how to get rid of loneliness and sadness
Do you spend your evening in front of a computer or TV screen? Have you already looked at all the pages on social networks, and even all the possible TV series? Are you getting bored? These are all signs of loneliness, blues, melancholy and other possible conditions. Do you know why this happens to you, why are you bored? It’s simple - you have greatly limited your space and have not gone beyond the “comfort zone” for a long time.
What causes melancholy? There are two factors here. Firstly, we already remembered that your comfort zone is to blame. Secondly, lack of motivation to do something. One of the options for getting rid of loneliness and melancholy is to force yourself to change something in your life, to “get excited” about some idea and bring it to life.
Nature of occurrence
Experiencing the constant pressure of these negative emotions, there is a desire to go as far as possible, to completely isolate yourself from the whole world, people and everything that happens around. In the early stages of these sensations, people try to turn to their loved ones and friends for help, but often receive an incomprehensible answer. Or even worse, without trying to understand the essence of the problem, to get to the bottom of its roots, suggestions are received in the form of advice that all free time should be devoted to work, hobbies or some other interests. That is, “clog” your life as much as possible in various ways, so that there is no time left for the blues, creating additional difficulties and problems for yourself. But such advice does not bring anything good, and certainly will not help you get out of this obsessive state of uselessness and complete loneliness.
This problem can only be solved by getting to the origins of these psychological problems. Often these reasons lie in early childhood, when the child experienced severe stress under the influence of the surrounding world. The reason for this could be:
- Quarrels with classmates, peers and other children;
- Problems in the family, lack of understanding between the child and parents;
- Conflict situations with surrounding people;
- Failure to accept the child’s point of view and opinions by elders;
- Unresolved problems of adolescence.
What is the feeling of loneliness?
A person feels lonely when he loses connections with other people. On the one hand, we cannot live without people, because we do not live alone, even if it seems so to us. We live in society, interact with each other and survive only together. At a deep mental level, we are all united by a single unconscious. All our troubles, but also all our joys, come from other people.
On the other hand, at a certain moment in his development, a person felt his own uniqueness, separation from other people. This feeling can be expressed by the words “there is no one but me.”
That is why it was from this moment that humanity took the path of the “curse of loneliness.” Since then, we have been unconsciously looking for lost connections and cannot find them. A person is lonely “from a stinking diaper to a stinking shroud.” And in the modern world of individualism, the suffering of loneliness is only getting worse.
However, not everyone is aware of this deep loneliness. Most often it is felt in certain life situations - for example, when loved ones pass away or in a foreign country, when familiar connections are lost. But there are people who experience the pangs of loneliness especially strongly. System-vector psychology distinguishes two main types of loneliness:
- visual loneliness;
- sound loneliness.
Loneliness is terrible, creepy and unbearable
This is exactly how the owners of the visual vector determine their internal state when they find themselves alone with themselves. Bright extroverts, they see the meaning of their lives in communication, love, and creating emotional connections with other people. That is why, when these connections are absent, they feel sadness especially strongly. They feel bad and hurt alone. The severance of an emotional connection is experienced by them as severe stress.
When the visual vector is not realized, its owner may experience numerous fears, including the fear of loneliness. He is afraid that in his old age there will be no one to give him a glass of water. Driven by this fear, a visual person can agree to any relationship so as not to be in a state of loneliness.
Loneliness as a way of life
For owners of the sound vector, loneliness, on the one hand, is desirable, and on the other hand, it is a source of unbearable suffering, which, however, is not always realized.
The sound guy is out of this world. He has little interest in everyday problems. He does not like empty conversations about everyday life and family problems, politics and the weather. Holidays, which usually unite people with common joy, set his teeth on edge: the sensitive ears of a sound engineer cannot tolerate noisy displays of emotions.
His soul is troubled by strange questions: “What is the meaning of all this? Why am I here? Why do I feel so bad in this world? He wants and most often cannot understand himself and his desires. He generally likes to think and concentrate on his states. And for this he strives for silence and loneliness - it’s better to think that way.
However, if concentration on oneself becomes the only desire of a sound artist, this leads to sad consequences. Cutting ties with people, plunging into complete loneliness, he feels a deep emptiness inside and loses interest in life. In this state, he can go to sleep for 12–16 hours or play computer games for days. He prefers the silence and darkness behind the closed doors of his room to the bright world outside. All this leads him to depression, which becomes an obligatory companion for the owner of a sound vector who has chosen loneliness as a lifestyle.
Sad consequences
At a certain moment, the peak of this emotional pressure, the human psyche, using protective mechanisms, decided to abstract, seclude and isolate itself within itself. Such a defensive reaction occurs as a result of hypertrophy of the main instinct of all living organisms - the instinct of self-preservation.
Subsequently, at the levels of the unconscious, under the influence of any external factors, a person activates this mechanism again, forming an impenetrable dome around his life and himself, avoiding any interaction with the outside world, not letting anything through this dome. All these states of abandonment, melancholy and loneliness arise for the reason that the external threat, from which the psyche so uniquely protected the psyche in difficult moments, has gone away, but this impenetrable thick dome of isolation remains.
When others try to make contact with such a person, nothing good comes of it. This is due to the fact that his psychological defense is built in such a way that, trying to avoid some danger, he immediately abstracts himself and interrupts all contact. Over a long period of time, these processes spoil a person’s life; gradually loneliness fills all areas of his life, cutting off the path to returning to normal life.
Also watch the webinar “Melancholy, loneliness, abandonment” by Denis Burkhaev.
Where does fear of rejection come from?
We first experience rejection, of course, in childhood.
After all, initially a child is born open to the world. Only then can he isolate himself - in order to protect himself from the tension that arises from not entirely pleasant contact with others. Rejection can be direct or hidden. For example, my friend’s older sister - as a teenager - openly expressed her reluctance to communicate with her (she is 8 years younger): “Don’t bother me, go away!” She was interested in her peers and “parties.” And the youngest working parents (as is usually the case) left her with her sister.
With hidden rejection, the child may be smiled at, treated kindly, but, for example, not paid attention, switched the conversation to another topic, and ignored his wishes and statements. "Don't interfere in adult conversations!" - we often hear. It seems that for the purpose of education - to teach a child to respect elders - we thereby form in him a feeling of humiliation, resentment, loneliness, and low self-esteem.
Children who have been systematically rejected grow up to become anxious adults. They perceive life situations through the lens of “I will be rejected.” Let's say a person is late for a meeting or doesn't answer the phone. Those who fear rejection will fantasize that people don't want to interact with them.
At the same time, you either get very worried, get angry, or, on the contrary, distance yourself from feelings.
Often people do not realize that they initially feel irritated and angry at possible rejection. Often caustic, sarcastic people are those who live in constant fear of being rejected. Anger comes out through caustic remarks. Fear of rejection often blocks many impulses. For example, a guy hesitates to get close to a girl because of the fantasy that she will see ulterior motives in this. And as a result, he will reject him. Although in fact, the girl might have been incredibly happy about such a rapprochement and would happily continue communicating with the young man. It turns out that people who unconsciously expect rejection drive themselves into their own trap - they block the satisfaction of their own needs.
Have you, dear readers, noticed fantasies about the fear of rejection? At what moments? What exactly were you fantasizing about?
Let's work with the fear of rejection
Let's practice. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns. In the first, write the situation. For example, “my husband is late home.” In the second (next to it) - describe your most vivid fantasy related to this - for example, “he doesn’t want to come to me, he doesn’t love me.” In the third column, describe the feeling you experience when subconsciously living out the fantasy. It would be good to write down five to ten situations in a row in this way.
When the columns are filled, re-read everything you wrote. Try to rate all situations, fantasies and feelings on a scale of ten.
Evaluate by the strength, intensity, seriousness, significance of this event, experience, fantasy for you. Next to each entry in each column, write your rating.
Now you can track exactly how you react to different situations, what you feel, how seriously you take it, how often you expect rejection, etc. For example, the situation was rated a “C”, and fantasies and feelings about it were rated an “Eight”. Conclusion: you are very worried about generally insignificant events. What trends have you followed? Did you learn anything new about yourself? Write down your findings on paper.
Waiting for love
In fact, a person who expects rejection is in great need of love. He is only afraid to directly state his needs, to ask for attention, affection, tenderness addressed to him. After all, if he is suddenly rejected in such a defenseless state ( openly asking for the most important things ), it will be very painful and unbearable for him.
Often, due to fear of rejection, people use indirect, manipulative methods of obtaining love, attention, care and affection from others.
Here are some of them:
"Bribe"
In a bribery situation, a person uses a similar manipulation: “I love you most, so you must give up everything for the sake of my love.” We often hear the phrases “I love you so much, and you...”, “Do this for the sake of my love!” Often it is women who manipulate in this way. In this way they achieve their goal - attention to themselves - but the only difference is that the other person can give it out of a sense of duty, and not out of love. Naturally, he will accumulate irritation, which over time can develop into conflict.
"Appeal to Pity"
The person will expose his suffering and helplessness to others. The message here is: “You must love me because I am suffering greatly and am completely helpless.” At the same time, with such weaknesses he seems to justify his often excessive demands.
We often hear: “I’m so tired at work, I’m constantly sick, and you don’t even call!” Or: “How can you say such a thing to a sick person!” In this case, people are likely to only formally comply with the requirements and show attention. And inside you feel deceived and angry.
"Call for Justice"
I raised you, fed you, and what did you give me? Often these are phrases from parents “raised” by the Soviet Union. Such people try to get love by calling for obligation. They often try to do as much as possible for others - secretly hoping that they will receive whatever they want in return. They are very disappointed when they find out that those for whom they tried do not want to do anything in return.
Calls for justice may also be implicit. For example, after the husband leaves for someone else, the wife suddenly falls ill. Her illness - in most cases - is a means of unspoken reproach, which, as a rule, makes the ex-husband feel guilty and forces him to pay his attention to his wife.
Of course, many people still benefit from manipulation. And often such behavior is unconscious. But they can hardly be called happy people, because the love and attention that they so ardently desire and seek actually comes through deception.
How to get rid of the feeling of uselessness and loneliness?
The problem of constant feelings of uselessness, abandonment and loneliness can only be solved by breaking this imaginary dome, convincing yourself of the need to change something in your life, using various techniques and practices. The main thing on the way to solving this issue is to understand the mechanisms of occurrence of these psychological problems and a sincere desire to get rid of them, to free yourself and your life for new events, acquaintances and new joys.
Also watch the webinar “Melancholy, loneliness, abandonment” by Denis Burkhaev.
Survival strategy
Sometimes it happens that a person is isolated from society not of his own free will, but due to certain circumstances. Such situations become a real test of one's own will to live. Why are some people better equipped to survive than others? Is it possible to prepare in advance for such situations? Scientists find it difficult to answer these questions, but we can take on board the lessons of those people who survived the restriction of freedom.
In circumstances where life has been turned upside down, there is no benefit in cursing at life or wondering why it happened. In such a predicament, it is necessary to find mental support in order to distract from what is happening, and thus grasp reality.
This strategy was followed by Edith Bone, a medical academic and translator who spent seven years in a Hungarian prison after World War II. She made an abacus from bread crumbs and counted all the words she knew in six languages.
Article on the topic: Viktor Frankl “Saying “YES” to life!” [Summary of the book].
People most at risk of loneliness
So, who are the people most at risk of loneliness?
Loneliness can be experienced by anyone, but there are certain common situations that can trigger the onset (or recurrence) of loneliness. These include :
- Finding yourself in a new situation, such as a new city, work or school, surrounded by unfamiliar people.
- The loss of another person's "silent presence" when you no longer have someone with whom you can communicate passively and quietly.
- Seeing yourself as different from others in many ways, such as religion, sexual orientation, or political beliefs.
- Loss of trust in those closest to you, leaving you feeling hopeless and isolated, with no one to turn to
- The realization that you lack an intimate partner with whom you can share your most private moments, or that your current partner no longer fulfills this need
- Believe that none of your "friends" actually want to get closer to you because they often don't have the time to invest in further activities to get closer to you
You're lonely?
Communication and social interaction seem easier than ever—with just a few taps on your smartphone, you can instantly connect with any friend, family, or other loved one.
But in recent years there has been a huge surge in loneliness, to the point that many psychologists call it a modern loneliness epidemic.
Over the past few decades, loneliness has doubled in many developed countries, such as the United States.
Nearly half of all people feel lonely or isolated, and around one in four respondents feel that there is no one in their life who understands them.
Unexpected reasons for loneliness
Loneliness isn't always what people think it is. There's a reason why most people who suffer from loneliness live with it for years without their closest friends or family even realizing it.
Loneliness can exist in the most surprising of people for unexpected reasons. Here are some illogical reasons for loneliness:
1) Be extroverted:
There are many extroverts who are lonely, and these are the types who feel isolated in a crowded room. They yearn for deeper connections but fail and return to their superficial and short-term relationships.
2) Male and single:
one study found that women are less likely to be lonely because they have stronger and broader networks to rely on. In contrast, single men are the most vulnerable to loneliness and typically have few or no close friends to turn to.
3) Personality
Type A
: Type A personalities
are people who are more impatient, competitive, ambitious and hot-tempered, and their response to stress is usually more neurotic and frantic. The study found that Type A individuals have more difficulty in relationships and connecting with others, making them more prone to loneliness.
4) Addiction
from Social Media: One of the biggest causes of loneliness these days is overuse of social media. Social media can make people feel like everyone around them is living a perfect life full of social activity, leading to feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy and, of course, loneliness.
5) Chronic illness:
Chronic illness can not only harm your physical health, but it also increases your chances of long-term loneliness. Researchers have found that people have a harder time maintaining a positive outlook with chronic illness, especially in older age, and fall into a spiral of loneliness as they age.
