How to get rid of remorse over a divorce or still stay in the family?

0 1764 February 17, 2020 at 03:36 Author of the publication: Yana Parshina, sales manager

Someone can lie without a twinge of conscience, do mean things, but here - you made a mistake once and you no longer know how to get rid of the feeling of guilt.

You are a man of conscience who will never go against it. Moreover, you cannot ignore injustice. And if you are forced to go through with it because you are unable to change anything, it makes you feel bad.

An obsessive feeling of guilt lives inside you, and you don’t know what to do with it. No matter what happens, no matter what your fault, you cannot turn back time and do everything differently. And if nothing can be returned, does this mean that you are doomed to be eternally torn apart by remorse, which you seem to have much more teeth than other people?

Thoughts about this plunge me into the abyss of hopelessness. You cannot fully enjoy life and move forward without understanding the psychology of guilt.

In this article we will look at the mechanism of guilt and learn how to level out our condition with the help of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. This knowledge about the human psyche allows us to see the reasons for what happens to us so clearly, as if under a microscope. Everything that prevents us from living - fear, envy, resentment, guilt, depression and much more - are unwanted manifestations of the properties of our psyche - vectors. Having learned to understand the structure of each of our vectors, we gain the opportunity to change our states for the better and cease to be helpless.

Why do remorse arise?

If you commit some act that contradicts your life principles, or say something that you shouldn’t, after that you will be tormented by thoughts and tormented by doubts. Such experiences are a sign that you are a conscientious, correct, unselfish person. What situations can cause us such torment?

• Ignoring requests and instructions related to professional activities.
• Inappropriate behavior while intoxicated during some kind of drinking session, for example, a corporate party.
• Your statements, for example, you offended someone in your hearts or said too much - something that should have remained a secret.
• Committing some actions that contradict your moral principles. For example, you didn’t come to the office on the weekend, although you should have, and now you’re afraid that your boss will find out about it.
• Secrets and secrets from loved ones - parents or husband.
• Events leading to tragic consequences (illness, death).

The list goes on and on. Everyone has their own threshold of conscientiousness. Someone may even suffer because of a friend’s soiled blouse, while others will complain about their colleagues to their superiors and will be absolutely calm.

How to get rid of remorse?

For whatever reason you are tormented by anxiety, you need to try to get rid of it in order to protect your nervous system. There are several rules for this.

1. Don't panic and don't consider yourself a bad person. Yes, you did something that goes against the norms and your principles. But this is not a reason to brand yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Accept it, maybe it's not so scary.
2. Don't keep everything to yourself. Dwelling on this situation and constantly having negative thoughts can have a detrimental effect on your mental state.
3. Analyze the situation fully. Answer yourself the question: “Why did I say (do) this?” Assess the degree of consequences for what was done (said). Perhaps everyone has already forgotten about your trick, and you are still biting yourself for it.
4. If you did make a mistake, but nothing serious happened because of it, forget about it as quickly as possible and distract yourself with something positive.
5. There is nothing better than taking action. Apologize and talk to someone who may have been harmed by your words or actions. Perhaps an apology won’t do the trick, and you need to make an effort and take some action.
6. If you have hidden something and cannot remain silent at all, admit it and sincerely repent. By cleansing your soul, you can forgive yourself.
7. If we are talking about something really serious, for example, in your opinion, it was you who caused the illness or death of a person, then the above methods may not bring the desired result. In this case, it is better to seek help from a psychologist.

Don't regret what you did and don't torment yourself. Know how to let go of bad thoughts in time and admit your mistakes.

Remember that strange moment when something seems to be pressing from within, crushing your consciousness with thoughts that the situation can no longer be corrected, everything has already been done. This is often followed by prolonged depression. What do you think this is? We are talking about pangs of conscience or, as they also say, feelings of guilt.

Here it doesn’t matter at all whether a particular person is guilty of the current unpleasant situation, and what are the true reasons for the depressing state. Human psychology plays an important role; self-deprecation is actually the most dangerous activity for the psyche. A long-term and persistent feeling of guilt causes great discomfort, both to the owner of this condition and to those around him. Today we will talk about the reasons for the appearance of pangs of conscience and how to put an end to them.

Today we can identify plenty of reasons why the human psyche may experience pangs of conscience. Most of them may not be conscious to us. But be that as it may, they all have a psychological springboard. Let's highlight the most common situations.

Inconsistency with society

There is a certain category of people who do not fit in with the expectations of others. As a rule, the roots of this problem were sown in childhood, and the main culprits are parents, loved ones, and relatives. Phrases like: “You got a D in math? How is this possible, I thought you were smarter,” “Look, your sister only gets straight A’s from school,” give rise to the problem of guilt. Subsequently, when a person commits an action that does not meet the expectations of his parents, he will be torn apart for a long time by a feeling of his own wrongness and guilt.

Guilt equals debt

This phenomenon is quite common and occurs due to the desire to express gratitude for anything. It could be a warm attitude from someone, a happy childhood, a great service, etc. Pangs of conscience arise because a person’s demands on himself do not correspond to his essence. For example, if you pay with the same “coin” for a great service, there is no opportunity and resources.

Guilt in relationships

The reason mainly lies in self-doubt; a person experiences a panicky fear of being alone, of being abandoned. Here is a simple everyday example. The wife comes home and suddenly notices that she forgot to buy bread. And my husband eats all his meals with bread; today’s dinner is very fatty, and he can’t do without bread. The husband asks if his wife bought bread. Realizing that she forgot, and the stores are already closed, the wife begins to engage in self-flagellation: “He will now get angry, refuse to eat and be hungry, decide that I am a bad housewife, and leave me.”

There are hundreds of such examples. Any person is at risk of being hooked by remorse. In modern psychology there is even the concept of manipulation of guilt. This is a certain type of psychological terror that scammers actively use. To get benefits, they force a person to remember their wrong actions in the past and awaken a feeling of guilt in them.

Guilt. How to get rid of guilt

Each of the above cases in the future can lead to chronic pangs of conscience, and make life simply unbearable. Therefore, whether you want it or not, it is important to know what methods you can use to combat feelings of guilt.

How to get rid of guilt - psychology

To get rid of feelings of guilt, you need to do everything to align this conditional line of justice in your feelings. For example, ask for forgiveness or, if everything is much more serious, do everything to correct the situation, or make up for the damage.

Example 1:

... It was raining that evening, visibility on the road was very poor. Something flashed in front of the hood of the car, an instant blow, a squeal of brakes... A man was lying in front of the car. Covered in blood. The pulse was palpable, but the blow was hardly compatible with life.

The injured pedestrian lay in a coma for about three months. All this time the driver (let's call him Victor) was next to him. He sold all his property, he was fired from his job (he held a senior position in the civil service), and his wife left him. But he only asked a higher power for one thing, sitting by his hospital bed - for the injured pedestrian to survive. Not because he was afraid of imprisonment - he did not want to be the reason for the death of a person.

And one day, a pedestrian who was hit came out of a coma. Victor helped him throughout the rehabilitation period. This driver and pedestrian are still in contact and have a great relationship.

How did Victor deal with guilt? He did everything possible and impossible to atone for his guilt, he straightened the line of justice. His story inspires respect among all his acquaintances. Does the downed passenger hold a grudge against him? Of course not. Unless his own mother would have cared for him as much as the man who hit him with a car.

No matter what mistakes we make, guilt can be a reason for good deeds.

Even if a person’s life and health cannot be returned, you can help his family or other people who are in trouble. Devote ourselves to saving lives, volunteering, or other activities that help straighten the line of justice in our senses.

Inappropriate feelings of guilt - how to get rid of them

It happens that you did nothing wrong, but the feeling of guilt does not allow you to live in peace. For example, when you meet a stray kitten on the street, you feel remorse because you cannot take it home (you have already adopted two, but your loved ones will definitely not agree to a third). And then you live with a feeling of guilt in front of this and other kittens, and maybe even people who were not able to help.

Such heightened perception gives us a set of visual and anal vectors in our psyche.

• Briefly about the reasons:

  The visual vector makes us over-emotional, but, of course, not so that we suffer. A person with a visual vector is able to truly love, empathize with all his heart, and convey emotions in art. So much so that another person, listening to a song or reading a book, would cry. So that his idea of ​​life, of love, of relationships changes. So that humanity can distinguish between good and evil.

  And if we, possessing this hyper-emotionality, do not implement it constructively, we will still experience strong emotions, this is how our nature works. We are unconsciously drawn to experience acute, strong emotions. Even if this is an unfounded feeling of guilt in an anal-visual person.

Example 2:

Nastya has been suffering from guilt for years, blaming herself for the death of her relatives.

That day they were going to visit her family, and she was not at all in the mood to receive guests. Frankly speaking, she didn’t want them to come to her at all.

Having learned about the accident in which the whole family died, Nastya blamed herself for this tragedy, believing that her thought materialized into this terrible tragedy.

An endless number of times her loved ones told her that this whole story was a monstrous coincidence, it did not help one bit. Years have passed, and the feeling of guilt still creeps in from time to time, causing enormous suffering. At such moments, Nastya cries, expects retribution in the form of God's punishment with horror, and hates herself.

This behavioral scenario is an example of how an anal-visual person unconsciously rocks himself with the help of emotions, without even knowing the reasons for his condition.

It is important to know:

Having an anal-visual ligament, we can suffer not only from groundless feelings of guilt, but also from fears, phobias, etc. By understanding the mechanism that causes us to experience emotions, we begin to become more conscious of our lives and learn to act in such a way as to experience strong positive emotions instead of negative ones.

It is important to understand that if the cause of the feeling of guilt is our destructive behavior, we need to change the behavior, and not get rid of the feeling of guilt.

We struggle with the pangs of conscience on our own

Psychological science justifies any feeling of guilt that arises by the fact that every person tends to make mistakes during his life, and it is by no means worth reproaching oneself for what happened. We are all living for the first time, and there is no need to waste time on every little thing. So, if a feeling of guilt is very firmly ingrained in your mind, we recommend following the following rules:

No "overthinking"

Stop scolding yourself for what has already happened, don’t beat yourself up, you’ll only make it worse. Firstly, it will no longer be possible to scroll back time, and secondly, constant anxiety and tension will definitely affect your health. Try to look at the problem differently, as if you are not a participant, but just a spectator. Describe it on a blank piece of paper in great detail, read it, throw it into the fire and throw the ashes to the wind. In practice, such sessions often make a person feel better.

Pangs of conscience - how to get rid of them?

Forgiveness

The second step towards getting rid of guilt will be forgiveness, forgiveness to those whom you harmed with your action. If it is difficult to meet with this object, it will be enough to write a letter, call and say the following phrase: “I apologize, I promise that I will not allow this to happen again in the future.”

Analysis

The next step is to analyze the situation in which the harmful act was committed. It is important to learn a useful lesson from it, to understand the reason, how this situation actually affected your life. Don't stop promising yourself that such mistakes will no longer occur in your life.

A piece of goodness

Everyone knows that good deeds atone for any guilt. Perform some good deed in order to minimize the influence of conscience on your consciousness. It doesn’t matter which way of showing goodness you choose, the main thing is that the perfect action “lights the candle” of deep satisfaction. For example, you can donate money to charity and help those who need it. However, it is not necessary to associate positive actions with money; you can do something good without it.

A way to get distracted

Well, the last step is the need to distract yourself from the story that gave rise to the feeling of guilt. You should devote more time to your hobbies and interests, for example, take up sports seriously; it will not allow your head to be cluttered with negative thoughts.

Conclusion:

In most cases, it is not possible to put an end to pangs of conscience right away, so you should be patient in advance. If, after applying all of the above methods in practice, no result was achieved, then there is only one option left - to visit an experienced psychotherapist. It is possible that the problem was formed through a person’s incorrect perception of life, and as a result, you first need to put things in order in your own head. There are cases where a conversation with a priest was an effective medicine. Always remember that a person should experience harmony first of all with himself and others. The feeling of guilt is precisely the opposite of this desire.

Dear friends! We understand that remorse is familiar to everyone, and we are very glad that you want to deal with this issue. After all, remorse can be our friend, but there can also be an invisible enemy that belittles your value and dignity. When you feel that you are haunted by remorse, learn to recognize whether you are dealing with a friend or an enemy. What is really happening - do you feel real repentance for sins or spiritual turmoil caused by an internal enemy? We hope that our material will be at least a little useful to you.

What is true remorse? – this concept puts the focus on true guilt, which represents sin against God. Remorse, like a true sense of guilt, is a consequence of sin. Let us remember that in the beginning God created man and woman in His image and likeness. This means that we must reflect the personality of God in everything we do. Guilt accompanies any action that distorts the truth about God. Such actions are an insult to God and a sin in His eyes. We are all tormented by our conscience when we are guilty. The Bible definitely tells us that each of us is responsible for our behavior and will give an account for it to God. “If anyone sins and does anything against the commandments of the Lord, which he should not have done, and through ignorance he becomes guilty and bears the sin” (Lev. 5:17). “…each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Rom. 14:12). “Therefore whoever eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of the Body and Blood of the Lord” (1 Cor 11:27).

We are all sinners and therefore none of us humans are able to redeem either ourselves or anyone else. And it was necessary for the Son of God, Jesus Christ, to come to earth, live among us, sacrifice Himself for all people in order to reconcile us with God. Dear friends, God not only forgave you, He took away your sin. “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our iniquities from us” (Ps 102:12). Think about it - could east and west ever meet? Or there are other words in Jer. 31:34 ...- “And they will no longer teach one another, brother to brother, and say, “Know the Lord,” for they will all know Me, from the least of them to the greatest, says the Lord, because I will forgive their iniquity and their sins. I won’t remember it anymore.” And more about this in Hebrews 8:12 - “...for I will be merciful to their iniquities, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.” How often do we not forgive ourselves, and torment ourselves for years for something for which we have long since received forgiveness from God?! What happens to us in this case? – There is such a thing as false guilt. What it is? — A false sense of guilt is based on condemning ourselves for not living up to our own or someone else’s expectations. But we need to figure it out - what were these expectations? Often they are completely unfounded! Sometimes the false sense of false guilt occurs when you blame yourself even though you have done nothing wrong, or when you continue to blame yourself even after you have confessed and repented of your sin to God and God has forgiven you. Even confession does not always free you from feelings of guilt. Rev. 12:10 says that Satan slanderes Christians and loves to burden believers with false guilt and self-condemnation. One of his favorite moves is to bring back our past, remind us of our failures and make you feel uninvited and unaccepted by God.

Many people believe that remorse and shame are the same thing, but they are not. Having experienced remorse for what you have done, you begin to be ashamed of yourself, that is, you experience a feeling of shame. This constant feeling of one's own imperfection causes a strong feeling of one's unworthiness and a constant fear of rejection and abandonment. Deep traces of shame often remain in the soul for life. Shame creates an internal need to control one's emotions and behavior; creates inner loneliness, which contributes to unhealthy attachments. If you live with the fear of rejection, loneliness, or worthlessness, you will eventually become a fear-ridden person. You may wear the clothes of personal success, but the deep-seated fear of being exposed as “needy” creates a desire to hide your true self from people. This reduces the capacity for love and intimacy in relationships with people. It becomes difficult for us to express our feelings, empathize with others, face failure, accept criticism, be alone, make decisions and take responsibility... Let us remember the words of Scripture - “God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him . There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because in fear there is torment; He who fears is not perfect in love" (1 John 4:16, 18). And the words of the Lord, recorded by the prophet Isaiah - “Do not be afraid, for I am with you; do not be troubled, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, and help you, and uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness” (Isaiah 41:10).

When you feel shame for a bad act, the fear of rejection rises to the surface, and anger becomes the simplest weapon against the person who exposes you - “Be angry, do not sin; ponder in your hearts, on your beds, and be quiet” (Ps. 4:5). If we took a break, spent this time in reflection, examining our hearts and turning to the Lord for help, there would be no distortions in our attitude towards ourselves and towards the people around us. Most people do not understand how destructive a false sense of guilt can be in relationships between people.

“How to respond to false remorse?” — When you once again begin to replay old sins in your head that you have repented of, understand that these are the machinations of Satan, who wants to plunge you into despondency. Ask yourself, “What am I hearing?” - (And if you are replaying old sins in your mind, you hear an accusation!) “What do I feel?” (It is natural that in this case you most often feel remorse.) And the most important question!!! Don't forget about him!!! - “Where is the truth?” (And the truth is, you are completely forgiven!!!) And of course, always use Scripture as your guide. Since you have accepted Christ as your Savior and the Savior died to atone for your sin, try to focus on God's truth: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit” (Rom 8:1 ). Another tip is to include this verse in your prayer. Unlike Satan, who makes false accusations, the Holy Spirit never accuses true Christians. As a conscientious Father, God sometimes allows us to experience the consequences of sins so that we change. (Read Hebrews 12:4–11.) But He creates in your heart a desire to do His will. (Philippians 2:13) “For God is at work in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.”

So, there are two types of guilt: one is a friend who speaks the truth and gently leads you to repentance and forgiveness. And the other is a secret enemy who mocks and condemns a person, causing him shame and a feeling of humiliation. The Apostle Peter warns us that we must not allow Satan to deceive us - “Be sober and watchful, for your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Pet 5:8). The Bible says that Satan is a slanderer and a deceiver... Therefore, it is important for us to clearly understand what the specific differences between true guilt and false guilt are. This will help us see when we are torturing ourselves in vain... True guilt is based on facts and leads to repentance, acceptance of forgiveness and reconciliation with God and people. “And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” (John 8:32). False guilt is based on feelings and leads to a purely worldly fear of bad consequences. Fills a person with self-pity, leads to depression and leads to alienation from God and other people.

“If, when I sin, I should feel remorse, why do I feel happy at the same time (when I sin)?” — Scripture does not say that sin is unattractive. The charm and beauty of sin lies in the fact that it really promises happiness. If sin were uninteresting, unattractive, who would sin? But the Bible warns that the pleasure that sin brings is fleeting - “The joy of the wicked is short-lived, and the joy of the hypocrite is momentary...” (Job 20:5). Very often this feeling of happiness ends in severe remorse and severe depression...

Because false guilt can go undetected throughout life, few people see it as a “criminal” that harms relationships and destroys intimacy.

“How will I know what sins are hidden in the depths of my soul if I don’t even realize where the truth is?” “You can ask your friends, restrain your natural desire to protect yourself, and listen to the truth that God will reveal to you.” Trust God. He knows the secrets of your heart and will reveal them to those who sincerely seek the truth. His voice will be loving and soft, encouraging and reassuring. “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He, being faithful and righteous, will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:8-9).

No feeling penetrates as deeply into the soul as guilt, but it is the most difficult to detect and understand. We have already said that a person can feel guilty without guilt. Remember? - feeling of false guilt. If you feel guilty, this does not mean that you have disobeyed God or violated His moral laws. True guilt is the result of honest self-knowledge and the disclosure of secret transgressions and sins for which you are responsible before God. “Who can see his own mistakes? Cleanse me from my hidden secrets, and restrain Your servant from my secret plots, so that they do not dominate me” (Ps 19:13-14). That's why we need to undertake spiritual research... How to do this? —Ask yourself: “Do I have unrepentant sin?” – if you have discovered such a sin, repent of it before God and the person you sinned against (if possible). Ask God to forgive you and turn from your sin... To do this, ask God to give you the power of the Holy Spirit so that you will not commit such a sin in the future. Understand, friends, the Lord can use your guilt for positive purposes to bring you into the light of His truth. True remorse is valuable because God uses it to convince you to change everything negative into something positive.

Conscience tells us what is good and what is bad. She is able to know the will of God and distinguish it from the will of man. She approves of good and condemns evil. “They (the Gentiles) show that the work of the law is written in their hearts, as their conscience bears witness and their thoughts, sometimes accusing, sometimes justifying one another” (Rom. 2:15). We often talk about a “clear conscience.” A cleansed conscience can freely serve God. “...The blood of Christ, who through the Holy Spirit offered Himself blameless to God, will cleanse our conscience from dead works, to serve the living and true God!” (Hebrews 9:14). A good conscience can withstand the attacks of the enemy. “Have a good conscience, so that those who reproach your good conduct in Christ may be put to shame by the things for which you are slandered as evildoers” (1 Pet 3:16). But there is also a defiled conscience - i.e. a bad conscience that has not been educated or has succumbed to the influence of others. “To the pure all things are pure; But to those who are defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure, but their mind and conscience are defiled” (Titus 1:15). Conscience can become insensitive and even burned. A seared conscience has died, become insensitive to the action of the Holy Spirit due to deliberate and repeated violation of the will of God, as 1 Timothy 4:2 speaks of hypocritical liars “who have been seared in their conscience.”

But what to do if a person has developed a guilt complex (false guilt complex - this will be more accurate)? — The roots of a false sense of guilt go back to early childhood. If you heard repeated reproaches that you were “naughty” or “bad,” a voice began to sound in your heart: “Shame on you!” Then your feelings began to convince you: “The love of others is determined by my behavior.” “My behavior does not meet other people's expectations.” “I may find myself rejected and abandoned.” This is how many of us develop a negative attitude towards ourselves, and begin to develop incorrect stereotypes of attitudes towards other people, which take root and remain with us even into adulthood. Then true remorse (real sorrow for sin) after actions that hurt others very quickly, almost immediately, turns into a false sense of guilt (fear of rejection by others).

To stop forming a complex of false guilt in ourselves, we need to learn to distinguish the voice of true guilt. He reminds us that we are all guilty of different sins. – Check – “Do you feel like you are a failure and have no value, unlike others?” If there is, then it is not the voice of true guilt... The voice of true guilt shapes your character - “Do you care about how you look in the eyes of other people?” Answer yourself honestly. He talks about the love of God and encourages us, admits failure - “Do you feel humiliated and confused when you have done something wrong?” - “Do you have the feeling that you cannot be healed, that you are simply a victim of your past?” If there is, then this is a false feeling. The voice of true guilt lifts your spirit and gives you joy as you communicate with God and talk about the future with optimism. “For I alone know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jer 29:11).

To get rid of the false guilt complex, you need to learn to recognize the voice of the enemy. Satan loves to hide under the guise of a servant of God. By crudely accusing and condemning people with a sensitive conscience, he uses his powerful weapon - false guilt, using guilt and fear to cause them great spiritual despondency. Learn to recognize the devil's lies. He often addresses you using unfounded statements: “You should...” - “You should be more energetic and capable.” “You have to get over your loss much faster.” “You should do more for the poor.” “You should never show anger or disappointment.” "You shouldn't shout or show weakness." “You must be an excellent friend, husband (or wife), parent or subordinate.”

In the eyes of God there are no big or small sins. His forgiveness covers all sins, but some of us cannot forgive ourselves, not realizing that by doing so we place ourselves above God. These tormented souls must fight back against Satan's slander and remind him: “I have been redeemed by the blood of Christ!” Nowhere in the Bible does God say that He forgives all our sins except... (lies, deception, anger). Memorize the following passages of Scripture: 1 John 1:9 - “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Isaiah 1:18 - “...Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they will be white as wool.” Rom 8:33–34 “Who will accuse God’s elect? God justifies them. Who is judging? Christ Jesus died, but also rose again: He is also at the right hand of God, and He intercedes for us.”

So - 1) Find the true source of your guilt: analyze why you are tormented by remorse and determine whether your guilt is true or false. 2) Take responsibility for your sin: agree with God that you are guilty of sin and make restitution to those you sinned against. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). 3) Understand that God is talking to you seriously: try to believe what God says and thank Him for infinitely forgiving you. 4) Stop focusing on the past: Don't cling to past pain, stop judging yourself and try to forgive other people. 5) Take time to renew your mind: memorize passages of Scripture that speak of God's forgiveness and remember that “in Christ you are a new creation.” “Put off your old self, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind” (Eph 4:22-23). 6) Learn to distinguish the voice of the Holy Spirit from the voice of Satan: answer Satan with the words of Holy Scripture. 7) Turn to God with prayer for your acceptance of His forgiveness and allow Christ to change you. “And it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Gal 2:20). Understand that your feelings will not change overnight, and that feelings always follow thoughts. “You need patience, so that, having done the will of God, you may receive what was promised” (Hebrews 10:36).

Prayer - “Holy God, Heavenly Father, help me get rid of the feeling of false guilt. Teach me to discern Satan's cruel lies and trust in Your Word, which is unchangeable. Make me sensitive to the touch of Your Spirit. Thank You, Father, for Your perfect love and endless forgiveness. I pray in the name of Your Son Jesus Christ. Amen".

Every fall is an opportunity to learn something, gain valuable insight into your own world, and take greater responsibility for your life. However, the frequent experience of disappointment through our moral failures causes the feeling of guilt to not leave us, and we condemn ourselves. In such situations, guilt is harmful: it becomes a torment instead of being a stimulus. Feelings of guilt accompany us in life, and remorse is a normal experience for most of us.

The way we perceive guilt affects our emotional and spiritual development. Only a psychopath claims to have no feelings of guilt. But this type of personality is not the subject of our thoughts. We will talk about those who experience normal feelings of guilt in their lives. It is absurd to say that we should never feel guilty about anything. If this were true, then our society would be truly psychopathic. None of us would be safe in anyone's presence.

A normal, healthy sense of guilt is what protects the health of society. Guilt can be a stimulus, a quick, painful jolt that propels us toward change. Remorse helps us admit that we did something wrong - and that is exactly what should happen. These feelings should also help us learn from our own mistakes. Have we ever stopped to realize how many falls, mistakes, and sins there are in our lives? How do we cope with the consequences of all this - with feelings of guilt, and learn from what we have experienced? Sometimes we imprison ourselves - behind bars of remorse.

This condition is called chronic guilt. It does not leave a person after forgiveness, remission of sins, an act of regret, even after compensation for a committed offense, it constantly weighs on a person and paralyzes him. Thus, the feeling of guilt becomes neurotic and interferes with normal functioning. Sometimes we see such self-punishment due to divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job, or disappointment; also in the case when we intentionally hurt someone, when we are vindictive. In such cases, the guilty party unnecessarily tortures himself for his shortcomings and mistakes.

Consciously or subconsciously, people sometimes inflict wounds on themselves in order to determine their own punishment. It is extremely important to have contact with the subtle, hidden feeling of guilt and bring it to the surface - otherwise it disorganizes our lives. A suppressed feeling of guilt will haunt us in another form: anxiety, depression, irritation, or in the form of various psychosomatic abnormalities. Sometimes we have remorse for no obvious reason. We didn't knowingly do anything wrong. We say: “I have remorse, but I can’t formulate why.” Such a ridiculous feeling can create anxiety and endless torture. From time to time such feelings can torment us. If we allow them to “get” us, they can take over our lives. Mostly it is illogical and baseless.

Solving the problem of guilt does not mean freeing ourselves from the consequences of our failures. We will live with this and correct what we have done, for example, pay for the plate that we broke by throwing it at our brother; refute a lie told about someone. The effects of trauma are especially painful for us when it comes to our close relationships. Therefore, it happens that despite the forgiveness received from the offended person, despite the regret for what we have done, our connection is not restored in its previous form or even falls apart. This is how families fall apart; when one of the partners is able to convince the other to return, it comes to divorce. In such situations, it takes more time for remorse to subside.

There are no perfect people. Our life is a series of actions, not only good, but also bad, for which we later feel ashamed and bitter. And we punish ourselves by experiencing painful torment. Conscience does not allow you to live in peace, poisoning your existence and often driving you into depression. After all, there is no judge more terrible for a person than himself. Then we are faced with a very difficult question: how to get rid of the pangs of conscience? And is it possible to do this?

How to get rid of pangs of conscience?

Orthodox Life

Priest Sergius Belyanov on developing a vital quality.

Conscience is something intangible in us, it is a certain part separated from us. However, it comes from somewhere. Where? It can be assumed that it is laid down by the parents. But why then, in very early childhood, does one child consider himself entitled to offend others, while it does not even occur to another? If no one tells the first one that it’s so bad, he will most likely continue in the same spirit.

It seems that conscience is laid even before the birth of a child and directly depends on previous generations, on the spiritual life of the parents, on their cultural environment.

The parents of the Most Holy Theotokos were saints - Joachim and Anna; from John the Baptist, the Baptist of the Lord, from St. Sergius of Radonezh...

Our culture has historically been filled with both pagan and Christian sources. That's why it's contradictory. Perhaps this is the mystery of the Slavic soul.

And since our conscience depends on our ancestors, then we need to start with them. Turn to God with a request for mercy on those who lived before us. Many have heard the phrase of the holy fathers about education: “You need to educate when the child is lying across the bench.” But he is brought up not by words, but by examples - what I see is what I become.

When a child is brought to church to be baptized, you can immediately see whether the mother has received communion. Sometimes it is impossible to hold a baby in your hands during baptism, whose mother has never come to church. After such a baptism, the priest had a ringing in his ears for a long time from the child’s scream. And it is also difficult for such babies to receive communion, unlike church-going mothers - that is, the children, it turns out, already know what communion is. And this is already the beginning of their conscience.

Upbringing leaves a deep imprint on a person for life. We all come from childhood. Even fairy tales that are told to children teach them to distinguish between good and evil. If a child’s soul is tuned like a tuning fork, with every life choice the conscience will denounce the person - as long as he hears it.

It happens that in the bustle we bury our conscience under a pile of sins, vanity, and scraps of unpleasant situations. And we no longer hear the voice of conscience, acting like soulless egoists. And then God begins to warn - first with despondency, then with everyday admonitions, difficult situations. And in extreme cases – losses.

It's good if we wake up at the first warning. Our conscience will speak and pull us to a place where we feel at peace with it. For example, to church, to confession. And the more carefully you dig your conscience out from under the rubble, the more painful it is to feel your imperfection and dirt, the more joyful and lighter your soul becomes after confession.

Confession and communion are regular training. Just like in sports, the less you pump your abs, the more your belly sags and your body loosens. It's the same in life. The less training of conscience - confessions and communions, the greater the likelihood of dissolving and wasting your life in vain.

What is conscience

Psychologists believe that conscience is an internal social controller. She regulates behavior, forcing her to follow the learned moral standards. And if forced circumstances or chance force one to violate these norms, then the person begins to experience a feeling of guilt and suffering due to the fact that it is impossible to correct what has already happened.

But there are people who seem to never feel guilty and are not tormented by the question of how to get rid of remorse

This is not true, there are no such people. It’s just that some were brought up differently, learned other norms and actions that we worry about, they don’t consider them shameful.

It is impossible to completely get rid of conscience as an internal control, otherwise a person will cease to be a full-fledged member of society and sooner or later will turn into an outcast. But it is not only possible, but also necessary, to reduce your worries due to an offense, so as not to drive yourself into a state of severe depression.

How to get rid of pangs of conscience

If a perfect action makes you suffer and worry, then you should think about its reasons and the possibility of changing the situation. To punish yourself for the past is not only useless, but also dangerous, since this past will turn into shackles that prevent you from living in the present and deprive you of the future. What to do in this case?

1. Move from useless and painful thoughts to actions. Correcting an action, trying to eliminate or at least reduce its consequences is the most effective way to get rid of pangs of conscience.
2. Take the torment beyond your consciousness, where it has a destructive effect on the psyche. Repent, speak out, apologize. Even a simple “I’m sorry” can ease your soul and save you from suffering. What if this is not possible? Write a letter to someone you have offended, even if it never reaches the recipient. Trust paper with your painful thoughts, and you will feel better.
3. Rethink the situation. Try to analyze what happened, find the objective reasons for your offense. Sometimes finding excuses is better than tormenting and cursing yourself.
4. Evaluate yourself, make sure that you are far from the worst person, try to remember as many of your good deeds as possible and rejoice. And tell yourself once again that there are no ideal people, and only those who do nothing make mistakes. This will help you forgive yourself and leave guilt behind.

In looking for ways to get rid of feelings of guilt and justifications for wrongdoing, one should not forget that conscience is a very important social mechanism. It is necessary for any person living in society; it is not for nothing that conscience is called the voice of God, sounding in our soul. It's worth listening to him.

How to get rid of remorse over a divorce or still stay in the family?

Good day, Andrey!

It’s very good that they decided to figure everything out first. If there are doubts, then, most likely, not everything is so bad in the relationship with your spouse. Perhaps your marriage is currently experiencing a family crisis.

You have been together for 10 years, and this is a significant period. A family is a system, and like any system, it exists and develops in certain stages. The transition to each new stage (level) is impossible without completing the previous one. Therefore, it is quite normal if during family life there are periods when there is no mutual understanding with a partner, views and the nature of the relationship change. During such periods, spouses may move away from each other, and other lovers may appear in their lives. These periods are called crises of family life; they occur in a certain sequence.

Each crisis brings with it the death of established relationships, but at the same time it is a leap forward. A crisis in a relationship helps spouses see not only the negative, but also the valuable that connects and binds them.

It’s very good that you told your spouse everything, it means you trust her and don’t want to deceive anyone. Perhaps, when the emotions subside, you will be able to talk calmly and identify the paths for your future life.

Unfortunately, you said practically nothing about your spouse and your relationship with her, but most likely, this more suggests that there are no global negative aspects. Like, for example, your girlfriend, who gets divorced quite easily because “she can’t stand her husband.”

You write “I don’t even rule out that the feelings have simply cooled down, that is, well, not everything has faded away completely, or perhaps I’m sorry ... memories, because once I, that is, we were happy” ... and at the end of the sentence you say: “but I’m already with the new girl promised.. and I want to be with her ???????”. What do you think comes first here, your promise or desire to be with a new girl?

To help you understand this situation, it is advisable to work with a psychologist in consultation. If this is not possible, I can recommend doing the following exercise:

- stay alone with yourself so that no one bothers you, relax and imagine yourself in 5, 10, 20 years... Who are you? Where do you live? What's your job? When you come home from work, who greets you? Where and with whom do your daughters live? Who goes through life next to you? Are you happy? Would you like to change something? You can write to me about the results.

Alternatively, you can live separately from your spouse for now and, if possible, try to limit meetings with a new girl. Give yourself this time to understand yourself and think. This will either help you make sure your decision is correct, or new thoughts will appear.

I sincerely wish you to be honest, first of all, with yourself and make the right choice.

Sincerely, Kudryavtseva Irina.

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