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Sometimes you clearly feel that you need to change direction and take a decisive step towards something new: choose another job, break up with a toxic person, move abroad. But a lack of determination, a lack of support, or a simple fear of the unknown can simply paralyze and keep you in place.
We talked with the heroine, who did not chicken out and decided to radically change everything: leave the university after two years of study to enter a different specialty. We found out how Lika Zadorozhnaya again chose a direction, what she told her skeptical father and why she believed in herself, although almost no one approved of her choice.
Lika Zadorozhnaya
She changed her educational profile after two years of study and again became a first-year student.
“I liked to imagine myself as a serious girl in a suit and with a suitcase in my hands”
I was constantly confused about the choice of profession: in elementary school I wanted to be a cook and fashion designer, after watching the TV series “Secrets of the Investigation” I wanted to be a detective, and then even a dentist. Already in high school, I became interested in psychiatry and sciences related to the functioning of the brain. However, all this also faded into the background when it came time to choose a profile to prepare for exams. I had difficulties with mathematics and chemistry, so I went to the socio-economic direction, where there is a lot of social studies and history.
My family is full of lawyers, so at one point I decided to choose the simplest and most understandable path for myself: to also become a lawyer. My parents didn’t insist on this, and my father even asked me several times if I really wanted this. I didn't really feel like I had any desire to study law, but I liked imagining myself as a serious girl in a suit and carrying a suitcase.
I felt comfortable in this story, thought out to the smallest detail: I’m studying to become a lawyer, my dad, if anything, helps me with internships, I get a job, I get a lot of money.
Many people even then said that my character did not fit well with jurisprudence: I was too dreamy, sensitive, and empathic. It was unpleasant to hear this, so I tried to ignore such arguments: the plan was already thought out and seemed quite successful. Deep down, I even liked to create a feeling of dissonance in people: a cute petite girl and such a serious profession.
Moving to Moscow in this story became an obligatory step for me. I was obsessed with the capital from the age of 15, because I knew that there were better jobs, high salaries and the opportunity to separate from my parents. I needed all this, because I considered myself a real careerist. I imagined coming to my dorm room, studying the laws with a glass of wine, managing to combine study with work, and by the age of 40, earning a lot of money and starting to travel.
I was like Scrooge McDuck with dollars in my eyes. I liked to think that I would go to Moscow and be involved in something more prestigious than everyone else.
“Unified State Exam tests have become as much fun for me as crossword puzzles”
To enter the law school, I had to pass three subjects: Russian language, social studies and history. In addition to them, I also chose specialized mathematics - my teacher insisted on this. I prepared for the exams without tutors, because I had enough perseverance, motivation and work with school teachers. Unified State Exam tests have become as much entertainment for me as crossword puzzles on the train. There was no need to force me to prepare because I myself understood the importance of getting high scores.
I wasn't worried before the Unified State Exam. Six months before the exams, I started dating a guy and felt euphoric. Of course, I was a little nervous, but Nikita calmed me down. During the trial exams, I completed the tasks of the first part in 7 minutes, and the second in just 30 minutes.
I was as confident as possible in my knowledge and internally felt that everything would be fine. In the end, I actually passed the exams very well.
In all subjects, I lost a few points due to inattention, but overall the result was quite high: Russian language - 96 points, social studies - 86 points, history - 96 points. I passed mathematics with 72 points, but upon admission it was not useful to me at all. I applied to several universities at once and got through almost all of them on a budget, but chose Moscow State Law University named after. O. E. Kutafina. So in September 2020 I became a student.
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“I worked hard to get straight A’s, present my report card to my dad and get his approval.”
When I saw the order for enrollment, I was simply in seventh heaven. I was already looking forward to the move, the start of student life, and new subjects. There were no thoughts at all that I was doing something wrong. There was only one thought in my head: “Well, Lika, we’ll live!”
These same feelings accompanied me throughout my first year. Then I didn’t worry about anything yet, I received a scholarship and a good amount of money for personal expenses, went to concerts, and got used to life in a hostel. In addition, a couple of months after me, my boyfriend moved to Moscow. The world at that moment seemed like just paradise.
I liked feeling like a student, and I also enjoyed the fact that there was no mathematics at the law faculty. Some of the teachers turned out to be charismatic, and it was quite interesting to listen to them. I worked hard to save up A grades, give my report card to my dad and get his approval.
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
The only thing I clearly understood right away was that I was not on the same path with my classmates. They're good guys, but it's like we exist on different planes. I felt like a little girl - too kind, flighty and naive for the profession I had chosen. The guys turned out to be very closed and focused only on their work, so I couldn’t talk to anyone about feelings and emotions. Classmates thought only about becoming the best at something and quickly finding a job. Previously, this attitude was close to me, but here I instantly felt like a stranger.
“It was like I opened a door and saw something I shouldn’t have.”
In August 2020, the university hosted the “School of Masters” - an annual major event for law students, to which specialists from various fields are invited to share their experience. One of the lectures was given by lawyer Ekaterina Smirnova and director Konstantin Bogomolov. They drew an analogy between law and theater, and I found myself thinking that listening about theater was much more interesting to me. I left the event in terrible confusion, as if I had opened the door and seen something I shouldn’t have.
Be that as it may, I started my second year with a fighting spirit to participate in conferences and look for good internships. I wanted to build a career, as I had planned several years ago, but I noticed that I was constantly looking for some kind of excuse.
Industry subjects began, and as homework we were asked to find case law on some issue.
I sat in the “Consultant Plus” program and thought: “Lord, is this really what I’ll be doing at work. Seriously?"
Step by step, I became disillusioned with law. In the second semester, something unprecedented happened in the life of an excellent student: I started skipping classes. For me this is simply nonsense. Thoughts began to appear in my head: “What if this is not yours? But what is right for you then? Then two Faces fought inside. One wanted to find herself as quickly as possible and conducted existential polls on Instagram, while the other slapped the first one in the face and said: “Are you completely crazy? Go study law, we are careerists!” In general, mild schizophrenia.
Don't hesitate to breathe
Another important symptom of sudden fear is difficulty breathing. It becomes frequent and shallow. Breathing practices will provide you with invaluable help in combating fear. They are universal and will be useful both in everyday life and in a distant exotic country, if fear interferes with your desire to paraglide or dive on a reef.
#Lifehack
To begin, mentally focus on your breathing, watch how your chest rises and falls, how the flow of air rushes first into your lungs, then back.
Chances are, you, like most of us, are breathing incorrectly. You need to breathe not with your chest, but with your stomach, pumping air into it like a pump. Try to breathe correctly: place your hand on your chest for control and breathe from your stomach. Have you tried it? It turns out? Then you will probably return to normal breathing again, but now, when you need to calm down and overcome fear, this experiment will be useful. You need to inhale through your nose, in a normal rhythm, but exhale slowly, through your mouth: the exhalation should be at least five times longer than the inhalation. So, inhale, hold your breath for a couple of seconds, exhale. Now try to exhale forcefully through the obstacle. You can simply press your lips tightly together, but it is better to control the exhalation with your tongue pressed to the roof of your mouth. If you breathe through your tongue, the air will come out with a characteristic whistling sound. Don't be shy about this sound, you shouldn't care what others think. First, listening to your breathing will help you ensure that you are breathing correctly. Secondly, the sound of exhaled air itself has a calming effect.
You can also try exhaling air not in a continuous stream, but in portions, half a second long. In this case, you will sort of tut. This technique is actively used in scuba diving and yoga.
The effect of breathing practice is the same as that of muscle relaxation. First, you forget about your fears by switching to breathing. Secondly, you calm the body at the physiological level.
“I cried a lot, slept poorly and experienced some kind of apathy”
I really tried to fall in love with law and forced myself to watch interviews with specialists in this field. It seemed to me that this way I could warm up to one of the professionals and follow in his footsteps. I grabbed every opportunity to fall in love with this business: I looked for interesting judicial practices, communicated with specialists from different legal fields, and generally tried to romanticize the profession in my head. But as a result, I realized that I was simply filling an inner emptiness.
Then I decided to get acquainted with all the professions in a row: I went to the website of the Higher School of Economics, opened tabs with faculties and read about all the educational programs. There was a moment when I had seen enough interviews with actors from the Gogol Center and decided to enroll in the production department at VGIK, but my parents quickly hit me in the head, and I did not fight for this idea. Thoughts about VGIK receded, but anxiety about the future did not go away. It often resulted in psychosomatics: I cried a lot, slept poorly and experienced some kind of apathy.
Everything changed when I came across the psychology department at HSE. Thoughts about my love for working with the brain surfaced again. I had previously been interested in psychology as a hobby, but now I started reading about people in this field and exploring what opportunities a psychological education could give me. The more I learned, the more clearly I realized that I had found people who thought in the same plane as me. They ask questions that concern me and give informed answers to them.
It seemed to me that the transition would be quite smooth: I would not be a lawyer, but an HR manager. The idea of working with people, rather than with books and laws, attracted me more.
Son of difficult mistakes
By the way, about experience. He, of course, helps us in a familiar situation. But it can also become a big problem. Previous failures hurt your pride and deprive you of strength. Fear of change is often based on difficult memories. After all, you try to compare any new situation with what you already know. And if you remember an unsuccessful attempt, you are always afraid of its repetition and no longer pay attention to the positive aspects. If this is the main reason for anxiety, then it is generally not difficult to cope with it: you need to find the differences between upcoming changes and frightening memories. It sounds very simple, but sometimes you can’t immediately figure out what exactly causes fear.
“My father was so angry that you could see lightning in the sky.”
I had to sift through a huge amount of information, so the choice was not as spontaneous as in the 11th grade. A few months later, I definitely decided that I wanted to enter the psychology department. The hardest thing left is to figure out how to tell your parents about this.
All spring I toiled and gradually prepared my dad for a possible change in education. She constantly hinted that I didn’t like studying at law school and that I felt bad. And then she simply called and directly announced that she had decided to leave the university. The father was so angry that you could see lightning in the sky. I assured him that I would definitely apply to the budget again, and if this did not happen, I would return to law school.
We agreed that I would take a sabbatical, but in fact I planned to drop out in order to immediately cut off all ties with jurisprudence. I was sure that I would not return, no matter how the situation turned out.
When my classmates found out that I was going to leave, they were not upset or happy: I was a fairly inconspicuous person in the group. But the teachers twisted it at my temple and tried to dissuade me in every possible way. The arguments were of the sort: “What? To the psychology department? Why are you doing it? Yes, my friend with such an education cannot find a job now.” Everyone looked at me with some kind of pity in their eyes and thought: “Oh, poor, unfortunate, I couldn’t make up my mind.”
I went to pick up the documents after the summer session. When I wrote a letter of resignation, they continued to dissuade me with typical phrases: “Well, why, I had to finish my studies.” The assistant dean sat me down opposite her and began to tell me a story about her daughter, who freaked out in her second year and said she would leave. As a result, I completed my studies, works, is happy and gets a lot of money. Everyone was worried about how my parents would survive my departure, but I felt so bad from being at the law school that I wanted only one thing - for everything to end as quickly as possible.
When I dropped out, I felt like the heroine of a musical. I walked into the university with a cobblestone on my shoulders, and came out so inspired! There was not an ounce of regret: I did not doubt the correctness of my decision and am still confident that I did the right thing.
“I encouraged myself that I had an atypical path in life”
Almost no one supported me, so I was my main support. Many did not understand what I would do at the psychology department, and were skeptical when I left the budget. It didn't bother me. Each time I mentally shook my hand and said: “Well done, Lika, we made the right decision.” I encouraged myself that I had an atypical path in life. It’s great that I’ve already completed half of my higher education and now I’ll be able to master a new direction. And the fact that I will start my career a little later is not scary. After all, who am I trying to prove something to? Only for myself, and my relationship with myself is quite harmonious.
I don’t dwell on failures and don’t trample myself into the ground for not doing something the first time. It didn’t work out, and okay, I got up, moved on and tried something different.
It seems to me that if you don’t face difficulties, then you either don’t reflect on your life at all, or you don’t do anything. It is impossible to handle everything perfectly and walk on a smooth, well-trodden path. I was also inspired by the stories of people who work outside their specialty. It seems to me that you need to get an education, but then you can choose another path.
The thought of re-enrolling did not frighten me. I know how to study and understood that I could prepare for the Unified State Exam again. This is not the most difficult exam in life. Since there was no longer any support in the form of a general education school, in September 2020 I started studying at an online school. To enter the psychology department, I had to pass biology and retake specialized mathematics with a higher score. The results in Russian were good after the first attempt, so I decided to use them.
This time I prepared less diligently than the year I graduated from school. There was less commitment, and I had to put in more effort to push myself and force myself to study. The motivation was there, but I often fell into existential crises, thinking about my path and reflecting on what I was meant for. All this was confusing, but I continued to prepare: I watched webinars, did my homework, and took tests.
“When I found out the exam results, I cried continuously for two days”
The second time at the Unified State Exam, I was much more worried. I no longer felt that I knew everything down to the smallest detail. I came home after the exam upset: I felt like I had failed. For admission, I needed a high score - 90 or higher, but I only got 78. When I found out the results, I cried continuously for two days. For me this is very little, so I despised myself.
Mathematics also did not become my strong point. I haven’t liked it since school and started actively preparing only a month in advance. It turned out so-so, and during the exam there were also problems with some tricks. In the end, I passed only two points higher than the last time, and was very upset because I expected more.
It is not difficult to guess that based on the results of the Unified State Exam, the chance to enter the Higher School of Economics on a budget was lost.
My dad supported me and said that he would pay for my education. Now he approves of my choice, although he was skeptical before. He changed his mind because I systematically talked to him and explained that I was not going to a vocational school or studying something useless. This education is a really important step for me. In addition, psychologists can build an excellent career and earn good money - this was important to my father.
Coming to terms with the fact that I would be pursuing my education on a commercial basis turned out to be the most difficult thing. At first I entered law school with high scores, and then fell down from the heights of my conceit. It’s very unpleasant to realize that I depend on my dad and burden him with paying for my education. It’s annoying, but I got a 50% discount and now I’m trying to increase it or switch to a budget.
“It turned out that I was better than I thought”
This time I feel that I have made the right decision about education, and this outweighs all my worries. Every morning I wake up and can’t believe that all this is happening to me. I look forward to the seminars with interest, like the next episode of a series, and then I return home with the words: “We studied this today!” I like to discuss with teachers things that I could previously only talk about with friends or a boyfriend. My hobby became my main activity, and this is what I wanted: to be interested in psychology without any remorse.
Now I can study what I really like, not for the sake of pluses and points for classes, but simply because I want to. I'm bursting with joy - it's like I won the lottery.
I have rarely been lucky with groups, but this time the group I came across was simply awesome. Everyone is so kind, polite and bright. It was as if I was out of place again, but now in a good sense of the word.
After entering the Faculty of Psychology, I feel like a renewed person. My opinion of myself has even improved. I became the head girl in my group, and it turned out that I was not careless, as I had previously thought, but quite responsible and quite confident in myself. Now I feel a lot of internal resource, which is enough for studying, and for part-time work, and for playing sports. I managed to discover myself in a new way. It turned out that I was better than I thought. It's a nice feeling.
I have excellent student syndrome, so I still worry about grades. However, I am so grateful that the difficulties I face are exactly like this. I have never felt so harmonious before. It’s hard for me to imagine how my life would have turned out if I hadn’t taken the risk. I think I would hate myself and blame myself all the time for not being interested enough in the profession or not being able to start building a career. It's suicide, so I wouldn't do that to myself. I did what I had to do.
Medications to suppress fear
We do not advise you to use medications to suppress fear. Yes, they exist. But there are no drugs that would suppress only fear and not affect anything else. They have a whole range of other effects.
#Lifehack
Most drugs slow down reactions, impair motor skills and, most unpleasantly, dull the sense of danger.
And this is absolutely not in your interests. After all, you see, fear and caution are two different things. We hope you are going to live happily ever after, so there is no need to be careful, even if you don’t have the strength, like you want to take a photo of yourself flying under the canopy of a parachute. And definitely don’t try to extinguish fear with alcohol and drugs. In the best case scenario, if you're lucky, the instructor simply won't let you take the flight or dive. At worst, you will crash or drown. You will no longer care, and you will bring a lot of grief to your family and friends. Remember them.
“When people imply that I made a mistake, it triggers me.”
I have already decided on the global sphere, but I am still looking for my path. I think in which direction of psychology to develop, what is my mission. I would like to take steps towards building a career, but I have not yet decided what exactly I want to do. I hope this won't last long and I'll find the answers soon. This is my next stage.
When people imply that I've made a mistake, it triggers me. I don’t think I took a step back, because in fact it’s two steps forward towards myself. There are no uniform rules to live. There is no standard scheme: school, one university and a job in a specialty in which you will be hunched over until the end of your days.
I think any path is cool, especially if it's unusual.
When an unusual situation happens to you, you become flexible and learn to make important decisions. I am glad that I was able to take this step, did not give up and did not bend to the opinion of the majority. It changed my life.
If you have doubts right now and feel pressure, then remember that your loved ones are not with you forever. From a certain point you will have to live independently and be responsible for your choices. It’s not your relatives who will go crazy, be depressed, feel guilty and ashamed, and feel out of place, but you. If your loved ones really wish you well and all the best, then they will definitely be happy to see you joyful and enthusiastic. Listen to your inner voice, be honest and rely only on yourself.
You are not a frontline fighter
One of the typical mistakes of a beginning extreme sports enthusiast: he throws himself into the depths of the sea or goes uphill, like a soldier on his last battle. Such a person suppresses all his instincts and fears by willpower. Gritting his teeth, he seems to rise from a trench and, shouting: “Our people don’t give up!”, goes into an attack against the elements, that is, he takes a step from the side of an airplane, boat or jumping board. The trouble with this simple method is that, firstly, your feeling of fear has not disappeared. Yes, you suppressed him, silenced him for a moment. But where is the guarantee that panic will not overwhelm you when you are already under water or in the air? Secondly, when attacking the elements, you will not be able to appreciate all the beauty of the underwater world or the bird's eye view of the earth - what you actually took this decisive step for. A person going on an attack sees only the enemy’s machine-gun nest and will remember only that.
Understand a simple truth: the elements are not your enemy, they are your friend, ready to give you adrenaline and unforgettable impressions. You will never be able to defeat it: the mountain is millions of times larger than you, for the ocean wave you are a midge that it will crush and not notice.
#Lifehack
Your task is not to attack the elements, but to merge with it, to become one. Before you take the decisive step, look around you, feel the wind blowing, watch where it drives the sea wave. And imagine yourself as a part of this world - at least as that very sea wave. And fear will recede: after all, the waves of the sea are not afraid, they themselves are the sea.
