People often get offended, and it is very difficult to forget the insults inflicted by those closest to them. It seems that that unpleasant conversation has long been forgotten, and everything is fine at home, but the old grudge is not forgotten and does not allow you to feel like a completely happy person. This article contains some tips on how to learn to forget grievances. And you need to be able to do this, because by learning to forget grievances, you can significantly make life easier, first of all, for yourself. To learn to forget grievances, let’s first understand what grievance is and why people take offense at each other. Resentment is an emotion that arises in a person if he does not get what he wants from another person or group of people. If someone did not listen to your request or did something differently than you wanted, then the thought arises that this person offended you. This reaction is born in our subconscious. In order not to be offended or after some time to be able to forget the offense, you need to look at the situation differently.
The main signs of resentment
Before forgiving an offense, entering a new life and letting go of the past, it is necessary to establish the characteristics of the manifestation of a destructive feeling. This way you will understand that resentment exists without confusing it with other emotions.
Resentment can be identified by the following signs:
- causes mental discomfort and misunderstanding;
- is always directed inward, therefore it tends to accumulate;
- is a defensive reaction to unpleasant situations, destroys unjustified hopes;
- the assessment of what happened is very subjective: the offended person is too self-centered and fixated on his feelings;
- often provokes affective actions: a person may not be aware of his actions done in the heat of the moment against the backdrop of resentment;
- has a long “shelf life” and leaves deep psychological trauma.
The influence of resentment on a person
Before getting rid of a grudge, you need to evaluate its impact on a person and learn to forgive. First of all, a negative emotion causes stress, irritation and misunderstanding on the part of the offended person. A person constantly thinks about the situation that happened, looks for an explanation and feels helpless.
As you know, resentment does not go away over time, and the victim continues to be in a state of chronic depression. It is not surprising that resentment can provoke psychosomatic diseases, which already bring physical discomfort. An unwillingness to face the truth may well lead to glaucoma or eye inflammation. And problems with the gastrointestinal tract appear when “swallowing” and suppressing toxic emotions, including resentment.
Can such a feeling be useful for a person? Oddly enough, but this particular condition is a “litmus test”, revealing the weaknesses of the individual. For example, if the usual dialogue of your loved one with the opposite sex causes severe jealousy and hopeless resentment. This situation will be a reason to think about what happened and work on your feelings.
Reasons for increased sensitivity
A lot of materials have been written on psychology on how to forgive a person who has hurt you very much if a deep resentment on a subconscious level prevents you from doing this. First, we will establish the root causes that contribute to the manifestation of resentment, then we will move on to methods of combating it.
Inferiority complex
As a rule, behind high sensitivity and vulnerability there are serious psychological problems. A person with low self-esteem will unconsciously complicate relationships with others, and touchiness will become his constant companion.
Inability to stand up for yourself
People who are unable to defend personal boundaries do not find sufficient understanding from others, which can also be the cause of deep resentment.
Ban on negative emotions
When a child hears: “Don’t be a crybaby!”, “Behave decently!”, “I’m tired of your tantrums!”, he automatically learns to hide his experiences from his parents. The problem is that these kinds of feelings cannot come out, growing over time like a snowball. The child lives in a state of unexpressed and unrealized emotions, which makes him secretive, vulnerable and touchy.
Why shouldn't you cultivate resentment in yourself?
Since not everyone can forgive a person and completely free themselves from grievances, we will provide some motivation. This feeling has the unpleasant property of taking over all the good that is in a person.
Many people know that such people are pathological manipulators, because it is resentment that allows them to achieve what they want. For example, mothers of avid bachelors. As soon as the son makes attempts to arrange his personal life, he is faced with incredible resentment from his mother, who charges him with a feeling of guilt.
People with similar principles are very difficult to communicate with, so those around them reduce conversations with them to a minimum. It also becomes difficult to establish close contact and close relationships. Therefore, such individuals may be doomed to loneliness and social isolation.
“To understand everything means to forgive”
Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy was the first to “speak out.” The bearded classic looked fatherly from under his shaggy eyebrows and reminded: “To understand everything means to forgive.” Good idea.
Here lives a family, for example, Dasha and Petya. Dasha loves Petya very much, but sometimes she dreams of crushing him into pieces and scattering him to the wind. For example, when Petya puts his socks on the nightstand. Or next to her. Or... In general, anywhere, just not in the laundry basket. Dasha has been trying for years to accustom Petya to order, he tries, but then again breaks into chaos... Dasha is sure that he is doing this on purpose, pushing her towards a divorce.
One day Dasha complained to her mother-in-law, saying that there was something wrong with Petya and the laundry basket, why was he avoiding her? The mother-in-law chuckled, saying that anger cannot be crushed with a slipper. And she revealed a little family secret: Petya’s dad actually “stores” his socks in the corner of the room where the dumbbells are collecting dust.
The father-in-law comes home from work, changes his clothes, takes off his socks and folds them into a neat “ghoul”, then takes them to the corner and places them next to the dumbbells. Of course, before Petya’s mother fought for her father, moved socks and dumbbells as a guide, created scandals and even threatened to go live with her mother. But one day I burst into tears from powerlessness, saying: “You’re tormenting me on purpose.” And the confused dad denied: he didn’t do it on purpose, he grew up with this - his father also left socks in the corner near the floor lamp. It’s easier to search in the morning this way, since it’s extremely important for men to be tied to a “point on the map”... And mom reconciled herself.
After the revelation about the sock “dynasty,” Dasha also felt better. You never know what habits people have had since childhood. She’s snacking on condensed milk and pickled cucumber: once Petya saw it, he was horrified, tried it, and spat. And Dasha laughed: she has respected this “delicacy” since her student days. Petya sighed: “I understand. I myself ate sausage with jam in the dorm.”
...Lev Nikolaevich, of course, would have covered his eyes with his beard in shame, having learned how his quote was “attached” to a sock story. Why be ashamed? He himself said “to understand everything”: everything means everything, and socks too. What difference does it make what kind of misunderstanding destroys love - as long as there is time to save the feeling.
The girl wondered for a long time whether everything could be understood and whether everything could be explained. Sloppiness is, frankly speaking, the little things in life. But, for example, how to “justify” a lie? Or treason? How can you “work” with them if resentment takes you by the throat?
What to do if you are too touchy and vulnerable?
It’s too early to talk about how to forgive a person, because if a deep resentment prevents you from doing this, you need to change your attitude towards the situation. Of course, there are no ideal people who have only positive character traits. But this is not a reason to refuse introspection and work on yourself. Remember that only leaving your comfort zone can give the desired result.
- Don't have high expectations for people. The offender will not be able to read your mind and understand exactly what you are feeling at the moment and how much offense he caused.
- Learn to clearly and openly formulate thoughts about your state of mind. Use only constructive criticism and be prepared for discussion.
- Don't ask for an unconditional agreement. Any refusal directed towards you should be taken for granted. It's normal for people to say no. Try to accept this and not expect too much.
- Realize that resentment is harming you. An offended person notices a decrease in performance, frequent headaches, excessive anxiety against the backdrop of a constant deterioration in mood. It is in your best interest to quickly let go of these feelings and enjoy life as before.
- Keep a diary of emotions. It needs to describe in detail everyday sensations, note mood swings and highlight the reasons that influenced the state of mind. This will make it much easier to find out the cause of the offense and find the right solution.
- Increase your physical activity. It has been scientifically proven that absolutely any sport can have a beneficial effect on your emotional state. Negative emotions find a way out when there is stress on the body. Also, during exercise, the level of oxytocin and dopamine, which are responsible for joy and good mood, increases.
Another from the word "friend"
The first rule in any difficult task is: if it’s unbearable, take a break. The girl took up sports, went to a dance studio, and skated with friends. I tried to fill every minute so as not to think about the once important person. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. She told a close friend, and she suddenly replied: “The story is very ugly, but it is not a tragedy. And in general, as long as everyone is alive and well, everything can be fixed. It’s like in a movie: before the credits roll, it’s too early to leave the theater.”
Our heroine wanted to be offended that her pain was not really appreciated, but... it suddenly seemed to her that everything was not so scary. In the end, he is worried too. And yes, of course, she went overboard with the drama. Then passions were in full swing, but now it’s even awkward.
And that evening she also thought that the important person, in general, had not done anything criminal. He did something she didn't approve of. Previously, he always obeyed and obeyed, but then suddenly he threw out a trick that became obvious from a secret one.
On a sleepless night, the girl suddenly thought that she, too, allowed herself things that another person would not approve of. She jumped with a parachute, although he begged her not to do so. I went with my girlfriends to the sea, but he was left without a vacation, he was bored and angry, but he didn’t reproach him with a word.
Closer to the morning, it seemed to the girl that he accepted her entirely, completely and put up with her shortcomings, without putting forward conditions. I think this is called love. Somewhere she heard a wise phrase: “To truly love someone means giving that person the right to be different from you.”
How to let go of the past and start a new life without resentment?
Heartbreaking and difficult feelings do not allow you to move forward and spoil relationships between people. How to forgive a person who hurt you if deep resentment prevents you from doing so:
- Understand that there is only “here and now.” There is no need to try to rewrite history and scroll through possible outcomes of events in your head. An unpleasant situation has already happened. Now all that is needed now is to find the right way out of it. Draw a conclusion and cross out the past if the relationship with the offender is important to you.
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The more you cultivate this feeling, the more it fills your mind. Accept what happened as an experience that was inevitable. Start looking at the problem objectively, and it will cease to be a source of pain for you.
- Give vent to your feelings. Any method that brings you moral satisfaction will be effective. Watching a postponed movie, meeting with old friends, changing the environment - all this will allow you to take your mind off reflection and self-flagellation.
- Find a common language with the offender. Of course, this cannot be simple by definition. But if both parties are open to dialogue and want to solve the problem, the chances of success increase significantly. The main thing is to avoid mutual accusations and reproaches. It is also necessary to put yourself in the place of another in order to find out the reasons for actions taken or words spoken. The conversation will gradually dot the i’s and give each of the parties to the conflict the opportunity to speak out.
- When speaking, use words that only refer to yourself. Constructions starting with the expressions “I feel”, “I want that”, “I feel bad if” will help you correctly formulate your emotions and accurately convey them to your interlocutor.
- If the conversation does not bring any results, and the person does not want to make contact, this is a serious reason to leave the relationship. Energy vampirism, which manifests itself in constantly causing offense and receiving satisfaction from it, will only cause you suffering. Don’t try to change such people, it’s impossible. The only correct solution would be to exclude communication.
- Do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist. If you feel that you cannot get out of a situation in which you are overwhelmed by a feeling of resentment, it would be useful to talk to a specialist. A professional will always listen and find a way to solve the problem. Remember that mental health is just as important as physical health. How hard you worked on yourself will help you avoid similar mistakes in the future.
- If you decide to forgive a person, then never remember this situation in the future. You need to understand that everyone has the right to a second chance, because all people make mistakes. Don't let resentment ruin your relationship just because of your hurt sense of self-importance. It is necessary to accept that in life there are different problems that require solutions. This is normal and natural.
The ability to forgive is the destiny of strong people. This requires mercy, since it is sometimes not easy to forgive a person, especially if a deep resentment sits deep inside and prevents you from doing so. First you need to decide: is there kindness in your heart that can restore trust? Is it expensive to communicate with the person who hurt you? Affirmative answers to these questions are already half the success.
Is it possible to find freedom through forgiveness?
The inability to quickly forget grievances is characteristic of people with low self-esteem, those who do not love themselves enough. Many people have been seething with anger for years at their husband or wife, at their parents or their children, at co-workers and neighbors. Confidence in one’s own rightness seems unshakable; one’s own actions and actions seem to be the only correct ones.
In order to assess your ability to forgive, you need to answer affirmatively or negatively to the following statements:
- Only the weak can forgive.
- They completely ruined my life.
- Their actions are unforgivable.
- I was a child when I was mentally traumatized and hurt.
- Others are wrong, but I am always right.
- I blame my parents (husband, wife) for what happened.
- The guarantee of my safety is refusal to forgive, resentment towards these people.
- I don't know how to overcome resentment.
If you agreed with at least part of these statements, then you know that forgiving is not as easy as it might seem. Without knowing how to learn to forgive insults, it is impossible to become a truly happy person. Yes, maybe someone did not behave well with you, however, this incident has long been completed and everything is a thing of the past. You should not think that you have recognized the correctness of the action of the person who offended you if you have forgiven your offender - this is a fundamentally wrong belief.
You need to understand the main thing - every time a person acts in the only way possible for himself. This was the maximum for him at that time, he simply could not do otherwise. It's not an easy statement to accept, is it? After all, you would have acted completely differently. However, taking into account his life experience, upbringing, existing knowledge, and the current situation, the person who offended you did not have the opportunity to act differently.
There is another important aspect here - someone who can easily offend another has himself had to endure childhood insults and face anger more than once. The psychology of family relationships claims that domestic tyrants are made from those boys (and sometimes girls) who had to suffer from their father in childhood, or they saw how he offended his mother.
An example could be an authoritarian mother who constantly humiliates her father, and then the girl transfers this model to her family, following her example by offending her own husband. Understanding this pattern, it is absolutely not necessary to give up your life to such people. We just need to remember that life could hurt our offenders.
This is what is called “accepting the situation.” This expression is often found in techniques that recommend how to overcome resentment. This way of thinking is the first step towards starting life with a clean slate, freeing yourself from anger at your offenders.
