What is loneliness
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There are many definitions. And they are all about emptiness, dullness, hopelessness. Some will say that their friends and colleagues do not understand them. They feel isolated and live as if “behind glass”. Others are so withdrawn into themselves that they do not notice those around them. They lose the need to communicate and express their feelings. Sometimes this can be useful: in moments of solitude we get to know ourselves and create a platform for growth.
Residents of big cities often suffer from loneliness. According to Carl Rogers' theory, the reason lies in the person's personality. Social frameworks of behavior limit freedom. Therefore, when the true and external manifestations of the “I” do not coincide, relationships with others collapse. There are only two ways out of this conflict: resolving internal contradictions and loneliness.
This video contains a summary of research by psychologists and scientists, their interpretations about loneliness, the pros and cons of this condition. And also recommendations on how to get out of it.
How wives and husbands drink themselves to death after divorce
According to statistics, about 40% of men start drinking after their wife leaves. Alcohol consumption occurs in different ways:
- some celebrate liberation by visiting bars with friends, ordering expensive drinks: cognac, tequila or whiskey;
- the latter go on a protracted binge in bitter loneliness, locked in their own empty apartment;
- Still others continue to live as before, but spend all evenings with a glass or bottle of beer.
Women drink differently out of boredom. After a divorce, they often spend their evenings on the sofa watching TV, buying a bottle of wine or gin and tonic at the store. They start inviting friends over and complain about boredom while sitting at the table with a full glass. Thoughts on how to prevent a woman from getting drunk after a breakup usually do not arise, but this does not mean that the problem does not exist. If a person drinks beer, wine or vodka at least 2-3 times a week, we can already say that alcohol addiction has appeared.
Reasons for loneliness
American psychotherapist J. Young identified the following factors of loneliness:
- anxiety, indifference to oneself as a person;
- low self-esteem, fear of judgment, fear of rejection;
- disorientation in the choice of communication;
- suspiciousness, distrust of others;
- fear of attachment;
- lack of communication skills, rudeness, incorrectness, lack of self-confidence and other traits that create a barrier in communication and relationships;
- perfectionism, high expectations from others;
- narcissism.
A 2010 study found that lonely people are 26% more likely to die early.
When loneliness and emptiness are your inner essence
My feeling of loneliness was born with me, or even before. Already in kindergarten there was a feeling of being an outside observer. I seem to be forced out of the general process, from the general interaction. I am not inside what is happening. It turns out that all people are connected to each other by invisible threads-contacts, connecting them into a common ball and regulating their activity. I don't have such threads.
Loneliness is my essence, emptiness has flooded my shores. And I can no longer emerge... alone. Pain is all that's left of me.
I don’t seem to mind - this state has long been familiar and my loneliness protects me, but somewhere in the back of my consciousness there is something scratching that I have no desire to admit even to myself. This is some kind of pain, some kind of half-hint of understanding that it shouldn’t be this way.
What does loneliness signal?
A person is born and dies alone - yes. But the period of time between these two events is the degree to which we are filled with connections with each other from our earliest years until the end of our days. This can be easily seen in the feeling of satisfaction with life. Everyone knows the story of Robinson Crusoe and that things weren't going well for him.
Therefore, I am trying to understand where my loneliness came from, was I really born doomed to loneliness and it was and will always be so? It’s easy to say that everything is fine only in public. Another thing is that the state of loneliness is oppressive, it is painful to experience, and it is difficult to get used to the pain.
The feeling of loneliness and melancholy is familiar to modern Robinsons without any island. On the contrary, finding yourself in the midst of a crowd of people, on the subway, in a queue, on a bus, at work, a person acutely experiences this inner feeling of complete detachment, isolation, like a spectator watching the change of scenery of an absurd cheap play, which, moreover, one has to watch in a way that is not one’s own. will.
Feelings of loneliness and uselessness
Looking at those around me, I clearly feel my strong difference from them, my loneliness. We're like two different species. Moreover, there is an acute feeling that I have developed into a human being, while they remained Neanderthals at the lower stage of evolution. With these “problems” of theirs and the questions that drive them, for example:
- relationships, family, children;
- money, career;
- power, politics;
- trips;
- new gadgets, etc.
All these topics are not able to make me move a thought, because it is all so alien to me, imperceptible and far away, as if I and other people were residents of different galaxies.
I see all their moaning as the fuss of ants, and a weak attempt to feel one with society once again failed a thousand years ago, having no chance of existence. Every day I feel more and more acutely my complete loneliness, my difference, my otherness, I feel like an alien in relation to humanity.
How to get rid of loneliness
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Determine the cause
First of all, become aware of your inner world. Answer honestly how you feel about loneliness and what led to its appearance. Perhaps being alone is your conscious choice. In other cases, seek qualified help. A psychologist or psychotherapist will identify the root of the problem and help you get through this time.
Don't wait for loneliness to develop into prolonged depression. Determine the reason and act!
Find something for your soul
An interesting thing ignites so much that a person is overwhelmed with ideas. He gains purpose and motivation. When enthusiasm is captivating and energy is in full swing, your mood rises. As a result, activity increases. Usually like-minded people begin to be attracted to such a person. They are like moths flying towards a bright light in the dark.
Devote yourself to what you love. Become an expert. This will strengthen faith in yourself, your strengths, and increase interest in life, communication and knowledge exchange.
Be attentive to your interlocutor
When communicating with someone, do not be distracted, remove the phone from your hands. Keep your focus on the other person. Be here now. Imagine that you are a journalist and are conducting an interview. Ask more questions and listen carefully to the answers. Note for yourself what you like about your interlocutor, what qualities you admire.
People love to talk about themselves. And when they meet curiosity about their person, they are more likely to approach each other. As he opens up, the narrator reveals a lot of interesting information. You will probably find something in it that can unite you.
Ask, don't guess
We often tend to overthink things. This is how our imagination works. We overthink ourselves for any reason: problems, understatements, grievances, complaints. Sometimes we fantasize to the point of absurdity and accept it as truth. But you could just ask... One right question that would dispel all the gloomy thoughts.
Don’t overthink it, but find out the person’s true motives. Start a constructive conversation with the formula “me + message.” For example, “I feel...”, “I think...”, “it seemed to me..., is it so?”
Help others
Look around you, there are hundreds of people in need of help. An elderly woman cannot climb stairs. It is difficult for a mother with a stroller to get on the bus. There are volunteer rescue services for people or animals. Start helping others. And you will feel how much you are needed.
“In our world, many people feel lonely. There are always people around us. But we are still alone. What is the reason? In fact, it is our own behavior that isolates us from others. We don’t know how to open up to people around us, we don’t know how to love. We cannot say a few words of encouragement and comfort to others. We cannot give, but we always expect that someone will give to us. And those others are often busy. They have their own affairs and worries... You often hear complaints: “No one comes to see me. They don’t like me, they’re not interested in me.” But why should they be interested in you and love you, while you take no action? If you suffer from loneliness, don't remain passive. Don't sit in the corner, self-criticizing and waiting for attention from others. Instead, take the first step yourself - go to people. There is no reason to feel alone when there is love and light in the world. Forget about yourself, at least for a little while, and do something for others.” Mother Teresa
How not to go crazy from loneliness and help yourself
Sometimes it is the person himself who is to blame for the fact that no one around him wants to communicate. A bad character, excessive directness or, conversely, secrecy are not always his best traits for friendships.
Therefore, those who want to turn the situation around need to start first of all with themselves:
- step back from what is happening, evaluate it;
- analyze the main traits of your personality and note those that you need to work on;
- write a daily routine and strictly follow it.
Self-discipline is one of the most important qualities that a person must develop in any situation. A disciplined and responsible person easily copes with assigned tasks and achieves his goal faster.
Lying all day in front of the TV, occasionally changing channels, is a direct path to depression, obesity and a whole range of diseases. It is these people who think about how not to go crazy from loneliness.
First of all, you need to get up and try to change the course of things that has already become familiar:
- leave the apartment - go to a park or square, sit on a bench next to the old women, talk to them about the weather;
- walk the streets, periodically ask passers-by about something;
- When making purchases, ask sellers for their opinions about products;
- do not distance yourself from the life of the city - attend exhibitions, theater premieres, concerts of popular performers.
Gradually, not immediately, but bright sensations will begin to interrupt the dreary sensations. Well, then you can continue the struggle for a full life:
- Get a pet, preferably a dog. Morning and evening walks, training, visits to special areas and a dog handler will not be in vain. Over time, a circle of acquaintances with certain interests is formed.
- Start doing active sports, hiking or gymnastics. Good not only for health, but also for communication.
- Choose a favorite activity for yourself - a hobby.
In order not to be burdened by loneliness, you need to change the requirements for yourself and others.
Be content with little, enjoy every day you live, the sunrise, the snowflakes swirling in the frosty air. Having learned to look into the future with optimism, a person will become kinder and more cheerful. The same people will definitely gather around him.
Stop thinking about your long-forgotten love
Such love usually happens at school, college, or at a former job, or maybe even a current one.
It so happens that girls begin to look mainly at the same type of men who are similar to their “first love”. Such a comparison can lead to your thoughts being chained to your distant ex and not letting him go. First, heal past wounds and get rid of unobtrusive thoughts about your ex-lover, and then plunge headlong into the arms of a new relationship. It's like a book. It is enough just to finish reading the old chapter before moving on to reading the new one. So it all depends on your desire. Ask yourself: do I need a relationship? And, if you really need it, start today to get rid of loneliness so that you can finally meet your only man!
Believe in yourself
Believe that you really are the most beautiful woman in the world, and that there is no one else like her on Earth. So many women are actually the beautiful, strong, patient and understanding women that men dream of meeting. However, they themselves do not even realize this because they are not confident in themselves. Therefore, it is necessary to make every effort to gain this very confidence. This quality is very clearly visible both in the gait and in the gaze; men quickly notice this and it attracts their attention to the person himself. Such a woman will be more attractive and desirable than oppressed by complexes and closed to communication. In order to finally acquire this quality and believe in yourself, we recommend reading the useful article “How to become more confident in yourself?” Believe that you deserve better so that men try to earn your attention.
