seems to have not been done or not done completely (the wrong doctor was called, the wrong doctor was treated).

It may be tormented by guilt for the injustice that was committed (or allegedly committed) in relation to the deceased during his lifetime: they rarely visited him, called him little, took poor care, and now nothing can be corrected.

There is even a feeling of guilt because your neighbor died and you live, “but he was better than me.”

Sometimes the feeling of guilt comes second, for example, first there is anger at the deceased - why did you leave me?! - or on God (fate) - why did God take him?! - and then guilt immediately sets in: how can I think like that, what a bastard I am. The feeling of guilt will find something to cling to.

It is extremely rare that feelings of guilt actually have some basis. For example, if our neighbor was very sick and did not want to be treated, and we followed his lead because we did not want to bother with him. And so he died, and we feel guilty.

Or if his illness imposed some restrictions on him (for example, in food), and we ignored them and fed him everything, which led to an exacerbation of the disease and death.

Or if he suffered greatly from your quarrel and wanted to make peace, but you refused him this, and this greatly darkened his last days and hours.

In such rare cases of justified guilt, confession and repentance for a believer or a psychologist for an atheist will help.

But usually the guilt that almost inevitably comes after the death of a loved one is completely irrational.

It is also experienced by psychologists who are well aware of the mechanism by which this feeling arises and its groundlessness. “I understand everything,” says the psychologist, “I know why this happens, I can sort it out, but I still feel guilty after my mother’s death: I admitted her to the wrong hospital, brought the wrong medicine.” But my mother was 89 years old, and she survived three heart attacks. Irrational guilt attaches itself to any possible reason listed above and begins to gnaw at the person.

Why does it arise?

Image from edition.cnn.com

Death is a huge event, beyond our control and completely unknown to us. It’s as if we are looking into an impenetrable abyss.

When we experience the death of a neighbor, then, firstly, we feel that we cannot do anything, cannot prevent it in any way, and secondly, we inevitably understand: the same thing awaits us ourselves.

Our psyche finds itself in a very difficult situation of complete loss of control over what is happening, absolute helplessness and the experience of complete uncertainty. Existential fear arises, returning us to certain primary meanings: who am I and why am I living if my life will inevitably end too.

This leads us to a huge, all-consuming horror that is simply unbearable: give it free rein, it will drive you crazy. How is it possible – I won’t be here!

The horror of meeting death “face to face” is so strong that it is easier for us to experience unpleasant feelings of guilt or anger, just to cover up this fear.

The defense mechanisms of the psyche operate outside of our desire and awareness: first, shock and denial “turn on”, which make us “not see” death, then anger and guilt flare up.

Feelings of guilt and anger over the death of a loved one are the psyche’s response to one’s own helplessness, the inability to “control” death

The feeling of guilt in this case is a compensatory feeling, which is intended, at least in an illusory form, to return to us the ability to control what is happening. It is easier for us to feel guilty that we did not get the necessary medications (an action that we can take control of!) and thus did not prevent death (the illusion of control over death!), than to frankly admit to ourselves that we could not do anything help ensure that the person does not die.

In other cases, guilt is a form of experiencing the irreversibility of what happened and understanding that nothing can be changed. This is again a loss of control over what is happening, which is unbearable for us. For example, if during my mother-in-law’s life we quarreled with her, but knew that in principle we could make peace, then after her death this opportunity was gone forever. Gone out of our control. And this loss of power over reality is experienced by us as a feeling of guilt for unrealized opportunities.

For exactly the same reason, when a neighbor dies, a feeling of anger arises. This is the psyche’s response to its own complete helplessness, its furious protest.

And anger can “catch on” to anything that seems adequate to our psyche: anger at the deceased (how could he leave me!?), anger at God (how could He take him away!?), anger at the doctors (why didn’t they save ?!). But ultimately, all this is just a reaction of our psyche to our absolute helplessness in the face of death.

Of course, it is much easier for believers to cope with both the death of their neighbor and thoughts about their own mortality. In the minds of a believer, death is not the end and disappearance, but a transition to another form of existence, so there remains hope for a meeting with the departed, for reconciliation with them, and, most importantly, the belief that even death will not make you completely disappear.

Tip four: avoid self-flagellation

Emotional gluttony is a problem that does not come alone. Usually, emotional gluttony (like any other peculiar offense) is followed by an attack of severe self-flagellation

. Often, self-flagellation and self-criticism from the inner voice never stops, turning our life into a real hell.

What can we usually say to ourselves at such moments? "You can never stop"

,
“You’re a loser (loser)”
,
“It’s all your fault, there’s something wrong with you!”
and much more that you sometimes don’t hear even
from ill-wishers
. To say that such thoughts make us despondent is to say nothing.

Even if such a thought only appeared in your head and immediately disappeared, it will leave behind a mark that will corrode your self-esteem, your very life, leaving a deeper and deeper mark.

(just like some kind of acid). Needless to say, such moments are not in vain, significantly reducing the quality of our life, making it sometimes unbearable!

There are useful psychological tactics that can cope with such thoughts:

as soon as another mercilessly lashing thought about your inferiority arises in your head, try to distance yourself from your personality, imagining that you are a person who looks at all this from the outside. And instead of saying to yourself something like “I did/did wrong again,” say in the third person: “He/she did/did wrong,” referring to yourself.

What does such an outside view give? This trick may seem too complicated or pointless to you. In fact, if you learn it, it doesn't seem to help you overcome emotional eating.

. At first glance, this is what it looks like. However, you will stop beating yourself up, which means that you will begin to suffer less in this regard.

It is extremely important not only to overcome attacks of psychogenic overeating with the help of psychologists or on your own. Equally important is the need to stop negative thoughts that are directed against one’s own personality.

Give yourself a chance to breathe calmly, feel better, freer. This is an important step that will help you in the future.

Requests for help Write your story Hello...readers...I decided to write about my trouble...I couldn’t decide for a long time...It all started, no lie, 3 years or more ago...I had my own business, but I ran it together with my common-law wife...So it turned out that we broke up with her amicably, he took over all the affairs, of course there was sadness about the separation, but it’s not such a problem, just like I took a week’s rest in terms of alcohol... and plunged into work... But as they say, trouble doesn’t come alone... Less than 3 months have passed My mother is dying... I didn’t say goodbye to her before she died when she was hospitalized with a stroke... I was away at that time, leaving for work... I arrived and took charge of the funeral, did it as it should be, even in the Church they sang the funeral service for the departed soul... While the funeral was going on in a fog everything was going until the end, I still didn’t realize that I wouldn’t see her again... Don’t think that I’m weak morally, a lot has happened in my life... but Mom broke me, after 9 days I was really knocked out of my kalia, I lost the meaning of life and started drinking, this broke me I’m in trouble... I closed the business in time so that I wouldn’t get into debt for flattery... I consumed alcohol for almost a couple of years... I blame myself for the death of my mother for not saving me... I completely withdrew from society to the point that I don’t even leave the house and don’t communicate with anyone... I quit drinking just go online to the Internet...Depression, I don’t know what to do...and I want to change everything, to find the meaning of life, I have a fear of living...sometimes I have thoughts of suicide...my friends don’t understand me, because none of them have ever encountered something like this...Maybe there are such people here who has encountered something similar... Please tell me what to do in such a situation... PS Sincerely, Nikolai... Support the site:

Nikolay, age: 32 / 06/13/2015

Responses:

Hi Nikolay, good evening to you. My condolences to you on the death of your dear mother, your loved one... It’s very sad and now it’s very, very difficult for you. And the fact that this happened unexpectedly, and that strokes are so insidious, and that you were not able to see your mommy... She would certainly want you to live in the world. And so that you are happy. And to live long. She gave birth to you, and she was very happy that you were born to her, like this, like this, so good, like you are... Let's live, dear. Imagine how happy she is with you that you live and see the world, and build your life... And you are not to blame for anything... guilt is often felt when people lose someone. This is the work of grief, with all the emotions, very strong. And guilt is one of these feelings... Give yourself time, allow yourself to cry, say goodbye. Your soul will gradually become easier... talk to people who have also lost a loved one, they will understand you and it will be easy for you to just sit with them. You don’t even need to talk, it’s enough that someone will be next to you who understands you. And you will cry... grieve... And then, when the work of grief is completed, it has several stages - a shock stage, then an emotional one, then comes the stage of farewell or thoughtfulness, constant meetings with the past, memories and internal conversations with the departed person. Well, then you will be able to take thoughts and memories of your loved one into your future, and it will be easy and bright for you to do this, and strength will come. Just wait... and everything will be exactly like this... Suicidal thoughts, yes, they happen, they are just thoughts, they came and will go. Try to switch your attention to those who are nearby, for example, to whom you can help a little, look around, you are not alone, now you see that there are others who are also suffering, maybe for a different reason. Helping others is a good distraction from such thoughts, and brings us together, since we are all people, we all go through life and overcome difficulties, grief, we console each other and rejoice again, and worry again.. You can do it! Let's go there until...

Marina, age: 45 / 06/13/2015

Hello, Nikolay. Please accept my sincere condolences. But you have to live. It’s better to keep yourself busy with something, to plunge headlong into work, for example. Set goals, make plans, live in the present, think about the future. You can change the situation, leave for a while. Good luck to you.

Irina, age: 27 / 06/13/2015

It’s a pity that your mother left so early, but you need to move on with your life because you are so young! And because, by and large, they have not yet begun to live. You have a long life ahead, where you will find happiness, family, your favorite business, confidence in the future, the joy of being and much, much more! Nikolay, you are asking for advice from those who have been depressed. I have already written here that as a result of a very anxious and sleepless (up to 6 years) period in my life, I fell into this difficult state. I, a morally strong person, have never had a nightmare in my entire life, but here it is in reality. I had to give up my job. For two months I lay almost motionless (thanks to my husband and family who fussed with me), then for another three months I was forcibly carried from early morning, unknown why and where, I so wanted to sit down to rest, but my legs wouldn’t obey. For the first six months I had a wild suicidal desire, I forced myself to live another day and reassured myself that I would always have time to do this. But for the next six months, suicidal thoughts gave way to a strong feeling of doom, after another six months I began to think about death as the final stage for each stage, but now I completely forgot about it. 2 and a half years passed and I returned to people. What helped me? I was helped by everyone who had experienced a similar thing, acquaintances and strangers from the Internet - they all convinced me that the main thing was not to panic and rush, everything would come back to normal. I did calm, unhurried housework (repairs) automatically without “want” or “like”, but under the motto “need”, and this helped me a lot, since the work with the brain can be traced as a process, distracts from painful obsessive thoughts, and calms the transcendental subconscious anxiety (accumulated and causing depression.) Although my head was completely empty, I mentally commented and described the work process. I did my work to my favorite music (foreign) and after a while I began to notice that I was singing along. Further more, I began to do everything that I had once loved as a child (painting, sewing, making bouquets, helping elderly relatives in the garden, communicating , and I realized that with the things I once loved, I was accumulating bit by bit in my head satisfaction for the day I had lived; after a while, when this satisfaction increased, I began to plan the day, including slightly burdensome work and short trips. Changes occurred very slowly, fears and the period of envy that followed was no longer there, but irritability and grumpiness persisted and then boredom joined in, but I gradually began to dream, after another six months, my memory, self-demandingness, bold planning and ease of rise and, of course, complete satisfaction with life fully returned Nikolay, your recovery was delayed due to 2 years of alcohol consumption, as you write, so I think you will recover in about a year. There is no need to interfere with the recovery of brain cells, then the brain will calmly return to its stable state. Let's find an interesting job (similar to a childhood hobby), so that it doesn't stress you out at all, and then the subconscious anxiety will subside and everything will calmly be restored. Zhvanetsky once said that in order for depression to go away and not return, you need to be creative in any activity, not to rush anywhere, live in harmony with your conscience and not take on unbearable mental (excessive responsibility, unloved work, etc.) and physical loads So, let's remember this and you won't be the first, you won't be the last, everything will work out! You need to live not in the past, but in the present and future, you have a lot of new and good things there!

Larisa, age: 51 / 06/14/2015

Hello Nikolai! Please accept my sincere condolences. You know, I lost a loved one and dear to me when I was 13, he was 18 years old. It was my brother... I don’t remember well what happened then. For me he was everything. I realized that it was That’s it... I won’t see him anymore, I won’t say anything to him, I won’t hug him. About 2 years after his death, I wasn’t myself. I was completely lost. I didn’t want to accept his death at all. But at the age of 16, I thought that it was unlikely that he would approve of my terrible state. He would never I didn’t want me to get lost in this life, to cry, to get involved with bad company. I realized that I had to live my life for myself and for him, to feel everything that he didn’t have time to do. Now I live for him and for myself. I I feel that he is next to me. Our loved ones are always next to us as long as we remember them. Likewise, I think your mother does not want a life of despondency and a gray world for you. Thank your mother with your bright and rich life for the life she has given you. She is always by your side. Trust me. Good luck to you. I am sure that everything will be fine it will work out for you!

Olga, age: 26 / 06/14/2015

Nikolai, the meaning of life can only be found by finding God. Your mother is gone, her path on earth is over, her soul now has a different path - already OUTSIDE THE EARTH. But your journey on earth still continues. So you can do something good for yourself and pray for your mother. Go to the priest, confess, ask what prayers to read for your mother, ask for his blessing. You see, when parents leave before their children, it’s natural and natural, but when it’s the other way around, it’s scary. Do good deeds in memory of your mother. Fix some old lady's or shelter's fence. I don’t know how big a city you live in, but in any city, many social institutions are half-poor. And there is always need for help. Take a wheelchair user out for a walk, for example - many people with disabilities do not have access to such things that are familiar to us. I am sure that such an intelligent and businesslike man like you will find use for himself - for the benefit of people and the world. Sincerely.

Vika, age: 29 / 06/14/2015

Hello Nikolay. In such a situation, this is the only way to be. LIVE and LIVE again. The loss of your loved one is very difficult. God help you. But you won’t do anything better for yourself or your Mother with alcohol. You must enter another stage in your life. Get rid of despair and despondency. Try praying for Mom. Start working... Reassess your values. Close and dear ones who left this world are still alive in our memory. I wish you all the best and good things.

Helya, age: 25 / 06/14/2015

You are not alone, we empathize with you.. These are the laws of life, we are born and we die, you cannot save/change the patterns, but you can improve each of the periods. Don’t reproach yourself for not being able to be more attentive earlier, show your love now.. Go to church and communicate with your mother through an angel, tell her everything that you didn’t have time to do during your lifetime. Help someone who needs your help here on earth, show the compassion and love that you would like to show to your mother.. Bring her her favorite flowers every memorable date for you.. And most importantly, so that she is calm there, find your way fortunately, be filled with it and live. We need you here. I hug you..

Yana, age: 39 / 06/14/2015

Previous request Next request Return to the beginning of the section

print version

What is the treatment for depression from loss?

A person may have difficulty overcoming depression due to the following circumstances:

thanatophobia occurs;
pain from interruption of emotional connection;
lack of feeling of security;
strong confidence in one's guilt;
resentment towards the person who left and left the grieving person;
misunderstanding why this happened and the loved one is now gone.

Then you can’t cope without the help of a doctor. Psychotherapy sessions have proven themselves the most. However, in very advanced or profound conditions, medications may be prescribed, namely:

antidepressants;
neuroleptics;
tranquilizers.

The doctor may also prescribe:

a course of vitamin therapy;
physiotherapy;
nootropic drugs.

During the consultation, the psychotherapist determines at what stage of processing grief the patient is. Based on its condition, the best option for the further path is selected. In some cases, such as severe cases of depressive disorder, a psychiatrist will prescribe antidepressants. They improve physical condition and remove the feeling of constraining despair and hopelessness.

How to get out of depression after the death of your husband by talking to a psychotherapist? A mandatory element of therapy is interpersonal, cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as individual psychotherapeutic sessions and work in a support group.

In psychology, the grief process has several stages, which a person goes through in different sequences. These are denial (isolation), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance of the situation (humility). You don't have to go through all the stages to get out of grief. However, if a person falls into a depressive phase, he may not have enough strength to get out of it on his own.

This requires individual sessions and conversations with a specialist. It will help you find internal resources to survive this stage. At this moment, it is important for the patient to have the opportunity to speak out and express emotions. At the discretion of the specialist, elements of art therapy and sand therapy may be used.

Joining a support group for people who have experienced the death of a loved one can also be very therapeutic. The patient ceases to feel alone in his grief. He has the opportunity to share his feelings with people who understand him.

Sometimes there is a need for the help of doctors - do not hesitate to contact them; in such cases, treatment is carried out in a hospital, under the supervision of medical staff.

Among the drugs used in various methods, one can name antidepressants, tranquilizers, and sometimes antipsychotics. Physiotherapy, vitamin therapy, nootropics, proper daily routine, help from a psychologist - all this helps to get out of depression completely and without relapse, because we are talking about a reactive etiology.

All of us go through loss.

At such moments, it is important not to let yourself plunge into the abyss of despair and find the strength to survive. It turns out that time really heals and reveals new colors of the world. After all, spring always comes after winter, whether we like it or not.

When remembering your mother, let there be only light sadness and gratitude that she was with you. The departed are always invisibly present as long as people remember them

After all, spring always comes after winter, whether we like it or not. When remembering your mother, let there be only light sadness and gratitude that she was with you. The departed are always invisibly present as long as people remember them.

You cannot live in the past, if you want to take only good things from the past, think more about others and very little about yourself, and then there will be no getting stuck in grief. Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting about it, but learning to live fully after the loss.

It is not always easy to determine this condition, however, the following symptoms will help identify deep depression in order to consult a specialist in time.

Sadness and longing for a loved one that does not go away for several months.
A person is haunted by images of the deceased, hallucinations and visited by obsessive thoughts.
Refusal to accept reality.
Abuse of alcohol or psychotropic drugs.
A person consciously avoids those things that remind him of the deceased.
Feeling of emptiness and loss of meaning in life.
Deep, persistent feeling of guilt.
Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.
Lethargy and inability to perform daily activities.
The belief that the deceased is alive.

Am I to blame for my mother's death?

Reader question:

I was always a good person, I thought so. Believers, tried to take care of the spiritual. Since childhood, she regularly prayed and attended church. I tried to help, sometimes I fasted. Unfortunately, not as often as it should. A year ago I had a strange experience. Since childhood, I have suffered from neuroses and obsessive-compulsive disorder (occasionally). Another hysteria broke out and some strange thoughts began to appear. I vowed to become a better person, to do all sorts of good things. From somewhere the thought came that if I didn’t fulfill everything I promised this time, then my mother would die... I resisted this thought for a long time, but as a result I gave up.

Then I forgot about the episode, although I usually suffer if I cannot fulfill serious promises. And my mother died about a year later, under exemplary circumstances that obsessively popped into my head when these thoughts came.

To say that I blame myself is an understatement. Didn't save me. She knew what had to be done, to pay attention to her health in time. I even knew when. But it’s as if I forgot... Or maybe I cursed her in a peculiar way?

Over time it only gets worse for me. I constantly talk to God, my mother and I apologize that this all happened, I ask from the bottom of my heart, with all my pain and sincerity. But where did all this come from? When I pray, it begins to seem that there was this premonition, we were very connected, and I really liked helping my mother, doing well. What should I do? Excuse me…. Thank you.

Vika

Archpriest Andrei Efanov answers:

Dear Vika! Knowing that you have a tendency to become disordered, you need to ensure that you regularly visit a psychologist and psychiatrist, are observed by him and that your condition is under control. This is the first and most important thing, understand? Necessarily! And follow all recommendations. If you don’t like the doctor, change the doctor, but there must be a doctor in life. Further, if you lead a church life, do it regularly, go to confession, take communion, and, again, all under the guidance of a priest.

God bless you!

As a recommendation, I can advise you to seek help from the Center for Crisis Psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya (Moscow), it is located next to the Semenovskaya metro station. Highly professional Orthodox psychologists serve here who have already helped thousands of people.

Help is provided to adults and children, members of any religious denomination, people of little faith, doubters and atheists.

If you have a difficult financial situation, then this should under no circumstances stop you from receiving psychological help at the Center. Donations to the center are determined only by your capabilities and gratitude. Providing assistance at the Center has nothing to do with the amount of donation (or its complete absence).

Living outside Moscow

Consultations with the head of the center, crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky, are available via Skype.
Find out more about the center and how to make an appointment with a psychologist here.
An archive of all questions can be found here. If you do not find the question you are interested in, you can always ask it on our website.

The path to a new life

A huge psychological blow and the apathy that follows most often have to be endured by those who have gone through a long life journey with a person. The second option is sudden death, when nothing foreshadowed the tragedy. It is in this case that I recommend not to hesitate, allowing the widow to close herself off from the outside world in her grief, but to gradually and unobtrusively lead her to the idea that outside help is needed.

Stages of realizing the death of a beloved spouse

The human psyche keeps many secrets, one of them is the sharp and categorical denial of the misfortune that happened. Even an inveterate cynic cherishes the thought in his soul that grief did not overtake him and everything will return to its place. Unfortunately, it is not. You need to go a long way, consisting of several steps, in order to find strength, gain goals and interests, and understand how to come to your senses after the death of your husband. It takes time for grief to recede, turning from a heavy, suffocating burden into light sadness. During this period, one emotion replaces another and you need to experience them all without suppressing your reaction to the tragic news. Usually there are 5 stages.

The first feeling after a tragedy is pain. It stuns, breaks the inner core, covers the head, leaving devastation and misunderstanding. Awareness does not come immediately.
Denial is necessarily present to a greater or lesser extent. If you have to deal with current affairs related to obtaining certificates, paperwork and organizing funerals, then this stage proceeds more calmly, gradually penetrating into consciousness. It is much more difficult if the news came from afar and exists only in the form of a telephone call, an email or a piece of paper brought by the postman. Consciousness clings to the last to the saving option, in which tragedy can be an absurd mistake. In this case, the person receives a double whammy when he realizes that the information is true.
A surge of aggression is also inevitable. Most often it is directed outward, to those who were spared by the tragedy. In response to an attempt at consolation, you can receive a whole stream of groundless accusations. You need to understand that these are the consequences of shock and the psyche is thus looking for shaky, but support. Anger that goes inward and transforms into self-flagellation becomes especially dangerous for a woman at any age. There is an endless search of options for what happened, where one’s own actions become especially poignant.
A depressive state naturally gives way to subsiding anger at the whole world. Now the understanding of irreversibility is becoming commonplace, and former ideas and hopes are being abandoned. At this stage, the support of others is very important. If the first stages were characterized by an active reaction to what was happening, even in the form of screaming and crying, then during depression there can be a quiet fading of not only interest, but also life itself. This is observed in older people when the husband has died, and the wife does not even want to think about how to survive his death at 60 years old, trying to leave behind him. In this case, I advise loved ones to try to replace the emphasis and show that it is simply necessary for children and grandchildren.
Acceptance becomes the final stage. Now comes the full realization that it is impossible to turn back time and you will have to build your life on your own, without finding the usual support nearby. For this, one will need several months, another – years. Most often, the stage takes about 1-1.5 years. This is where unobtrusive help and the presence of friends and family are needed.

Father's advice: how to accept the passing of a loved one

A simple comparison of the torment and pain of a deeply religious person and a person whose soul is empty (it simply cannot be empty, which means it is filled with worldly passions and temptations) will show the high degree of despair of the latter. Modern culture has erased the terrible topic of death from the everyday arsenal of life. Completely in vain. Alas: again we have to remind you of the obvious truth: this is impossible. The departure to the afterlife is inevitable, inevitable.

Previously, artists, musicians, and writers did not avoid the terrible topic. On the contrary, they sought to understand, realize, and accept the inevitability of the cessation of worldly existence. They tried to give some kind of hope, an understanding of eternity, and thereby protected people from severe mental trauma in moments of despair and grief. This helped to accept the inevitable and go through all the stages of a loved one’s departure with wisdom and fortitude. Deep spiritual knowledge is a reliable shield in difficult times.

If trouble happens in the house, we go to the temple, to God, to ask for mercy and the protection of heavenly powers. We want the Almighty to intercede for us, help us, take away torment and suffering, and make it easier to survive the death of a loved one. We naively believe that with a single act we can change the current world order. One such act is not enough. Although, if this movement of the soul becomes the first step towards deep and comprehensive faith, the worldview will change. The road to a new understanding of things, to finding other – eternal values – will be open.

Today's science makes timid attempts to study pre-death and post-death experiences. Books are published, experiments are conducted. Advances in medicine make it possible to bring a person out of a state of clinical death. The body is repeatedly weighed during the process of biological death. Scientists are trying to measure the soul with grams. Hypotheses, doubts, refutations do not dispel doubts and leave eternal problems unresolved. A person wants something completely different: a simple, deep, everything-explaining faith.

He begins to open his soul to God. Searches and gradually finds answers to questions that arise.

What helps us survive the death of a loved one, first of all, is the realization that we are not the owners of the reality around us. She's not ours. We are temporary guests here. Everything will have to be given away. It is necessary to learn to part calmly, to develop the skills of a correct attitude towards loss.
A person is not an iron rock and has the right to feelings. Sometimes, unbearably difficult. If you need to cry, sob, howl, fight hysterically, break, smash, destroy (up to certain limits, of course), then you don’t need to interfere with him. The sacred life right of everyone brought into the world by a father and mother is to suffer, to suffer, to experience pain. You must go through this in order to then become much stronger and calmer. Necessary mourning rituals existed in every culture. Our social environment is no exception.
Endless sorrow and despair is a great sin. So is suicide. God gave man life in order to go through a series of difficult, difficult trials, and find true Faith. It won't work any other way. You shouldn’t look back at false morality and look for other people’s recipes. Through life, a person follows his own path, the path given to him personally. But it doesn’t hurt to look at others. They also went through this, which means we can do it too.
For a believer there is an afterlife, a miracle of resurrection. “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.” The very concept of death in Orthodoxy is only a temporary process of transition to a better world. Best! Then why grieve? Everything is different there, incomparably better. However, such a fate must be earned by living a righteous life.
Often, a grieving person is consoled by the thought that a relative or loved one who died untimely sees everything and wants us to be happy. It is unpleasant for him to see us in inconsolable grief. The time will come: we will all meet and rise in God.
And finally, the insidious question: “Imagine if we had eternal life on Earth? Wouldn't people be mired in sin? Wouldn’t you give your souls to the Devil?” The man is weak. One day he transgressed God's providence. As a result, he received death as torment and redemption. But God is merciful. He gave his son Jesus Christ to be crucified, opening the way for people. There is a direct path to happiness. It is difficult, but righteous. You won't be able to deceive or cheat.