In this article, psychologist Anna Evlitskaya answers the question “Why does a guy avoid communication after a breakup?”
There is probably no person in whose life there has not been at least one separation, when one of two close (until recently) people, with or without reason, suddenly or quite deliberately stopped meeting, communicating, or living together. The most common situation.
Why don't men know how to break up?
There is probably no person in whose life there has not been at least one separation, when one of two close (until recently) people, with or without reason, suddenly or quite deliberately stopped meeting, communicating, or living together. The most common situation. After some period of a rather nice relationship, the man suddenly disappears - he avoids meetings, ignores SMS and does not answer calls. Why don't men know how to break up? Is it really so difficult to tell a person to his face that the relationship is over? If you don’t meet, will she understand everything herself? Is it really possible that in memory of the relationship that existed between them (even if it was only a week), a man can’t just say, I’m sorry, but we’re not right for each other?! The vast majority of men find it painfully difficult to draw a line in a relationship in a civilized manner. Simply because it is difficult for them to understand the reasons for their decision.
Men can't break up. Well, an ordinary (one might say typical) man cannot invite a girl to a romantic dinner and after dessert honestly admit that everything went well for him. So he uses the hackneyed trick - he stops calling. Or he tries to create an environment in which the relationship itself comes to naught.
Another situation. The girl leaves. Perhaps, with varying degrees of delicacy, he even tries to make it softer, more painless. However, there is a strong point of view that ending a relationship is the privilege of the stronger sex. It is not difficult to understand all the negativity that arises in a man’s heart when this stereotype is violated. After all, separation is inevitably associated with a feeling of personal failure. These experiences so disrupt the established sense of comfort that men strive to radically resolve the situation. I want to tear, throw and hate. But the question is - who? Myself? Is it worth it? I already feel bad. Hatred and self-torture only make the situation worse. Her?
A nightmare mixture of love and hate can destroy any destiny. Rival? Do you believe that there must always be a rival? This is far from the most popular reason for a woman to leave. It would seem that the man simply has no other choice. Either despise yourself, or sulk at her, or curse the situation, or hate your opponent, who, as it turns out, does not always really exist. If you think primitively, then no matter what reason a man considers, in the end, he will blame the woman for everything. So an avalanche of dirt, obscenity, vulgarity and threats pours out on her in response. Or the other extreme - an endless stream of tearful calls mixed with assurances of love, requests to return and a vow to hang himself under the windows. A negative attitude towards a woman has a certain therapeutic effect on an abandoned man.
The love that caused all his problems is gradually being eradicated. But is this the best solution? If a woman initiated the breakup, is it worth being offended by her for this? Perhaps she left you because she had no other choice? Why don’t men know how to part beautifully, so that the girlfriend herself regrets the separation, and does not rejoice over the timely breakup? In modern consciousness, the opinion has become established that a modern man must be calm and self-confident, and all his actions are aimed at achieving a goal. It sounds like a paradox, but women are more attracted to men who know how to break up. Who behave like adults, mature people. Those who are able to speak openly about their feelings and perceive their opponent’s arguments.
Most women perceive such a man as a man who knows what he wants and where he is going, that is, as a real man. Of course, there are men, as well as women, who know how to break up. Everything largely depends on upbringing, on the character of the person himself, on how strong the feelings were. You can part with gratitude simply for the fact that a relationship with a once loved one was in your life, without experiencing any hatred, resentment, or anger. You should part with love. After all, parting is a certain outcome in the relationship of two, once mutually loving people.
A man's behavior after a breakup
Relationships are difficult, unless of course they are real relationships and not a fairy tale story. Therefore, sometimes feelings crack and breakups occur. What is the behavior of men after a breakup? Let's try to figure this out.
As paradoxical as it may sound, men are more similar to women emotionally than you think. It’s just that their emotions are less likely to come out and are more often stored inside. It is more difficult for a man to open up to another person (it is more difficult to admit his weakness), so outwardly they sometimes behave easier after a breakup. Let's look at several types of behavior.
The first type of behavior. Boomerang.
As they say, sometimes they come back. Men are generally incomprehensible creatures and sometimes after a breakup they continue to call and try to start a new relationship, without paying much attention to women’s disagreement, they continue to achieve. Moreover, sometimes this happens even after the breakup was initiated by him.
Second type of behavior. I don't need you, I easily found a replacement.
Third type of behavior. A magpie on its tail brought it.
As everyone knows, men are even bigger gossips than women. And if a woman is in the same social circle with her ex, then suddenly she may find out that someone is spreading dirty rumors. This someone, of course, is her ex, and I must say that this is very disgusting. In this case, it’s not just the fear of losing face as a man (although he’s not worthy of that name), but also petty revenge and dirty tricks. The person is simply trying to annoy and present himself as a victim. The fourth type of behavior. Respect and calm.
This is the case when, after breaking up, people suddenly realize that there was nothing in common between them in the relationship. Then the man behaves like a stranger, there are no calls, no gossip, no friendship, communication is reduced to a minimum. In this case, one can only regret that there was such a relationship, because they are very different people and nothing connected them in life.
Of course, these are not all types of behavior, because in fact, every breakup is unique. These are just general examples and generalities. Also, the reasons for breakups are not taken into account at all, and they also have a strong influence on a man’s behavior after a breakup.
So, how to remain just friends with a man?
How to do it?
Firstly, you need to make it clear to the man that what they want from him is friendship, and not something else.
That is, you need to talk to him and explain that he is only interested in him as a friend, and that he is not suitable as a future spouse.
Don't go into details, don't humiliate his manhood.
Suffice it to say that he's just not your type, for example. Say that you really appreciate his kindness, eloquence, etc.
Of course, there is a chance that after these words of yours the man will simply turn around and leave. This option is also possible. But there is a chance that he will agree with such a situation and really become a friend to you.
You will call back, communicate, perhaps go somewhere together, and such a relationship will be friendly. That is, there will be no hints of future life together and intimacy. This is where you make your position clear. At the same time, stop flirting with him, refrain from gestures that a man can interpret ambiguously. Don’t dress enticingly in front of him and try to behave more modestly around him.
That is, transfer the relationship to the category of friendship. Almost like a girlfriend, one might say, treat her.
Those men who don’t like the role of a friend will turn around and simply leave you. And you don’t have to take such an act personally. Because all people are different and you can’t keep absolutely everyone around you.
Therefore, if a man makes such a decision, then you should not condemn him for it. Some will stay by your side, some won't. And that's absolutely normal.
Friendship implies mutual spending time, mutual support. Of those men who agree to become your friends, it is unlikely that all of them will become friends in the full sense of the word.
Or do you want to be friends with absolutely every man you've ever crossed paths with? I don’t understand why you need this whole male harem? The fact that some men will leave forever is completely normal, so be it.
Therefore, I advise a woman in such a situation to simply talk to a man, explain the situation, and leave the choice to him. Whatever he decides, so it will be.
What to do if a guy says goodbye forever
According to statistics, only 15% of all married couples divorce by mutual consent. Often someone has no desire to break up at all. Usually this is a woman. However, it also happens that if a man says goodbye, he may return. Don't let your emotions get the better of you. You are now morally devastated and broken. You may become depressed. What actions should be taken if a man says goodbye? The opinion of psychologists will help you figure this out:
- Love and appreciate yourself!
Now you can say that the place in your soul that was occupied by a man has been vacated. Nature, as we know, does not tolerate emptiness, and we should think about how to fill it. This way you will avoid self-destruction, find yourself a new interesting activity, and, oddly enough, healthy selfishness will help with this.Think about the things that bring you joy: hobbies, interests. Buy a subscription to the pool, go to the theater, to an exhibition. Attend some developmental classes or courses.
If you used to live under the “wing” of a man, now is the time to get rid of infantilism. You need to look around and remember that there are people who need support and help from you. Take a break from the habit of feeling sorry for yourself, and by doing a good deed, you will again feel needed and strong.
How to start valuing yourself:
- Remember about the “former”
ones. They knock out a wedge with a wedge. Think about those members of the opposite sex whom you loved before. Probably, thoughts about them will make the image of your lover in front of your eyes fade. After all, there was a time when you suffered because of a breakup, and then forgot about it. Think about whether you will still worry about your ex in five years? Most likely no. - Be creative with breakups
Many women, in a fit of emotion, tear up photographs of their ex-partner, throw away his things, as well as everything that reminds him of him. This is, indeed, a very effective way to get rid of psychological dependence and free yourself from the influence of the past.
In psychology this is called “ritual”. It’s worth approaching it creatively: for example, don’t just tear up your photo together, but cut yourself out and paste it into a magazine with the man of your dreams. Make a beautiful collage, draw something nice there or write your wishes. You can complement it with a cozy house in which you would like to live with your new lover, desired gifts, and so on.
How men cope with breakups. Do men go through breakups?
Parting for any person is an unpleasant event, especially if it occurs on the initiative of another person, and men in this situation are no exception to the rule. They, just like women, worry and get upset, and can become depressed. According to psychologists, this happens to them even more often than to women.
Any strong feelings cause a person to experience a lot of worries and pain when they are associated with something negative. But because the stronger sex is more reserved, women are convinced that they don’t care. They know so little about what is happening in their souls that sometimes they do not understand that building a relationship with a man who has recently broken up with a woman is impossible or extremely difficult. After the collapse in his picture of the world, he needs to restore it, make changes, accept what happened, and only then will he return to normal life.
No attempts to convince him that women can be trusted, that what happened will not happen again, that he is loved more than anyone in the world, will not help until he himself realizes this and accepts that the separation does not characterize him in any way. His self-esteem has been seriously damaged, and until he restores the right attitude towards himself, he is easily capable of going to great lengths.
If the decision to separate comes from him, he can silently disappear, just so as not to retreat and not give in to pity. If from her, normal men will not give in to rage because of the pain caused and the resentment that has arisen. They will intuitively feel that they do not need to worry and suffer, blaming themselves or her and the whole world for their troubles, but will accept what happened, learn from the experience and take it into account.
Over time, they will understand that parting in no way characterizes them as a person, people are simply not always able to quickly meet those who suit them best. And later, having experienced unpleasant emotions, they will begin to build their personal life again.
Those who broke up due to betrayal will experience a real blow that can undermine their faith in the opposite sex for a long time. For them, this is a blow that gradually destroys their faith in their own masculine viability. It is difficult for them to restore this faith on their own, because the woman who strengthened it has now destroyed it. This often pushes the stronger sex onto the path of an eternal bachelor and one who constantly breaks the hearts of other women, as if trying to make them just as unhappy as themselves, so as not to feel worse. In addition, it allows them to get rid of the pain that has settled in their heart. They are plunged into grief, as if the whole world was focused not on them, not on other people, but on the one who acted so cruelly and cowardly. They are too ruthless towards themselves, destroying themselves with worries about the actions of another person, not understanding that these are her problems, her fault and she has to live with it.
But ruining your life because of what someone else has done is a habit of those people who believe that they are able to control everything and everyone in life and, accordingly, be responsible for everything that happens in it. This habit most often belongs to men, as the stronger sex, on whom everyone hopes and looks. That's why they experience breakups much harder than women. Their thinking and worldview obliges them to take responsibility, make decisions and not wait for someone else to do it for them.
How to behave in a relationship so that a man never says goodbye
The state of love, which makes the beginning of a relationship wonderful, usually ends sooner or later, so maintaining it becomes very difficult, especially when the romantic period passes. It is necessary to analyze your relationship from time to time and work on mistakes in order to prevent a breakup in the future. If a woman is wise enough, she will not forget about such things as:
- Appearance.
Don't relax. An old robe and curlers are not your option. Be as beautiful and well-groomed as during the “candy and bouquet” period. Try to become even more attractive. - Adoption.
Adults are not re-educated. Your man is who he is. Accept it along with its advantages and disadvantages. - Joy.
Don't make a sad face when your spouse comes home - show that you are glad to see him. Then he will rush to you, and not linger somewhere with friends. - Gratitude.
She must be sincere, and there is no need to hide her. Even if a man just screwed in a light bulb, don’t take it for granted, show that you appreciate his care and attention. Then he will want to please you constantly. - Delight.
A great motivating factor to make your lover want to become a better person. Admire his achievements, even not too significant ones, tell him how smart and strong he is, tell him what you like most about him. - Necessity.
Every person, especially if they are a representative of the stronger sex, wants to feel needed. If you don't show a man that you need him, then sooner or later he will say goodbye to you. There is no need to show him your independence; learn to ask for help from your loved one. - Freedom.
It is also very important when it comes to relationships. Don't forget that a man needs his own personal living space. You shouldn’t be outraged if from time to time he needs to be with friends, go fishing on the weekend, or just do his hobby alone. A person needs rest, including from others. If you show sufficient tact and respect in the matter of your partner’s personal freedom, then you will not have to suffer later because the man said “sorry” and “goodbye”.
Thank you for reading this article to the end.
Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy soul mates, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.
More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.
My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!
Correct behavior for a man after a breakup:
- Avoid meeting and communicating with her.
- Take care of yourself. Upgrade yourself.
- Get out of the house and socialize.
Avoid meeting and communicating with her.
Do you go to the same gym? Change it. Do you live nearby and visit the same store? Don't be lazy to go to another one. Dispose of it and its traces from your new life.
Remove it from all social networks and from your phone book. What if you need to call for some reason? There won't be any need!
Don't go to her pages and don't look at who she posts photos with. Spit. Stop following her life.
All. She's gone. There is you and YOUR life.
Take care of yourself.
Sport causes the release of happiness hormones. Physical activity is a great way to release negative emotions. A beautiful body will be a pleasant bonus for you.
Start taking care of yourself. And not from Monday, and not after the New Year. And now. Today. I stopped reading the article and went to look for the hall!
Another great way to please yourself is to go on vacation. Slender islanders wearing flower necklaces will definitely knock your ex out of your head.
A new hobby can energize you. Start doing what you have wanted for a long time, but have been putting off. This will help you distract yourself and please yourself, improve in what you want. Now you are free to do whatever you like. Now you have more time and every opportunity to achieve your goals.
