Alexey Maslov: You can’t impose an understanding of loneliness as misfortune

Feel

I think the feeling of loneliness is familiar to many. It affected me too. But not just the absence of a couple, but loneliness as a state.

Coldness, emptiness, a feeling of some kind of inferiority. All this led me to try to create a family at any cost and no matter what it would be.

At the same time, there was a feeling that the appearance of a man would solve all the problems, or almost all. Every woman understands the phrase “warm your soul.” It was precisely this lack of warmth in my soul that I also had to experience and live with for many years. But the testing time is over, I found a way out. As it turned out, he is not at all where everyone is looking for him.

What did I do? I stopped looking. I stopped looking for a man to “keep warm.” Instead, I did some soul-searching to find the cause of this cold.

Features of this condition

What is characteristic of female loneliness? First of all, this is moral dissatisfaction, you have no one to care about, no one to rely on, no one to shift responsibility to and all the problems. You cannot afford to be fragile and sweet, you have to solve all the problems yourself. All. From a broken toilet to earning your daily bread. But the most important thing is that there is no one to blame. In general, I had to be strong and independent. But I didn’t want that.

Of course, it was possible to find someone, because everyone does it. But, as usual, I did exactly the opposite. I gave up searching and delved into the darkest corners of my soul and my past.

Hormones, pheromones and other chemistry of love passion

Scientists and doctors will say: hormones, pheromones, and other substances of our endocrine system. But this sounds cold and unromantic, bringing to mind thoughts of test tubes and textbooks, while we dream of passion and feelings that can melt the Greenland ice. Of course, in a certain sense, substances influence consciousness, and our sympathies will be gained by the object that is as close as possible in chemical composition to the dream ideal. But if your views and lifestyle contradict, preventing you from ascending to seventh heaven, will pheromones save you or is something else necessary? Mutual understanding and patience must be present in everyday life and in bed, at work and at a party, in order to make you truly happy with another person. After all, it is impossible to live side by side with an adult man or woman who has his own, fully formed views on life, and not find points of intersection between your habits, characters and generally accepted stereotypes. In the first couple, the consciousness clouded by passion does not attach much importance to them. We easily concede the lead in an argument, or with a smile on our face we take out the trash several times a day, shaking out the doormat, while the oven and food processor do not cook, but create masterpieces of culinary art. The question is, how long will the desire to forever surprise yourself and your partner be enough, and when will gray everyday life come, the same and frightening lovers with an inevitable separation? As soon as you ask yourself this question, they will come! Life brought you together not for a joint holiday until the end of your days, but for the purpose of the effective functioning of the thinking system, with the aim of continuing the human race .

Reasons and roots

Childhood

According to psychologists, we all come from childhood, and that is where we should look for the roots of our problems.

There are only three of them:

Parents' attitude towards us.
Parents' relationship with each other.
Parents' relationships with other people.

Of course, there are many more, but these three are the main ones, everything else is their derivatives.

These three components are already quite enough to get to the bottom of many of the causes of our problems.

Here's what I found out:

In my family, father and mother did not love each other. The mother used the father, and he deceived her.
My parents always ignored my needs because they were too busy with themselves and quite selfish.
They blamed each other and me for everything. I always felt guilty for their failures, which led to the development of a severe guilt complex.

Childhood jealousy, resentment, feelings of rejection and inferiority - this is what childhood brought with it.

Maybe,

Fear of loneliness

Where does this fear of loneliness that lives in us from the moment of birth come from? A child is afraid to be left alone in a world full of dangers and unfamiliar things; this is quite understandable to us adults. But what is an adult, self-sufficient person afraid of? Perhaps the need to be loved is higher than the way of thinking, then at what level should we consider the problem? Let us turn to the fine line between consciousness and subconsciousness.

By nature we have a need to find a couple, when we, due to our high intelligence or other reasons, deliberately refuse to start a family, then along with satisfaction, we feel a strange emptiness and desire, not entirely defined, but very strong. Does nervousness and aggressiveness not disappear even after passionate bed sex? It’s simple, you are driven by the subconscious need to leave behind your information set, giving life to a new organism. The more valuable the genotype is to nature, the greater the likelihood of your mental anguish and the strength of your fear of loneliness. After all, the refusal to pass on one’s genes to one’s children can be called an unacceptable loss of hundreds of years of nature’s “work” to form a unique combination of thinking, appearance and many other necessary and very rare natural materials.

Steps to overcome

I understand myself

The initial stages are working through fear and guilt. Very hard and painstaking work. It took no less than 2 years. After all, before you get rid of these conditions, you need to find them and understand them. For example, why am I afraid of a knock on the door, phone calls, the future, etc. As for the guilt complex, it was even worse here, I felt guilty about everything and always, no matter what happened. It was like a black blanket that I pulled over myself, and it, as if by magic, attracted trouble. Over the course of 2.5 years, I managed to pull out a significant portion of my problems, realize them and work through them.

Editorial opinion

Elena Kalita

Magazine editor

Loneliness comes in different forms. Empty or fruitful. If there is emptiness inside, it means you have not reached yourself yet. And if there is peace and harmony, then you know the happiness of meeting yourself.

Search for talent

Now I had to find my strengths and move on. I needed a change of profession, as well as deep work on myself through meditation and spiritual practices.

As it turned out, I have talents, but they lie in a completely different area, and not where I worked. At that time it was accounting. Routine work that promises nothing. Therefore, the situation had to change radically.

What did I find in myself?

The first quality is a talent for psychology ; I have an excellent ability to help people. I was wonderfully able to increase people’s self-esteem, motivation, and gain faith in themselves. In other words, help them do what I do. It really worked.
The second quality is a passion for writing. At first, I did rewrites and wrote reviews for films and games. This brought additional income, satisfaction, and increased self-confidence. Next came popular science, review and selling texts. So I reached a new level, quit accounting and began working for myself and on myself.

Finding further help

But as it turned out, this was just the beginning. Everything was just as bad in my soul, depression was pulling me to the bottom, I understood that I couldn’t cope on my own. At this stage, the Internet became my assistant. I read articles on psychology, esotericism and self-development, I accumulated and analyzed the information received. All this provided food for thought, but no real help. Thus began the search for a specialist, namely a psychotherapist (not to be confused with psychiatrists). Naturally, such a specialist was found.

But there were some incidents. I won’t go into details, I’ll just say one thing: a person in trouble is a target for scammers and manipulators.

How to avoid falling for the bait of “unclean” specialists?

First of all, don’t be afraid, otherwise you simply won’t get off the ground. Such “specialists” are excellent at playing on fears.
Secondly, turn on critical thinking, observe and analyze. Take off your rose-colored glasses, assess the situation, ask yourself questions. “Why do I need this? Who benefits from this? Do I need this? – these and other questions will help you maintain a sober view of things.
Thirdly, look at how events are developing. When meeting any new person, observe the events taking place in your life. If everything is fine, don't worry. If chaos, conflicts, problems begin, break off relations with this person without regret.

Attention! Many psychotherapists have hypnotic and extrasensory abilities and know how to work with the subconscious. But not all of them are honest and not all act in the interests of the client. Be careful!

Filling the void

This was the hardest part. After all, emptiness cannot be replaced by either work or friends. This is something inexplicable, but very real. This is where the psychotherapist (a real and very good specialist) came to the rescue.

About how to change your life in a couple of days: The story of how I cleaned out my house and took 12 bags of garbage to the landfill.

Several sessions of hypnosis and working with the subconscious put a lot of things in place, as they say, “straightened my brain.” It didn't come cheap. But the results were worth it.

The most significant achievements:

Efficiency has increased, a minimum of actions brings maximum results. The work began to bear fruit, new clients, orders, and projects appeared.
An interest in life appeared, it acquired colors. There is a feeling that you have a future, and it is wonderful.
Relationships with people have improved significantly for no apparent reason. I met new people, and these acquaintances later brought benefits.
Life has acquired a certain “fullness”, that same emptiness has gone away.

All this was great, but there was one serious problem - fatigue. Such changes in a short time require an incredible amount of effort. After all, the familiar “swamp” is very comfortable, cozy, it pulls you back and you want to return there from time to time. This happens to almost everyone.

Loneliness after divorce or separation

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

How to deal with loneliness after a breakup is a very common question.
The content of the article

How does a man feel?
How does a woman feel?
How to get used to loneliness after
Will finding a new husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend help?

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Divorce and separation are always more painful the stronger and deeper the connection between partners or spouses. Both sides will always be victims, not excluding people who are closely related to the family. Due to certain differences, men and women experience divorce differently.

What a man is afraid of and how he experiences divorce or separation

Initially, a man treats the fact of divorce as liberation from a hateful relationship. His feelings are often akin to euphoria from the bright prospects and opportunities that have opened up . It is not customary for men to be afraid of the domestic unsettlement that comes with the absence of a wife; they are able (although some women doubt this) to take care of themselves on their own. However, sooner or later a feeling of emptiness comes, which has nothing to do with the lack of ironed shirts or clean socks.

Whatever the relationship in a couple, the wife, even the ex-wife, remains a close and dear person for the man. Intimacy is the very first thing that a man begins to lack, because short-term relationships are rarely able to give a sense of belonging and mutual understanding.

It also happens that divorce becomes a strong blow for a man , accompanied by a long-term depressed state, from which the man finds it difficult to get out of it, after which there is a fear of the situation developing again and a fear of relationships in general.

What is a woman afraid of and how does she experience divorce or separation?

Women perceive loneliness after divorce differently than men. How can a woman come to terms with her new status? Despite the fact that she is more often perceived as a victim, subsequently the social status of a “divorcee” hinders her more than a man. In the everyday sense, it is easy for a woman to live alone, since she often bears the entire burden of housework. But due to increased emotionality, women react to divorce more severely, and they more often require the help of a specialist .

If a woman in a marriage performed a “maintenance” function, being completely occupied with family affairs, then it can be difficult for her to understand how to learn to live alone, because a huge number of tasks that previously required regular execution disappear. However, there is a plus to this: it frees up time to take care of yourself, or for hobbies and interests.

In the event of a divorce due to infidelity or her husband leaving the family, it is very difficult for a woman to both get used to the idea that someone else was preferred to her, and to get rid of the feeling of loneliness and uselessness . Women with not very high self-esteem begin to look for the reasons for cheating in themselves, which does not give any positive effect, but only leads to the development of an inferiority complex .

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Also, after the breakup of a long-term old relationship, a woman is haunted by the fear of starting new ones, at the same time there is a fear of being left alone, as well as lack of confidence in herself and her financial solvency.

This is interesting
There is a “social surrogate hypothesis,” which suggests that for a person who desperately wants a close relationship, television becomes a surrogate.
People who are lonely or in conflict with loved ones replace normal relationships with so-called “parasocial” ones - the perception of screen characters who do not exist in reality as friends. Moreover, the stronger the loneliness, the closer this connection.

How to get used to loneliness after divorce or separation

After a divorce, a person sequentially experiences several stages:

Denial , when a broken marriage is devalued, the significance of the event is denied;
Bitterness , which is concentrated on the ex-spouse, often during this period they try to turn the children against him/her;
Negotiation . Attempts are made to manipulate in order to restore relationships;
Depression . Accompanied by a general decline in mood, self-esteem suffers, and fear of new relationships appears;
Adaptation . Overcoming loneliness, developing skills to solve life problems in new conditions.

First of all, you don’t need to perceive divorce as the end of the world. Also, don’t pretend like nothing happened or withdraw into yourself. You should start living like single people live: meet with friends, go shopping, take time for yourself.

You shouldn’t rush headlong into looking for a partner, professing in practice the principle “knocks things out with fire” - it won’t be possible to build new relationships on the still undismantled fragments of old ones, but it’s easy to “break wood”. At the same time, you should not give up non-binding communication and flirting - this will help increase self-esteem and add self-confidence.

Will finding a new husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend help?

In the long term it will definitely help. However, this should not be rushed.

First, you should find out and logically complete all previous relationships , so that when choosing a new life partner you are not guided by emotions, jealousy or the desire for revenge. A new marriage will be stable only if it is based on common sense and a real need for a reliable shoulder by your side .

Social psychology identifies 4 conditions for a person to have a companion:

The first is territorial proximity. This concept should be understood correctly - it is not living in one territory (for example, in one area). This means constant interaction. You can work together, or practice pair dancing in the same studio;
Physical attractiveness;
Similarity of outlook on life and psychological attitudes;
Having sympathy.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

The paradox of change

Yes, exactly a paradox, since changes do not come when you expect them. The whole point is that neither a man, nor love, nor family can cure loneliness. This is an internal state, a consequence of past mistakes, injuries, wrong decisions, you can get rid of such a state only by removing this state from yourself. And the presence or absence of a man is secondary.

Editorial opinion

Ilya Tarasov

Chief Editor

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As soon as you turn your attention to yourself and give up searching, magic happens. “He” appears in your life.

Do you understand? It appears when you pay maximum attention to yourself, love yourself, accept yourself, and develop. You are not waiting for anyone or anything. No complaints about the world or others. Unfortunately, most women do not know or do not understand this.

Forewarned is forearmed: First acquaintance with the guy’s parents. Underwater rocks.

What is a phobia and how to recognize it?

Loneliness phobia is an autophobia that any of us has experienced at least once in our lives. Such a person is withdrawn and trusts others little, if at all. It is sometimes extremely difficult to establish communication with lonely people, even though it would seem that they desire it more than anyone else.

They see new acquaintances as a threat, but subconsciously want to make mistakes, since a new person is potentially a friend who is vital.

Loneliness closely borders on sociopathy - distrust of others and fear of them. In this case, at a later stage, only an experienced psychologist can help in treatment. Such people have very few friends, and who would want to have a relationship with a distrustful loner?

If a woman has a phobia

The fear of loneliness in women is also dangerous because a woman of any age will always be in particular need of support. It is extremely important not to encounter loneliness at an early age, during the formation of social relationships. Loneliness is the hardest test, since there is nothing worse than spending your whole life alone without good friends and without a loved one.

Lonely people begin to feel that they are rejected by society and the whole world, that they are superfluous and unnecessary. This causes suicidal tendencies.

A female personality who inadequately assessed her appearance based on peer pressure will, in subsequent years, consider herself unpleasant and uninteresting to the opposite sex. Psychological violence during school years leaves its mark for the rest of life, and the hostility of classmates often became the cause of isolation, disappointment and loss of meaning in life.

If a man has a phobia

The fear of loneliness in men also forms its own inferiority complex, but it differs from that of women. A man who has experienced loneliness during his school years or youth loses his adaptation and self-confidence. A man must be a leader, at least in his future family or social circle.

Single men will be happy to have any friends who show at least some interest in them. It doesn’t matter how bad and harmful the communication will be, but the very fact that at least someone is interested in it will give a false sense of healing. Such individuals are most susceptible to bad influence and manipulation from the outside.

If a child has a phobia

The fear of loneliness in a child is the most dangerous possible, since loneliness destroys the personality, and in children it is the foundation for the future. Constant fear of classmates or friends, due to eternal ridicule and jokes, leads to the fact that in the future, making a new acquaintance, and especially with a woman, will become an almost impossible task. Self-loathing, hatred, anger and disrespect for peers will become constant companions.