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The good old fairy tale about an unhappy girl fulfilling all the whims of her evil stepmother is a very common plot in real life. At the end of the fairy tale, Cinderella got what she deserved when she met a handsome prince. But this is just a fairy tale, and there will be no happy ending in life until Cinderella herself takes control of the situation.
Cinderella syndrome is typical for both girls and men.
There are women who are a good housewife and wife, mother and conscientious worker, but she is unhappy because her career does not work out, her husband and colleagues do not respect her, the children do not obey, and the reason lies in uncertainty, as well as in a tendency to self-deprecation , self-criticism and “sick” perfectionism. This is the psychology of their behavior. They are helpful, cannot refuse requests, and those around them brazenly take advantage of this.
Cinderella syndrome - what is it?
How to recognize Cinderella syndrome in yourself
Symptoms:
- a woman “has her head in the clouds”, not paying attention to pressing matters;
- low self-esteem;
- unsuccessful attempts to earn universal respect through humility;
- humility, inability to prove one’s point of view;
- a woman has various complexes;
- inability to enjoy life and have fun;
- excessive emotional attachment to loved ones;
- passion for TV series, novels, idealization of a partner.
A woman, having Cinderella syndrome, still dreams of a fairy-tale life. But these are just illusions. To make a dream come true, it is necessary to act, but the psychology of Cinderellas does not allow this, they remain in an imaginary world.
Reliability is a symptom of Cinderella syndrome
Alice in Wonderland syndrome
The first thing that is important to say is that the syndrome is different. All serious disorders are described in the world classifiers of psychiatric diseases. If they are not there, then, as a rule, we are dealing with complexes, i.e. this is not a disease, these are pronounced elements of the psyche that any person possesses.
"Alice in Wonderland". Cartoon frame
As for Alice in Wonderland syndrome, some sources call it micropsia. In the world classifier of diseases, it is described as depersonalization and derealization syndrome. A person loses orientation in space and experiences hallucinations: walls move, legs grow sharply or, on the contrary, shorten, i.e. everything happens that happened to Lewis Carroll’s heroine in the book. There is a general feeling that the body or part of it does not belong to you.
The nature of such phenomena is not completely clear, and if you come to the doctor with complaints, then most likely they will begin to examine you for deeper disorders accompanied by other hallucinations.
Such things can happen in a mild form to children during certain periods of development. Until about three years of age, reality and fantasy are generally confused, that is, the child does not have a clear line, and he does not always understand where it seemed to him and where he did not. Therefore, at a young age, what happens can be considered normal, including because it is difficult to diagnose, and because it is a property of the child’s psyche. But if, already at a conscious age, you feel that space suddenly begins to go somewhere, your body becomes either big or small, this is a reason to contact a psychiatrist. This problem is far from being a “fairy tale syndrome”, which almost never occurs as a separate disorder; the consequences may not be fairy-tale-like.
What to do? Treat with medication, but only under the supervision of a specialist.
Causes of Cinderella syndrome
The root of this problem dates back to childhood. Parents most often place high demands on girls, unlike boys. Parents do not allow their daughter to do anything, they burden her with various household chores in every possible way, enrolling her in classes, forcing her to study hard. All these activities are useful, but the child does not have any free time for entertainment and relaxation. In such cases, the girl begins to think that she is loved for a reason; her parents’ love must be earned through success and achievement. In most cases, such a child does not hear praise, which is very important when raising, but only demands. High demands, on everything else, are made not only by parents, but also by teachers at school, who are dissatisfied with the slightest mistakes. They know that a girl can study better.
The child begins to take such requirements for granted and does not expect praise, believing that she is unworthy of it until she fulfills everything perfectly.
As a result of powerful pressure from adults, the girl’s self-esteem decreases, she withdraws into herself and directs all her strength and thoughts to performing the job flawlessly. This is precisely the behavior that characterizes the Cinderella complex in psychology.
Pinocchio syndrome
This syndrome is also called gelotophobia - it is a kind of “woodiness”, stiffness in the movements of a person who is very afraid that they will laugh at him. You won’t find it in the classifier, but there is another definition - narcissistic disorder.
"Pinnochio". Cartoon frame
I would also note the fact that Pinocchio is a character who the entire book revolves around one problem: is he a real boy or not. How can he get the answer to this question? Only some significant person can give it, he cannot do it himself, i.e. in this case we are talking about orientation towards external assessment. A person cannot feel good and worthy until someone important recognizes this. With narcissistic personality disorder, you are completely dependent on the evaluation of others. There are girls who say: “I know that a short skirt doesn’t suit me, I have crooked legs, but it’s hot now, and I’ll wear it, I don’t care what they think of me.” A girl with narcissistic disorder will never do this; she is afraid of the negative assessment of others and her own condemnation.
It often seems to us that a narcissist is a person who admires himself and gets high on himself, but in fact this is far from the case! This person is in a prison of his own and other people’s assessments, he always depends on them, and the most unpleasant thing is that he will be praised, even if every day they say that he is good, he will not worry less.
What to do? With such a syndrome, you need to go to psychotherapy; there is no need to treat it with medication, but you won’t be able to get rid of it on your own.
Cinderella Men
There are also men with Cinderella syndrome. Such men grow up from boys who had no sisters, and all the housework fell on him.
They grow up quiet, with many complexes, closed, but economical. These are called henpecked. They enjoy doing housework and cede the role of head of the family to their wife.
Henpecked man - Cinderella syndrome
Sleeping Beauty Syndrome
The second name is Kleine-Levin syndrome. The person sleeps a lot, gets up only to eat and go to the toilet, and is very irritated when he is woken up or told that he sleeps a lot. It is this syndrome that can appear several times a year and last 3–6 days. If such periodicity is not observed, then this may no longer be Kleine-Levin syndrome. Perhaps this is one of the symptoms of very deep depression.
"Sleeping Beauty". Cartoon frame
In addition, I would like to talk here about the Sleeping Beauties that we encounter in the analysis. These are women who live a “correct” life, without feeling its fullness; they can live “on rough drafts,” like Cinderella. But such beauties are “richer” than Cinderella: they are cold (insensitive) and emotionally dependent. Insensitivity in this case is not due to cruelty, but to a large amount of internal pain from feelings once experienced. A similar disorder is typical for many people; they may not physically sleep, but they are not living, but are in an altered state. That is, you can “sleep” in different ways, drugs and alcohol give the same effect. A person drives himself into a corner for one simple reason: reality is intolerable as it is.
In the classifier, this syndrome is described in several disorders, including narcissistic, depressive and emotional dependence, which, in fact, pushes people to experiment with alcohol and other things.
What to do: go to a psychotherapist or psychoanalyst.
What are the mistakes of Cinderellas?
The excessive demands of parents and others, the lack of strength to perform perfectly and the inability to satisfy all demands awaken in little Cinderella a feeling of inferiority. She considers herself unworthy of happiness, career growth, high wages, success, a wealthy and loving husband. She is always content with little, and perceives praise as something supernatural.
From childhood, the belief instilled by her parents that good girls should be modest makes her believe that she is unworthy of praise and receives it undeservedly.
Unhappy Cinderella understands her situation, but cannot do anything about it, because she believes that she is unworthy of more. Such women understand their second-class status and meekly pull the burden, showing patience with their husband’s neglect and poor work with low pay.
Motivation: singing my song
In the modern world, motivation is one of the cornerstones of psychology. In the most general terms: motivation is what pushes a person to take (mostly) meaningful actions. This is the answer to the question “why are you doing this?” The sum of our desires, conscious and not so conscious. For example, when your son does biology for three hours, the motivation could be: the desire to get a good grade and the promised gift at the end of the quarter (“positive motivation”); fear of getting a bad grade and being punished (“negative motivation”); interest in the subject (“cognitive motivation”); the desire to show off in class and earn the favorable glance of Katya, who sits across the row to the left (“social motivation”), and so on. They talk about “the predominance of gaming motivation over academic motivation” among younger schoolchildren. Create “consumer motivation” among potential buyers. They organize special events to “increase work motivation” among employees. Let’s take a closer look at work motivation.
Why do we even work? A strange question, you say, for food, of course. Also for self-realization, so as not to sit at home, because that’s the custom. In order to earn the respect of others. “To feel like a worthy member of society,” said the working mother of two children during the consultation. Well, well, but from this point in more detail.
“Why are you sitting there useless, go do something better!”, “Good girl? Are you listening to mom? Do you help at home?”, “What do you mean “I can’t”? There is a word “must!” And for dessert: “Time for business - time for fun!” - above the entrance to the pioneer camp club. That is, translated from parent to child: you are good only when you bring us benefit. We will love you if you do everything that you are told, regardless of fatigue, reluctance to do exactly this and right now, in short - if you forget about yourself and do what others need.
Why did Cinderella meekly fulfill all the whims of her tyrant stepmother and stepsisters? Because deep down in her soul she was confident in the inevitable reward, in the appearance of a loving Prince, that if she was kind and “useful,” sooner or later someone strong and powerful would notice her efforts and reward her royally. This motive goes back, on the one hand, to Christian morality (reward in heaven according to the merits of earthly life), and on the other, to the infantile idea that parents are gods who see everything, know everything, read in hearts, and in the end - what? - That's right, they will reward or punish at their discretion.
Treatment methods
It is possible and necessary to get rid of the good girl complex, otherwise you can remain a worker bee for the rest of your life with low wages and endure the neglect of your spouse, children, and reprimands from your superiors, hoping for a reward based on your merits, which you cannot easily get.
The first step to correction is awareness and acceptance of the problem.
It takes hard and long work, but it will teach you to respect and love yourself:
Awareness of the problem
You need to learn the word “no”. If a woman with Cinderella syndrome is asked for something, then it is more like a demand, because the person knows in advance that she will not refuse the request and will not demand anything in return. But you don’t have to agree and run to fulfill the request. If the request is unpleasant or you don't have time to do it, you can decline it without coming up with a string of excuses. Every person has the right to simply refuse.
Increase self-esteem
Cinderellas, as you know, always have low self-esteem. They are perfectionists who focus on failures but ignore successes. To increase self-esteem, you can take a sheet of paper and write down your shortcomings and advantages, of which there will be more. You can also celebrate your successes during the day and simply praise yourself for it. Praise from others should also be taken for granted, and not blush and scatter in compliments. They praised it, which means it was deserved.
A visit to a psychologist, special meditation techniques, and auto-training will help you cope with low self-esteem.
Spend time on yourself
Every day at least a couple of hours should be devoted to personal interests and desires. You can go to a beauty salon, join a gym, take up your hobby, or just read a book. And let everyone know that you cannot be disturbed over trifles in your personal time.
Little gifts for yourself
Pamper yourself
- Sometimes you can treat yourself to a new beautiful thing, go to a restaurant. It's important to think that you deserve the best.
- You don't have to be a "good girl" to everyone. It is simply impossible to be good to everyone. Otherwise, those around you, seeing such behavior, “sit on your neck.”
- It is not necessary to tolerate people's unpleasant behavior or attitude. Everyone has every right to respond to rudeness with rudeness, to become angry or offended.
To realize your dream, you just need to love and respect yourself, understanding that you deserve the best, then everything will work out.
Is it good to be Cinderella?
Olga Arkadyeva |
7.12.2014 | 806 Olga Arkadyeva 12/7/2014 806
The tale of Cinderella has become the embodiment of the dream of women's happiness. Sweet, flexible, modest, she reflects the best traits of a woman’s character and receives a prince as a reward. Is it so good to be Cinderella in real life?
Disadvantages of Cinderella's character
It would seem that Cinderella has a lot of virtues, and a modern prince should certainly fall for them. If not for one “but”: weak-willed, she is content with some pitiful crumbs, is ready to serve and please everyone, humbly accepts her fate, and is not adapted to difficult everyday situations. It is unlikely that the current prince will pay attention to such a modest woman. Even if she dreams not of a prince, but of quiet family happiness with an equally modest person, still no one will bring it on a platter if she just sits, waits and does nothing for it. In her heart, Cinderella, perhaps, realizes that those around her are shamelessly taking advantage of her, and sometimes simply openly “wiping their feet,” but she humbly pulls her cart and prefers to quietly wait for changes for the better. But wanting happiness and creating it are not the same thing!
Uncertainty, her own fears and delusions, fear of deciding to act, low self-esteem prevent Cinderella from loving herself and becoming happy. She is so afraid of making a mistake that she tries to look flawless in the eyes of others.
What can you learn from Cinderella?
Do you recognize Cinderella in yourself? Don't despair: there is a lot to learn from the heroine of this fairy tale. Let's look at when Cinderella's main qualities can even be useful.
• Patience: good when combined with activity - difficult, but it works. • Hard work: what you put into your life is what you will get. • Possibility of non-standard solutions: if you can’t go to the ball with your sisters, you can go in a pumpkin carriage. • Cinderella is an addicted person: she went to the ball only once - and immediately became carried away by the prince, forgetting about time. This means that in the right situation such people can live, work, and relax with passion. • Magic: each of us periodically has a chance to realize ourselves. If you manage to use it, you’re lucky, but no, the carriage will turn into a pumpkin. Remember about time: it is fleeting, you need to catch the bird of luck. • The opportunity to be a princess: at least once in a lifetime, but it happens to absolutely everyone. And you allow yourself this more than once or twice - become a princess. • We must be grateful to both fairies and stepmothers - they give us invaluable life lessons.
What should a woman with a Cinderella character do?
Depending on the situation, you need to be able to be different, change the scenario of your life. To be Cinderella, and her sisters, and stepmother, and fairy.
• Do you have many good qualities? Give them the right assessment and do not confuse kindness with the desire to please everyone. • Be more decisive and don't be afraid to make a mistake that can always be corrected. If you don’t like something: work, husband, environment - don’t be afraid to change it. • Don't follow people's lead! Why look into their mouths and guess their every desire? Defend your own interests! • Remember, although Cinderella initially put her glass slipper on one of her sisters, in the end she decided to try it on herself. Otherwise, she would never have become that fairy-tale princess. • And one more thing: take care of your glass slipper. What this fabulous image hides is known only to you. But remember: you are individual, and the shoe is only yours!
RelationshipsWomen's psychologyIn harmony with yourself
