5 1696 June 5, 2020 at 06:14 Author of the publication: Tatyana Kuzmina, consultant on education abroad Editor: Tamara Tkachenko
You can’t take a step without considering the opinions of others. And people just try to inject. It is bitter and insulting to receive a negative assessment. And you kind of understand that you can’t please everyone. But reproaches do not allow you to breathe easy. Are gentle and kind people really doomed to suffer? How can we put up a shield so that condemnation cannot break through and wound the heart? How not to depend on other people's opinions?
This article is not going to teach you not to care what others think. We will talk about what unconscious processes govern a person who is afraid of any comments addressed to him. Understanding the underlying causes of a problem is the most important step towards freeing yourself from the shackles of dependence on the opinions of others. The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan will help you gain inner core and self-confidence, even if your opinion differs from the judgments of others.
Dependence on other people's opinions - what does it look like and manifest itself?
It is the passion for the approval of others that pushes us to:
- We push forward our desire to do what we love. Instead, we go to study where “mom told us.”
- We wear uncomfortable, unsuitable clothes for US, just to conform to the trends of fashion.
- Over time, we simply stop hearing ourselves and our desires. We are so used to relying on the opinions of others and their approval/disapproval.
- We do our best to publish photos of ourselves, restored and retouched and deliriously happy, which we are not.
- We go for plastic surgery, cut noses and bodies.
- We nag and abuse our children so that they, too, conform to the “ideals.” And for what? Yes, so that others would approve of us: “Look what a good child he turned out to be.” Rich, successful, handsome."
But all this has consequences. We pay for the approval of others with ourselves. With my life. Your sense of right to life.
How not to depend on other people's opinions and approval of others
A lot of grown men and women try to please others. At the same time, they suffer from disapproval. They themselves call it “dependence on other people’s opinions and approval of others.” Which is difficult, very difficult to fight, almost impossible.
Why? Because - she, this dependence on other people's opinions is not fully realized. And we are no longer aware of what lies behind it.
What's behind it? Children's learned sensation.
Which is called “I’m doing the wrong thing.” That's not what I'm saying. I dress wrong, I make the wrong choices in my life.
And, being in this feeling, at the same time there is a feeling of hunger for approval and support.
This is a feeling of hunger to make us understand how valuable we are in ourselves, to close our need for recognition, to make us feel significant.
And, this situation originates, most often, from parents, from mother (more often than others).
Mom is a living person with many of her own attitudes and unconscious traumas in her head. And, a mother who treats her child as an extension of herself (and not as a separate person) endows him with her own expectations. This is the original, “zero” person who showed the power of someone else’s opinion.
For example, she expects him to dance well, because she herself did not succeed in her time - her dream did not come true.
Or, she really wants to make her daughter a fashion model. Examples can be given for a long time. I think you have them too. But these are global examples.
And, there are daily, everyday issues in which the mother, again, promotes her own vision. And, her own expectations of how her child should act.
Moreover, if a child was not given the right to defend “exactly how I want to act” as a child, then even as an adult, such a person will endlessly seek approval from others. He will be afraid of their disapproval. And, feel guilty if you couldn’t live up to the expectations of your loved ones.
The situation is dire. You look at such a person, he is already planning to retire soon. But at the same time, she is still afraid of her mother’s dissatisfaction with her behavior.
And he feels endlessly guilty, small and weak. That he didn’t live up to it, didn’t please, wasn’t good enough. At a time when certain behavior was expected of him.
The most interesting thing is that this same scheme is automatically transferred to other people!
Well, simply because for the psyche it is a learned pattern of behavior, a learned script.
How to ignore the opinions of others - saving insight
But, however, everything turns upside down in his head when an insight occurs:
It's not my problem, mom, that I don't meet your expectations, but yours!
After this, a lot of things fall into place. Relationships improve and things become calmer. Greater self-confidence appears.
And, other people’s opinions, the approval/disapproval of all other people, become not so important.
Uncritical acceptance by a person of someone else's opinion, compliance with real or imagined pressure
Content
A person’s uncritical acceptance of someone else’s opinion, compliance with real or imaginary pressure Answers to test 11 D 12 B 13 A 14 A 15 B 16 D 17 B 18 B 19 B 20 C
11. The mechanism of social perception, which consists of interpreting the actions and feelings of another person (group ) through attributing the reasons underlying these feelings and actions - this is: A) attribution B) identification C) empathy D) reflection 12. Objectivity of interpersonal conflict means: A) people can evaluate the conflict objectively B) in any conflict there is an object of conflict C ) any conflict has its own logic of emergence and development D) people consciously control intergroup conflicts
13. Large organized social groups that occupy a strictly defined place in the historically established system of economic and social relations of a particular society, differing in their relation to the means of production, in their role in the social organization of labor, in the methods of obtaining and the size of the share of wealth that they have , are: A) nations B) classes C) crowd D) political parties 14. The two-way process of assimilation and active reproduction by an individual of the social experience of the society to which he belongs is: A) education B) socialization C) adaptation D) resocialization 15. The state of readiness of an individual or group to react in a certain way to certain phenomena of social reality, based on past experience that directs, distorts or otherwise affects people’s behavior, is: A) social attitudes B) social norms C) religious attitude D) political attitude 16. The group whose goals, opinions and values are shared by a person, to which he is guided when assessing himself and others, is: A) reference group B) real group C) primary group D) formal group 17. C Which of the groups most clearly manifests this type of conformism as collectivist self-determination: A) referent B) diffuse C) highly developed D) collective 18. The methods of making a group decision do not include: A) group interview B) brainstorming C) group discussion D ) grouping of thinking 19. The type of leader who puts forward and defends the values, goals, norms, rules of the group, is responsible for solving official tasks assigned to the group by the administration - this is: A) formal B) institutional C) effective D) interpersonal 20. Uncritical acceptance a person of someone else's opinion, compliance with real or imagined pressure from a group or leader is: A) infantilism B) maladjustment C) group integration D) conformism
He who finds himself loses dependence on other people's opinions
Know yourself!
Be yourself!
Love yourself!
I would gladly write these three magical calls on a poster on all advertising stands along the roads instead of advertising.
I am sure that there would be so many benefits from them throughout the whole country.
The fact is that a person who has found himself, known himself, and loved himself is an Indigo man. This is a “superman” who stands out from the gray tired mass of the rest. He lives in a state of flow, is joyful, and can do a lot.
He feels and embodies his right to be himself. And, he is absolutely independent of the opinions of others.
No, this does not mean at all that he does everything that falls under the Criminal and Administrative Codes of Violations. Why?
Because a person who has accepted, loved himself, and given himself the sincere right to BE, AUTOMATICALLY gives the same rights to others. Therefore, he will not hurt others. And he will not violate their borders.
Negative opinion. How should we treat him?
A negative opinion often accompanies those who put a lot of effort into achieving what they want. If you want to succeed, then learn a lot of things in advance, just don’t pay attention to those who express their negative opinions about what you do. Someone else's negative opinion has ruined so many talents that the number of victims is simply impossible to count.
Let's say a person draws something, but not like everyone else. They poke him in the nose with the works of classics, they say that he is a disgrace to the world of fine art, that it is impossible to draw like that, since it is not an image, but a scribble. If he listens to other people's opinions, then goodbye to another potential genius.
What a long way to go. They will build just a beautiful, clean fence. So there are others right there who will definitely write some nasty stuff on the fence. The desire to spoil the world around us is, unfortunately, a form of pleasure for many people. “If I’m dissatisfied with my life, then let everyone feel bad and disgusted,” they reason, and write on the fences what is disgusting to read.
But the biggest “fence” is the Internet. There is always enough space to mess up whatever you want.
Recently, a friend called and, through tears, said that she would never engage in philanthropy again. Quite sincerely, from her income, she transferred a substantial amount for the treatment of seriously ill children.
To her surprise, in one of the newspapers they accused her of doing it for selfish reasons, they painted her noble deed in such black colors that law enforcement agencies took care of her, but without finding any of the violations attributed to her, they fell behind, although they pretty much spoiled nerves.
If you personally litter in your entrance, the majority will simply remain silent, not wanting to get involved with you. But, if you take a bucket with a mop and wash your entrance, then there will be those who will tell you that you do not wash, but spread the dirt, that you do not know how to wash well, that with your cleaning you are simply disturbing those who walk on the stairs.
The world of esotericism or healing is no exception. Whatever you do here, even harmless breathing practices, yoga or traditional medicine, there will instantly be those who will accuse you of fooling people, that what you offer only causes harm.
The way humanity is structured is that it tries in every way to turn you into dullness, into mediocrity. Obeying the law of competition, people subconsciously begin to paint black all those who are still on the same level with them, but strive to break out of this state.
Therefore, no matter what you do great, you must be prepared for the fact that you will definitely be scolded. If you are afraid of this, listen to the opinions of those who scold, then very quickly and imperceptibly for yourself you become dull, which no one is interested in anymore and which people stop talking about.
Only by not paying attention to ill-wishers, by ceasing to pay attention to their negative opinion, do you have a chance to stand out from the gray mass and soar above the crowd.
But when you rise significantly above the crowd and are already difficult to reach, the crowd begins to speak about you with respect, you become an authority for them.
Why all this talk? How does this affect you personally?
This concerns many of you and very strongly. Many of you, using your own or other methods, are developing internal abilities.
While you are busy with yourself, almost no one touches you, except that they quietly twirl a finger at your temple, showing that, apparently, not everything is in order with your brain.
But now you have mastered something, learned something and decided to apply your experience and knowledge in the world around you through services or through training.
You won’t even have time to take a step before they pour a bucket of slop on you. How could it be otherwise, because you want to show the gray masses that you can do what others cannot. Because you have new abilities that others do not have, they begin to paint you with black paint, so that among the grayness you will be the darkest, the most unattractive.
This is where the stratification begins between people who have realized themselves in life, and those who, fearing condemnation from the gray masses, agree to remain behind for the rest of their lives in the same grayness as most of those around them.
Fear of hearing unpleasant things, fear of condemnation makes many refuse to realize their inner intentions. By and large, you voluntarily agree to give up your own happiness. Are you making too much of a sacrifice for the sake of dullness, afraid of hearing a negative opinion about yourself?
Grayness is never happy, with the exception of one case when he writes another nasty thing on a new fence or speaks extremely negatively about some nugget. It is at such moments that the dullness feels so good in the soul that you want to multiply the nasty things. The soul requires more and more nasty things.
Unfortunately, grayness is not familiar with the “Energy Channel” and does not understand that this type of pleasure has a negative impact on all other needs of life. Therefore, there is no reason to envy the way this dullness lives.
And because of this mucus, many people ruin their lives, which are given only once, and do everything so that this dullness, this mucus simply does not notice them.
Indeed, in order for the grayness not to notice you, you just need to do nothing, keep your head down. Then she will not form a negative opinion. Please note that grayness speaks and writes only about those who seek to separate. One grayness will never write or talk about another grayness. This dullness is not fun.
Now think again: - Maybe you are tormented in your soul by the fact that you have not realized yourself only because you are afraid of this very dullness that will point its finger at you?
Do you really live only so that the grayness simply does not notice you, mistaking you for one of its own, for the same grayness?
If you are on the side of dullness and all you do is condemn others, expressing a negative opinion, without developing yourself, then you are simply truly sorry, since this will be another life lived completely mediocrely, for the sake of dullness.
But if you don’t really care about negative opinions, then you have every chance to succeed in life.
