How to stop being afraid to kiss a guy on the lips

In this article, psychologist Anna Evlitskaya answers the question “How to stop being afraid of kissing a guy on the lips?”

Question of the Day: I'm afraid to kiss a guy on the lips. We meet, but I'm still afraid. How to overcome fear? Elle Girl editor Masha Denisova knows the answer.

Text: Masha Denisova · December 22, 2014

Answer: Are you afraid? Or don't you want to? If the former, then close your eyes, take in more air into your lungs and go! Yes, before that, don’t forget to read our material about thoughts during the first kiss. He will cheer you up. And if you still don’t want to, then don’t even try. Wait until the desire arises.

Fear of the first kiss

Most often, the fear of the first kiss is based on the fear of being rejected. There is no more stupid situation than when we talk about our love and stumble upon distance, misunderstanding and ridicule. Or we perform any actions that speak of love: we give flowers, hug, kiss, and with the same result. But if for a guy being rejected is just a nuisance, for a girl this can turn into a completely psychological disaster. Personal manifestation of activity in relationships is perceived by many women as an extreme measure. And if this measure is rejected, a woman can conclude that she has a complete lack of sexual attractiveness. It must be said that this is a false conclusion.

Doing everything for the first time is scary. Especially something that has spectators and other participants in front of whom we can embarrass ourselves. The second reason for the fear of the first kiss is the fear of disgracing yourself by not knowing how to do it. Every man wants to seem like a seasoned macho. And macho men probably kiss in a special way. But how? It's a little different for women. They want to appear appropriately virginal and inexperienced, but at the same time be excellent at everything related to relationships and sex. Any inability to do something related to men is perceived very painfully by a woman.

The picture is completed by various kinds of fears, the validity of which is in question. For example, fear of odors and lack of cleanliness of your own mouth. Some chew several packs of gum a day and use an incredible amount of air fresheners, wasting a lot of money on deodorization. They never eat not only onions and garlic, but also a lot of other foods that could theoretically give off some kind of smell.

How to overcome the fear of the first kiss?

In a person's life, everything ever happens for the first time: first grade, first love, first date, first kiss... And this is absolutely nothing to be afraid or embarrassed about. We understand that doing something for the first time is always difficult; first of all, our own complexes hinder us. So here are some simple tips on how to overcome your fear of your first kiss. You'll see, you'll love it so much that you won't want to stop!

To overcome fear, first of all, you should study everything related to kissing techniques. That way, when That Moment comes, you won’t worry about doing something wrong. However, you shouldn’t focus too much on following the technique. You won't be able to relax and have fun (and more importantly, please your partner) if all you think about is where to put your hand and how to move your lips.

Understand for yourself: the correct technique simply does not exist, and actions during a kiss are most often performed unconsciously!

The next thing you can do to stop being afraid of the first kiss is not to rush the moment. First, you need to achieve maximum emotional intimacy with your partner. First, if you completely trust him or her, then there will be virtually no fear of doing anything wrong (or having some kind of unpleasant experience yourself). And secondly, when you are both ripe for a kiss, your feelings will reach such an intensity that it will be stupid to be afraid of a kiss, you will want more than anything in the world to kiss your loved one - and everything will happen by itself!

You should also choose the right moment for the kiss. Agree, if your partner is not at all in the mood to kiss, it is unlikely that you will be able to make the right impression with a kiss. The most important sign that you are expected to kiss is that your partner allows you to be in your personal comfort zone and also looks intently into your eyes. Girls can still glance coquettishly at their partner’s lips, hinting at their desire.

Another trick is to start small. Scared to kiss on the lips? Kiss your hands (if you're a guy), cheeks, neck, or earlobe. This will be a kind of preparation for you, and when you feel that the time has come for the Most Important Kiss, the fear will no longer be so strong. Why be afraid if you've already kissed this person so many times?

That's all. Love each other, kiss and do not forget to take care of pleasant emotions for your partner!

How to overcome the fear of the first kiss?

First you need to work through the fear of rejection. In short, for this you need, firstly, to realize that refusal is normal, and not make a tragedy out of it, learn to regularly receive refusals, and live happily with it. And it is also necessary to remember about female coquetry, which may not allow you to immediately respond with consent even to a proposal that a woman was looking forward to. Secondly, you need to learn to recognize the hidden sexual signals given by women and men so that you never make a mistake with a proposal.

Now a few words about skill. A kiss is a type of caress designed to enhance sexual arousal. Of course, you can approach the matter in detail and study the relevant literature. But is this really necessary? After all, one person is different from another, and what is pleasant to one may leave another indifferent. Therefore, there is not and cannot be a single technology for sexual caresses. Instead of trying to master the technique from textbooks, I would recommend ordinary attentiveness and the ability to draw conclusions. When touching your partner, no matter what - with your hand or tongue - try to catch the feedback. After just a few such experiences, you will master the technique of caressing or kissing much better than following any instructions.

When it comes to bad breath, there are just a few instructions you need to follow. Firstly, you need to clearly understand that no toothpastes or chewing gums can replace a dentist. If periodontal disease, caries, tartar and other troubles occur, bad breath is guaranteed. Therefore, in any case, the oral cavity must be tidied up with the help of a professional. When this is done, you can brush your teeth in the morning, and before the intended kiss, chew mint chewing gum for no more than 10 minutes. This will be quite enough if you didn’t overeat on garlic or onions yesterday.

Philemophobia

Philemophobia manifests itself as a fear of kissing in general. Those who have it try to avoid kissing under a variety of pretexts, sometimes inventing completely outlandish stories. But it happens that they honestly admit their phobia and ask their partner to treat them with understanding. In some cases, philemophobia does not go too far, and the person can kiss, although he overcomes himself in doing so. In other, more rare cases, people categorically refuse kisses, the very thought of which is unbearable for them. Under certain circumstances, this can put a normal sex life at risk.

There can be many reasons for philemophobia. For example, a bad experience with the first, and if you were very unlucky, then with subsequent kisses. Such as a rude refusal with ridicule, or a strong bad breath from a partner, or, even worse, a forced kiss from an unpleasant person that had to be endured. Such circumstances can greatly traumatize an unformed young psyche and turn them away for a long time from kissing even attractive and desirable people.

Another cause of philemophobia is the fear of contracting some disease. In the human mouth there are about 40,000 bacteria of up to 400 different species. But this does not mean that they, like watchdogs, will rush at the one who has invaded the owner’s mouth. The microflora in the mouth of a healthy person is quite safe. But there is one small caveat. Recent research shows that the set of microorganisms constantly present in the human mouth is unique, and theoretically allows for personal identification like fingerprints. And this set varies greatly depending on nationality. In other words, members of distant ethnic groups living in different parts of the world may have very different microbes in their mouths. Therefore, residents of Europe should exercise caution in close physical contact with permanent residents, for example, of Africa or Indochina.

A less justified cause of philemophobia are various fantasies of impressionable people, which have acquired the status of permanent and obsessive. These fantasies are numerous and varied, and are combinations of imaginary physical, biological and mystical threats. Physical ones include variations on the theme of intentional or accidental traumatization of the tongue by the teeth of a partner, or on the theme of suffocation during a kiss. A biological threat may appear to come either from microbes unknown to science or from the penetration of biological material from another person. Mystical threats are most often thought of as the danger of unwanted personality transformation under the influence of information transmitted through saliva.

Reasons for insecurity and 3 tips for guys on how to overcome their fear of the first kiss

The basis of any discomfort is a lack of knowledge of how to behave with the opposite sex. Admit to yourself your own inexperience, but this can be corrected. Remember: a girl is also worried if she likes a young man.

When more romantic dates with unfamiliar girls happen in a guy’s life, the fear of getting closer will recede. Some men have no problem at all with how to overcome their fear of the first kiss; some use self-hypnosis techniques or turn to a psychotherapist to get rid of this complex.

Four tips will help young people cope with the situation:

The first date requires psychological preparedness. On the eve of the upcoming meeting, imagine how it will happen. The more scenarios you can come up with in your imagination, the better. Are you actually afraid of kissing a girl? Watch her reactions and you will understand how justified the doubts are.

How to understand that a girl also wants to kiss you? She is worried, but her gestures and postures speak of openness, she does not take her eyes off, she enjoys your touch. When a woman comes to a meeting, looks at her watch and spends more time on her phone? Hold off on kissing, take a closer look at your partner again: it means she is not interested in you.

Overcome indecisiveness! With a kiss in physical terms it is simpler: an unsuccessful attempt to kiss will end in a tactful refusal.

In your imagination, try on the mask of your favorite character from a movie or book before getting closer. When you feel like a different person, it is:

gives confidence;
increases self-esteem;
makes possible failures less painful; they are perceived detachedly, from an outside observer’s position.

Try the suggested methods of dealing with your doubts and fears. Live the kiss itself in your imagination:

Imagine what a kiss with this woman tastes like, what emotions it evokes.
Get used to the image of who you imagine yourself to be at this moment: a charming hero, a shy romantic, maybe someone else...
Vividly, in your imagination, live the date itself, from beginning to end, evoking vivid feelings, so that the date itself will be easier in reality.

The date ended, but there was still no kiss? Accept this fact as an experience, not a defeat. Analyze the situation, and on your next date, don’t make the same mistakes you made at the meeting. It also happens that there is simply no chemistry between people, and this is normal.

Nothing worked to touch those desired lips? Accept this event. To minimize disappointment, imagine failure on a date in advance, and the worst that could happen:

When you notice a woman's sympathy for you (looks into your eyes, accepts touch), you may have a desire to get closer. Do you want the date to end with a kiss? The path to rapprochement is simple:

Start the meeting with touch. As if by chance, touching the girl with his shoulder or hand.
If she tells you something, ask her clarifying questions.
Adjust your breathing to it. A person usually begins to speak while inhaling and finishes speaking while exhaling. Take a breath as soon as the girl says something. And exhale as the speech ends. After some time, a special connection will be established between you. Rapport. and you will feel unity and harmony with each other. The girl will also feel something familiar in you.
Maintain eye contact carefully. Scientists have proven that looking into the eyes of an unfamiliar person for more than 30 seconds is perceived as a manifestation of aggression.
Before the kiss, inhale her scent by leaning towards her face. If the woman does not interrupt the moment of intimacy, touch her lips.
For those who are afraid to immediately kiss a girl on the lips, you can try this: touch the cheek, kiss the corners of the mouth, then the lips themselves.
The first kiss may happen on the second date, and that's okay. If more than three have passed, then most likely the kiss will never happen.

If a girl likes you but refuses to kiss you, gently find out why. The reasons for this may be:

You haven't gotten close enough to her;
She has philemaphobia - fear of kisses;
She is overly squeamish;
Experiencing negative past experiences;
Fear of violation of personal space;
The virgin has never been kissed (although it is very rare to meet such people now);
She is not allowed to do this by personal beliefs inherited from her mother or grandmother;
She wears braces and has a complex about it;
Someone was sexually aggressive towards her.

Our good advice is that it is better if you communicate only with those who like you and do not hide it. She immediately sends you 3-4 replies to your message, she wants to see you, she invites you on dates. There are such girls, and it’s quite possible to meet them.

Often young girls are afraid of kissing. The majority of them are very afraid to be the first to kiss their young people. For example, today you can very often hear such words from a girl’s mouth as: I want to kiss a guy but I’m afraid. How to explain this fear and how to get rid of it?