It's hard to be a good parent - that's a fact. Understanding a child, being able to realize that he is growing quickly, and also trying to protect him from adversity and problems is sometimes so difficult that one gives up. But it happens that parents may begin to consider their child’s problems not serious - just think, his peers don’t communicate with him, this is not the end of the world!
This is because sometimes parents forget that they themselves were children - and all the frivolous problems of their children also once seemed like unsolvable tragedies.
Children's reactions to misunderstanding by parents can be different: some withdraw into themselves and refuse to talk to anyone, or maybe vice versa - their behavior becomes extremely defiant and aggressive. This is a kind of request for help - even if the child does not ask for help (this childish “I myself!” remains in them until the end), he desperately wants to receive it. Therefore, parents need to understand that some psychological problems may occur in their child - this is normal, and this must be dealt with. A psychologist can be the person who can help solve problems of this nature.
Attention
It is difficult for new parents to force themselves to give all their free time not to themselves, but to another person. It's tiring and sometimes annoying.
The conflict between motherhood and established values related to career, personal growth, self-affirmation and self-development of a woman as an individual arises from the first day of the baby’s birth. Time must pass for the young mother to be able to balance her new life and clearly divide time between her family and herself. Over time, it will become clear that it is this mother’s skill that will bring out the best in the child and create family comfort.
A child needs “an object to which he will be attached” around the clock; this instills in him trust in the world around him, a sense of confidence in the future and security.
Fathers take a long time to get used to the new state, it takes more than one year, and during this time they jealously watch how all the attention of the woman they love is no longer concentrated on him alone. You should learn to take off your “selfish glasses” and enjoy every day and the baby’s new exploits.
Psychological problems of children and adolescents
A consultation with a psychologist shows that the psychological problems of children and adolescents are typical and recurring. A practicing psychologist often encounters very similar manifestations of psychological problems and conflicts during consultations.
This voluminous text should not be perceived either as a psychologist’s recommendations for raising children and adolescents, or as a textbook on psychology. This text is an attempt to broaden the horizons of parents in psychology and warn in advance about possible dangers that await children and adults. In fact, here is an incomplete list of typical psychological problems with which parents and grown children turn to a psychologist, a description of the typical causes of these psychological problems, and the psychologist’s thoughts on how these problems could be tried to be avoided.
Consultation with a psychologist: psychological problems of children and adolescents
1. Anxiety, lack of self-confidence, increased level of neuroticism
Volumes and gigabytes have been written about anxiety and childhood neuroses. Normally, anxiety is a consequence of the instinct of self-preservation, an adaptive mechanism that helps to avoid danger and unnecessary problems in life. Normally expressed anxiety serves the survival and adaptation of a person and does not require correction from a psychologist. But if anxiety is hypertrophied, symptoms and signs of an anxiety disorder, neurotic disorder, and neurosis occur. And then you may need the help of a psychologist .
In its most general form, psychologists define anxiety as a tendency to frequent or constant anticipation of something bad. Anxiety can be accompanied by a whole complex of uncomfortable psychological experiences and physiological manifestations. This list is huge, the manifestations of one or another sign of an increased level of anxiety are individual. It is difficult even for an experienced psychologist to understand all this, so choosing a good psychologist is very important.
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Correctly diagnosing anxiety, its causes, the type of anxiety and the method of effective psychological assistance can be difficult even for an experienced psychologist. Those. Any psychologist usually understands that in front of him is a child with a high level of anxiety, but the variability of manifestations and types of anxiety is so high that it is very easy to get confused in diagnosing anxiety. Diagnostic problems are further aggravated by the fact that sometimes anxiety is only a sign of an even more serious psychological problem, mental disorder or physical illness, for example: a disease of the digestive system in a child, post-traumatic stress disorder, a disease of the cardiovascular system, asthenia of the nervous system, depression, schizophrenia, etc. For an accurate diagnosis, we recommend undergoing a full psychodiagnostic examination (a battery of test methods), although sometimes we manage to save the client’s money and time and make an accurate psychological diagnosis without tests. It all depends on the competence and honesty of the psychologist. This is another reason why it is important to see a psychologist you trust.
Depending on age, anxiety manifests itself differently in children and adolescents. Parents and psychologists should understand that everything is logical in the child’s behavior and in psychology. If there is a manifestation of something, then there is a reason. The psychologist’s task is to find this reason and explain it to the parents so that the parents can correct the situation. After all, parents are with the child and influence him disproportionately more than a psychologist, and no most brilliant child psychologist or psychotherapist can replace a child’s loving and reasonable parents.
A) Young children are often anxious for physiological reasons (for example, due to digestive problems). This usually manifests itself in frequent crying, restless intermittent sleep, unnatural or inadequate motor activity. The reasons, as a rule, are improper feeding (including improper diet of the nursing mother), poor hygiene of diapers or clothing, irritating stimuli (light, noise, odors, etc.), sleep disturbances, exposure to drinkers or even just loudly talking parents.
Having experienced such stimuli (not systematically strong or very strong once), the child remembers this discomfort and begins to expect it in the future. The child has that same premonition of bad things, which psychologists call anxiety. And now the child begins to worry (be capricious, cry, sleep poorly, experience psychosomatic disorders, etc.) in advance.
Parents often feel that their child’s current behavior has no reason. But in fact, there is a reason - a cause-and-effect relationship formed as a result of the parents’ behavior, a conditioned reflex chain: uncomfortable conditions for a small child - the child’s expectation of a repetition of discomfort - an increased level of anxiety in the child - prerequisites for the occurrence of childhood neurosis - psychological and physical problems.
In the most general terms, we can say that with competent, adequate, moderately and properly caring parents, young children are very rarely hyper-anxious. There are exceptions, of course. For example, congenital pathology of the nervous system, birth injuries, asthenia - these and many other reasons can lead to an increased level of anxiety in a small child. So, often, but not always, inadequate parents or an overlooked child psychologist are to blame. Therefore, analysis of the causes and correct diagnosis by a good psychologist is very important. After this, in most cases, the help of a psychologist comes down to forming in parents the habit of adequately caring for their small child.
B) Middle-aged children and adolescents are anxious, usually for psychological reasons. For this age, the dominant cause of increased levels of anxiety is inconsistent (from the child’s point of view) parental behavior. Those. an adult may consider his behavior to be completely consistent, reasonable and adequate (for example, natural swings in emotional state and mood, illness and illness, worries about his own parents, problems at work, family ups and downs, PMS in women, outbursts of irritation, fatigue, inattention) , but through the eyes of a child everything looks different.
For a small, dependent organism, parents are the main source of benefits and a guarantee of survival. A child is such an advanced consumer, but a forced consumer - the quality of his life and survival in general depends on the care of his parents and on the security provided by his parents. Due to the simplified perception of children, unconditional parental love serves as a guarantor of survival, safety and future well-being. The child perceives the situation approximately as follows: if mom and dad love me (either just like that without any conditions, or I have ways to earn this love), then I will survive and live well. As soon as a child has doubts about the love of his parents, the level of anxiety immediately increases.
Doubts about parental love and, consequently, about one’s own safety arise in the child based on observation of the parents’ behavior. Like a spoiled woman, the child sincerely believes that the world revolves around him and interprets any behavior of his parents at his own expense. Like a video camera, the child “writes” the parents’ behavior into memory and, like a crooked prism, refracts it and interprets it with his own childish perception. Therefore, the child attributes any changes in emotional state and mood that are natural for an adult to his own account and associates them with the prospects for his survival. And then a logical chain is formed in the child: the parents are dissatisfied with something and behave somehow strangely - I can’t do anything about it - my parents don’t love me - this is dangerous for my life - an increase in the level of anxiety - childhood neurosis, protest reactions, defensive aggression, psychosomatic disorders.
And again, with the exception of isolated cases, the reason for the increased level of anxiety in a child lies in the behavior of parents, which may be quite natural for an adult, but is not suitable for raising a healthy and psychologically prosperous child. The task of the psychologist in this case comes down, as a rule, to educating not the child, but his parents. In addition to the above, we recommend reading our article “Consultation with a psychologist: adult unloved children .
2. Aggressiveness, conflict
Undoubtedly, there are cases of congenital pathology of aggressiveness in children, as well as acquired mental disorders accompanied by aggressiveness (this may be due to hormonal changes). In addition, there are cases of pathology of the child’s nervous system, manifested in increased impulsiveness and aggressiveness. But a consultation with a psychologist shows that, in general, such cases are in the minority.
In the vast majority of cases, the aggressiveness of a child or adolescent is defensive in nature. Defensive aggression is a biological norm and one of the tools of survival in both animals and humans. In most cases, if a child demonstrates defensive aggression, it means he is not confident in his own safety. Confidence in their own safety is given to a child and adolescent either by parents or by their own internal psychological qualities formed by parents (or the formation is carried out by a child psychologist). And why exactly a child or teenager does not feel safe depends on many specific reasons and situations: inconsistent or inattentive parents, cases of intra-family aggression of family members against each other, the child’s insecurity in society on the part of the parents, the child’s inadequate ability to withstand difficulties by the parents. life, etc. Like a crooked prism, the child transforms his feelings from life into an unconscious fear for his existence, which can result in defensive aggression. And then the child psychologist begins to clear up the consequences of the parents’ mistakes.
Similar psychological mechanisms also work in the case of an increased level of conflict in a child or adolescent. It is generally accepted that conflict and protest in adolescents are associated with age-related hormonal changes. Yes, this is true, but hormonal changes cannot be considered the only reason. Moreover, hormonal changes do not always dominate. Very often, a teenager’s conflict and protest behavior is an attempt to defend himself in subjectively felt conditions of danger. Why in adolescence? Because it is at this age that early socialization occurs - the child expands his social circle and suddenly encounters a large number of new interactions and situations.
A consultation with a psychologist shows that conflict and protest in a teenager are not always associated with hormonal reasons, but very often with psychological ones! And again, the task of a psychologist during a consultation is to diagnose the true causes of aggressiveness and conflict and either provide psychological assistance and support to the child, or, which is much more common, engage in the education of his parents. Because not a single child psychologist or psychotherapist can fully perform for life the function of the parents of a child who was brought to him for a consultation with a psychologist.
3. Reduced communication skills, isolation
A consultation with a psychologist clearly demonstrates that in a much smaller number of cases, a child’s reduced sociability and isolation are associated with nervous disorders and mental illnesses (for example, autism). In fact, most children are nervously and mentally healthy, and they have a huge reserve of plasticity and adaptability, including in the field of communication with the outside world.
In most cases, a child’s reduced sociability and isolation are associated either with intimidation by parents of the dangers of the world around them, or with a lack of skill to interact and communicate with strangers. This especially applies to teenage girls.
The natural desire of parents to protect an unprepared child from the dangers of the outside world (and themselves from problems with the child) often leads to the parents forming in the child a negative picture of a dangerous, threatening world. It is clear that this is not what the parents had in mind, but the child gets the impression that the world is terrible, dangerous, threatening, negative, and only at home, only with family and friends is he safe.
In paragraph 1, we have already described the increased level of anxiety in the child, resulting from a subjective feeling of insecurity on the part of the parents. And now in this point 3 we are faced with a polar case - the feeling of being protected exclusively in the parental home from close people, paradoxically also leads to anxiety, but of a different type - to social anxiety, isolation, decreased sociability, possible consequences in the form of social phobia, subsequent fear large crowds of people, public transport, public speaking, etc.
The cognitive picture of the world formed in childhood (the world is negative, dangerous, terrible, everything good is only at home!) naturally leads the child to isolation, to communicating only with a narrow circle of the closest people, to withdrawal into the world of fantasy, to a widespread deterioration in social adaptation and later to the manifestation of infantilism in adulthood. Such children, upon becoming adults, often become regular visitors to psychologist consultations, regular clients of a psychotherapist, and regulars at psychological trainings. The negative cognitive picture of the world laid down in childhood is imprinted for life, and is extremely difficult to correct even with the help of a very good psychologist. The peace of mind of the parents and the safety of the child are bought at the price of subsequent social maladjustment, lifelong hostility, an unformed active life position, rigidity and conservatism of ideas about life, and low rates of development of an adequate adult personality.
The task of the psychologist is to explain to parents that the natural desire for the safety of the child and their own peace should not be so excessive as to form a maladaptive personality, and that the subsequent work of the psychologist to correct the mistakes of the parents will be more expensive, in every sense, and will not always lead to the desired results, i.e. .To. by then the sensitive period will be hopelessly missed. The consequence of such erroneous formation of the child’s personality is sometimes psychasthenia. We recommend that you read our article “Consultation with a psychologist: psychasthenia” .
4. Schizoid
An increased level of schizoidism is an extremely dangerous trend in the personality and character of a child. Most recently, we published the article “Psychologist Consultation: Schizogenic and Schizophrenogenic Mother.” In it we described in detail this psychological problem and the reasons for its occurrence.
According to our practical observations of psychologists, a schizogenic mother is a dominant woman, internally emotionally alienated in relation to the child, who uses the child as a social project to achieve her goals, and at the same time in her behavior demonstrates to the child inconsistency in relation to him: from excessive control to aggression (even if only verbal). We call such mothers schizogenic, and their children (both teenagers and adults) during our psychodiagnostic examination extremely often show high rates of schizoidity (at the level of accentuation or even psychopathy). Undoubtedly, a schizogenic mother cannot be the only or main cause of the onset and development of schizophrenia in a child (later an adult), but it is easy to provoke high schizoidness, subsequent dramatic psychological problems and severe social maladaptation! These are our loose observations in the practice of a psychologist.
Undoubtedly, a schizogenic mother does not make a targeted, conscious effort to develop a high level of schizoidism in her child (who subsequently experiences the natural consequences of schizoidism in adulthood). A schizogenic mother gives priority to her life goals and is led by the properties of her character (personality). She does not control her behavior towards the child (due to ignorance of clinical child psychology or due to emotional dissolution), and she has a schizoid child simply and logically, as a consequence of her behavior. A schizogenic mother may well love her child, but she loves herself, her personality and her life goals much more. A schizogenic mother cannot or does not want to change for the purpose of raising a psychologically prosperous and socially adaptive child, or at least to control her emotions and behavior.
As a result, a teenager grows up, and then an adult, with a high level of schizoidity (at the level of accentuation or psychopathy), which is confirmed by psychological tests. In order not to overload this text with a detailed description of what schizoidism is, how it manifests itself and what consequences it leads to, we refer the reader to our publication: “Consultation with a psychologist: schizoid” , as well as to our article, very important for understanding what is happening, “Consultation with a psychologist: schizogenic and a schizophrenogenic mother .
Naturally, in psychology there are exceptions to any statistical pattern. A high level of schizoidism in a teenager may not be caused by the family situation in the parental family, but by unfavorable heredity or psychophysiological (hormonal) reasons, for example, during puberty and later. Actually, a consultation with a psychologist is needed to analyze the situation, separate causes from effects, make an accurate psychological diagnosis and give recommendations. Unfortunately, despite the large number of clinical psychologists in the country, clinical competence is not often found among psychologists. As always, choosing a psychologist who can be trusted both in terms of competence and in terms of integrity is not an easy task for confused parents who need psychological advice for their child.
5. Depression
Depressed children (as well as depressed adults) are a typical problem in modern Russian reality. The diagnosis of endogenous depression is often made by psychiatrists. Psychologists echo them. Of course, endogenous depression needs to be treated with medications and long-term courses of psychotherapy with a psychologist or psychotherapist. And this means the opportunity to earn money from the child’s parents. But is the diagnosis of endogenous depression always honest, i.e. Is it true? In our opinion, not always.
Undoubtedly, endogenous depression exists, it is a serious illness and a real problem. But the reactive state of pseudo-depression occurs much more often in children and adolescents. Reactive, because this state is a reaction to inappropriate physiological and (or) psychological living conditions. Pseudo-depression, because it is not true depression, but a chronic emotional reaction of the depressive type, i.e. bad mood caused by discomfort and worries. It is enough to consult with a competent (and most importantly, honest!) psychologist who will not intimidate parents and come up with non-existent diagnoses, so that the psychologist can make money at any cost. But at the same time, the psychologist must be careful not to miss the risks of real depression. In this case, it is desirable that the psychologist can, if necessary, refer to a good, correct psychiatrist. Then everything will be fine. If a psychologist sees that a child (teenager) has signs of true depression, then treatment, psychocorrection, and psychotherapy are necessary. If a psychologist sees that a child is in a constant bad mood due to mistreatment or his own inadequate perception of reality, then parents need to be instructed and educated.
As we have already written, a child’s perception is subjective and immature. When faced with unfavorable physiological or psychological living conditions, the psyche of each child reacts individually. Some people develop anxiety, others develop pseudo-depression.
Calling on a child to use common sense, let alone putting pressure on him, is useless and even dangerous. Why? Because a depressive state (even a reactive one) is almost always accompanied by suppressed aggressive or auto-aggressive (self-aggression) tendencies in the psyche. Do you want these repressed tendencies to come to the surface unexpectedly and often uncontrollably? Do you want your child to suddenly become aggressive or suicidal? Normal parents don't want this.
The correct approach to raising a child with depression is to first remove danger and risks, and then teach the child to adequately respond to encounters with the difficulties of life. In order not to make mistakes, you need to know for sure whether your child has true endogenous depression or a reactive bad mood of the depressive type (in both cases this is accompanied by aggressive and auto-aggressive tendencies - this is dangerous!) And then you need to maintain a difficult balance between in order to stop treating a child inappropriately, but at the same time not to raise a capricious sissy, manipulator and self-centered person who is not ready to face the difficulties of adult life. And to solve these issues, parents will need love for the child, the wisdom of adults and contacting the right psychologist.
6. Demonstration and manipulation
As we have already written, parents have the risk of raising a child who is a capricious sissy, self-centered and manipulative. This is inconvenient for parents and often has a fatal impact on the adaptation, ability to build partnerships and achieve social success of this child when he becomes an adult. Why does a child become a manipulator? For the only reason - he sincerely believes that it is more profitable this way. As for why the child chose this particular way of interacting with his environment, there can be many options.
First of all, it makes sense for parents to monitor their child and, if necessary, consult a psychologist. There is a possibility that the child is developing a hysterical (demonstrative) type of personality (character). (We recommend reading our publication “Consultation with a psychologist: hysteria .”)
To put it simply, a hysterical type of personality (character) in a child can begin to form in two cases. First, if in the child’s immediate environment there is a significant person with pronounced hysteria. Children, like animals, learn mainly by imitation. Second, if the parents are not observant of the child’s behavior and inattentive to his verbal signals. Then the child naturally begins to try other “languages” in order to inform his parents about his desires, troubles, and dissatisfaction. The behavior of the little actor begins to take shape in the theater, where the main spectators are family and friends. Gradually, episodic behavior is formed into a personality and character type - hysterical.
Hysteria is dangerous because over time it gives rise to numerous psychosomatic diseases and disorders (read “Psychosomatics: the influence of human psychology on his health” ). Hysteria is also dangerous because, in pursuit of an external theatrical effect, a person makes many different mistakes in life: from early teenage sex to attempts at demonstrative suicide. This is unlikely to be what you want to get from your child, so it makes sense to consult with a psychologist to see if you are raising a hysterical child without wanting to. Fortunately, hysteria is easily corrected by the work of a psychologist and the correct behavior of parents.
As we have already written, hysteria is not the only reason why a small demonstrative manipulator can grow up in a family. But in any case, one is not born with these qualities, it is the result of learning. Either parents and loved ones can analyze and correct the child’s behavior themselves, or, if that doesn’t work, they need to consult a psychologist. It is clear that it takes longer, is cheaper, but with the risk of mistakes, but going to a psychologist is faster, more expensive and with greater chances of success.
7. Hyperactivity, inattention
Volumes and gigabytes have also been written about hyperactivity and childhood inattention, as well as anxiety. The most typical are two cases: a fast, labile type of nervous system and the child’s undeveloped skills of perseverance and self-control. In most cases, both options are present simultaneously.
You need to understand that the type of nervous system is an innate characteristic. A child’s nervous system can and should be strengthened, but you are unlikely to be able to radically change it even with the help of a very good psychologist. Therefore, while strengthening the child’s nervous system, it is necessary to develop his skills of perseverance and self-control. It’s like with sports, where you also need to simultaneously strengthen both health and skills - everything is very similar.
Most ordinary people cannot afford to pay for a psychologist who comes to the child every day, who, like a coach, will develop the child’s missing skills. But fortunately, most psychologists make no secret of their craft. A good psychologist can always teach parents how to strengthen the child’s nervous system, and how to develop perseverance and self-control.
Unfortunately, there are unpleasant exceptions, for example, disorders or even pathology of the child’s nervous system. In this case, you will need the help of a neurologist and, possibly, medication. And again we are faced with the question of the competence and honesty of the psychologist. Why a psychologist? Because often a psychologist is a first-level specialist, like a general practitioner at home. It is a good psychologist who acts as the primary analyst and coordinator of further actions of the child’s parents and loved ones.
© Authors Igor and Larisa Shiryaev. The authors provide advice on issues of personal life and social adaptation (success in society). You can read about the features of the analytical consultation “Successful Brains” by Igor and Larisa Shiryaev on the CONSULTATION page.
Analytical psychological consultation with Igor and Larisa Shiryaev. You can ask questions and schedule a consultation by phone. E-mail We will be glad to help you!
Tags: articles on psychology
Misunderstanding
At a certain age, children begin to move away from their parents, believing that they do not understand them. Everyone has gone through this, and there is no need to be afraid of it. This is a period from which it is almost impossible to escape.
There is no need to put pressure on the child; you should answer all questions frankly, since your child will learn all the answers on the street, and this will not help raise your authority in his eyes.
Do not judge children harshly for their actions and actions; rather, explain what they have lost by making such a choice and how they can fix it. But you cannot force them to admit their guilt, just point out a solution to the problem, but do not insist that you are right.
Generation problem
Inconsistency between time frames and life goals. Each generation lives in its own time and faces its own problems. Children grow up learning about different cultures and using new technologies. The world changes every day, and the views of parents often remain conservative, which affects the mutual understanding of parents and children.
You need to remember that children love you, but they have the right to choose their own path, solve problems using their own methods and look in the direction that is interesting to them, and not to you.
Marina Poznyakova, especially for the Parenting Excellence Club
What problems do children bring to a psychologist for?
Bad marks . This includes misunderstanding of the material or teachers, reluctance to go to school, which can even develop into hysterics, hatred or indifference to learning, problems with memorizing the curriculum.
Bad behavior . Aggressive snapping, rudeness, special intrigues and unwillingness to help or at least listen to family members. This also includes deception, which can manifest itself on different scales - from “I was at school today” to “I didn’t take your money, mom.” Such children are often called “difficult” or “difficult to manage.”
Communication problems . Here we are talking not only about communication with peers, but also with parents, teachers - in general with everyone. Difficulty getting used to the class, unsuccessful attempts to make acquaintances and friends, isolation, fear of being the first to communicate, or simply reluctance to talk to anyone.
Emotional instability . Often people turn to a psychologist when a child does not know how to control his feelings: he often just starts having hysterics over little things, his mood quickly changes, from extremes to redness (from laughter and joy to tears and hatred). Emotional instability also means fears (sometimes tormenting nightmares) and phobias that suddenly appear.
