A family is a living organism, and it also experiences illnesses. A common disease that affects the whole family is codependency. And not only in families where there are alcoholics and drug addicts, but also where people control each other, “suffer” with each other, forcibly take care of their neighbors, forgetting about themselves and suffering from ingratitude. It seems that this is just love, just care - although such a peculiar one?
We talk about where the border between love and codependency is with Olga TROITSKAYA, a family psychologist, a member of the Moscow Society of Family Therapists and Consultants, and the head of the “Workshop”.
Olga Iosifovna TROITSKAYA graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University, a psychologist and consultant with more than 30 years of practice. Family therapist, member of the International Organization of Family Therapists and the Society of Family Therapists and Consultants (Russia). For many years she worked as a psychologist at the Moscow Youth Theater, dealing with issues of psychological perception of performances by teenagers. Head of the Olga Troitskaya Workshop. Participant of the International Program for Working with Trauma.
Forced by roses
— Why do psychologists talk about codependency where we are used to seeing love? For example, when a wife tries to treat an alcoholic husband or tolerates a husband who tyrannizes her? Is love a disease?
— Love and codependency are different concepts. They can coexist - I am convinced that there is always some part of a person that is ready to love. But the actions of a codependent person are guided by fear or the desire to control the behavior of another, to adapt to him, to do something not “because I”, but “in order for him.” He does not talk about himself, his thoughts, feelings, desires. He does what he thinks others expect of him. Or something that will force others to act a certain way and give him the illusion that he has control over them and that everything is okay. Here, childhood problems are transferred to the partner in the relationship: mom and dad did not provide love, support, protection in childhood - and all this now needs to be knocked out, pulled out of the one you love.
- Such as?
— The husband comes home late, and the wife, instead of “I was waiting for you, I’m offended that you didn’t call,” says: “You’re doing this because I’m nothing to you!” She attributes non-existent feelings and thoughts to him so that he admits guilt and refute her words, confirming her significance. The wife of an alcoholic builds her life in such a way that her husband understands: his drunkenness is not his illness, but a bad attitude towards her: “If you pitied me, you wouldn’t drink.”
— So a sign of such a relationship is manipulation?
— Yes: a codependent person must at all costs maintain control over the other, his emotions, his life. Even “I can’t live without you” is manipulation: “you have to be with me for me to live.”
— How is manipulation different from love?
- Love is when, no matter what happens to us, it is better to be with this person than without him. It’s warmer, calmer, more joyful with him. Even if he is sick and is dying, it is still better with him. Love helps you feel the beauty of the world, love is joy. There is no joy in codependency or manipulation. Although they can easily be confused with love, they often force people to do bright things. You can shower your beloved with roses because you are pleased to give her roses to please her, or you can so that she understands how much you care about her and changes her attitude towards you.
If a mother sits with a sick child, it is not because she is obliged to do this for him, but because she loves him and cannot imagine how he will be sick - alone, she herself feels bad from this thought. Not “I’m hunching over for you,” but “I’ll be calmer if you eat.” I do this for my soul, because I feel that way, and not so that you understand how I sacrifice myself and begin to appreciate me. It’s like donations in the Church: if you donate so that God will appreciate it and give you something in return, then this is not faith. Faith is happiness from the fact that God exists. Codependency is a very tenacious structure; it quickly begins to drag on. When you are loved so much, a person begins to feel guilty for not giving anything in return. But you don't have to pay for love.
Each of us knows firsthand how love has a beneficial effect on people. This is talked about in many books, poems, and works. It often happens that love becomes a muse for creative people, and the person who loves flies as if on wings, not paying attention to some ailments, thereby curing them.
If you take a closer look at how love affects human health, you can discover some pretty interesting facts.
— Those people who are in love are exposed to much less emotional stress than others. If they get sick, they recover from illness much faster and return to their previous form.
- If you love and it is mutual, then it has been proven that your immune system strengthens and becomes much stronger. Therefore, the chances of getting colds are reduced.
— By hugging a loved one, and at the same time there is physical contact, you improve blood pressure, lower the level of stress hormone in the blood, and at the same time reduce sensitivity to pain.
— If a person loves, then this contributes to the emergence of additional strength and energy. There is also a desire to be perfect, and people begin to take care of themselves, lead a healthy lifestyle and become better than before.
— Falling in love causes adrenaline to rise in the blood and all a person’s senses become heightened. So, life seems better, colors are brighter, and food tastes better.
— Euphoria and a feeling of upliftment come more often to those who experience sincere feelings of love.
- A person who loves changes noticeably - becomes better, more beautiful, more confident. Good luck and luck in life often come to such people, and in general, everything in life works out in the best way, they are admired.
Those relationships that, for various reasons, do not work out for young people can cause different, and often bad, emotions. Thus, depression, migraines, headaches, and heart problems may begin due to strong worries and worries. So, the conclusion suggests itself that unhappy love has a very negative effect on people, sometimes, unfortunately, there are even tragic, fatal cases, especially among teenagers.
Scientists have proven that love has health benefits for people who really have strong feelings. Those who live happily ever after in marriage are much less likely to get sick and suffer from depression and bad mood. Therefore, love each other, and everything will be fine with you. And those who have not yet found their soulmate, actively work on this, because love is the cure for all illnesses and failures.
Casualties and destruction
- But it often happens that, for example, a woman really sacrifices her career for the sake of her family and children...
- If a woman “gave herself entirely to her husband and children,” then this is her choice, she should not reproach them for this. Maybe it would be better to start by discussing this decision with your husband? Maybe he will answer: “I will be calmer if we have two salaries rather than one.”
His dedication does not bring joy to the codependent, but pain, and it does not bring joy to the other person. And it is also very important to maintain a balance between what you are ready to give and what the other is ready to accept. If you put more on a person than he is ready to accept, he wants to run away, he gets the feeling that he is being forced to do something.
You can only ask another person for what does not destroy his self-esteem. A person feels these boundaries himself - and if they are violated, he can either run away, preserving the remnants of his dignity, or allow himself to be injured. Trauma creates a void that is then filled in various ways.
— Is jealousy also codependency?
- Always. I love you, but I can’t bear to be with you: no matter what you do, I don’t believe you. You have to do this and that to keep me calm. The only way to extinguish jealousy is to die. And love is like Pushkin’s: “I loved you so sincerely, so tenderly, as God forbid you, loved one, to be different.” All this is nonsense: jealous means he loves, beats means he loves. Here it is better to replace the word “loves” with “not indifferent”, “biased”, “dependent”. Yes, when he hits, he’s also addicted. Hitting means not distinguishing between yourself and another: you must feel that I feel bad, you are my part, you, as a separate person, do not exist for me.
Trying to change others rather than yourself
— How to recognize codependent relationships?
— A codependent person’s task is to change his spouse, the world, other people, but not himself. His focus is shifted from himself to others: I will be okay if you behave differently.
In a normal family, you can talk, explain why you want to do one way or another, be heard and hear the other. In codependent relationships, nothing is usually discussed, but everything is assumed. Here they don’t tell each other the truth, they don’t talk to the point at all. There is no freedom in codependency: I’m afraid to hear from someone else what I’m not ready to agree with, so I’d rather not ask at all. There is no certainty that someone else needs you, that you are important, that you have the right to be in his life - all this has to be proven. The result is fear and guilt. They are often not realized, but manifest themselves, for example, in aggression.
But we cannot tell another: “Codependency is bad for you.” Only he himself can speak about harmfulness if he would prefer to choose something else. This is the inner choice of the soul. Do you need such a relationship? Feel it in yourself. Are you ready to let go of another, not to control him, are you ready, for example, for a child to become a self-sufficient person, to tell you the truth, to make serious choices? Then you too will have to work on yourself.
It's the same in marriage. It is an illusion that one can be free from codependency and the other cannot. People usually match with someone who has the same degree of codependency. People with less codependency pass by, they are not interested. If one wants to get rid of codependency in a relationship and starts working on himself, the other is forced to change. And it often happens that one person begins to change - and the second one immediately feels better, he “picks up” with gratitude.
What does love do to people?
Yes, undoubtedly, love is a strong feeling. So strong that it is capable of changing people, their habits, and behavior. And to many, love seems like something given from above, but it turns out that everything is not so simple.
American neuroscientists made a sensational discovery. It turns out that love is a biological need of the human body. Studies of the brains of people who are in love have shown that the need for love is close to the need for food, drink, sleep and other biological needs of the body. Yes, yes, the high and bright feeling of love is just an “animal” necessity, no matter how strange it may sound.
However, scientists carefully add that the studies conducted do not make it possible to “get into” the mind of a person in love and read his thoughts and therefore love cannot be fully explored using simple methods.
The study involved scanning the brains of volunteers who had fallen in love a few weeks ago. They had to look at photographs of their loved ones while an MRI machine took pictures of the brain.
After this procedure, the researchers compared these images with images of the brains of people who looked at photographs of their friends or acquaintances. The results were surprising: an increase in blood flow to certain areas of the brain responsible for passion and love was determined in the first group, which entails changes in brain activity. This explains the sometimes absurd actions of lovers. For example, a serenade at night under the balcony... Scientists also explained the reason for the sinking of the heart of a person in love. It's just fear. Fear that this wonderful feeling is not mutual and may suddenly end. Not romantic, is it?
Naturally, this condition does not last forever and passes over time. This process also obeys biological laws: excitation is always followed by inhibition. When a person gets used to the fact that he is in love and the love is mutual, the feeling does not cause such a rise as at the beginning and there is a certain outflow of blood from the area of love in the brain.
Now scientists are studying the changes that occur in people's brains in the event of a breakup with a loved one. Preliminary results have shown that brain activity in the region associated with passion also increases when a relationship breaks down. Scientists explain this by the phenomenon of “deprivation-attraction”, that is, when we are abandoned, love intensifies.
Well, let's wait for new discoveries and hope that someone will someday be able to give a clear answer to the question: “What is love? Where does it come from? In the meantime, we just have to live and love each other!
Tags: psychology, relationships, love
To spite the conductor
- Codependency is usually considered in connection with addiction - alcoholism and drug addiction. Why exactly are they connected?
— Because codependent relationships are a particularly dangerous factor for the formation of alcohol or drug addiction. A man starts drinking to spite his family, who does not understand him: to spite the conductor, I will take a ticket and get off the tram. I'm so miserable that I'll drink so you can see what bad parents you are. And on the other hand: you see, I’m going crazy - it’s all because of you. In a family where there is alcoholism, codependency is sure to form. An alcoholic husband and a wife who does not respect men is always a relationship between two people. They play executioner and victim for a long time and hard, constantly changing places, and codependent children scatter in all directions... Victims of tyrants, mothers of drug addicts, wives of alcoholics themselves push their husbands and children to the edge. Child drug addicts are usually the work of their parents. It is they who most often ensure that the child chooses to go to death. Here you always need to work with your family, because the internal decision “not to live” grows out of it.
— What to do if your husband or son is not going to stop drinking?
- If a person himself chose death instead of life, why leave with him? It is pointless. The only one who can help him is himself; he must make a deep choice: to live or not to live. If he chooses to live, he will stop drinking. If he doesn’t choose, nothing will help him. But the desire of his loved ones to help him is very strong, against his will. This is actively used by various “clairvoyants” who promise to help drinkers in absentia, through their relatives. Only the alcoholic himself can make a decision, but they are not called - they are wives and mothers, this is very good for clearing their conscience: look, we didn’t sit still, we did whatever we did!
- So what remains is to recognize his right to kill himself?
- If we are talking about a minor, we are really responsible for him and must fight. But if this is an adult, the mother of a drug addict can only tell him: “I love you and will love you, no matter how your life turns out. It's your choice. If you tell me how to help, we will help.” But often in reality it suddenly turns out that the mother of a drug addict feels unnecessary when the child begins to return to normal - she needs a crazy or sick person, then she will give all her strength to him and will be needed. So you have to choose here: either you won’t have this strong connection, you will live somewhere, call maybe once a year - but healthy. Or here, nearby, in need of care - but sick.
Down with tyranny
- And if the husband is a domestic tyrant, then what?
- And a tyrant usually exists in tandem with a peacemaker, a benefactor. They need each other, their relationship is a dance for two. A tyrant cannot become a tyrant without a peacemaker. In order for him to stop tyrannizing his family, he must receive resistance: I feel unpleasant, I don’t like this, I love you, but I already fear for my safety, so I’d rather stay away from you. And the tyrant will also begin to change. Few of these domestic tyrants beat people on the street or at work - and if they do, then this is borderline personality disorder, and it needs to be treated. But usually he tyrannizes the family. And his wife, who needs her to be irreplaceable, supports him in this: don’t irritate him, and I’ll put up with it. The wife of a domestic tyrant has a sacred duty to lead him through life. She has a lot of energy, but all of it is spent on living the lives of other people. She is an eyesore to her husband with her sacrifice, he gets irritated, shouts at her, insults or hits her... the next morning he is infinitely guilty, and she is his tyrant and executioner, and in every possible way shows him that he is bad... You can dance this dance until the end of your days ...
- And the children are watching...
“And children are busy with their parents’ relationships—and then they start dancing the same dances in their families.”
- So what should we do? How to stop this dance?
“An adult can decide for himself that this cannot happen to him.” And speak from these positions: not “why are you doing this?” - and “when you do this, I feel awkward”, “I love you, but when you do this, it’s difficult for me to be with you.” “I love you, but my respect for you is destroyed”; “spare my self-respect.” Codependency can be resisted. We must do everything to show: I’m ashamed, I’m in pain, I can’t do this. We need to make the other person feel that it is possible to communicate differently. And for this, return responsibility for everything he does in life, and not consider him a helpless child, and everyone around him as adults. Otherwise, it turns out that in words we ask the other to change, but in reality we remove responsibility from him.
— It seems that it is easier for Orthodox Christians than others to fall into codependent relationships - we are commanded to love our neighbor, serve our neighbors, humble ourselves, humble ourselves...
— Christ did not teach codependency. We must respect ourselves as God’s creation, as God’s gift, as His creation. Working with parents, we teach them to explain to their child: we always love you, but respect must be earned by doing what is right. I am glad that you exist, but I am not happy that you drink. Love does not cancel real life and real vision. Christ saw perfectly well that people were doing the wrong thing, and did not throw himself on the neck of the unrepentant thief. And he loved everyone and felt sorry for sinners. We may feel regret for an alcoholic rather than delight. Approval of evil and indulgence in it should not be confused with Christian love. I love you - but that doesn't make me dependent on you. You have no power over me.
Love acts like a painkiller
Passionate love relieves pain. Moreover, the mechanism of the analgesic effect of love is not associated with switching attention.
Lovers do not notice not only the clock, but also the pain. These conclusions were reached by scientists led by Dr. Sean Mackey from Stanford University Medical Center (Stanford school of medicine) after an experiment conducted with student volunteers.
Students in love
For the experiment, neuroscientists selected fifteen students who were at the “peak of love.” The researchers note that finding students for the experimental group was not difficult.
“We have circulated an announcement that passionate volunteers are needed. Within a few hours, cheerful young men and women came to our laboratory themselves,” says study leader Sean Mackie.
Volunteers were asked to undergo a temperature pain test. To do this, scientists attached thermostimulators to the palms of boys and girls, which gradually warmed up and ultimately caused unbearable pain. At this time, neuroscientists scanned the brains of the participants and recorded the temperature threshold of sensitivity.
The subtlety of the experiment was that the lovers subjected themselves to laboratory executions under various conditions. In the first experiment, young people looked at a photograph of a loved one. In subsequent experiments, as a “distracting candy,” it was suggested to think about sports that do not use a ball.
Love is an analgesic
It turned out that any pleasant thoughts (including about pleasant leisure activities - sports) and memories distract from pain. However, this is not surprising. However, pleasant memories and thoughts about a loved one affect the brain in different ways. In the first case, the brain is simply distracted from the pain, switching attention to something more pleasant. Love affects the brain like a real analgesic. Feelings of love and euphoria activate the pleasure centers - more primitive brain structures that block pain sensations at the level of the spinal cord.
Scientists have found that the “target” of love is the nucleus accumbens, acting on which analgesics relieve pain, and cocaine and opioids cause feelings of joy and euphoria.
“Love inspires, encourages and improves your mood. At the anatomical level, these effects are associated with activation of the nucleus accumbens,” the researchers write in the article Viewing Pictures of a Romantic Partner Reduces Experimental Pain: Involvement of Neural Reward Systems in the journal Plos ONE.
The researchers note that the identified effects can be used to develop new treatments for chronic pain. However, this does not mean that love can be prescribed against pain. After all, we are talking about changes in activity in parts of the brain, which occur precisely at the peak of love. In this sense, every loved one, like a medicine, has a certain “expiration date”. That is, as soon as the passion subsides, the pain will make itself felt again.
Unfortunately, scientists only describe the positive effects of visual contact with a loved one. It is possible that a closer connection with a lover will turn out to be an even more effective analgesic and will allow pharmacists to develop a fundamentally new drug.
Infox.ru correspondents follow the trends in “amorous” medicine and will definitely talk about the practical application of the results obtained.
Who is the worst?
— When there is a mentally ill person at home, can we also talk about codependency here?
- This happens often. Mentally ill people really are not responsible for themselves; their relatives have to do this - and, in fact, put their lives on their shoulders. But even here, relatives have two options. The first is to build your life, leaving a place in it for a loved one and his illness. The second is to build your life around his illness. A new status appears - the wife of the patient, the husband of the patient... Several times when working with groups that included relatives of seriously ill people, I had to ask: who has it worse - the patient or you? What do you think they answered?
- Did they really say “to us”?
- That's what they said, yes. We are suffering. But who hurts? Death is on the doorstep - who? But no, people sincerely believe that they are worse off: what do you care, but we are worried! One mother of a schizophrenic said: “Of course, it’s worse for me, but what about him? He doesn’t work, he doesn’t study, he takes pills...” The women in the group simply froze. Some were frightened by such cruelty, others were frightened when they saw the same cruelty in themselves.
A sure sign of codependency is a lack of pity: after all, you suffer more than he does. And then, if you are part of me, why feel sorry for you? If you don’t feel sorry for your wife, husband, son who is crying, on the contrary, you think: “Well, finally you will understand” - this is codependency.
