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In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song that many consider to be a kind of anthem of love. He called it “All You Need is Love” (that is, “All you need is love”
). At the same time, the famous musician beat both his wives and abandoned one of his children...
Lennon also showered homophobic and anti-Semitic curses on his Jewish manager, with whom he had an affair; He also allowed himself to appear naked on camera, and used drugs and alcohol.
Thirty-five years later, American musician Trent Reznor, the permanent leader of Nine Inch Nails, wrote a song he called “Love is Not Enough. ”
), implying that love alone is not enough for a relationship.
At the same time, Reznor, known for his wild antics on stage and crazy videos, is neither an alcoholic nor a drug addict; He has been married to the same woman all his life and has two children with her.
And Reznor sometimes canceled entire tours and refused to record albums just because he had a desire to stay at home, fulfilling his beloved role of a good husband and father.
. Perhaps love is not all that is needed to create a successful relationship? Let's try to understand this issue.
Differences between falling in love and infatuation: how to recognize infatuation?
When do you fall in love and when are you infatuated? Falling in love begins with infatuation: There are three stages through which all people fall in love. It is very easy to recognize infatuation: this is when a couple cannot tear themselves away from each other even for a moment, they want to constantly caress each other and spend every minute together.
Where you should spend a little more money: on things that save time
Gave the bride a ring. But online the groom was called selfish for his strange decoration
Eljay boasted gifts from his wife worth several million: photo
Love is evil
Idealizing love interferes with a sober view of things
Returning to Lennon and Reznor, one of these men had a clear and realistic view of love. Do not have another one. The first always idealized love, presenting it as a universal solution to all life's problems. The second one is not.
As a result, Lennon looks like a not very discriminating and decent narcissist. Reznor doesn't. And yet, in our culture, many people idealize love
. We consider love to be a sublime feeling that helps us move forward.
Our films and books, like all of human history, present love as the ultimate goal, the final result of all human pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate this feeling. As a result, our relationships suffer.
If we, like Lennon, believe that “all we need is love,” we are more likely to begin to ignore such core values
, like respect, humility and responsibilities towards those people we care about.
Based on this logic, a completely reasonable conclusion arises: after all, if love is the solution to all life’s issues, why then worry about all the other matters (and rather complex matters)?
But if we, like Reznor, believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that any healthy relationship needs something much more
than bare emotions and sublime feelings.
We understand that there are much more important things in our lives and relationships than the usual feeling of love. And the success of these relationships rests precisely on these deeper and much more important values.
Falling in love or infatuation: how long will it take?
However, if we are dealing with infatuation and not love, after a month we should be completely “cured” of it. The person we thought was the love of our lives suddenly becomes... ordinary and even boring. We stop understanding why we were so crazy about him before. However, sometimes this does not happen - and then we are dealing with love. How to recognize true love? Find out!
Love is a very intense period that requires the mobilization of all our forces, and not considering it today as a challenge is extremely imprudent and short-sighted
Tell me, are you sure that you are ready for what will happen to you when you meet Love?
And are you sure that all your attitudes about love are correct and lead in the right direction?
Or maybe everything that is instilled in us since childhood, they say, “Meeting your love is the most important thing in life, and as soon as we find it...”, or the eternal and beautiful awaits us, “And they lived happily ever after!” - somewhat untrue?
And it is this attitude that is the cause of numerous failures, suffering and losses.
Love is a very intense period that requires the mobilization of all our forces, and not considering it today as a challenge is extremely imprudent and short-sighted.
Love is a real, real challenge in our entire lives! Both physical, psychological, nervous, and even hormonal systems are literally subjected to inhuman stress, leading to radical changes.
Yes! If everything goes well, our hearts will open and we will become kinder, more open and compassionate. Our eyes will open, and we will begin to see the beauty of the world around us and much more that we did not even suspect before. We will feel wonderful integrity, share creativity, our thoughts and feelings with the closest person in the world.
you literally have to live to see this “beautiful distance” .
All that happens to us when we meet our love is stress, mobilization of vitality and incredible intensity. Still, in a very short period of time, or rather “suddenly”, at the level of psychophysiology we literally become a different person.
It may sound cool in words, but just imagine this picture: you are melancholic, accustomed to your emotions, at least you know how to deal with them, how to react to your “sadness.” You have formed an attitude towards yourself and your body: ways to take care of it and your psyche, a number of necessary mental protections! And suddenly you are overcome by unbridled euphoria, emotional upsurge, you have a sea of energy and incredible sexual arousal.
How will you feel? Believe me, you will be horrified by what is happening. And no matter how much you convince yourself that “everything is good - this is love,” your subconscious will not believe you one bit.
This hormonal shock is called an “attack” of phenylethylamine, a substance that is the basis for all psychedelics.
Your adrenaline hormone is increased so that you can fight for your love! You are in euphoria, you even have reduced sensitivity to pain: the production of endorphins is in full swing, which, acting on opiate receptors, have a morphine-like effect.
What about the brain?
Our pleasure center is in tremendous arousal. The hormones dopamine and norepinephrine (norepinephrine) rule the roost here—natural amphetamines that are stimulants of the nervous system and cause drug addiction!
Opiates, amphetamines, psychedelics... Of course, you understand that we are already talking about signs of drug addiction from your partner? The main purpose of dopamine is to create in a person a feeling of pleasure and a craving for repeated receipt (be it sex, food, alcohol or drugs, smoking, etc.).
What about insomnia and loss of appetite, which is caused by the hormone norepinephrine?
And note, there is no feeling of well-being, bliss and calm - the level of the neurotransmitter serotonin, responsible for the feeling of joy and happiness, does not increase, but catastrophically decreases . Under normal conditions, a lack of serotonin can cause depression, obsessive fears and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
But here it’s not at all! We are in a state of drug intoxication with dopamine, so the lack of serotonin only causes the desire to call twenty times a day and write the notorious SMS.
That is, we are simply fixated on our beloved . Our ability to concentrate decreases, it becomes simply impossible to work!
These are the “inhuman” conditions that await us at first.
True, if by some miracle we managed to escape this phase - we did not call our friend to death, sent and received our three hundred thousand text messages, received thousands of stupid bouquets and were still able to enjoy an endless string of fluffy bears - our couple survived, then - hallelujah! — we are in the finals :)!
We begin to produce oxytocin and vasopressin, which are responsible for affection, fidelity, trust, intimacy, and that very sense of kinship that we are all looking for on this planet . But here, too, difficulties await us: it is oxytocin that makes us feel discomfort in the absence of a loved one, since the body requires “doping” received during sex with a loved one.
From the above, it is obvious that we will be overwhelmed by extreme emotions and experiences, right? And in response to such serious hormonal shocks, we will need complete emotional mobilization of all our strength.
So, are we ready for it?
A loving relationship is an unpredictable living and breathing flow, and you either breathe in rhythm with it, or you are suffocated by the emotions that overwhelm you, unable to cope with the emotions that overwhelm you. Either you swim or you sink.
Can we swim? Here, only experience and a few useful settings can help us!
But how hard this very experience is given to us, “thanks” to the so-called adults!
Remember the eternal “Don’t date this guy, he’s not right for you, he’ll turn your head and hurt you”?
Firstly, what is the attitude towards pain in our society? It always accompanies growth and must be respected and accepted.
Secondly, what is with the exaggeration of “His” role in your life, instead of accepting what is happening? It was our own wonderful experiences that turned our heads, and not some “he”.
Here we need words spoken from the bottom of our hearts: “Darling, what wonderful strong feelings live in you, how good you are, you are passionate, you are a woman.” This is the cultivation of a feeling of deep self-respect and acceptance.
And thirdly, here's what's funny to me. And when should we learn to love and mature emotionally, if not in our youth? ?
Learn to love and be loved, master the art of understanding your loved one at a glance and giving in, but not losing yourself in the whirlpool of feelings, desires and emotions?
And remember this angry one: “Well, he left you, which means you did something wrong, perhaps you’re not good enough for him!” or “He doesn’t deserve you...”. What kind of cult of guilt and unworthiness is this?
So you can become a psychological invalid, unable to love and meet your soul mate, instead of accepting your vulnerability, and most importantly —
realize
how important it is to entrust yourself to “responsible hands”, or rather,
to “
responsible and brave male Heart”
!
These few settings will help you in the extremely dramatic conditions of Love:
- cultivate deep respect and openness to your feelings, emotions, experiences, sexual impulses;
- begin to distinguish between a brave man's heart and a fake;
- approach growing pains with respect and curiosity;
- Cultivate empathy within yourself.
And by the way, all of the above is the basis for your changes.
Do not have any illusions - love does not come so that you fall into the idyllic picture of your dreams and, together with your loved one, sail towards the rising sun. She is here to change you once and for all!
Along with love, we are bound to experience a “thrust”—a step beyond our usual limitations and boundaries. And the more powerful the feeling, the faster and more dramatic the changes will be.
When a person comes into your life, even if he is “down to the core” our soul mate, he somehow grew up in a different family and a different environment, and often in a different culture, and this is a challenge to our old belief systems and views. Our heart and soul next to him sing in unison, and our views on the world pull us apart. And it is necessary to go beyond, overcome barriers and come to a compromise, distinguishing the artificial from the real and living!
In any case, we are faced with an hourly choice between momentary emotions and impulses and real feelings that lead to long-term relationships.
This is where our emotional maturity comes in handy, the ability to treat all (both our own and our partner’s) the above-mentioned euphorias, addictions and doping requirements more or less balanced and calmly (well, as far as possible:).
Our whole life is in some sense a challenge. We have to make important decisions and cope with difficulties.
And love is its essence, without love our heart closes and our eyes don’t shine!
Therefore, may she always be in the lives of each of us!
Just let's... well... no illusions.
Remember, Love is a Challenge!
author: Olga Sharipova, professional psychologist, coach.
Head ed. Mindful Beauty magazine. The article was written specifically for Yoga Journal and published in the summer issue (July-August) for 2016. In contact with
Would you like to be together for the rest of your life?
We can't imagine the rest of our lives without the one person? Through the eyes of our imagination, do we see how in fifty years we will be watching our grandchildren, sitting in comfortable chairs and holding hands? This is Love.
Knowing these signs and extrapolating them to your feelings for your partner, you can easily understand who is in front of you: another hobby or the one you have been waiting for all your life.
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Your partner always chooses his friends over you.
You can hang out with friends, but you should never ignore your girlfriend/boyfriend. If your partner is always making plans that you are not included in, it means that he simply does not like hanging out with you, no matter how much you would like to believe it. And when you point this out to him, he begins to call you a “grumpy” or completely ignores you these words. And he continues to make plans with friends, “accidentally” forgetting to call you. And if someone still hasn’t realized that this is unhealthy, it’s worse for them.
