How to deal with unpleasant people
It would be great to only deal with people we like. But that doesn't happen. Among our colleagues, relatives and acquaintances, there will definitely be a person whom we do not like and who annoys us, communication with whom spoils our mood for the whole day. In case it is impossible to avoid meeting and talking with such a person, we must have behavioral tactics ready. This will allow us to behave correctly and not lose peace of mind.
First of all, let's think about why we don't love this particular person.
Do we see him as a competitor? Rival? Is he too handsome? Charismatic? Does our self-esteem decrease in his presence? Does your pride suffer? Maybe our antipathy towards him is banal envy and jealousy for a person who always finds himself in the center of attention? In this case, it is worth working on your own low self-esteem.
It also happens that we ourselves feel hostility from another person who, for reasons unknown to us, does not love us. And we automatically answer him in kind. People tend to feel both mutual sympathy and mutual dislike for each other. Let's ask ourselves: would we still feel irritated towards him if he suddenly began to sympathize with us and say compliments? If this relationship is important to us, let's try to understand what exactly he doesn't like about us. Maybe we once let him down, offended him and didn’t even notice how. Let's try to find out and sort out this annoying misunderstanding.
True, for some people hostility arises out of the blue. And then I remember the lines from I. Krylov’s fable “The Wolf and the Lamb”: “It’s your fault that I want to eat.” Such people choose their victims and pester them with nagging. They are unbalanced, love to scandalize and bring the object of their manipulation to tears and hysterics. Here we are talking about psychological vampirism.
Unpleasant types
Psychologists have not only thought through the rules of behavior with an unpleasant interlocutor, but also analyzed and classified the types of these same interlocutors. The result is a very impressive list. These types are original masks. Very often, people wear them to hide their complexes, fears, put up protection, or to manipulate others.
Nihilist
He is not satisfied with your position, he does not agree with any of your approaches. Everything you suggest is bad. Expresses his opinion assertively. Straightforward and unrestrained.
You must act subtly. Don’t prove yourself foaming at the mouth, but try to find a compromise. Calmly and kindly ask your interlocutor what, in his opinion, can resolve disagreements, how he would refine and develop your points. It is advisable to formulate decisions in the words of a Nihilist. If you can’t come to an agreement, just reschedule the meeting.
Know-it-all
Self-confident type. He has his own opinion on everything. He knows everything better than others. Constantly tries to seize the initiative, thereby being able to suppress the interlocutor.
The know-it-all needs to be reminded that others also want to express their point of view. Let him formulate intermediate conclusions. From time to time, ask him difficult questions that the panelists can answer.
Why
This interlocutor produces only questions, often far-fetched and abstract. It seems like he wants to confuse you. You can, of course, follow his path and neutralize him by answering a question with a question.
Talkative
Talks too much, tries to take the initiative. Tactlessly interrupts the interlocutor without listening to the end. Doesn't count against time - his matches can last as long as you don't stop him. Stop his monologues without hesitation. Don't let it go off topic. Ask questions to other participants in the conversation.
Unapproachable
This one shows no interest in the topic of discussion. He's clearly bored. It seems that he was at the wrong door and was not supposed to meet you at all.
Your task is to stir up the Unapproachable. Attack him with questions, ask for his opinion. Ask: “Do you disagree? What do you think?”
Important bird
He sees a catch and an attack on his authority in everything. Considers himself more significant and superior to others present during the discussion. Tactfully make it clear that you are all equal in both competence and position.
Careful
He is silent and listens. Perhaps he is afraid of saying something out of place and looking ridiculous. Your task is to convince him of how important his opinion is to you.
Aggressive
He produces negative emotions and thus tries to take over, break, suppress. Imagine that there is an impenetrable wall between you, through which his fiery arrows cannot penetrate. And remain calm and friendly.
Nerd
He is not happy with everything, he is not sure of anything. There is no need to convince him or appeal to logic and common sense. Listen calmly and do it your way. And if he criticizes you, don't pay attention.
These are the types of unpleasant interlocutors we encounter. It seems that the best way to counter them is with restraint, interest and a sense of humor. This is the only way to achieve what is required from them.
Source
Image source: shutterstock.com
What should we do if the person we can’t stand intends to piss us off?
He screams, accuses us of various sins, recalls old grievances. I really want to answer him in kind, shout him down and prove him wrong.
Probably everyone has found themselves in a similar situation at least once and knows well what will follow if they are led by emotions. Both will lose control of themselves and will be ready to grab each other's hair or break their heads. At best, they will be separated into even greater enemies than before.
This development of events can be easily avoided if from the very beginning you do not allow yourself to be drawn into a conflict , do not join it, but step aside as if to look at the person who annoys us through the eyes of an outside observer .
Let him speak his mind and ride on the waves of emotions, and we calmly examine him in all the details: what kind of hair he has - gray, dyed, what kind of eyes, ears, clothes, we mentally estimate what he ate for breakfast, how he got to work, etc. . P.
This focus on detail will allow us to maintain composure and not rush headlong into a showdown. We don’t interrupt him, let him speak out and “deflate.” When this finally happens and our interlocutor becomes silent, we will tell him: “I heard you” and briefly outline the essence of his claims, and then offer: “Now you listen to me.”
With a cool head, it will be much easier for us to explain ourselves to the person who irritates us than if we gave free rein to our emotions, “lost our heads,” or were rendered speechless by indignation. This tactic is suitable when a showdown takes place face to face and when we understand that a quarrel is not beneficial to anyone and, despite personal antipathies, it is necessary to reach an agreement. Let's be constructive, not emotional.
Unpleasant conversation: how to behave
We all want to avoid unpleasant conversations. They spoil the mood, make you feel awkward, act insincerely, and do not always end in compromise or an outcome that suits the parties. Where do they happen most often? As a rule, at work, that is, when communicating with not the closest people.
We can express a lot to our friends and agree on anything, but if it is a work colleague, everything is not so simple. And if this person is also higher in position, then the uncomfortable dialogue becomes doubly uncomfortable. How to deal with such situations? Here are some valuable tips from Donna Flagg, communications expert and author of Surviving Dreaded Conversations.
1. Call on your inner warrior
Whether you're firing an employee, trying to tell a supplier that you're cutting orders by 80%, talking to a business partner about his unethical behavior, or even contemplating talking to your neighbor about his barking dog, you know that all of these situations create unpleasant anxiety. We may be rejected or attacked, we may harm another person, and relationships may suffer.
Conversations like these require real courage. If courage is lacking, a person tends to either ignore a difficult conversation or wait for better times. However, it is difficult to find one for such dialogues. Often it is only fear that imposes its opinion on us.
So make a commitment to talk to the person. Gather all your will into a fist, think through how events might develop and go into battle.
2. Be proactive
When people develop their skills in difficult conversations, they find it much easier to cope with other life challenges. A proactive person is one who knows that an unpleasant conversation cannot be avoided and prepares for it with all care. He does not avoid dialogue, does not shift this burden to another. You can say this: he is simply interested in difficulties. He does not involve negative emotions in the conversation, but looks for the best way out of the situation for both parties.
Such a person does not get involved in a conversation for the sake of conversation; he knows why he is doing it and what solution needs to be proposed. He also knows that in order to avoid difficult conversations, he needs to communicate with people more often, to find a common language in advance, before things get out of control.
3. Set the scene
Schedule a conversation. You don't want to be overwhelmed by unnecessary emotions that will likely make the situation worse. Find out when you both have time to have a long conversation. Do not allow third party interference.
Start by saying, “You and I are going to have a difficult conversation, so I need you to listen to me without jumping to conclusions.”
4. Be direct and clear
Sometimes, in an attempt to soften a conversation or make it less unpleasant, we try to be diplomatic and tactful. This can have negative consequences. Tact is important, but you cannot remain misunderstood because of it.
Let's say your subordinate is chronically late. In an effort to be friendly, you might make a general declarative statement such as, “It is very important to the company to start the work day on time,” or “I rely on the people who are here throughout the work day.” And he may not take it personally due to a subjective assessment of what is happening or for some other reason. So be friendly, but be specific and firm if necessary.
5. Be specific
Let's go back to the constantly late employee. If you say: “You are always late,” then with such wording you can offend him, provoke a conflict or dismissal. It is better to use facts rather than opinions or partial observations: “The access system recorded that throughout the week you were at least 15 minutes late. Something happened?".
Figures and facts may make your interlocutor angry, but you will remain completely right. And in a normal dialogue, where both parties are interested in resolving a controversial situation, they will in any case be more appropriate than emotional assessments or accusations.
6. Separate intention from consequences
People's intentions are invisible, so don't try to guess them. Instead, focus on the consequences of the person's behavior. Don't say, "You don't seem to understand the importance of coming to work on time," or, "You think your time is more valuable than others'." Better: “When we wait 15 minutes for you, we lose total time, and our productivity also decreases.”
7. Shift your perspective from personal guilt to general guilt.
Instead of assuming that the problem is entirely the other person's fault, accept some of the blame. You might say something like, “I should have talked to you about this six months ago. Perhaps you just didn’t realize how important it is for us to stick to schedules.” Remember that if you take part of the blame on yourself, then your interlocutor will willingly admit his guilt.
What if the person who annoys us provokes us into a public showdown?
Most likely, he understands that we are unsympathetic and wants to take revenge, humiliate, and embarrass us in front of those present. Perhaps he is no stranger to organizing a “circus” performance in the team. He may even have allies.
And again we take the pose of an observer, step back and play by our own rules, and not by those that are imposed on us . Let’s imagine the object of our antipathy as a funny baby in a diaper who has smeared himself with porridge, or a red-haired clown in a funny cap making hilarious grimaces - whatever imagination will tell you. The main thing is to reduce the degree of internal tension and not let your emotions overwhelm you. We can leave the “battlefield” for a while and leave the enemy with his mouth open, or we can tell him: “You look very stupid now” and leave. This will not mean surrender - we simply will not allow negativity to take over us, penetrate inside and do its dirty work, corroding the soul.
Seeing that we are impenetrable, that we cannot be reached, a person we do not like will leave us alone. (Otherwise you will have to show strength.)
Reasons for hatred from others
Very often hatred arises from acquaintances and friends for one simple reason - envy. Of course, many people are envied, especially when everything is going well in their lives, and everything is so bad and unsuccessful for the envious person. In such a situation, there is literally one step from envy to hatred. If others hate a person simply out of envy, you shouldn’t be too upset. Overcoming such obstacles over and over again, a person can achieve what he wants and fulfill all his dreams.
Another reason why human hatred arises is misunderstanding. Very often, creative units are subjected to public pressure, faced with the most ardent manifestations of hatred. If public opinion has such a strong influence, it is worth talking to at least one of those who hate the person. Perhaps such a conversation will help to clarify the reasons for public opinion and find ways to combat it.
Of course, many creative units, on the contrary, try to cause public discontent and hatred with their behavior. The fact is that they consider hatred to be an excellent way of PR. With the help of people's distrust and condemnation, you can attract attention for a very long time. Many artists, singers and writers actively use this. Just remember that popularity, supported only by public attention, is short-lived. It will be difficult to feed universal hatred for a long time, which means that a person will soon lose the sweet rays of glory.
If you are hated, it seems that everyone around you will be happy about the defeat and failure of a person. This is a huge stress, which is incredibly difficult to cope with. Sometimes, due to public condemnation, a person loses his last shreds of self-respect and ceases to believe in his own strength.
The reasons for universal hatred may lie in the wrong behavior of the person himself. For example, he may often tell lies or cause alienation due to his desire to prove his intellectual abilities. Many people are too clever, tell lies and mislead everyone around them, and because of this they are really hated and tried in every possible way to discredit them. Before accusing everyone around you of being biased, you should understand yourself, try to analyze your character and your behavior. What to do if everyone hates you, and because of this it is difficult to find friends and even a job? In such a situation, you should study in detail the features and nuances of your behavior, and also contact a psychologist if the case is completely advanced.
Most often, people can cope with the problem on their own if they have the desire to do so. You shouldn't worry too much about social hatred. It is much more important that in a person’s life there are a couple of people who love him, despite all the mistakes in his behavior. The love of these people is more important than the condemnation and hatred of millions of others.
But if we can change jobs as a last resort, then there’s no escape from relatives
They come to us for birthdays, holidays and just like that, and there is no reason not to open the doors for them. In addition, our children, husbands or wives may be quite happy with them.
It is unlikely that we will be able to change our unloved relatives in our own way; it is also not worth expressing our “fairy”, because we will be considered to be aggravating the situation, instigating family conflicts and a troublemaker.
Let's imagine ourselves as an actor or actress who needs to take on the role of friendly hosts at home. Let's focus on our movements, facial expressions, look at ourselves from the outside, imagine that somewhere in the room there is a hidden camera. These actions will distract us from unpleasant experiences. Otherwise, all our attention will be concentrated on the person who annoys us, and we can easily “break the chain” and say rude things, which we will later regret. Negative emotions primarily destroy ourselves.
We demonstrate manipulative abilities, and just as an experienced pilot guides a ship to the port along a safe route, we direct the conversation in the direction we want, avoiding controversial topics that could spark a conflict.
