What is gaslighting
Gaslighting is a word borrowed from the title of a play (Gaslight, 1938) used to describe a form of psychological abuse in which the aggressor tries to make his victim doubt the adequacy of his perception of the surrounding reality.
Gaslighting also refers to various types of manipulative behavior designed to make the victim appear abnormal, unbalanced, or mentally ill.
Gaslighting is a fairly common phenomenon in destructive, toxic relationships.
Manifestations of gaslighting in relationships
A woman, tired of her husband’s frequent deceptions, is sometimes ready to agree with her inadequacy, ignoring the next piece of evidence of her beloved’s infidelity, because he shouts to her:
You're crazy! You need to see a psychiatrist! You always suspect me of things I didn't do! Maybe it's time for you to go to the hospital?! They'll treat you well there!
A man is ready to label himself a domestic tyrant because his woman, for any reason, even insignificant, accuses him of unlove, cruelty, stinginess, malice, rudeness, selfishness, violence:
You never allow me anything! You would be glad if I sat at home all the time and didn’t see my friends. You dream of making me your slave!
And he stands there, rubbing his forehead in thought, replaying the last phrase he said in his head:
Just give it a little while
, begins to feel guilty, looking at the tears of his beloved, convincing himself that he is, indeed, a real monster, since he brought his woman to such a state, again...
Such psychological manipulations make the victim convenient for the aggressor: he becomes
- obedient
- a feeling of guilt is cultivated in her
- self-esteem decreases
- anxiety increases
- self-doubt grows
- doubts arise about one’s own adequacy, rationality, correctness of actions and decisions
The victim may also experience: loss, weakness, apathy, subdepressive states, depressive episodes, a sense of personal inferiority, lack of self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, deficits of love from loved ones and for oneself.
What if my partner is right?! What if I'm crazy?! Maybe I really need medical help?!
They are trying to turn people against you
Gaslighters are master manipulators.
They easily find people who will stand behind them and try to use them against you. These individuals will make comments like, “That person knows you are wrong,” or “That person also knows that you are no good.” Keep in mind that their statements sometimes have nothing to do with reality.
A gaslighter lies constantly. He uses such tactics to leave you at a loss, not knowing who to trust. As a result, such manipulation will again lead you to the gaslighter, which is what he, in fact, sought. Isolation gives him more control.
Why does your partner do this?
There can be many reasons. For example:
Educational model in one's own parental family.
Since childhood, the partner has only seen such a relationship between parents. Mutual accusations, demonstration of mistrust, hatred, dislike. But, despite all this, the parents continued to live together, or separated, but continued to communicate in the same way.
Such relationships become the norm for the child. Such relationships may even be beneficial for one or both partners. For example, the words of a young woman whose childhood was spent with a tough and authoritarian mother and a “quiet” father:
Men are lustful, lazy and irresponsible creatures. They need to be educated. My mother always told me this. If she had not taken her father into a tight grip, he would, like any man, sit, do nothing, and also walk and drink, like my grandfather in his time
Inadequate self-esteem
The partner himself has difficulties in perceiving himself as a person as a whole. At the expense of his partner, he regulates conflict zones in his own mental life. For example, a handsome and stately man has inadequate self-esteem, let’s assume that he has an inappropriately high self-esteem.
He finds himself a partner for a relationship. This is a modest girl with a dull appearance, but she is smart and self-sufficient, she has a desire to develop, climb the career ladder, and is respected by friends and colleagues. The young man has no such advantages, except for his appearance.
To assert himself, he begins to convince the girl of her inadequacy, jealousy, stupidity, and gullibility:
You think that everyone loves you, but in fact, they laugh behind your back because you are ugly, a gray mouse.
Of course, a self-sufficient girl comes out of this relationship, but it may turn out that she will take on the role of a victim and begin to believe her partner.
Experienced traumatic situations
The person has experienced violence, bullying, and suffered humiliation from parents, relatives or peers.
“Every victim dreams of becoming an aggressor,” and when the victim finds a loving partner who is ready to “heal” all the wounds, everything can go according to a scenario unexpected for the partner.
Emotional disorders
With such a diagnosis, you can live a full life, undergo a course of personal psychotherapy, maintain your mental health, take care of yourself, teach your partner the basics of effective interaction in a couple, explain the peculiarities of your behavior, what can provoke an inadequate reaction, and so on.
But, unfortunately, not everyone is ready to at least admit that there are some mental characteristics that require correction. For example, a person with passive-aggressive disorder, psychopathic tendencies, or narcissistic disorder may not even be aware of how his condition may affect his partner.
Dissatisfaction with yourself, relationships, life
When a person is dissatisfied with what is happening in his life, he is ready to look for ways out of current situations. However, not everyone has enough motivation and resources.
Somewhere you want to take care of yourself, feel sorry for yourself, somewhere you want to hope that everything will change for the better with the wave of a magic wand. But time passes and nothing changes.
Who can become that “punching bag”?! Close person. He will forgive because he has nowhere to go! One bad thing is that gaslighting can become a habit.
Ineffective ways of expressing one's own aggression.
They didn’t teach, didn’t explain, didn’t show, didn’t praise on time, didn’t support, so the accumulation of aggression inside became a habitual pattern of behavior. Aggression cannot accumulate forever, so affects periodically occur.
Admitting that you have problems expressing aggression and anger is difficult, but you need to justify yourself! What to do? Prove to the partner that he himself is to blame, he himself provokes, he himself “brings to sin”, he himself does everything possible to get aggression in return. Comfortable? Comfortable!
The desire to take a dominant and unshakable position in a couple’s relationship.
Here, most likely, the old installation received in childhood is in effect. Power in a relationship is a guarantee of the absence of pain and suffering.
You need to concentrate power over your partner in your hands, then you will be safe. Then you decide for yourself what is possible and what is not, what is right and what is not.
The desire to take a dominant and unshakable position in a couple's relationship
Here, most likely, the old installation received in childhood is in effect. Power in a relationship is a guarantee of the absence of pain and suffering. You need to concentrate power over your partner in your hands, then you will be safe. Then you decide for yourself what is possible and what is not, what is right and what is not.
How did the term “gaslighting” come about?
I have been a psychotherapist for twenty years, as well as a teacher, leadership coach, consultant, and fellow at the Woodhull Institute for Ethical Leadership, where I helped develop and provide training for women of all ages. And in all areas of work, I kept meeting strong, smart and successful women. Despite this, I kept hearing the same story - somehow these self-confident, highly accomplished women ended up in an incomprehensible, destructive relationship for them.
Although these women's friends and colleagues considered them competent and successful, they themselves began to perceive themselves as complete failures - for some unknown reason, they believed that they could not trust their own abilities or even their own perception of the world.
There was something sickeningly familiar in all these stories, and gradually I realized that such a story was repeated not only at my work, but also among my friends and in my own life. In each case, a seemingly strong and mature woman is in a relationship with a husband, lover, friend, colleague, boss, or family member that causes her to constantly question her perception of reality. Such doubts caused severe anxiety, confusion and deep depression.
What was happening in this relationship was all the more noticeable because in other areas of her life the woman seemed independent and confident. But there was always one special person with whom she had a close relationship, and whose approval she constantly tried to win, even as his treatment of her progressed from bad to terrible.
Finally, I was able to come up with a name for this painful phenomenon - “gaslight effect” or “gaslighting” after the old movie “Gaslight”. This classic 1944 film tells the story of Paula, a young and vulnerable singer (played by Ingrid Bergman) who marries Gregory, a seductive and mysterious older man (played by Charles Boyer).
Paula does not know that the husband she adores is trying to drive her crazy for the sake of her inheritance. He constantly tells her how sick and fragile she is, he rearranges things in the house and then claims that she was the one who rearranged them, worse, he manipulates the gas lighting so that she sees the light dim for no reason. Under the influence of her husband's diabolical machinations, Paula begins to believe that she has truly gone mad. Frightened and confused, she begins to behave on the verge of hysteria and truly becomes the unbalanced woman her husband describes. In this vicious circle, the more she doubts herself, the more reasons she gives for doubt.
She desperately seeks her husband's approval, dreams of him saying that he loves her, but he only continues to insist that she is crazy. The heroine begins to regain her sanity and self-confidence only when she realizes that the police inspector also sees the gas light going out.
In Gaslight, two roles in gaslighting relationships are evident. Gregory needs to seduce Paula to gain power and control over her, and Paula is only too happy to be seduced. She idealizes a strong and attractive man, and she wants to believe that he cares about her and will protect her. When he starts behaving badly, she doesn't want to blame him or change her mind about him, she would rather maintain her romanticized image of the perfect husband. Her lack of self-confidence and idealization of her husband create ideal ground for manipulation for him.
In “Gaslight” the husband has very specific selfish goals. He deliberately wants to drive his wife crazy and take over her property. In real life, gaslighters rarely make such diabolical plans, but that doesn't make the consequences of their behavior any less destructive.
From the gaslighter's point of view, he is only “protecting himself.” His ideas about himself are so distorted that he cannot tolerate the slightest doubt in his picture of the world. If he somehow explains the world around him, then you must agree with these explanations - otherwise, he will experience anxiety and try to get rid of it at your expense.
For example, you smiled at a guy at a party and it made your gaslighter feel uncomfortable. If he wasn't a gaslighter, he might have said, "Yeah, I'm jealous" or "I know you've done nothing wrong, honey, but it drives me crazy when I see you having fun with other men." He might admit that the reason for his discomfort was the situation itself or his personal insecurity. However, a gaslighter will never admit to his own jealousy, insecurity, or paranoia. He has his own answer ready for everything - you are behaving terribly, flirting, and that’s why he feels bad. And his own explanations are not enough for him - you must agree with them. If you don’t agree, then hours of anger, coldness, resentment, or nit-picking for any reason await you. (“I don’t understand why you don’t see how badly you treated me. Does it mean you don’t care about my feelings at all?”)
What to do? End the relationship? Or is it possible to change the situation?
Every person invests in any relationship:
- time
- spiritual and material resources
- attention
- support
- help
Therefore, it is sometimes impossible to answer the question clearly: leaving or staying in a relationship is sometimes impossible without a detailed study of the situation. Let's look at options using the examples described above, based on what causes gaslighting on the part of a partner.
Ineffective parenting behavior
If we consider the case of an ineffective model of parental behavior, then there is a high probability that the partner does not accept any other position of the relationship in the couple. He is convinced that he is right and that he has made the right choice.
However, do not forget that a partner may value relationships, love his family, and therefore a chance to establish the interaction that you would like to see. Here it would be helpful to consult a family psychologist who will help the partner see areas for growth, learn effective conflict-free communication, and consolidate ways to build an adequate dialogue.
Of course, all this will be possible if the partner himself wishes, since one can often hear the following response to a proposal to go to a family psychologist:
I'm fine! I'm not crazy! But you definitely need it!
The problem of inadequate self-esteem is solved through personal therapy. If a partner is ready to realize his own difficulties in self-perception, then his desire to change the situation and become more self-confident will play an important role in individual work with a specialist. This is not an easy path, and the support of a loved one will come in handy.
It’s good if loved ones also talk to a psychologist to get recommendations on how to help consolidate the positive result.
Consequences of psychological trauma
The consequences of experienced psychological trauma are a very difficult topic to discuss! Traumatization can cause irreparable harm to a person’s psycho-emotional state, so individual work in psychotherapy can take quite a long time.
It is important to understand how the experience affected your partner and how you can help. It is important to ask yourself many questions, not the least of which will be the question about your own resource. Are you ready to walk this path hand in hand? Do you have enough internal strength and patience? It is also better to resolve such issues together with a psychologist.
Emotional disorder
When it comes to an emotional disorder, it is important to understand that these are not just problems with mood or behavior, this is something much deeper, much older than your relationship.
This is something that has been living with your loved one for many years, something that appeared in his childhood, grew and developed with him. If all recommendations are followed, including drug treatment, the results can be very good. But, as discussed earlier, not every person is ready to admit to himself that he needs help and his condition affects all areas of his life, not just relationships.
Dissatisfaction with yourself
Dissatisfaction with yourself, relationships, life. Family consultation will help you find answers to pressing questions and understand your share of responsibility for what is happening. For example, try to imagine yourself in the shoes of each of the spouses who found themselves in this situation: the spouse had a chance to go to live in the USA.
He was offered a good job, but life circumstances were such that he had to stay. For example, a child is due to be born soon, and the flight is dangerous for the mother and fetus, or the spouse received an excellent offer before all the conditions were agreed upon with the husband.
Does he have the right to blame his wife for his failures, seeing that her career is going up, and he remains out of work? Does he have the right to endow her with non-existent qualities:
You're selfish! You always think only about yourself! You are cruel! You knew how important this work was to me, but you did everything. To ruin my career so that I depend on you!
Hurtful words? Still would! Does he have the right? Yes. How does the spouse feel? Is she ashamed? Maybe. Does she feel resentment or guilt? Very likely.
Does she have the right to do this? Yes. We have the right to feelings! For resentment, for guilt, for aggression! Another thing is important: how we deal with them! How do we approach the issue of personal responsibility?
Ineffective ways to express your own aggression
This is a fairly easily resolved issue. A professional psychologist will teach techniques for effective self-regulation, adequate expression of one’s own emotions, control over feelings and their manifestations.
The desire to take a dominant and unshakable position in a couple's relationship
The idea that power in a relationship is a guarantee of protection from pain and disappointment most likely also lies quite deep in the psyche. Either it was formed as an internal attitude as a result of observing the life of the parents, or it is a consequence of unhappy relationships in the past, those relationships that, for some reason, still force one to live with old grievances, old pain. Perhaps they are simply not fully experienced.
If we are talking about a partner’s desire to relieve himself of responsibility when breaking up, then you should not waste your resources on a person who is unworthy of you, and who is also not ready to bear responsibility for his own decisions!
Why are gaslighting techniques used?
The origins of psychological manipulation should be sought in the following intentions of the organizer of moral pressure:
- Joke
. It is quite difficult to call such behavior a worthy manifestation of humor. However, if it is episodic in nature, then you can forgive the joker. Usually, would-be experimenters make a person believe that he has experienced a temporary “lapse” in his memory. - Quarrelsomeness of character
. People who are harmful by nature like to constantly remind them that they remember past events better than others. Their repeated expressions “you just forgot” and “it’s better for me to know how it was” do not harm the people around them. - The desire to teach a lesson
. Gaslighting in a family often occurs due to the carelessness of one of the spouses. Men's socks, which have already become legendary, scattered throughout the home will infuriate any clean woman. In turn, the spouse is unlikely to be pleased with the cosmetics that are nestled on his business documents. In this case, to return order to the house, “heavy artillery” is turned on in the form of hiding the necessary items. Next time, each spouse will place the item in its proper place, so as not to spend hours looking for it. - The desire to subjugate the victim
. The very formulation of the problem already provides an answer to the manipulator’s task. The victim will always find someone who will suppress and control him. She will tolerate any insults directed at her, attributing everything to her own distorted vision of reality. - Criminal intent
. In this case, we will talk about criminal actions. They are usually activated for the purpose of material gain. Examples of gaslighting of this kind will not surprise anyone, because in order to take possession of a relative’s fortune, some people try to recognize him as incompetent.
Important! If gaslighting is carried out with the aim of preventing the cleanliness of the other half or as a good-natured joke, then you can only scold the organizer of the prank. Otherwise, his victim would benefit from the advice of a psychologist and even seeking help from law enforcement agencies.
Summary
The topic that we discussed in this article is very complex. In each case, you need to pay attention to individual characteristics, the situation, and the specifics of the relationship.
If you feel that your partner has taken an accusatory position, is manipulating you, cultivating feelings of guilt, you have begun to feel a loss of strength (moral and physical), if you are often in a depressed mood, you have begun to feel fear for your actions and deeds, you feel anxiety growing , uncertainty, anxiety, that is, a reason to turn to a psychologist to clarify the situation, understand what is happening in your life, find out whether you are a victim of gaslighting by your partner.
Take care of yourself! You are worthy of love and respect!
Author: Anna Mikhailova
How does it manifest itself?
Gaslighting is a long-term process. The manipulator can distort the facts for a long time and confidently and do his best to ensure that the victim stops trusting himself. Denying facts is a gaslighter's favorite technique. “That didn’t happen” or “I didn’t say that” are classic phrases from his everyday life. The gaslighter also likes to belittle the importance of the victim’s relatives and friends (“Why are you always listening to your stupid friend, she’s a complete idiot!”) and never takes her feelings seriously (“Why are you so angry about this little thing?”) .
Gaslighters persistently try to convince their victim that she is not herself: “You have become strange lately,” “Are you by any chance depressed?” “I think you need to see a psychiatrist.”
If the gaslighter feels that they are trying to expose him, he masterfully avoids constructive dialogue, shifting the focus of attention to the victim himself. Typical phrases from gaslighters: “I don’t want to talk about it” or “Why are you starting again?”
Often sociopaths and narcissists resort to gaslighting - people with whom it is almost impossible to build healthy, strong relationships. Methodical gaslighting leads to the following: first, the victim denies the manipulation (that is, she notices that the abuser is behaving strangely, but turns a blind eye to it and hopes that this will not happen again), then she begins to doubt herself and her perception of the situation (at this stage the victim may still try to defend his point of view), and then becomes convinced that his partner is right, finally losing faith in his own adequacy. The results of such psychological pressure can be the saddest - mental disorder, nervous breakdowns, depression and even suicide attempts.
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