One of the psychological barriers to a happy love or family relationship is jealousy. It complicates relationships between partners, and in excessive amounts is often the cause of divorce. Some consider the feeling of jealousy unacceptable and very low. Others believe that it is a confirmation of love and concern. So is jealousy good or bad? Let's try to understand this delicate issue.
He will also find out what this feeling imitates in us and whether it is possible to get rid of it. Indeed, for many, jealousy becomes a real tormentor, poisoning relationships with a loved one and their own life.
Jealousy on the part of the weak
Psychologists classify jealousy in love relationships according to the type of personality it comes from. It is customary to distinguish between jealousy generated by weakness and jealousy on the part of a tyrant. The first type of jealousy is experienced by people with low self-esteem. They consider themselves unworthy, worthless, so they are afraid of losing their “soul mate.” After all, there are so many more attractive, more successful, more interesting people around! But it should be noted that weak people rarely express their dissatisfaction and show jealousy in any aggressive way. In this case, severe destruction occurs within the very personality of the jealous person.
My relationship is moving too fast. Is it good or bad?
There is no right answer to the question: at what speed should your relationship develop? Some couples prefer to stretch out moments of intimacy, getting closer gradually, while others act on the “all at once” principle. It all depends on your personal preferences and inclinations. However, there are several universal signs that show the active progression of your relationship. Psychologists have told us in which situations you should relax, and in which you should hit the brakes.
You have chosen the names of your future children, but do not yet know each other's parents
Photo: Emmanuel Hidalgo
If you have already begun to raise such important and serious topics as family, children and a future together, it’s time to get to know each other better. It seems that your relationship is moving to a new, more serious stage. Invite the guy to dinner with your parents, and then drop by to visit the young man. Meeting loved ones will bring you and your partner closer.
You've only been together for a few months, but it feels like you've known each other your whole life.
Photo: the5options.com
Half of your things have already moved to his house, every weekend together - alone or in the company of friends, and you have already managed to go on your first joint vacation. Your relationship is developing at a good pace - this suggests that you complement each other perfectly and feel like one “team”.
You start ignoring your family and friends
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Love consumes all your thoughts. You no longer have time for your parents, and between meeting with friends and going on a date, you choose the latter without hesitation. What if he gets disappointed and leaves? This is a clear sign of a toxic relationship. Understand your fear of losing your partner and try not to let the phobia ruin your new romance.
You've dramatically rearranged your life because of a new partner
Photo: Life Goals Mag
The more you date, the more interests and hobbies you share, and your habits gradually change as you live together. It `s naturally. But if, after a week of dating, you decide to quit your dream job and move to your lover’s hometown, there is a risk of becoming very disappointed in this action over time. Appreciate the things you enjoy and stay true to your ideals and values. Relationships should develop your personality, not destroy it.
You make joint plans easily and quickly
Photo: Junebug Weddings
As soon as you start talking about wanting to meet, your partner is already offering you dating options. There's little disagreement when you decide where you'll go this weekend, what you'll order for dinner, and what comedy you'll watch before bed. This is a good sign of mutual understanding among partners.
You are discussing the possibility of marriage, but have not tried to live together
Photo: seethejourney.com
Living together is a responsible step, a kind of “test” of future life together. Before submitting an application to the registry office and preparing for the wedding, try moving in together and see how your relationship develops. If you have no doubt that you are perfect for each other, you can move on to the next stage.
Are you afraid that your boyfriend will soon get tired of you?
Photo: vix.com
You've only been together for a couple of months, but you're already haunted by the feeling that your boyfriend isn't interested in spending time with you. Have an open conversation with the guy and try to figure out what is causing the untimely apathy.
You both know things are happening too fast and you're okay with that.
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It doesn’t matter when your “first time” happens and at what point you decide to move in together - in 5 years or two weeks. If you and your partner feel comfortable, you're probably lucky to have met your person. Take care of your choices and appreciate each other's feelings.
My relationship is moving too fast. Is it good or bad? was last modified: September 19, 2020 by 7sisters
love, relationships, relationship psychology, sex
Tyrannical jealousy
This type of jealousy usually accompanies relationships in which one of the partners is the owner and experiences consumer feelings for his chosen one or chosen one. For this type of people there is no such thing as another person's freedom or the right to choose. Therefore, jealousy flares up whenever the tyrant feels that his partner has distracted himself from him and switched his attention to something or someone else.
In addition to jealousy by personality type, jealousy by gender is also distinguished, that is, jealousy of a man and jealousy of a woman.
Man's jealousy
Men's priority is a woman's physical fidelity. In other words, usually a man’s “red light” comes on only when strange men touch his woman or “pull their paws.” Conversations, smiles, hints - all this remains beyond male perception and usually does not become a reason for jealousy. But such little things as a given coat, a frank look, a handshake - all this can cause a serious scandal.
In order to decide whether jealousy in a relationship is good or bad, you need to pay attention to important psychological differences in the behavior of men and women. Men experience jealousy much more acutely because they are not prone to violent expression of momentary feelings. Tension and rage accumulate in them from time to time until an explosion of tremendous power occurs. Insecure men suffering from an inferiority complex and problems with self-esteem are prone to minor quarrels, reproaches and constant scandals. Boys raised in an atmosphere of unconditional love and maximum attention grow up to be incredibly jealous. They are used to getting everything they want without extra effort and transfer this model of failure in adulthood to relationships with women.
Often men mistakenly assess the behavior of their chosen one and use jealousy where it is inappropriate. For example, some representatives of the stronger half take a woman’s increased attention to her figure, appearance, and makeup as a desire to please someone specific, but not him. That is, if a woman takes care of herself, it means she is cheating. Sometimes women dress up for work, but on weekends they are in no hurry to “spoil up.” This only confirms the suspicions of some husbands that their wife is having an affair at work. After all, on weekdays she strives to be a beauty, and when she doesn’t need to go to work, she doesn’t even think about preening herself. Obviously, because there is no reason for this. In fact, a woman just wants to take a break from the daily beauty marathon and be natural. The following can be recommended to men in such situations: do not think about what is not there. If your woman stays with you on the weekends, then this is exactly what she wants.
How to characterize feelings of jealousy
We are surrounded by stressful situations every day, so we want to happily return home and feel as calm as possible. But it also happens that after a hard day at work, the other half suddenly throws up scenes of jealousy. We are at a loss and don’t know where our partner got such suspicions from. Let's consider the nature of this phenomenon.
In psychology, jealousy is a multicomponent feeling that includes several components:
- dependence on a partner
- sense of ownership
- low self-esteem,
- mistrust in relationships.
As can be seen from the list, jealous people are people with their own cockroaches in their heads, who first of all need to work on themselves. It’s normal for a feeling of mistrust to arise out of nowhere occasionally, or if there really was a reason. Perhaps this even slightly warms up the relationship, as it shows the partner’s uncooling interest.
But pathological jealousy is not a sign of love, as we used to think, keeping in mind the well-known saying. Jealousy is a disease that kills relationships and torments the souls of both partners.
This phenomenon manifests itself differently in men and women. The stronger sex is jealous mainly because it feels its own dignity is violated. Guys don’t compare themselves with their supposed opponent; they don’t think about the causes, but see only the consequences. Their pride needs constant feeding.
Women often compare themselves with their competitors and not in their favor, while believing that men pay attention to other ladies for this very reason. For representatives of the fair sex, the possible close emotional contact of a partner with a rival is very scary.
The most interesting thing is that such an unhealthy feeling arises not only in relation to imaginary or real homewreckers. There is friendly jealousy, towards former partners, towards hobbies, work and even towards a car! That is, what is paramount here is the presence of an object towards which one can feel a sense of possessiveness, and the fear of losing attention to one’s own person. And there will always be a reason to be jealous.
Nobody wants to live like on a volcano. Therefore, it is important to notice an emerging problem and solve it at the initial stage. To do this, it is better to immediately pay attention to the first signals indicating mistrust and understand the possible reasons for the jealousy of the other half.
Woman's jealousy
The reasons for female jealousy often lie on a slightly different plane than the reasons for the same feeling in men. But women suffer from jealousy no less often than representatives of the stronger sex.
Most often, women suffer from jealousy not physically, but emotionally. That is, ladies begin to worry even when their man has just looked at or talked to another. And constant conversations, frequent conversations, common interests with another woman will lead any lady into the state of an angry Othello. Women forgive physical betrayal much more simply and easily than emotional betrayal, although the former inflicts no less painful wounds on them. At the same time, the phenomenon of “emotional betrayal” is completely unclear to men. For them, there is nothing special about free communication with other women. On this basis, scandals and misunderstandings often occur in couples.
Female jealousy has many manifestations. For example, at the very beginning of a relationship, ladies strive to completely conquer their partner. They do everything so that his thoughts, actions, actions 24 hours a day are directed only at them. Any step to the side becomes a reason for jealousy and scandal. Usually in normal relationships this behavior goes away over time.
Another common situation: a woman lives in suspicion about the fidelity of her chosen one. This manifestation of jealousy is characterized by checking phones, checking time, checking the road, etc. But all this becomes the cause of even greater tension, as it constantly feeds unpleasant thoughts. A woman suffering from jealousy can misunderstand even the most innocent situation. The reason for such jealousy lies in banal self-doubt.
Despite the fact that a seemingly faithful man has nothing to hide and such behavior of his wife should not stress him out, these situations always spoil the relationship. Firstly, any suspicion for a faithful man will be insulting and humiliating. Secondly, a woman who is constantly under tension is unlikely to be a pleasant interlocutor or lover. In some couples, the situation reaches the point of absurdity when the man’s thoughtfulness becomes a reason for jealousy. Women who seriously suffer from an inferiority complex may believe that at this time the man dreams of other ladies.
Selfishness is another common cause of female jealousy. Some ladies forget that next to them is a living person with his own interests. Therefore, a scandal can break out over a meeting with friends or a football match. If such behavior does not go away after several months of relationship, then this union is doomed to a bad ending. In this situation, a woman should think about why it is so important for her to have a man nearby? Maybe she just has nothing better to do? Maybe her life has turned into walking in circles from work to home to her loved one. A bright, interesting hobby, communication with friends, and entertainment will help you break the vicious circle and get rid of jealousy.
Why don’t your loved one (beloved) believe in your sincere feelings for him (her)?
Men tend to be jealous because their ego constantly needs to prove its exceptionality. They will not compare themselves with a supposed competitor; what is important to them is not the cause, but the effect. Inflating their pride with fictitious infidelities, they feel violated in their rights as a male to a female.
Women base their unhealthy feelings on comparisons with their rivals. Low self-esteem pushes them to jealousy; they are afraid not so much of physical betrayal, but more of the contact of their loved one with another woman on an emotional level. But in both sexes, jealousy is considered a completely normal reaction if it is justified. That is, it did not arise out of nowhere. What types of jealousy are there, and is all jealousy a manifestation of selfishness or a sense of one’s own inferiority?
Types of jealousy and their manifestations
The problem of jealousy must be looked at from different angles, and it makes no sense to say unequivocally that jealousy is good or, conversely, bad. The reasons for jealousy can be different. After all, even kids are jealous of their mothers towards their fathers or other brothers and sisters. Jealousy as a psychological phenomenon is divided into four main types.
- Justified jealousy. The signs of growing (or already occurring) betrayal in this case, as they say, are obvious. And a broken heart burns with righteous anger. Or not with anger, but with grief. Doesn't matter. Because everything is bad for him. Such jealousy has a right to exist.
- Jealousy is private. This is private (personal) jealousy, inherent only to one or another type of people. It usually manifests itself in those who grew up and were brought up in difficult families (with oppressive parents, single-parent parents, or where the parents constantly cheated on each other, made scandals). “Life lessons” learned from childhood in the form of “all men are assholes, they only need one thing”, and “women are flighty and unreliable” will definitely affect relationships in the future.
- Jealousy reversed. If we talk about this type of jealousy in a few words, it will sound like this: “Everyone judges by himself.” This type of jealousy is subject to everyone who has their own little head in the dust and who can easily commit adultery. And by reasoning in terms of “Well, if I am, then he (she) is capable of this,” such people give vent to their feelings of suspicion and mistrust.
- "Mature" jealousy. Mostly it affects (jealousy is, first of all, emotional suffering) women in the post-Balzac age, that is, after forty years. She is no longer young, and her husband had a “devil in his side” just at this time. What can I say! After all, just give these young twirlers an already mature (and moneyed) man! As for whether their husband is a “walker” or not, the ladies figure it out themselves. Due to my intelligence and impressionability.
There is another jealous pathology. When betrayal takes place only in a fevered imagination. Moreover, they are perceived so realistically that in this case we can even talk about illness. Such painful jealousy is dangerous both for the partner and for the jealous person himself. It simply drives you crazy, and it is under the influence of this zealous delirium that unthinkable acts and even crimes can be committed.
What does jealousy lead to?
If this painful experience only led to a break in the relationship, it would not be so bad, but it carries with it:
- scandals and squabbles that develop resentment and psychological stress in the jealous party, as well as neuroses and panic psychoses in the jealous;
- undermining the respect and authority of the jealous person on the part of the spouse, and for their children (if they have any) - mental trauma from quarrels between their parents;
- separation of partners both sexually and emotionally;
- various kinds of illnesses of a psychological and physiological nature (high blood pressure, hormonal imbalance, heart problems, impotence, sleep and digestive disorders);
- problems in everyday life and at work, which ultimately affects the quality of life.
The conclusion is simple: there are no ideal people, and there are no ideal relationships. But unreasonable jealousy has nothing to do with love, no matter what they say. A loving person will not drive his loved one to madness and illness, and he will not drive himself to a heart attack or stroke with groundless suspicions. To love means to believe and cherish. To be jealous means to be selfish and to lose everything that is most precious to you - your loved one. What's good about this?
Sibling rivalry
Speaking about childhood jealousy, it is difficult to answer the question: is jealousy good or bad and why? After all, the reason for this feeling in children is based on competition for the approval and attention of their parents. And among the most typical manifestations of jealousy are whims, disobedience, and aggression. This behavior may indicate that the child simply does not have enough attention or communication, and he has found this way to get what he needs.
We must immediately make a reservation that jealousy is an inevitable feeling for children in families where more than one child is growing up. But it always manifests itself in different ways, to varying degrees. Some people sometimes ask for one more goodnight kiss, while others literally don’t give their parents a minute of peace, constantly arguing, swearing and crying.
When is jealousy beneficial?
In long-established relationships, emotions often become less intense and passion subsides. Jealousy can add a spicy touch to a “bland”, boring relationship. This is especially true for married couples. It is useful to allow yourself a little flirtation with the opposite sex so that your chosen one is always in good shape.
If you see that your partner has lost interest in you, jealousy may make him remember his feelings. After all, we often forget that love needs constant nourishment. New emotions, sensations, care are needed. Have you noticed that your partner has begun to treat you worse, and believes that you will not get away from him? Make him jealous and he will remember your importance in his life.
Jealousy can motivate new achievements and self-improvement. A jealous woman pays more attention to her partner and appearance, because she needs to outperform her rivals! This feeling helps you look at yourself from the outside, identify and eliminate shortcomings, and keep yourself in good shape. A man also, when experiencing jealousy, becomes more caring and attentive towards his partner.
Jealousy is a completely normal feeling. Problems arise where people do not know how to negotiate with each other, lie to each other, and do not control their emotions. Learn to control yourself and think rationally! Jealousy can add some spice to your relationship if you want it to!
Alisa, Moscow
Where does jealousy come from?
Jealousy is the product of various factors or their combination. The most important component of jealousy is the need to receive attention and love from the object towards which jealousy is directed. But strong negative emotions lead to the destruction of positive feelings. You need to appreciate what you have. And jealousy will always demand more and more.
The second component of jealousy is selfishness. When a person has never been denied anything and has been brought up as the center of the Universe, it is difficult for him to understand and share other people’s interests, needs and points of view. Being in a relationship with such a person is not easy, because he will have to prove and explain for a long time why it is important to keep in touch with loved ones and friends, why you need to communicate with colleagues, why you need to take care of yourself.
How bad relationships differ from good ones: the opinion of a psychologist
Simple, easy and joyful are signs of a good, healthy relationship. And they work for both genders. Long, difficult and painful - these are signs of hemorrhoids. But why do many people confuse relationships with hemorrhoids?
We are used to relying on the brain, not on sensations. The brain says: “Look, he seems like a normal person, the job is good, he looks decent, he’s not a fool, he’s free... So, communicate, try, normal men don’t lie on the floor.”
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And you feel uncomfortable. Outwardly everything is fine, but inside there is some kind of heaviness and exhaustion.
However, Mogz said: “Go, work on your relationships, you are already 33, so you will throw men and remain an old maid.” And you work.
But the more you work, the more heaviness you feel in your soul.
A man calls and writes to you every day, but all in order to throw some kind of insult - “Why didn’t you answer my message yesterday, why don’t you call, you’re busy again, well, clearly, clearly.” There seems to be a lot of attention, but it’s all like that, with a tinge of pretension.
And very soon you feel that your communication comes down to excuses. Your excuses.
Like a guilty schoolgirl, you explain that there was a rush at work and you were very tired, or you were chatting with a friend, or the battery was dead. You feel bad, but your brain doesn’t back down, it says: “Come on - did you think it would be easy? You’re used to being alone and not answering to anyone, and family life is full of obligations, now you have a man, a good man, by the way, so go study.” And you keep learning. That is, to suffer.
In fact, from the first five minutes of communication with a person it should be simple, in the sense of clear, who he is, what he is and what he wants. And from this understanding it is easy.
When it’s not easy, unclear and difficult, get up and leave. It will only get worse!
When it’s easy, there’s no need to make excuses. You yourself will want to say that you will be late today, and apologize to him for not calling for two days. It’s also easy to quarrel with such a person, because you don’t quarrel at all, you hear each other and are ready to adapt to your partner.
If only you need to adapt, then this is called withdrawal. Another person breaks you and you allow him to do it. In good relationships, people do not break each other, they inspire and delight.
Joy is another sign of a healthy relationship. When you are happy and you are welcome.
Do you like yourself with this man? If you notice that in a relationship you have become tense, irritated, you blame or, on the contrary, get hurt and cry most of the time, then this is not because you have early menopause, or PMS, or you are generally an evil bitch.
This is because the man next to you affects you like that. Doesn’t give you attention, support, interest, doesn’t show you that you occupy a significant place in his life.
If most of the time in a relationship you want to figure it out rather than live it, it means your current relationship is crap.
And your brain can give you another 150 smart tips on how to wrap the poop in a beautiful wrapper, but that won’t make it any better. After all, the filling of the candy wrapper will not change.
If next to your partner you want to smile, become better, even perceive difficulties or difficult moments of the relationship with a positive attitude - you have a good relationship.
Everyone has conflicts. But there is a huge difference between a conflict in which the relationship is sorted out, and one in which the guilty are sought. More precisely, they appoint. Always - you.
So don't listen to your brain. He can give you a thousand practical tips, but not when it comes to relationships. Rely on sensations. They won't deceive. And trust yourself.
If it seems to you that something is going wrong, then it doesn’t seem to you - don’t rush to label yourself suspicious or demanding. This means that you are not comfortable in the relationship. And there are reasons for this.
Simple, easy and joyful - these are the only three things for which we create couples. And we treat hemorrhoids, so why have it in life?
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How to overcome jealousy?
The fight against jealousy should be comprehensive, aimed at eliminating the causes that lie in the personality and temperament of the jealous person. In a specific situation, when jealousy overwhelms you, you can use exercises. For example, write down on a piece of paper all the accumulated reasons for jealousy, from the most acute to the least painful. Then you need to analyze each item and experience all the feelings associated with it. Perhaps this will help you take an unbiased look at the situation that caused jealousy and understand that there is nothing reprehensible in it. After the second reading, many reasons for jealousy will lose all meaning and will no longer cause pain.
