School of Family Life: 6 books on how to build a happy family

Hello, dear readers! What do you do when winter sets in in your relationships with loved ones? Some people prefer to consult with friends. Others choose forums. Some people completely withdraw and begin to delve into themselves. It’s good, of course, when you have the opportunity to visit a good psychologist. However, relatives are often stubborn, and it is difficult to find a real specialist. What to do? Books on family psychology will help! I have prepared for you the top most useful and interesting works. I'll tell you a little about each of them.

"The Map of Love" (John Gottman)

The author became famous for learning to predict divorce just by looking at people. The accuracy is amazing: 90%! How did John do this? For almost 15 years, he observed married couples and their relationships. He measured physical indicators and looked at what was happening in the body during quarrels or peaceful conversations. John can safely be called a psychologist scientist.

“The Map of Love” teaches you to return passion and maintain mutual respect. John does not make sweet promises and universal solutions to all problems. He honestly admits: there are insurmountable obstacles. However, Gottman helps to sort out most of the contradictions, and gives recommendations regarding the rest.

Crises of family life. Ways to overcome

Crises in family life are one of the components of normal family development.

According to scientific views, “crisis” means a moment of imbalance in the system, a loss of correspondence (equilibrium) between individual problems and the resources that exist to resolve them.

Conventionally, all existing crises of family life are considered as two variants of crises.

Development crisis. These are crises that predictably arise throughout life and at different stages of family development (birth of a child, marriage, growing up of children, etc.).

Crisis situation. Most crises fall into this category and are unpredictable stressors (job loss, divorce, conflicts, etc.).

• The emergence of a family is a stage conventionally called “pre-family.”
• Formation of a family (formation of a single psychological and spiritual space).
• The birth of the family itself in its branched structure (the union of two generations, older and younger).
• Growing up children and the division of generations.
• Separation of children from the parental family.
• Repeating the cycle.

A family, like a living organism, has its own periods of childhood, adolescence, prosperity, illness, aging and withering. The transition from one period to another is often associated with the emergence of contradictions in the relationship between husband and wife and, as a result, can lead to crises in family life. The paradox is that crises in family life are more painful if the family arose on the basis of passionate love and, conversely, calmly and almost imperceptibly if the creation of a marriage was dictated by purely business considerations.

The first crisis period is associated with a change in the partner’s image, namely, with a decrease in his psychological status. If at the beginning of family life he or she seemed to be “the best,” then during the crisis there comes a moment when the shortcomings of a loved one come to the fore. Family life, like a pendulum, at the beginning of life deviated towards the positive pole (positive exaggeration), and then sharply darted towards the negative pole (negative exaggeration).

Permission. Couples who stop criticizing each other and move on to an average, balanced state, calmly highlighting both each other’s strengths and weaknesses, experience the crises of family life constructively. At the same time, they place the emphasis in their relationships on merits.

The second crisis period is psychological fatigue from each other, a craving for freshness and novelty in relationships. Men often experience this period especially acutely.

Permission. This crisis of family life is experienced less painfully by those families in which the leash “looses” - the conditions for relative freedom and independence of each other are mutually recognized, and also where both begin to look for ways to renew their relationships.

The third crisis period is the birth of a child. It is usually difficult for both men and women to tolerate. But men suffer a lot in the first year after the birth of a child, and women in the second. Men often say that in the first year they have a lot of fears and anxiety about the family, the wife loses her ability to work and the entire financial burden of responsibility falls on the man, this is a very tense situation. At this moment, the woman is almost unable to provide support to her husband; she devotes herself entirely to the child. The second year of a child's life is very difficult for the wife. She was at home for a long time, her whole life was a feeding schedule. This is where a woman has doubts about whether her husband is still interested in her, and whether she is still worth anything as a specialist.

Permission. Usually those families survive where the husband and wife do not stop talking to each other. During this period, husband and wife have very different tasks, and they live, as they say, “about different things,” moreover, completely absorbed in their own affairs.

Fourth crisis period. Usually it is highlighted by all psychologists and even non-psychologists. This is the age of the family - seven years. Usually the crisis of this period is associated with boredom in family life, but if you think about it, a young family still has nothing to be bored of. The husband is at the top of his career, the wife continues her professional path, the child is growing rapidly and delights the parents with daily “growth news.” The thing is that at the age of seven, children in families usually go to school. What does it mean? This means that for the first time the young family will have to show the world who they raised. This is the time of the first exams for the child, and the child is the fruit of the union.

Permission. Also remember about idealization/devaluation. Our child may not be better than others, but certainly not worse. Usually the world accepts children well, the main thing is that parents do not create additional stress.

The fifth crisis period is the crisis of family life, when the child turns into a teenager. The first stage of separating a child from the family, at first it is the separation of only opinions. For a teenager, authorities appear besides his parents. The family may perceive this period as the collapse of the family; for a man and a woman this is something new - the child brings some other opinions and views into the house.

Permission. Paradoxically, the family will grow stronger if it loosens its boundaries a little. This is a wonderful period when you can test the strength of a family that it is not destroyed under the influence of something new. New things that a child brings to the family.

The sixth crisis period is the moment when the family again becomes two people, because the children leave home. Curious how to write: “they are leaving” or “they are leaving”? Rather, it would be more correct to write about distance. The child does not leave the family, the parental family always remains a refuge for him, he can always return there. This is usually the most difficult period for a family. Many couples break up when the spouses are forty years old. This is a difficult period for both women and men. Life practically has to be redrawn, looking for new meanings in it. Men are attracted to young women in the hope of once again going through the cycle from starting a family to leaving children; women often pay more attention to their careers. Relationships at this stage are sometimes understood as exhausted, mission accomplished.

Permission. It usually helps to learn something again and have fun.

Crises in family life are one of the components of normal family development. According to scientific views, “crisis” means a moment of imbalance in the system, a loss of correspondence (equilibrium) between individual problems and the resources that exist to resolve them.

Maria Aleksandrovna Mikhailova, clinical psychologist, gestalt therapist

"How to Save Your Family Boat" (Cloud Thousand)

How often does your temper interfere with your life? Surely each of us has once done something out of emotion that we later regretted. Cloud offers to restore harmony using simple techniques. The style is a bit heavy, but it is not necessary to read it together. This is important in cases where the partner does not want to acknowledge reality at all.

After reading, we ourselves become a little psychologists. You can never have too much wisdom, so don't give up on books. Have you read anything from the list? What I liked most was the Peases' "handbook." There will be answers to any question. Soon I will make another interesting selection. See you again!

What is a crisis

When we hear this word “crisis,” we immediately involuntarily begin to panic. It is associated with negativity, problems and consequences. Of course, because we use it in the most difficult moments.

1. Economic and when it comes, a nightmare arises, horror on the stock exchanges. One currency rises, another falls, and an imbalance arises between production and sales. Just remember the Great Depression in the United States in the 30s of the twentieth century. How many people lost their jobs and found themselves behind the fence of enterprises. Hunger began, there was nothing to heat or cook with. In short, the situation was catastrophic.
2. Another crisis of concern is the arterial crisis. During a hypertensive crisis (as the condition is called in medicine), a person’s blood pressure rises greatly, disruptions in the functioning of the heart occur, and vasospasm develops. The result is a stroke, micro-stroke, heart attack. The condition quite often becomes fatal and the person dies.
3. There is a political crisis in which misunderstandings arise not only between heads of state, but also between countries.

But the average person is most worried about another, and perhaps the most vital crisis for him in family life.

Russian crises in numbers

Fall in GDP after the crisis

Source: Ministry of Finance

Gold and foreign exchange reserves before/after

Source: Central Bank of the Russian Federation

Consumer price index

Source: Rosstat

Capital outflow from the Russian Federation

Source: Central Bank of the Russian Federation

Ruble devaluation

Source: Official statistics\Central Bank of the Russian Federation

Of course, declines were observed in other areas as well. Traditionally, during major economic crises, the price of oil falls, so in 1994 it fell on the world market by 44%, and in 2008 by 72%, and in 2014 by 42%.

Working together with a partner on problems

Psychology says that systemic family problems are a serious obstacle to maintaining normal and healthy relationships. It arises in a measured manner, and spontaneous outbreaks of discontent in heavy layers are superimposed on each other. Only well-coordinated teamwork with a partner will help solve problems, eliminate disagreements, and restore passion and love.

In football there is a concept borrowed from the realities of married life - a game with one goal. It says that it is pointless to solve problems in a couple alone, since the balance of a partnership is the foundation of a happy life.

The following steps can be applied to work together:

1. Frank conversations. You can get rid of omissions only with the help of sincerity. Tell us about the painful issue, without missing a single detail.
2. Forbearance and acceptance. You must remember that people make mistakes. The partner may be angry, frivolous and upset. This is fine. The main thing is to accept shortcomings and let them go.
3. Change yourself without trying to change your partner. If you understand that certain character traits interfere with building a family, then get rid of them, but do not try to find and eradicate them in your partner, as this can have a detrimental effect on communication between you.

Characteristic manifestations

The following points may indicate that you are experiencing a family crisis.

1. The loved one has ceased to seem like that, begins to irritate, the relationship has been consumed by everyday life, the disappearance of common interests, interest in the partner.
2. Lack of desire for intimacy with your spouse.
3. Concerning any issue, disagreements arise, and this can lead to serious quarrels.
4. Reluctance to listen to the partner’s opinion, the need to contradict him, to point out the wrongness of his actions.
5. Coldness of emotions. A situation when a person does not want to talk, share his secret experiences.
6. Relationships that have become monotonous or regular scandals.
7. Reluctance to take your partner's needs for granted.
8. Switching to a raised tone during a scandal, shouting, as a manifestation of the weakness of the arguments of one of the partners.
9. Decision making by one spouse.
10. Lack of family roles. A situation where partners do not understand who is responsible for what in the family. It is often observed among newlyweds, causing families to collapse.

It's all in the details...

Every month the married couple gets one step closer to the moment of crisis. To recognize its approach, you need to have an idea about its “beacons”, which we often simply do not pay attention to.

• Stopping the development of relationships. At this moment, partners simply live their lives, slowly drifting on its waves.
• Sexual intercourse has practically ceased.
• The issues of raising children become insoluble; everyone follows their own pattern.
• Communication becomes rare.
• Resolving controversial issues through quarrels.
• One of the partners tries to win the leading position, not allowing the second to take part in resolving issues.
• Confusion in responsibilities. There are no clearly established boundaries.

Crisis of 1899–1903

The year 1899 marked the end of the rapid economic development of the Russian Empire and its entry into another crisis period.

At this time, the role of foreign capital, mainly French, in the country again increased, and shares of domestic companies began to sharply lose value. During this period, about three thousand small and medium-sized enterprises were closed. At the same time, large monopolists, on the contrary, strengthened their positions.

Although the peak period of this crisis can be considered completed in 1903, its consequences were finally overcome only in 1909.

How to overcome

Psychotherapy is the most effective way to deal with a family crisis

1. Try not to be offended by your partner. You need to understand that the resentment that lurks inside eats away at your soul. It is better to immediately express complaints to your significant other if you need to make a row, but not to cross the boundaries and resort to insults. After all, your words will be remembered by your partner for a long time.
2. Remember once and for all that it is unacceptable to wash dirty linen in public by talking about your problems, even if you want to share it with some close relative. What happens in your home should stay there.
3. Don't allow yourself to get personal. There is no need to insult your significant other, much less say nasty things towards relatives or friends of a loved one. If you want to express any complaints, then declare yourself, your feelings, what does not suit you, but do not say insults to the other person.
4. Try to avoid topics that could become a source of scandal. Just avoid them.
5. Do not forget that it is unacceptable for a loved one to wish harm. Remember that everything can come back a hundredfold.
6. Learn to be critical of yourself. Try to look at yourself from the outside or take the place of your partner, assess the situation through his eyes.
7. There is no need to throw out your anger and aggression on your loved one; it is better to put it on paper. You can keep a special diary in which you begin to indicate your emotions and feelings, what worries you. Just pour out your soul to get rid of accumulated stress.
8. Treat your partner with confidence, allow him to communicate with other people, you don’t need to keep him under control.
9. Give your loved one personal space. It is necessary to understand that everyone wants to be alone with their thoughts from time to time.
10. It is ideal when spouses have the same hobby and can spend their free time doing what they love. Then there will be a healthy climate in the family.
11. If any problems arise, you need to be able to analyze them and solve them in a timely manner, without delaying or letting the situation get worse.
12. If you feel like there are unresolved conflicts in your family that you can’t resolve on your own, you need to seek help from a professional. Thanks to family psychotherapy, it will be possible to improve the climate in the family.

Family psychology cannot in all cases explain how to get out of conflict situations in relationships with a partner. It is necessary to understand that different families can be equally happy, but unhappy in their own way.

Now you know how to overcome the crisis of family life. You need to realize that almost every family sooner or later faces serious problems and needs to overcome a certain barrier and improve relationships in order to move on with their lives. It is very important to be able to overcome the crisis, otherwise the matter will end in divorce.

Possible reasons

The birth of a child for which a man is not ready can lead to the development of a family crisis

1. Age crisis. A situation when one of the spouses experiences a breakdown, his values ​​change, and there is a need to change something in his life and family.
2. Changing the usual way of life, for example, having children.
3. Sudden job loss. It can negatively affect the atmosphere in the house, frequent scandals will arise that can end in divorce.
4. Lack of normal relations with the spouse's relatives. It is not uncommon for a young couple, after formalizing their relationship, to begin living with the parents of one of the spouses, and this leads to a conflict between different generations, which cannot pass without leaving a mark on the young family.
5. Changes in financial situation. The situation is especially acute when a woman begins to receive more money than a man. Then the latter begins to feel his inadequacy.
6. Changing of the living place. It can lead to the development of serious stress, which, without timely intervention, negatively affects the climate in the family.
7. Lack of equality between spouses. Examples of situations when a woman sits at home, raises children, and a man reproaches her for doing nothing, while he earns money. This means that she owes him everything, he supports her.
8. A chronic disease that is severe in one of your close relatives. One of the spouses is forced to care for the sick, and this does not lead to normal family relationships.
9. Lack of emotional connection. A situation when one of the partners cannot rejoice at the successes and good fortune of the other.
10. The birth of a handicapped child in a family. It is extremely rare that the appearance of such a child is not accompanied by conflicts, scandals and reproaches.
11. Early marriage. According to statistics, such families break up quite quickly.
12. Having a workaholic in the family. A situation where a husband or wife spends almost all their time at work and does not devote enough time to communicating with their partner and children.