The transition period is an important age!
Adolescence has a difficult impact not only on parents, but also on the children themselves. A riot of hormones, reassessment of life values, disappointment in others and many other nuances can be considered common phenomena for teenagers.
The psychological instability of boys and girls also carries with it some danger, because it is during adolescence that a child may first encounter such sad consequences as: alcoholism, drug addiction, depression and thoughts of suicide.
So it is most important that the teenager is not left to his own devices and always feels the support and care of loved ones. Parents just have to be patient and help their child overcome this undoubtedly difficult period.
Main types of difficult teenagers
There are many types of puberty-age individuals, so to speak, “with a twist,” but the most common types are the following:
- a cynic with a violation of social norms;
- conformist - a person dependent on the opinions of others;
- hesitant individual – desire to satisfy needs (suddenly);
- affective person (constantly offended).
How to work with such children depends on what type they belong to.
How to improve relationships with a difficult teenager: advice for parents
Before embarking on a search for effective methods that can help build a trusting relationship with a teenager, parents must realize and accept the fact that their child has practically grown up and is striving for independence.
If you don’t want your son or daughter to see you as aggressors and take your every word with hostility, then learn to see them as equal members of the family. It is your reluctance to see adults in teenagers that will become the chasm that will lie between you.
However, you should not panic ahead of time and remember with longing about the past heart-warming moments of joint family leisure. You can find a common language with a child of adolescence, the main thing is to strictly adhere to the tips below.
Tip #1: Don't show your weakness
For any child, adolescence, first of all, is closely connected with challenging the authority of adults, and for him it does not matter whether it is a teacher or a neighbor - the entire “older” generation begins to be perceived as a group of old people who do not understand anything. Teenagers begin to test the strength of their parents and those around them, questioning any of their words or actions.
note
By their behavior they try to convey to adults that they have every right to their opinion and perception of the world around them.
Some parents make the fatal mistake of trying to increase their pressure and introducing more and more restrictions. Instead of giving in to provocations, thereby following the teenager’s lead, mom and dad should remain calm.
If parents cannot control themselves, they will only strengthen the teenager's opinion that he has power over their emotions. Therefore, do not rush into shouting and angry statements; it is better to take a deep breath, count to ten to yourself, exhale and ask the child to justify his point of view. Carefully monitor the intonation of your voice and be prepared for the fact that you will have to provide weighty counterarguments, otherwise the conversation will not be productive.
Important
If the child is not ready to talk, postpone the conversation for a day or two. This tactic will help calm both you and him, and at the same time you will have additional time to prepare for the conversation.
Tip No. 2. Don’t insist on intimate conversations.
All parents dream that in a moment of mental turmoil their child will come to them for advice and will simply always be happy to share their experiences. However, teenagers are often characterized by secrecy and reluctance to make contact.
You should not impose your communication on them; remember that everyone sometimes wants to be alone with themselves and their thoughts. Your child is no exception to the rule. Have you noticed that his behavior is different from usual? Forget about grilling him!
If you want to improve your relationship with a teenager, then simply make it clear that you are always open to dialogue and are ready to listen to him and give advice if he needs it. Let your child decide for himself whether to trust you or continue to keep everything deep within himself.
Tip #3: Remember your boundaries.
A teenager is a small adult who is constantly searching for himself. He is trying to find his place in this world, to realize himself as a full-fledged member of society, with the right to autonomy and independence.
It is the desire to find a new self that pushes teenagers to violate existing norms and laws in the family and society. In order to avoid this, it is necessary to define clear boundaries of what is permitted, which must be objective and approved by both parties.
Only compliance with the established rules will help to form a constructive relationship between the teenager and parents, including respect and mutual trust. When agreeing on family laws, it is worth remembering that they should not cause obvious rejection in the child and limit his freedom. In addition, we must not forget that parents themselves must strictly adhere to all the rules.
If you think that prohibitions and freedoms only work for your child, then you are naive and arrogant. With this approach, you can’t even count on the child treating you with trust.
Important
The reward system should also be discussed as a separate point, but do not use money as an incentive. Otherwise, interaction with the child will be built on the principle “you - to me, I - to you.”
Tip #4: Don't forget to be respectful
Do you want your child to respect you? Then why don’t you follow this rule yourself? A teenager is a mature personality and has his own point of view on a particular issue. However, most modern parents do not take into account their child’s position in controversial situations. They are surprised that the child does not listen to them and argues on any occasion, but what are they waiting for, surrounding him with demands and imposing their desires?
Let your child solve his own problems, especially if he doesn't ask you for help. The only thing you can do is say that you are always there and ready to provide support if it is needed. This approach will show the teenager not only that you respect him, but also trust him.
Tip #5: Let your teen be involved in solving problems.
It is very easy to scold a child for mistakes and breaking rules, saying that he is already an adult and must behave like an adult. But at the same time, surprisingly, parents continue to push the teenager into the background when resolving issues that affect the life of the family as a whole. Isn't it time to decide how to perceive your child? If he is still small, then you should not demand from him the behavior of an adult. Well, if he has already grown up, then the time has come to involve him in an active role within the family.
You will say that you do not involve him in solving problems because you want to protect him from possible unrest. Undoubtedly, your desire is laudable, and your position has a right to exist. But what is the benefit of such an attitude? Will this help the child understand what responsibility for himself and the decisions he makes means?
Important
The family is the launching pad within which a teenager learns to interact with the world around him. The more actively he takes part in the life of his family, the more fully he will feel what awaits him ahead.
Tip No. 6. Forget about categorical prohibitions
In every teenager there lives a certain spirit of contradiction, which only does what pushes its owner into a constant struggle with the outside world. Remember that with strict prohibitions and categorical phrases you will achieve the opposite effect. The teenager will not obey; he will become even more active in violating the boundaries of what is permitted.
If a child behaves incorrectly and the consequences of his actions may turn out to be tragic, then do not press him with statements like “and I say that you will do exactly this!”, “I know better, but you still don’t understand anything” or “my the word is the law, when you grow up, then you will decide for yourself!” Understand that this position of yours pushes the child away from you even more and leads him to the conclusion that there is no point in counting on you.
A teenager lives with complete confidence that, due to his age, you cannot understand the full depth of his experiences and, in general, he knows everything perfectly well without you. It’s better to give him an example of the possible development of this or that situation, what risks there may be in the event of one or another of his actions. Pay special attention to the arguments that you will give to justify your opinion.
Tip #7: Let your child express himself
A teenager is in constant search of himself, he is looking for ways to express what worries him and what accumulates inside him. A striking example of such self-expression is the existence of various youth subcultures. Don't stop your child from expressing himself. If he wants to dress in a black robe and go to rock music concerts, then so be it. All this is a temporary phenomenon that the teenager will outgrow in a fairly short time.
In order not to completely lose control of the situation, ask the teenager what exactly attracts him to the new lifestyle. Give him the opportunity to speak out, try to “recruit” you into like-minded people. Show that you are interested in his hobbies, this way you are more likely to win him over than if you start telling him that all this is nonsense that can bring a lot of trouble.
Important
Try to find out more about your child's social circle. Then it will be easier for you to assess the situation as a whole and intervene if necessary.
Tip #8: Encourage and praise your teenager
It’s rare that a parent remembers that in addition to punishments, there should also be rewards. Why, if a child behaves well and does not break the rules, do mothers and fathers not consider it necessary to praise him? It is not surprising that teenagers do not strive to adhere to established requirements, because they do not see any benefit from this for themselves.
At the same time, it is worth especially noting that breaking the rules is sometimes desirable because parents will finally be distracted from their super important matters and will pay attention to their child. Yes, yes, disobedience can also be a way of saying “I’m here, don’t ignore me!”
Important
Do not skimp on praise and encouragement, because these are the most effective motivators for becoming even better. And it’s even better if you praise your child in front of witnesses, because the opinions of others are especially important to him.
Features of behavior of a difficult teenager
First, it’s worth understanding the signals that indicate that a teenager is truly difficult.
The first bell is problems in his behavior, which begin at the age of 11-14, depending on the moment of puberty.
There are several behavioral features characteristic of such children:
- negative reaction to the desire to help from relatives and friends;
- negative attitude towards physical touching;
- reluctance to make visual contact with the interlocutor;
- distrustful attitude towards everyone around;
- problems in learning;
- refusal of food or, conversely, uncontrolled appetite;
- sudden mood swings.
In most cases, difficult teenagers need help from professionals. Parents should not be ashamed of this, because timely contact with a teenage psychologist will reduce the risks of serious disorders.
Peculiarities of behavior of difficult teenagers
How to help your child survive the teenage crisis?
Show respect for his new status
Everything is fine with the child, it’s you who don’t want to change your usual relationships, which seriously complicates everything. Stop panicking, it’s time to move to a new level of communication with a teenager, give him more freedom, the right to make his own decisions and be responsible for their consequences. Don't make fun of your child, don't tell him how stupid, underdeveloped or dependent he is on you. Remember yourself at his age, how painful it was for you to listen to such comments from loved ones.
Learn to trust and cooperate
Forget the usual ways of parenting, which were based on prohibitions, orders and pressure. Your task is to become a friend to the child, so that he himself wants to spend time with you, values joint communication, and even looks up to you. Trust is not easy to earn; you have to be open, honest and behave as equals. No control or criticism, only a positive example and unobtrusive support. Your child must learn to make responsible decisions and be responsible for them, because this is his life, not yours. And even if something doesn’t work out today, tomorrow will be different, mistakes are important lessons.
Teach him responsibility
One of the popular mistakes among parents is the habit of backing up their children and taking the fall if something goes wrong. It is not right. Teach your teenager that adulthood means not only rights and freedoms, but also responsibility for the consequences of one’s behavior. Doesn't want to study? Let him get a job and support himself. Wants sex? Let him take precautions or raise his child alone. You can guide him, help him with advice, but you are definitely not obligated to clear away the rubble of his problems. It sounds tough, but it’s honest and works flawlessly (better than boring lectures and reading morals).
