People are sometimes ready to commit self-destruction just to avoid the condemnation and negative assessment of other people.
They don't tell people what they want to tell them. They prefer to remain silent. They are afraid to tell their loved ones about their true desires. They do not require a salary increase. They won’t reschedule a meeting or tell you where they’d like to go for dinner.
This fear of judgment stems from the desire to be liked by other people all the time. But since this is impossible, this hopeless game prevents people from freely expressing and manifesting their true selves.
Let's face it, people are always judging others - good/bad, like/dislike, and the like. As new information comes in, the human mind again re-evaluates everything. And this is a continuous process.
Instead of avoiding the issue by saying nothing about your preferences and working overtime to avoid criticism, you can work on accepting things as they come.
Here are 4 ways to help you stop living in fear of judgement:
Nothing lasts forever
The reality is that the human brain has a limited supply of data. Although we may judge, these judgments are not important enough to remain in our memory forever. So when someone judges you, most likely a moment or a day later, he or she will have forgotten what they told you.
We build our opinions about people based not on the mistakes and failures we observe, but on the more significant things they do and say. We take into account how they behave with us and how they make us feel over time.
Criticism is inevitable
Stop trying to control the judgment of others. You cannot control the thoughts of others. They may not express their criticism. However, this does not mean that they can stop the physiological brain process.
Instead, try to explain how you feel. The people you open up to should understand this and show you empathy. Compassion is the Achilles heel of judgment.
People forget about judgment when they show compassion to each other because they put themselves in the other person's shoes.
How to express your own opinion: causes of fear and ways to overcome it
The reason for the fear of objecting to your interlocutor or openly expressing your point of view lies in the uncertainty that low self-esteem generates. Usually these are people who grew up in a family where their opinion was not taken into account, who depend on the opinions of people and are always afraid of a negative assessment of their actions. What advice can you give them? It’s easier to look at the world, fight complexes and learn one truth: society has not yet come up with another way to change the world around us for the better. Humanity would never have achieved such progress if it continued to be afraid of its own opinion.
The times of the Middle Ages have passed, but the fear of speaking out remains. With the advent of democracy, expressing one’s point of view and being able to defend one’s personal position became prestigious and was associated with the sign of a strong-willed person, a real personality.
If you feel the need to speak up, first of all, wait for the right moment. Remember: no one will listen to you if you have nothing to say, if you are just trying to attract attention in any way.
There are rules of communication that will help you speak out without serious negative consequences:
express your thoughts clearly and clearly: practicing conversations, reading books, keeping a diary, special trainings will help you formulate them correctly; try to analyze situations more often, conduct an internal dialogue with yourself, mentally argue your personal opinion to imaginary opponents; practice doing this with those whom you are least afraid of - younger relatives, friends, try to argue with them just as a joke; take part in discussions, look for like-minded people during disputes - support will give you strength and confidence; if it is very difficult to start, watch how others do it, sometimes imitate them. Then, unnoticed by yourself, you will enter a new role, literally become infected with confidence, and this will help you achieve the desired results; Always behave calmly and composedly with others, there is no need to worry - after all, who will suffer because you say “I believe”? Everyone has the right to vote, including you.
Any point of view is preceded by knowledge, experience or justification. Having your own opinion does not mean saying everything that pops into your head.
Let them condemn
You can free yourself if you allow judgment to be present in your intimate relationships. Instead of not allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable, and not sharing something that is negative but important to you, do it anyway.
If you notice that the fear of judgment does not allow you to be yourself, first ask yourself: “What kind of judgment am I afraid of if I open up to people?”
Once you understand what exactly you are afraid of, try to calm yourself and find a way in which you can manage your fear.
Remind yourself that when you risk being judged and open up to people, you create closer relationships with them. If your openness is not appreciated, this does not mean that you did something wrong. This means that the person with whom you tried to establish a connection is not capable of an emotionally close relationship.
I have heard so much slander against you that I have no doubt: you are a wonderful person!
O. Wilde
We often encounter criticism of various kinds in our lives, which, for the most part, is not adequate. This criticism, in fact, characterizes the person from whose lips it comes! Criticism can be constructive or destructive. In this article we will focus more on the second.
First of all, it is important to note that all the people around us come into our lives for nothing. These are a kind of teachers who pass on certain knowledge to us and make us more experienced and wiser. Our environment is our reflection, our mirrors. If you don’t like something in a person: actions, character, various manifestations, whatever - look why it still doesn’t work for you!
Expression: “If I change myself, the world changes me!” - this is not just an expression, it is a law of life! Everything starts to work only when you start changing yourself! To understand how this law works, I sometimes give the following task at my trainings: Go out into the street and hug 20 random people! Just give it a hug, you need to do it for 15 minutes. Interesting fact: not everyone can do this, although there is nothing complicated here. Why do you think? Precisely because they scroll a lot of negative thoughts in their heads, instead of just taking it and doing it!
First of all, the fear of criticism, the fear of being judged by other people, the fear of being funny in the eyes of others begins to work here. This exercise is one of the simplest, yet it clearly and at the level of sensations shows the basic laws of the universe. The conclusions to which it is intended to lead a person are the following:
- As I am, so is the world around me! That is: I am open and people are open, I am positive and people are positive, I am a giver and people are givers! And so on…
- Like attracts like. Two drops of water attract and merge into one. A drop of water and a drop of oil do not have this possibility. Here we need an emulsifier, in our case they can be served by a positive attitude and a smile - they are contagious!
- What you give is what you get! If you convey uncertainty, fear, doubt and melancholy, or, even worse, have a selfish interest, people feel it and are not willing to make contact, and most often avoid it. But if on the contrary: you are open, confident, positive, have good and good intentions, then, as a rule, people are happy to make contact!
In what mood are you performing this exercise?
It is very important! One of the fears that slows down the path to achieving goals is the fear of criticism or fear of condemnation, that is, the fear of looking bad in the eyes of others. This fear is present in any normal person. Let's first figure out where it comes from? It was tightly built into us in various social institutions, such as: family, kindergarten, school, university, environment, media, and so on.
How? Since childhood, we have been taught to live up to the expectations of adults. Since childhood, we have heard: “Boys don’t cry!”, “Girls don’t behave like that!”, “Do well at school and go to college, you’ll find a good job!”, “If you don’t listen, you’ll get it!” and the universal: “If you do this..., then it will be like this...!” And the child gets used to meeting the expectations of adults, because if he does everything “right”, he will be praised and this is pleasant. The principle of positive incentive works. And if they are convicted, it threatens with punishment!
As a result, in the process of growing up, he is afraid to leave his comfort zone, which was formed for him by the social institutions that I listed above. And a person, as an adult, on a subconscious level tries to please others. Which in itself is not possible if you have the intention to grow and develop!
Fear of condemnation kills initiative in a person. No matter what you do and no matter how you do it, you will still be criticized. There will always be those who don't like what you do. It’s impossible to please everyone, and you don’t need to! Not everyone likes even kittens. Look at those who criticize and at their surroundings, everything will immediately become clear. As a rule, you won’t find positive reviews about such people unless they left them themselves! Like attracts like! Do you remember?
Make it your basic rule to NEVER CRITICISE ANYONE! This is the prerogative of weak and insecure people!
So how to deal with criticism? Several tools:
- When criticizing, suggest, suggest - do it! Do you know this rule? People are divided into two types: those who do and those who talk. You belong to the first type, so keep creating. The dog barks, the caravan moves on!
- If you are criticized, you are ahead! You just hurt someone's feelings, made someone's dream come true, and someone is trying to compensate for their weakness by criticizing you.
- You are a dissenter! You don't do things like everyone else! This is a leadership quality and it is good. Keep up the good work! All great people were criticized and ridiculed, nevertheless, their names entered the history of mankind. And no one will remember those who criticize.
- High minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, low minds discuss people! Draw conclusions. Strong and self-respecting people will not spread rumors and spoil things in the comments.
- Remember the attitude: “Everyone who likes me is wonderful and adequate people. I love and respect them. Whoever doesn’t like me is their problem and their opinion doesn’t interest me!”
- As a rule, those who criticize are always in a significant minority; if on the contrary, you are doing something wrong.
- If the criticism is constructive, great! You have been shown the direction of growth!
- The higher you go, the stronger the wind blows! This means that the greater your success, the more people will be dissatisfied with you. Their number increases in proportion to your success.. So, this is a natural process!
Do what you can and know how, with what you have, right now!
Don't think - just do it! How to get rid of the fear of criticism, and indeed of any fears?
I will share with you, dear friend, a universal formula that I always use myself, it will help you change your life!
Each person has only two motives that push him to actions of one kind or another: obtaining pleasure and avoiding pain. The fact is that the motive to avoid pain is many times stronger than the motive to gain pleasure. If you still don't do something in your life, it's because you associate more pain with these actions than pleasure!
Every time fear manifests itself, you scare yourself by making up all sorts of stories and losing situations. For example, the question: “What will happen if I do this?” in your head sounds like: “What BAD will happen if I do this?” Thus, you create imaginary pain, which makes you avoid action!
We have already learned to frighten ourselves negatively! Fear, in fact, is a very powerful resource, let's turn it to our advantage and let it work for us, not against us! Since the motive for avoiding pain is so strong, then let’s now scare ourselves in the right direction: “What will happen if I DO NOT do this?” Thus, we create a motive to avoid pain from inaction, from avoidance. This is where fear starts working for you!
There is another less stressful option, the task of which is to connect the actions that you are avoiding with pleasure. Ask yourself the following question: “What GOOD thing will happen if I do this?” Find at least 3 reasons, and preferably 5. This is where fear begins to recede! Apply this formula by replacing the perceived pain of action with pleasure, which will allow you to accomplish what scares you. You will be pleasantly surprised how cool this technique works!
Now everything that you fear most can be easily accomplished thanks to this formula, but always remember that FEAR IS A DIRECTION INDICATION! Exactly what scares you is what you need to do! Firstly, you will receive incomparable pleasure from overcoming fear, and secondly, often behind your greatest fear lies your destiny, which is just waiting for your decisive action to open up for you!
If you read to the end, then this is important to you! And I suggest that you definitely complete the following tasks:
- During today, you need to do a very interesting and enjoyable exercise to work through the fear of criticism: you need to hug at least 30 people, taking into account the moments that I described above! Allow a maximum of one hour of time for all this! Monitor your internal dialogue! Then evaluate the result! At the very least, you will make the people you hug a little happier! When you consciously complete this task, you will catch several insights at the level of sensations! Approach only those that you simply would not approach! There must be girls and boys of different social levels!
- Take 30 minutes today and write down everything that is important to you, but you are afraid to do. What are you constantly putting off? What baffles you? Select from the list received the three main points that scare you the most, but are the most important for you! Write 3-5 advantages of each of these actions, answering the question: “What good will happen if I do this?”
As soon as you complete the task, write to me about your results here: https://vk.com/vasdvas.
I wish you success, the brightest achievements and the fulfillment of all goals in your life story, which you write every day! I believe in your success, it is inevitable!
Author: Dmitry Vasiliev Success coach, motivational speaker, head of the Dmitry Vasiliev training center.
Pay attention to your own judgments
There is no better way to stop paying attention to the judgments of others than to start judging yourself and less of others. Of course, judgments are inevitable. However, watch what you say when you think about the people and events that happen in your life.
Change the direction of your judgments from “she sucks” or “he’s a loser.”
Ask yourself:
- What influence does a person have on you?
- What do you want to avoid or realize in the future?
For example: “She never fulfills her obligations towards me.”
Or, “He tells me he tries, but I always end up disappointed.”
Stop focusing on the good and bad qualities of the people around you. Start thinking about what is good or bad for you personally.
When the word is gold
There is a saying: “words are silver, silence is gold.”
At school, in the garden, at the institute and at work, we are taught to be polite, tactful and modest, they are encouraged to obey our elders and not argue with our superiors.
However, constantly ignoring your legitimate natural desires can lead to the fact that those around you will soon stop noticing your existence altogether, much less taking into account your opinion. Agree - no one will take into account what does not exist in nature. Or even worse: in a healthy society, one way or another, the laws of evolution apply: that is, stronger individuals try to subjugate the weaker and use them.
Therefore, silence is golden, but only if it is appropriate and does not violate someone's rights. The word can also be golden. Suffice it to recall the Danish fairy tale “The King’s New Clothes,” where a mischievous child voiced the secret opinion of the people, showing an example to adults of what it means to have one’s own opinion.
By expressing our own opinion, we let off our “inner steam,” because constantly holding feelings inside ourselves and accumulating grievances is harmful to health and can cause serious mental disorders.
