Cheating is becoming commonplace in the modern world, and this is very sad. If earlier the institution of marriage or relationships dictated harsh conditions, according to which betrayal was punished in some way, now the relations of society as a whole have become more loyal. It is no longer a sin, and people have begun to view adultery as one part of a bunch of bad habits imposed by society. It seems like nothing bad will happen if your partner cheats. In fact, in each of the betrayals there are a lot of reasons that push a person to a temporary, momentary desire, which then turns into a snowball of problems.
Why does cheating happen?
Chronic dissatisfaction with basic needs.
Men and women equally need attention and affection. If there is no tenderness in a relationship, there may be a feeling that it is being used for domestic and sexual purposes. Tenderness is a manifestation of care and an indicator of attention for another person. When this does not happen in a relationship, a person begins to feel lonely and thinks that he is not loved. It is quite natural that the need to find a “close soul” arises.
Long absence of own home.
People begin to feel unsettled. This is aggravated if the family also constantly lacks funds for a normal existence. In such conditions, a woman does not feel support and protection from a man, and conflicts may arise. A man, in turn, does not perceive a woman as a “keeper of the hearth.” But these qualities are the “foundation” for building family relationships. A similar development of the situation is possible if there are several owners in the house (for example, a wife and mother-in-law, a husband and father-in-law).
The difference is in emotional dependence on the partner.
They usually say about such relationships: “One loves, the other allows himself to be loved.” This happens when one partner seeks greater intimacy than the other. Relationships become unbalanced because one partner expresses love more intensely than the other can handle. The boundaries of individuality, which are necessary to maintain psychological comfort, are violated.
Unmet expectations and attitudes.
Very often, when entering into a relationship, a person compares his spouse with some ideal image that would meet all his expectations. For a woman, this is an ideal father or a “good friend’s husband.” For men, this is the mother or wife of a friend. Such ideas about love do not allow you to accept your spouse as he is.
Also, the reason for conflicts and, as a consequence, leading to betrayal, may be some beliefs regarding married life. Such, for example, as: “A happy marriage is a marriage without difficulties, disagreements and stress”, “A prosperous family is a family without problems.” These are unrealistic beliefs. There will always be problems - this is the reality of our lives.
Domestic conflicts.
Everyday life can extinguish the most passionate and tender feelings. On the one hand, worries and hardships unite, but they can also cause a negative reaction towards the spouse. If there are too many of them, then over time this begins to lead to the accumulation of negative emotions, which are transferred to the relationship. There may be a desire to get “release” on the side. For a while, forget about your debt and obligations to your spouse.
Ultra-high need for attention and love.
We all want to be loved. We feel happier if we know that we are loved. But there are people for whom love becomes a drug. These people are ready to make any sacrifice for the sake of another person: obey, adapt, give up their opinions and needs. But they do not do all this disinterestedly. In response, they require constant confirmation of love and sympathy. Their thirst cannot be satisfied because they are looking for love outside, and not within themselves. In such cases, their partner creates a new relationship on the side, where the suffocating demands of the spouse do not have access.
"Hunter Syndrome"
It is inherent not only to men, as is commonly believed, but also to women. Such people easily cheat on their spouses. They give the impression of self-confident people, but in fact behind this lies anxiety and disbelief that they can build close relationships and be needed by someone. They need constant confirmation of their irresistibility and ability to evoke a response.
Fear of close relationships.
Singles can enjoy the company of a loved one, but only on the condition that it does not develop into something more. Close contact with another person, responsibilities and expectations can damage their comfortable psychological state. Most often, these are people who were deprived of attention and love from their parents in childhood. If such a person enters into a relationship, he may also have several parallel connections, because none of them can greatly disturb him. Marriage for such people is like a feat.
The difference is in the priority of values.
One of the partners cares more about intellectual, emotional and spiritual values, while the other cares about career, money, and power. Physiological - dissatisfaction with sex due to different needs of partners. Spouses, by nature or for other reasons, rarely experience sexual attraction to each other.
Age crises.
A crisis of the meaning of life usually occurs at 25−27, 35−38, 42−45, 52−56 years. During such periods, a person may experience a fear of aging or feel that he needs more warmth and attention.
Also, the cause of betrayal may be a crisis in your marriage. Crisis years for the family are 3, 7, 14, 21. Significant changes occur during these years: the birth of children, spouses leaving for different fields of activity, children growing up and leaving home, retirement, etc.
The essence of betrayal is the inability to fully discover and realize oneself in a relationship. The best way to maintain a strong marriage is true love, which involves trust and openness to each other.
Tags: psychology of relationships, marital relationships, family values, betrayal, crisis
Expert commentary
What should those who are looking for an answer to the question of how to forgive their wife’s infidelity need to remember? The advice of a psychologist can be very useful in this situation, because the main postulate is: you should always make your own decision, without succumbing to the pressure of public opinion.
It is necessary to distinguish between two things: formed sexual preferences with an orientation toward polygamous relationships and reliance on family values. In the first option, the man has to decide whether such a scenario suits him.
Cheating in the second case indicates a deep crisis in the couple. It becomes a certain logical sequence of specific actions that lead to real drama. A person most often follows the path of least resistance. Instead of solving the problem with his partner, he is looking for a replacement.
If a man understands the motives of a woman’s behavior, if he is ready to share responsibility for what is happening, the marriage can be saved. But through the end of old relationships that have completely outlived their usefulness. The best decision is to end marital communication and continue, if desired, friendly contacts.
The couple will face the difficult task of creating a new relationship at a different quality level, where the mistakes of the past will be taken into account. It is better to do this with the participation of a professional psychologist. This is the answer to the question of whether it is worth forgiving your wife’s infidelity.
Loss of trust
Confession will in no way add points to you, but, on the contrary, will shake confidence in you, because if betrayal was committed once, then what will prevent you from doing it again? In addition, you need to be well aware that with honesty you can cause a person much more pain than with silence.
You will ease your soul, but what to do with those doubts and complexes that settle in the soul of your partner?
Well, let's assume you were forgiven and no one abandoned you. But in this case it is still unknown which is better.
We are all different people, and it is unclear who reacts in stressful situations. Perhaps your partner would prefer to forget everything and move on with his life, but what if you are reminded every day, overtly and covertly, that you have failed?
This is especially offensive if the betrayal was truly accidental, and you are not going to repeat it. But even if you do, it’s still not very pleasant.
How to behave?
Advice on how to behave in case of betrayal differs depending on who cheated - a man or a woman.
So, men, keep in mind that what hurts your girlfriend much more is not your physical intimacy with a certain woman, but the situation in which you really fall in love with another .
But a man will simply become furious with the realization that his woman could enjoy intimacy with another representative of the stronger sex .
People who cheat, as a rule, experience a feeling of guilt, which can sometimes force them to confess to what they have done. But is it worth doing this?
The opinions of psychologists here differ radically. Some advise not to hide anything and confess, but only to do it extremely carefully and demonstrating sincere repentance.
Other experts unanimously say that you need to remain firmly silent, because betrayal could have happened completely by accident, but the chances that you will be forgiven are not so great.
After betrayal
There is one more situation that we have not considered separately - this is female revenge for an insult, inattention or male betrayal. Even a mature wife is capable of this, but what are the consequences of such a step?
