Signs of falling in love in men and women: psychology

In this article, psychologist Evgenia Dvoretskaya answers the question “How long does a girl’s love last?”

Everyone, at least once in their life, has experienced a fleeting feeling of intense sympathy, turning into passion and the need for constant contact with the person they like.

This state is usually called the first phase of love - falling in love. But transience is not time; let’s try to figure out how long the state lasts in this article.

"At a drunken party..."

And you don't have to make that face. Alcohol, in addition to negative qualities, also has some positive ones. For example, it reduces the level of conscious control over a person's feelings.

Each of us had a classmate whom we really wanted to hug, but we never dared.

And now 10 years have passed since graduation from school. Everyone celebrates. Everyone is happy and drunk as hell. And the man is left alone with her, and suddenly “Morozov’s passion grabbed her with its calloused hand,” and “the love of her whole school life” succumbs. Then what usually happens in such cases happens. He doesn't call her anymore, and she doesn't call him either. School complexes came out along with the sweat of the first and last night of love.

What was it? How to distinguish love from infatuation in this case? Everything is simple here: this is love marinated for many years. After all, two people have nothing in common except memories, and, trying to catch up with their fading youth, they fall into each other’s arms.

Duration of a girl's love

Falling in love for a girl is the erasure of all her principles, she forgets about her rigidly set boundaries and is able to do things that she would never have done in a sober mind and memory. During a relationship, a lady tries to get a lot of attention, courtship, gifts, and affection from her partner.

The length of time a girl falls in love directly depends on this. If a guy takes good care of you and flirts skillfully, with this behavior it’s like he’s throwing wood on the fire. A girl wants to see a man as a protector and someone with whom she will not be lost in any situation. If her companion does not meet the requirements, then the love disappears within a few months.

Teenage crush

Adolescence is a time of spontaneous, and therefore crazy, love. Falling in love is generally much more fun than love. Love is something so fundamental, rooted in the deep layers of metaphysical and everyday existence. Falling in love is a light, barefoot girl who doesn’t know how to cook, doesn’t want to have children or run a house. She languishes in such conditions. Falling in love is an emanation and embodiment of sexual energy as it is. This is almost pure sexual attraction with a slight touch of romanticism. The motto of love: “I want!” Unfortunately or fortunately, only a teenager or young man can fall into this insane state when he is not burdened with any worries. And then you can’t fall in love like that anymore. Then either sexual attraction without any romanticism, which is vulgar, or true love, which, although based on passion, is not so crazy. Love has its advantages, but, unfortunately, it is no longer a child of spontaneity, like being in love. Love is an adult young girl with clearly structured priorities. To keep it, you need to work a lot, and, above all, on yourself. We hope it is now clear to you how to distinguish love from infatuation.

Love is not given immediately. Many understand this, but not many are ready to work in order to finally love sincerely and deeply. It has long been noted that real feeling appears over the years; it takes a lot of trials and wisdom to fall in love. But let's take things in order.

1. Falling in love.

The very first stage lasts a year and a half. People see their partner in the most attractive and unrealistic light. Beautiful appearance, good character, attention and kisses. Ideal. It was during the period of falling in love that many poems and novels were written. Films have been made and songs sung about this wonderful period.

“The chemistry of love” is what skeptical scientists who studied the human brain during falling in love called the first period. Hormones, endorphin and oxytocin, at first dominate the brains and blood of lovers. The centers of negative emotions and rational thinking are considered to be blocked by these two powerful elements. Euphoria and high spirits accompany every meeting. Falling in love usually ends with a wedding or the beginning of a life together.

2. Saturation.

When people start living together or spending a lot of time next to each other, the intensity of passions subsides, and a loved one becomes something familiar, even commonplace. The lovers are fed up with each other. Everyday everyday life comes into its own. The period of satiety passes almost unnoticed; it is most often short and rarely noticed by the spouses themselves. It is at the stage of satiety that shortcomings become noticeable. And not because the person hid them before, but because the brain finally begins to work in its usual mode. The period can drag on and change places with renewed love, if children are born in a family during the period of love-satiation.

3. Disgust.

The third stage is a real test for future love. The rose-colored glasses are taken off, selfishness flourishes wildly. Falling in love is already behind us, saturation has occurred. During this period, special attention is paid to the partner’s shortcomings, of which, it turns out, there are more than enough. Virtues become invisible, and once sweet eccentricities now drive you crazy.

Unfortunately, without the third stage, the path to sincere, deep feeling is closed. For some, disgust lasts several weeks or months, while for others it lasts for years or alternates from time to time with other periods.

Quarrels, stormy showdowns, each shows himself from the most unfavorable side, and each sees the other only as a lump of negativity and incorrectness. It seems that the person turned out to be the wrong one. It is at this stage that many people conclude: we are too different to be together, we need to separate. Divorce during the period of rejection is fraught with walking in circles. Many men and women, having divorced, fall in love again over time, become fed up and feel a new wave of disgust. Some fall into a kind of funnel of divorce, when each subsequent marriage is broken again and again by everyday life, shortcomings and selfishness.

4. Humility.

There are no more storms. Quarrels happen less frequently. It becomes clear that it will not be possible to tailor a person to yourself. There comes an understanding that there is a person living with you who has both disadvantages and advantages. Usually during this period there is an active adaptation to each other. Special literature is used, communication with psychologists, long and often difficult conversations between spouses begin to resemble not a battlefield, but a negotiating table. These are teachings, preparation for love. Everyone begins to understand that they need to start with themselves: learn to forgive, understand, accept, endure. In many cultures and religions, humility, first of all, is the lot of women, who are naturally more flexible. It is she who, by her example, pushes a man to accept her too.

5. Service. In all previous stages, good deeds implied a response. Both spouses, doing something good to their other half, consciously or unconsciously expected reciprocal behavior. During the period of service, you want to do pleasant things just like that, because the person is dear, because the soul is already ready for this. Service occurs consciously and voluntarily; it brings pleasure to both spouses. If one person is delayed at the previous stage, the other speeds up the process through his own behavior. Free service is the first shoots of love.

6. Friendship.

This is where respect and understanding begin to show themselves. The couple had already been through a lot by this time. Spouses know each other's characters and habits well, and know how to get out of difficult situations without conflicts. Both learned to do what was pleasant and necessary. They feel good and interesting together. The period of friendship can sometimes last for years and decades, because the spouses feel quite comfortable. Most often, friendship manifests itself brightly when the children have already grown up a little and the parents have enough time for each other. Childless couples come to friendship around the same time.

7. Love.

The long-awaited deep feeling comes deservedly and naturally. Understanding at a glance, spiritual unity – this is love. Few people reach this stage. After all, you must first learn to humbly and calmly accept a person as he is, take care of him free of charge, and accept his individuality. The stage of love is higher than simple attraction or habit; it is in love that spouses open up and harmoniously complement each other, their shortcomings are neatly smoothed out, and their virtues are reflected in each other. This time the hormones are no longer boiling, there is a calm and joyful acceptance of the whole person, integrity.

Probably, some readers have had the opportunity to meet elderly spouses who enjoy each other’s company. During the conversation, they are passionate, smiling, their faces radiate quiet, wise happiness and peace. And it is worth remembering that these people did not live like this in perfect harmony from the first day of their meeting, they grew their love, came to it through hatred and cooling.

According to psychologists, a couple needs at least 7-10 years to reach friendship and respect, which over time will give way to sincere love. We wish our readers to feel just such a feeling.

Ksenia Chuzha for

Teenage love is impossible. Why?

Someone will be indignant and shout about Romeo and Juliet. Calmly. They were in love. Besides, if there weren’t all these obstacles, and the heads of the warring families would say with one voice, “Lord, what’s wrong with us? Marry, children, for good health, and we will look forward to our grandchildren,” how much longer would the love/infatuation of the most famous teenage couple last? We don't know, but probably not for long.

Is love submission and permissiveness?

You shouldn’t think that this is blind adoration and fulfilling all the whims of your lover. In a serious love relationship, there are demands, rights and responsibilities of each party. Prohibiting drinking and smoking, not allowing overeating, is not at all an infringement of the rights and freedoms of an independent individual. This is health care.

Both love and infatuation are attraction to your partner, both spiritual and physical, but for what purpose exactly?

This can be easily determined by a little reflection with yourself. If you are determined to get pleasure, to satisfy your thirst and need for love, if you want to receive attention and gifts, then this is falling in love. The symptoms and signs of love lie a little deeper. They may not even be immediately distinguishable. Falling in love is a charm, but it passes quickly. True love with care for a partner and respect for him only grows stronger from year to year. This is a more serious feeling, less common. You need to learn love, you need to grow into it.

Sinclair Lewis and his "schemes of love"

Sinclair Lewis, who was not always a highly sought-after writer and Nobel Prize winner, was once engaged in literary day labor: writing simple love stories for newspapers and magazines. He invented several schemes according to which events in his works were to develop. They paid a pittance for them, but an American writer wrote them for 15 grand per evening. And in these patterns there were always difficulties, separations, then reunions.

Eternal theme: boy and girl

Teenagers cannot form a stable, long-term connection, since a boy and a girl have different motives. The boy wants a girl, and the girl wants romance and a beautiful relationship. The young lady’s chosen one cannot give her this due to natural hormonal reasons and general psychological immaturity.

Therefore, the question of how to distinguish love from falling in love among teenagers is a little idle. At this time there is no love, and it cannot exist as a union of two people oriented towards the distant future.

Someone will say: “But there are people who are together all their lives, isn’t that love?” There are different possible answers here. But these people grew up together and with each other, where is the guarantee that this is not a habit or convenience? In this case, love has outlived its usefulness, and love has taken its place. This also happens, but you should not confuse one and the other.

House. Children. Dogs and cats

If a man does not stutter about anything like that, then he is thoroughly fooling a woman. Maybe it's love, maybe it's just lust. The latter is more likely. If a man does not make plans for the future, it means that he does not see a woman in them.

And for women this is always a very painful question (how to distinguish love from infatuation). Psychology can give the answer: the key here are motives, i.e. the answer to the question “Why?”

Why does a man date a woman, what does he expect, what does he offer? By answering these, let’s not be afraid of this word, eternal riddles, you will resolve the situation one way or another.

Wives and mistresses are different not only concepts, but also categories of women

The sign of our times is the consumption of people and things. It is not surprising that people are afraid of being deceived. This is especially true for women, because their youth is not eternal. A girl must achieve some definition in her personal life before the age of 25. By “determination” one should not mean exactly a wedding, children, etc., but at least the final choice of who with whom this is generally possible. When a girl makes the most important bet in her intimate life, she probably should no longer wonder how to distinguish love from being in love. The short answer here could be this: in the attitude of the beloved man towards her.

Using the same criterion, you can understand who a woman is for a man - a mistress or a future wife. Again we return to the damned bourgeois side of life: does he want to have cats, dogs, have children with his girlfriend, then make a living cocktail of happiness out of animals and children, if - yes, he is yours, and you are his. If not, then run, because you are either a mistress or a future housekeeper, who will be responsible for the house and children, as well as maintaining some kind of warm atmosphere in the family, where everything has already been covered with the cold frost of alienation.

It is clear that this is not too specific and very figurative, but if you ask how to distinguish love from falling in love, the answers can be very different and always individual, because psychology is not mathematics, and in the “queen of sciences” not everything is as definite as it can be appear.

How do psychologists and physiologists determine the condition?

Psychology gives a vague description of the concept - it is an excessive emotional experience associated with an attractive person, focusing attention exclusively on him and denying the environment. The recipient of the emotion may know that he has been chosen as the object of desire, or he may be ignorant.

In a positive scenario for the development of events - reciprocity, passionate sympathy and contact leads partners to build healthy, full-fledged relationships, becoming the forerunner of love. And unrequited emotions cause suffering.

At the same time, psychologists recognize that unrequited feelings are useful for personality development. It pushes a person out of his comfort zone, allowing him to transform and improve his inner world,

The described condition initiates changes not only in the human psyche. No less interesting is that chemical reactions occur in the participants’ bodies that radically change their hormonal levels. In addition to the obvious increase in the action of sex hormones (testosterone and estrogens), the content of dopamine, adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins in the body increases.

Moreover, different periods are characterized by jumps in the concentration and combination of substances, the strength of their impact, which explains the rapid change in mood from the most inspired to the dejected. This rapidity depends on the individual characteristics of the individual and is not at all predictable and measurable.

Until now, the time period for the duration of falling in love has not been clearly defined. The first phase of love can last for several days, months or years. Research scientists have even recorded cases lasting no more than a minute.

In teenagers, for example. Often the object of their desire is a fellow student or teacher, a popular performer or a universally recognized outcast, a casual acquaintance or an old family friend. The seething hormones of a young body contribute to transience.

The objects of targeted attention sometimes become random people, fleeting acquaintances with whom the lover cannot come into contact, or people for whom the lover cannot afford to discover sympathy.

This is how an unrequited feeling arises. There are interesting studies here that show that unanswered passion can transform a person’s inner world to a greater extent, since it does not entail a hormonal surge.

The experiencer conceals everything within himself. The duration of classic unrequited love is short and, to a greater extent, depends on the character of the person - the owner of a calmer character will quickly come into balance with his mental state and body, and hysteria, on the contrary, will prolong suffering.

Love at a distance is like an unrequited feeling - without constant tactile or visual contact with a partner, it quickly fades away and becomes ephemeral, unrealistic, and is quickly forgotten. Such a feeling, if it was not tragically colored, quickly passes.

However, the passions experienced in youth are categorized unrequitedly or at a distance. Their transience does not prevent them from leaving a deep imprint on the soul. The gender and age of the lover plays a global differentiating role in the duration of falling in love.