I can’t understand my ex-wife - 2 tips from psychologists, consultations

In this article, psychologist Evgenia Dvoretskaya answers the question “Why doesn’t the ex-wife want to communicate?”

Divorce always means stress, problems, quarrels, division of property and many other troubles for both the participants in the divorce process and their loved ones. This is what most people think, especially those who have gone through the copper pipes of this difficult task.

There are exceptions, but they can hardly be called happy, because the adjective happy

not suitable for such processes. That is, creating a family is a happy process, and its destruction cannot be happy by definition. Even if, as a result of divorce, people (at least one of the spouses) actually become happier and begin to live better.

He has developed three rules for himself that he adheres to when dealing with women - his ex-wives and his current girlfriend. And, honestly, if my ex behaved like this towards me, I would treat him much better and respect him more. These rules are not particularly secret. Many men I know say that, in general, this is elementary, but it would be difficult to control yourself and follow them for quite a long time. True, none of them have such a practice of divorces (successful ones at that) and there is no desire to communicate with ex-wives either.

1. Delicacy during divorce. Of course, if people decide to take such a step as divorce, it means that their disagreements, inconsistencies, and irritation with each other have reached a boiling point that exceeds the permissible limit. And it’s very difficult not to tell your spouse everything you think about her. And not to receive a retaliatory blow - she, too, has accumulated a lot of complaints. But it’s better to talk it out with friends. In the most severe cases - with psychologists. And it’s better to talk to your ex-other half when you both are able to calmly relate to each other, to other people’s (which have become so familiar and in some places even family) shortcomings and endless lists of claims and accusations. Especially if there are children. But their absence should not be a permissive reason for rudeness and humiliation of your spouse - after all, for some reason you fell in love with her? The eyes saw who was chosen. If, over the course of several years of marriage, the Princess turned into a witch, this is most likely a mutual fault.

3. Continue to pay attention to your wife. At least the minimum: congratulate her on her birthday or New Year, take care of a joint child or inquire about her child from another man, call, talk in a friendly way. Admit that you have never met such delicious geese with apples (arrows on trousers - whatever), care and understanding, or even ask for any favor or help. The female soul does not tolerate emptiness. There must be male attention - then it will be easier to spread your wings. An extra phone call is not a reason to assume that you are admitting defeat or are going to return. But after this, the woman will not tell nasty things about you to mutual friends and turn your children against you. The most difficult thing is to explain to your current woman why you communicate with your ex-wives: as a decent person, you cannot leave people with whom you have lived for many years in trouble. You communicate solely out of friendship. And you are not going to return at all, under any circumstances.

By the way, my colleague, who came up with these rules, was getting married again. And the ex-wife and her friend are also invited to the wedding.

68 people voted

“Maintain communication, at least minimally: congratulate her on her birthday or New Year, take care of a joint child or inquire about her child from another man, call, talk in a friendly way. Admit that you have never met such delicious geese with apples (arrows on trousers - whatever), care and understanding, or even ask for any favor or help. The female soul does not tolerate emptiness.”

. yeah, so that the ex-wife decides that all is not lost and continues to harbor illusions, or even better, moves on to active measures to return her, begins to come up with problems in which she needs help... and the current passion begins to tear out her hair. I have never read anything more stupid. dear men, do exactly this if you want to bring chaos into your life, humiliate the woman next to you and kill new relationships... communicate with your exes, it’s better if quietly...

I've never read more nonsense. This is not called a civilized divorce, but tugging at the cat’s sensitive places..

I immediately apologize for quoting in large chunks

Then you and your ex-wife will definitely not reconcile.

Is there any point in reconciliation? people often drift apart because community, togetherness and unity are lost.

There’s a lot that could be written and commented on in the same spirit, but I don’t think it’s worth it. all of the above IMHO. I can say from myself that they tried to maintain a relationship with only one of the “exes”. but both quickly realized that this did not make sense: they divorced due to the disappearance of “common”, they began to communicate when they both again found new chosen ones, at first all the interest came down to how someone was doing and comparing how it was with us (apparently a residual possessiveness manifested itself), we gradually tried to find topics “about the weather”, but this too quickly faded away due to a lack of sincere interest. In the end, I decided for myself that I was not interested in what was happening in the life of that person who remained in the past, and this applies not only to matters of the heart, but also simply to people with whom I stopped communicating.

When two people understand that they are comfortable and interesting together, they love each other and are ready to live their whole lives together, the couple goes to the registry office. Young people always find topics for communication and are able to find entertainment in spending time together. But gradually the topics end, the relationship is consumed by everyday life. And the husband begins to understand that his wife practically does not communicate with him. Why is this happening?

How realistic is it to get your ex-wife back?

Most women who have been married for some time, and especially with children, are very reluctant to break off the relationship. Surely, she was driven by serious reasons, circumstances that she endured for quite a long time.

Psychologists emphasize that divorce is always a consequence of the wrong behavior of both partners. And the first thing a man should understand is how high the chances of reunion are.

Statistics say that about 40% of women who left their husbands regret their decision. You can return it, this will be confirmed by the following facts:

your love story, which you won’t be able to forget right away;
a decision can be made on emotions, and they are known to be fickle;
common children, the connection with which no divorce can destroy;
financial support that she was accustomed to in marriage and which she will need later;
joint property, where every thing is dear to her, as a condition of comfort.

Even if she is driven by resentment, pain, disappointment, divorce will be painful for her almost as much as it is for you. This means that there is a chance to bring her back, all that remains is to analyze the situation and build a new strategy of behavior.

Why does my ex-husband not want to communicate and leaves the family?

You can talk for hours about the problems and psychological disorders that influenced the breakup. But the problem is always the same: both parties are always to blame for a breakup. Often, you marry one person and end up with someone completely different. Everyone is consumed by routine, no one wants to work on relationships, talk about problems, hoping that they will be solved on their own. The woman thinks that my husband will not leave me because I gave birth to his child. But children have never kept and will never keep a man in marriage.

The consequences of breaking such a relationship between a man and a woman:

After leaving, the man does not communicate with his ex-wife, but maintains contact with the child, for example through his parents. Thus, the man avoids responsibility to his ex-wife. He is afraid to look her in the eyes, admit his mistakes, talk about new relationships, and so on.
When leaving, the man stops maintaining contact with his children and ex-wife. Such problems are very often dealt with in court, since leaving the family does not relieve a man of responsibility for children. He is obliged to support and educate them.

Where to begin

First, give each other time for the emotions driving you both to recede into the background. Next, try to find the reasons; it’s good if you have a frank conversation with explanations. Be sure to rethink your behavior, life priorities and values; perhaps you took the wrong path, which led the marriage to ruin.

Find the reason for divorce

So, as mentioned earlier, divorce is always a consequence of the wrong behavior of both spouses. And if the reasons for the separation are not found, no matter how many times you get back together, the outcome will be just as disappointing. Think about why she decided to leave you, what prompted her to take such a serious step.

Psychologists identify the following common reasons:

abuse of bad habits;
moral, physical violence;
early marriage;
everyday difficulties;
systematic quarrels, disagreements;
mistrust, total jealousy;
financial instability.

Expert opinion

Elena Druzhnikova

Sexologist. Family relations expert. Family psychologist.

These are the reasons that most often motivate women to leave their families. You need to understand that women look at all things through the prism of emotions, which is why they are more prone to impulsive decisions. Even negative emotions, which systematically take her out of harmony, can become an impetus for leaving.

Rethink values

Getting your wife back is possible after you rethink your priorities, life position, and goals. Think about what motivates you to want to return your spouse - pride, fear of loneliness, a sense of possessiveness or habit. Understand that for any action the responsibility falls equally on your shoulders and hers.

Try to step back from the situation, put yourself in your wife's shoes to see the situation through her eyes. Give each other time to soberly assess what is happening. Perhaps, having calmed down, you will understand that this will be better for both of you. Or maybe, on the contrary, you will understand her motives and realize your mistakes. Ask yourself the question: is it worth trying to get her back?

Conspiracies and rituals to return your wife

If attempts to return his wife to the family are unsuccessful, a desperate man may resort to the use of special conspiracies and rituals, and this does not exclude the chance of a positive outcome.

With photo and ring

To perform this ceremony you will need a new ring, a photo with your wife, and a thin white candle. First of all, you need to sit in front of the candle and put a photo behind it. It is very important to focus on your own feelings, experiences and desire to return your wife.

Next you need to put the ring on the candle and light it, then say:

Married in the church, united forever! We will never know separation from (wife’s name), we will never be apart. Where should she go, where should I run after her, where should I stop, there should she find me. Our souls are united forever, they will never be separated, we will be together forever, we will never live without each other.

As soon as the candle burns out, take the hot ring and wrap it in a photograph of your wife, and hide the package itself in a safe place until you can restore your relationship with your wife.

With a lock

To perform this ritual, you need to cover the table with a tablecloth that does not have any designs or patterns. After this, place a mirror on it, and behind it place 3 small church candles, which will need to be lit immediately. The next step is to lean the wife’s photo against the mirror so that the front side of the photo looks at the husband through the mirror, and it is important that the eyes are clearly visible.

Take the key in your right hand and the padlock in your left and say the following words when opening it:

Just as no one will open the lock now, so now no one will separate us.

After performing this ritual, you need to go to bed without talking to anyone. When morning comes, the lock must be thrown into the river, and the key must be carried until the wife returns.

Love spell on sprouts

To perform this ritual, you need three types of beans: white, black and red. Soak one bean of each type in holy water and after it has sprouted, plant it in a beautiful pot in the bedroom.

Wait for the waxing moon and after midnight, lower the beans into the ground, while saying the following:

The earth is omnipotent, the grain will sprout. As the plant grows, so let mutual love awaken.

Cemetery love spell

A love spell in a cemetery can help bring your wife back to the family and restore the relationship. To perform this love spell you will need the following: candy, any clothes of your ex-wife, a church candle.

You should go to the cemetery and look for the grave of a woman with the same name as your ex-wife.

Light a candle at her burial site and say the following:

The deceased woman sleeps and dreams - not about the cold land, not about a barren life, not about a dry bone, but about (wife’s name), who left me, who abandoned me. Just as a deceased woman sleeps in a coffin, so does (wife’s name) miss me, just as a deceased woman feeds worms, so does (name) love me forever, just as a deceased woman cannot leave here, so does (wife’s name) never part with me. Let (wife’s name) come back to me, come to me, open her heart to me, let her not want to take a single step without me, never turn up outside the door, unless it’s my will, if I don’t say such words to her.

Collect a small amount of grave soil and wrap it in your wife’s clothes, and leave sweets at the grave for the farmer, then say:

I take (name) not for myself, so that she will love me, so that she will come back to me.

The lit candle should burn out completely, and the bundle of earth should be kept at home for ten days, after which you should go to the cemetery and bury it under a living tree.

What to do if

In many ways, your future actions will depend on the circumstances of your wife’s departure. To establish interaction, you need to know her new place of residence. Usually, after a divorce, a woman goes either to her parents or to a new place of residence. It also happens that she leaves for another man. In each case, it is important to think through tactics and further actions.

Are you trying to get rid of your shortcomings after a divorce?

Not really

Wife lives with parents

The best outcome for both of you would be a situation where the wife went to her parents. Firstly, you know its location. Secondly, you have some kind of relationship with her parents, you have already made an impression of yourself. Thirdly, adults will be able to help both of you establish further communication. For this it is important:

find a common language first with her parents, talk frankly, explain your desire to change the situation;
try to do without accusations or clarify the causes of the conflict, so as not to aggravate the situation;
show your best side as a father, because the child is the link between you and your wife;
start building communication by offering help in financial matters and educational matters;
change, eradicate everything that your wife did not tolerate in your behavior, let her see it;
Show respect for her decisions, for her parents, provide any help, support, let it be felt how useful you are.

Usually, for any woman, the opinion of her parents is very significant. Therefore, in a separate conversation with them, try to repent of your misdeeds and win their favor and trust. It is important not to make empty promises. Highlight what you are truly capable of doing and put yourself out there.

The ex-wife left for another man

Things will be much more complicated if the wife left with the child for another man. Here she will need to prove herself not only as a father, but also to look advantageous against the background of her new gentleman. Work on yourself will consist of several points:

Forgive your spouse . Realize whether you are ready to accept the fact that she is with someone else. Understand her, perhaps she was looking for conditions for a better life for herself and her child, because this is instinctive in women. Imagine that she returned and lives with you, are you ready to never accuse her of cheating? If yes, proceed further.
Change your appearance . For a woman, it is important what her companion looks like. Change your image, update your wardrobe, play sports. Let her see who she has lost.
Get ready to win . Only by believing in yourself, without breaking down from trials and refusals, will you win her respect and reach your goal. Be prepared for the fact that she will “dynamic” you for some time. And remember that unsuccessful attempts must be accepted with dignity.
Be direct about your intentions. Let her know about your intentions to do everything to get her back. State what you have to offer her. Promise a new format of relationships, stability, change in yourself. And the final word will be hers.
Show yourself as a father. Provide financial assistance and participate in raising the child. Help her in any little way, let her see that only the father can take care of the child to such an extent. This is very attractive to women.

Why does a man ignore the woman he likes?

In fact, you don't have to read this article. If there is a man who is avoiding you, then it is easier for you to ask him than to search the Internet and look for answers to this question. After all, the reason may be completely non-standard. Maybe he's gay, and you just thought he liked you. But if you are sure that you will find the answer here, well, I will give you some hints.

A man may ignore a woman he likes because he is afraid things will go too far. What I mean? Each of us has our own experience in our personal lives. And almost every person, regardless of gender, has their own negative experience in this regard. A man fell in love with girls many times, but they only used him for their own purposes and then abandoned him. If a man was very worried and suffered because of this, then soon he will be afraid to enter into a relationship with anyone. He will think that history will repeat itself again, and he does not want to suffer and worry about this. So he ignores the woman he likes.

Man is designed in such a way that he always strives for happiness and always avoids pain. If a relationship is a pain for a man, he will accordingly avoid it. I hope this idea is clear to you.

A man may ignore a woman he likes because he is simply afraid to talk to her. When we have any feelings for a person, it becomes more difficult for us to communicate with him. There is always excitement and trembling when the person we like is nearby. A man is simply afraid to experience discomfort. He understands that he will now begin to act stupid in front of her.

Hence the third reason why a man ignores the woman he likes: he is afraid that she will reject him. Perhaps he does not want to communicate with her as with a friend or acquaintance. He wants to be in a relationship with her, but is afraid to tell her about it. I myself recently had to talk to a girl I like about this topic. It was May 1, 2020, that is, the day before yesterday.

I know that she knows that I like her, but for some reason she doesn’t reciprocate. I called in the evening and just started asking questions directly to her forehead. I was scared to take such a step, but I received answers and calmed down. The reason for this behavior was not only that she did not need anything from me, but also that she did not want to be obliged. Relationships come with certain responsibilities.

So, a man can also understand this, which is why he ignores the woman he likes. He understands that she will definitely reciprocate his sympathy, but he looks further: if a relationship begins, it will impose obligations and restrictions on him. It’s easier for him to be alone and not beholden to anyone. It's easier to live that way, isn't it?

Another reason is a simple resentment towards the woman he likes. Perhaps she flirts with other guys in front of him. Well, who will like it? I, too, would be offended if I saw my passion openly flirting with other guys. I would start ignoring her too, and that would be fair. Think about this moment.

Sometimes a guy ignores a woman because he thinks that he has no chance with her anyway, because she is too good for him. Or he was rejected many times by the girls he liked, that is, again a negative experience prevents rapprochement. You can understand him in this.

Or the guy is simply not ready, because sometimes it takes time to gather all his will into a fist and finally speak. Fear always prevents a guy from approaching first. Girls are well aware that it is difficult for men to do approaches. Yes, we are really scared of being rejected, and we need time to prepare for such a possible event. The day before yesterday I also had to psychologically prepare for a frank conversation with the girl I like.

Some men always avoid female attention because they are afraid of losing their freedom. There are guys who are freedom-loving. They don’t want to start a family, have children, bear responsibility, and so on. Why do they need such a burden? So they don’t want to get involved, so they avoid women they like.

Perhaps you thought that he liked you. There was such a thing in my life when a girl thought that I was not indifferent to her, and decided that it was time for us to move on, that is, move to a new stage in the relationship. I knew that sooner or later she would take this step, and, of course, when she texted me, I explained to her that I didn’t need anything from her. She was seriously angry, she thought that I would write to her anyway. But I didn’t write to her and we haven’t seen each other since then. I personally don’t care how it was and how it remains.

For modern youth, a fairly common situation is when a man is attracted to a woman, and he carefully ignores her, hiding his feelings towards her. A representative of the stronger sex is trying to avoid meeting his beloved and does not want to communicate with her. The behavior is quite strange, but still, why does a man ignore the woman he likes?

How to take the first step correctly

Bringing your wife back is not so easy; the hardest thing is to take the first step towards reconciliation. Start acting after a while (1-2 months) so that there are no negative emotions between you. What you can do as a first step:

arrange a friendly meeting, if there is a refusal, give as an argument the desire to talk about the child;
when you meet, give a gift to both your child and your wife as an apology, verbally express your repentance and desire to improve;
provide your wife with all possible help, offer to take the child to kindergarten/school/clubs;
show all your external and internal changes, for example, get a more promising job if she previously complained about a lack of money, eliminate bad habits, change your image, inadvertently mention everything positive in a conversation;
take the brunt of the guilt on yourself, ask for forgiveness from both your wife and child for allowing this state of affairs to happen, but do not humiliate yourself, show that you value them;
develop a new relationship policy, invite your wife to a meeting in the places where your relationship arose in the past, remember the best events more often.

Try to bring into reality everything that she would like to receive from you. Surely you know about her dreams. Do them, it will melt the ice on your heart. Be prepared for the fact that she will not immediately warm up to you, do not fold your arms.

Who had the dream?

The interpretation of a dream may vary depending on who had the dream: a man or a woman. For a more accurate answer to the dream, let’s look at each one individually.

To a woman

For a woman, talking in a dream promises gossip, empty talk and useless advice. A conversation with a husband or boyfriend means that in reality the man has complaints and misunderstandings towards her. A conversation between a woman and her mother promises a prosperous and harmonious family life.

A dialogue with an unfamiliar man indicates that in reality the woman is not satisfied with communication with her partner. For a married woman, talking about children means readiness to become a mother in reality and pregnancy. A conversation about a wedding means meeting a person who will become a good husband.

To a man

For men, a conversation with a woman is associated with troubles and the jealous attitude of the chosen one. A conversation about children is a sign of minor problems that will be related to work. Talk about weddings and celebrations foreshadows futile worries.

Communication with a former lover suggests that you are tormented by the past.

How to win the attention of your ex-wife

The dissolution of a relationship is usually accompanied by partners' disappointment in each other. If your spouse is the initiator, you will have to make a lot of effort to win her attention again. If you know the reason for her departure, do everything to eradicate it. This will pleasantly surprise a woman.

Show dramatic changes in your worldview. If she left because of laziness, sign up for a gym, change your job, be active . If you divorce due to alcoholism, get coded. If you have previously failed to establish a relationship with her parents, do everything to become a friend to them.

Remember with what actions you were able to win her initially even before marriage. Take action by inviting her to meetings. The further things go, the more romance and pleasant surprises you can bring into your dates. Try to arouse her interest in your person; to do this, improve yourself.

How to get him to meet you?

It has already been said about why a man ignores the woman he likes. If this is caused by fear, fear of rejection or lack of self-confidence, then he needs to be pushed to take the first step

You should pay attention to who the man is communicating with; most likely, he has a friend or acquaintance. You need to ask him to tell the man that his feelings are not unrequited;
You need to get to know him yourself, but in such a way that he is sure that he is the initiator. For example, you can sit down at his table and smile sweetly, he will have no choice, and he will be the first to start a conversation;
A man likes to think that he is strong and smart; you need to remind him of this more often, asking him to carry a heavy bag, rearrange the house, or fix a breakdown in the car.

When a man stops ignoring a woman and begins to show feelings, it is important not to relax

, otherwise, he will lose interest again. Continue to interest a man and you will achieve the desired result!

How to convince your wife of sincerity

You can regain her trust only if your spouse believes in your sincerity. To do this, it is not enough to say big words; try to back them up with demonstrable actions. Here are some valuable recommendations:

do not be too passive, that is, do not take on any mistakes, do not agree with everything she says, it will look like fawning;
do not put pressure with your persistence, so that she does not have the feeling that you are pursuing her, intruding into personal boundaries;
do not focus on the fact that you are the breadwinner of the family, and your wife and child will not cope without you; on the contrary, show your readiness to help financially no matter the outcome;
do not give too much as a gift, refuse valuable things, otherwise she will consider the actions as an intention to bribe her;
do not manipulate the child, if at first it will help to establish communication, then carry out parental responsibilities conscientiously.

Another important rule of trusting relationships is frank conversations. Try to gradually increase the dose of communication, but do not pursue it, do not impose. Communicate calmly, without accusations or reproaches, be honest in any matters.

Psychologist's answer:

You write an SMS to your ex-wife because you are lonely, you feel depressed, deep down you believe that she has a “debt” to you, and you deserve to “repay” it if, for example, you need support, participation, communication. But you went further: you began to consider ignoring her as a betrayal. Of course, all these expectations are perfectly covered up by her betrayal in the past, a fact that you can say has practically been recorded. All this is supplemented by her weak attempts to justify herself in connection with the betrayal. Thus, you have a “full set” of insults and demands to receive “strokes” from her. Marriage is a union of people who are free in their feelings. Love and affection can end. There is no premeditation in this, there is no betrayal specifically in relation to the spouse. If the relationship is in the past, as well as the feelings of connectedness and relatedness, this is normal, it must be recognized and accepted. And move on with your life. But you are still there. You live in that time. You are not here now.

Advice from psychologists

A psychologist will be your most faithful assistant in matters of interpersonal relationships, marriage, and family. Not every man can afford to consult a good specialist. Therefore, we suggest that you familiarize yourself with several important information here. How to get your ex-wife back after a divorce with a child: advice from a psychologist:

analyze your actions to radically change your behavior;
establish partnerships based on equality;
learn self-control and balance in any situation;
do not make hasty promises until you are convinced of the reality of their fulfillment;
do not make too broad gestures, otherwise she will doubt your sincerity;
be guided by feelings, as women are receptive to emotional connections;
discover a new person with improved qualities;
become interesting, irreplaceable support, support for your wife;
improve relations with her relatives so that they are on your side;
show your best side as a father.

Have you sought advice from qualified psychologists?

Not really

Don't stop caring for your wife even if she gives you a chance. Remember that for a long time you will be, as it were, on a “probationary period”. Secure all the positive changes, let them not be a temporary “action”.

Mistakes that men make

There are several typical mistakes that men most often make in the struggle to get their family and wife back. If you don’t want to encounter them, psychologists are ready to identify the most common ones:

Complaisant behavior . A man begins to agree with his wife on everything, just to please her. Sooner or later she will begin to be annoyed by this behavior. It is important to find a middle ground here.
Cold logic . Don't lecture your wife about where she went wrong. Don't be too boring. On the contrary, bring humor, ease and romance into communication.
Broad gestures . The wife left, and the husband began to shower her with diamonds, furs, and cars. Naively believing that this will bribe her, he further reduces the likelihood of her returning. Better pay child support, improve yourself, do good deeds, but love cannot be bought.
Inattention to appearance . The idea that appearance is important only to women is actually wrong. A neat, neat, stylishly dressed man can be attractive. Show her who she lost, make her interested in you again.
Advice from third parties . Surely, after the news of the separation, many relatives and friends will dissuade you from restoring relations with your spouse. Or, on the contrary, they will bombard you with practical advice. But try to stick to your opinion, because no one knows the way to her heart so well except you.

Typical mistakes women make due to jealousy

It is difficult to avoid wrong steps when emotions overwhelm you.

We will try to highlight the most common mistakes of new wives (and at the same time ways to avoid them):

total financial control . There is no escape from financial assistance for children. This is your spouse's responsibility. Men are great sybarites and are not inclined to offend themselves. Of course, if the former family “eats up” most of the income, then it’s time to sit down at the negotiating table;
nasty things about your ex . This is taboo. By insulting this woman, you are casting a shadow on your husband: after all, at one time he chose her. Their past is not your problem;
jealousy towards children . Try to convince yourself that by establishing a good relationship with your husband’s children, you will only strengthen the position of your family.