6 Signs You Have Unrealistic Expectations from Life

Surely you have heard of the phrase: “No one owes anyone anything.” Perhaps you yourself adhere to this philosophy. But think about it: if no one owes anyone anything, why do we expect something from someone? Why are we disappointed when something that should happen doesn't happen? The answer is: because expectations are an integral part of our lives, and it is difficult to imagine a society of people who are absolutely indifferent and uninterested in anyone or anything.

Expectation is the most probabilistic assessment of what will happen under conditions of uncertainty. Psychological expectation is based on our subjective assessments, and, as a rule, is associated with the fulfillment of desires.

The process of forming expectations is continuous due to the fact that it is directly related to the work of the brain, which stops only at the last moment, and it is very important to be able to manage your expectations, because their psychological impact is very great. This is due to the fact that when we expect something, our body produces the hormone dopamine - a stimulant of excitement and excitement (it is also called the hormone of joy, love or passion). This hormone is produced precisely when we expect to receive any positive emotions.

It is quite obvious that all people want to be happy, and all our expectations are related to improving living conditions, changes, the implementation of plans, the fulfillment of desires. However, sometimes we place too much on others, we expect things that do not depend on us and are partly impossible to fulfill. Let's look at examples of how to manage your expectations.

Symptoms of high expectations syndrome

Such expectations very often become clinical. A person constantly expects some actions from others in response to his merits (which are often understandable and necessary only to him). He also tends to be offended by the whole world if something goes better for others than for him. After all, where is the justice - he worked so much, but his neighbor got the money; I did so much for my children, but they strive in every possible way to get out of control and care; she prepares such pancakes and dumplings for her husband, and her friend, who is not at all friendly with cooking, receives flowers from her husband, etc. There is even such a pathology in psychology - the syndrome of inflated expectations. And you can recognize people who have been affected in some way by this disease by the following signs:

constant anxiety due to anticipation of the results of one’s plans and investments;
sleep disorders and rapid heartbeat, which appear due to being in constant stress of discrepancy between expectations and unfair reality;
sudden mood swings, which will depend on the gifts of fate and the behavior of a partner or loved one;
the need for total control over loved ones, the desire to lead their lives, to give advice, without sparing oneself and one’s own strengths;
excessive concentration on work, as a manifestation of one’s heroic efforts, which certainly should be rewarded by superiors;
excessive concentration on work, as a manifestation of one’s heroic efforts, which certainly should be rewarded by superiors;

True, with such an attitude towards loved ones, there is a high probability of losing friends and remaining completely alone. Because not everyone is ready to change in order to meet other people's ideals and live to achieve the goals of another person.

On the other hand, the person himself, who is so demanding of others, experiences great suffering and experiences real stress when his expectations are not fulfilled. He sincerely views them as a betrayal and is forced to live in a constant struggle with his negative emotions and stress. Such people also experience disappointment from their expectations in other areas besides relationships. All their goals, to put it mildly, look somewhat fantastic. They have no ceiling on ambition at all. They may see themselves as movie stars or TV presenters, strive for a fast and successful career, dream of getting rich quickly, etc. At the same time, they absolutely do not know how to objectively assess their abilities and capabilities, do not have a sense of purpose, and want everything at once. And of course, they are very disappointed when their expectations are not realized. It is very difficult for such individuals to live and enjoy life. After all, such a struggle with oneself and the constant conquest of “closed doors” does not give positive emotions. Having no basis for their dreams and expectations, they are in a state of constant stress, not knowing peace and always trying to subjugate the situation to themselves. But you need, in fact, nothing at all - to realize the reality of your goals, adjust them to your own life circumstances and outline a clear plan for achieving them. And of course, forget once and for all about all the sky-high dreams and benefits that, in their opinion, they rightly deserve.

How iterations were built

In my team, I followed the following approach to organizing iterations and meetings:

At the very beginning of implementing the methodology, we held a 2-hour session with all team members and the customer to create the maximum number of hypotheses for the product. All hypotheses were digitized and entered into a table; my team and I filled out columns H, A, D. As a result, each hypothesis was obtained in SMART format.
The next meeting was with the team and the tracker - he used different development techniques and helped by asking questions. Each hypothesis was rated for belief and complexity. At the same time, I added “Implementation time” to the estimate to count the team’s capacity for a week
We held a meeting every Friday to mark the completion of the current iteration and the start of the next one. At the meeting, we supplemented the table with insights and new hypotheses, shared the results of our work, and decided to scale up any hypotheses.

Problems from childhood

Most often, the position of incorrect expectation is the position of the child. At first he is taught that when you do something good for someone, you will be treated accordingly in return. However, no one explains that such a formula should not work in adult life. After all, in essence, adults are considered adults because they have the right to make their own decisions about how to behave and how to respond to certain actions. But what to do when a child has learned from childhood to please others and adapt to circumstances in the hope that this will make his life happier. This is one of the reasons for the later appearance of inflated expectations and unreasonable demands on the other half. Another format of upbringing is when a child received everything in abundance in childhood. His parents spared no effort in obtaining all the benefits for him, instilling in every possible way that he was the best and, accordingly, worthy of the best. So then such a grown-up child expects blessings and gifts from fate, increased attention to his person, anticipation of desires, etc. He was simply very comfortable with this as a child, and now he will readily entrust the role of his parents to his partner. And he will expect the same favors from him and solutions to all his problems. But no one warned the chosen one that he was not entering into an equal relationship where they sincerely love each other, but became forever obligated for the partner to fulfill all his whims and desires. It is also dangerous to set high standards for children in childhood. This is typical for parents with high expectations. It’s just that in the future these children will also treat their descendants, trying to make all decisions for them - from sports clubs, admission to a university and to choosing a couple. And any deviation will be tantamount to betrayal and bring pain to both participants in the relationship.

HADI tables

After formulating a hypothesis, team members rate the difficulty of its implementation and belief in success from 1 to 10. Everyone must justify their opinion. After all the ratings have been given, the table must be sorted by increasing difficulty and decreasing faith. As a result, those hypotheses that the team needs to work on will be at the top.

HADI is a tool for quick experiments on a project, and not for punishing the team

Table examples from the Carrot Quest case

Other reasons for idealism in life

What else can cause high expectations? Of course, examples from films and books . Where all relationships are built correctly and wisely. The heroine loves her partner and makes various concessions for him. And he, like a faithful knight, is also capable of great feats for her sake. And also add a huge amount of advertising showing stories of successful people, or TV shows that tell real life conflicts in which justice triumphs. Just don’t forget that in a movie, everyone knows their role and the entire script. And in life we can only be responsible for ourselves. This means that we can only set demands on ourselves. This means that expectations should be associated only with one’s own personal concepts, actions and deeds.

Women's expectations in relationships

Women's expectations in relationships deserve special words. Remember how in that joke: He invited her to dance, and she already mentally married him and gave birth to three children. Most often this is what happens in life. Roughly speaking, having agreed to dance, the girl has already planned out all the guy’s subsequent actions for the next couple of years: dating, proposal, wedding, children. There's just one thing she forgot to take into account: HE JUST INVITED HER TO DANCE. In life together, everything is more prosaic, but this does not make it much easier. Moreover, if a woman is already in a relationship, she already literally lays claim to her man, obliging him to fully meet her demands. She tries in every possible way to change him to a level that will make her happy. Completely forgetting at this moment that one must also take into account his criteria for happiness in a couple. Initially, partners come together so that they can feel good together. It’s clear that if a girl begins to devote her entire life to her beloved, she will want an appropriate return. But you can’t immediately take offense at your partner. Try to explain to him your vision of happiness, discuss the format of your relationship together, find out from each other what actions and behaviors would make your partner happy. Who knows, maybe you will have to change a lot to fit the desired image. In any case, it is important to understand that your loved one will not be able to endure constant dissatisfaction and reproaches for his attitude towards you for long. Just being around may be enough for him. And your desire to constantly prove your love may be completely alien. Moreover, using methods and methods that you have come up with for yourself. It's even more difficult if a woman loves her man more. She then begins to try to earn reciprocal love, often making big concessions, completely adjusting her life to another person. Many women are ready to quit their jobs, break ties with friends, and move to another city. And they do all this out of great love. But! But at the same time, they also expect a great feeling from the chosen one, which he simply cannot give them. In this case, their idealistic pictures of happy love are more like fairy tales and fantasies than reality. Having put on their rose-colored glasses, they absolutely do not want to objectively look at the cause of a bad relationship, blaming themselves first and then making demands on their partner. As a result, neither of the couple is happy. And here there will always be grievances, showdowns, quarrels and showdowns about who owes what to whom. Let us repeat once again, if you want some other relationship, talk about it with your partner. Not all men can read minds (let’s tell you a secret - no one can!), so if you intend to build happiness with this person, talk about your expectations and together make sure that real life brings pleasure to both.

“I want to change my life. But I don’t really believe that I will succeed.”

Amy acted on the expectation of “another bad date” rather than on the desire to “meet a cool guy.” I wish I could say that this is an isolated incident, but in more than 12 years of working as a psychologist, one of the things I heard most often was: “I want to change my life. But I don’t really believe that I will succeed.”

I've seen people stop fighting for their families, their health, their careers, and even their lives because they didn't think they could achieve what they wanted and therefore didn't even want to try..

Perhaps right now you want to somehow change your life, but you doubt that you will succeed and are inactive. When you don't follow your desires, you eliminate yourself from the game.

If you buy a lottery ticket, this does not mean that you will win, but if you do not buy it, you definitely will not win.

What, in essence, should you expect from others?

It is at least unreasonable to expect any action from someone. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand their thoughts and feelings. Why do you think your friend, for whom you have done so much in your life, did not rush to you at night to listen to you about another quarrel with your loved one? Or maybe personal happiness is more important to her? And she chose to stay with her boyfriend, rescheduling your conversation until the morning. And who can blame her for this? You? Has anyone ever asked you for help to the detriment of their own interests? I doubt. So it turns out that by choosing the path of sacrifice and pleasing others, you are making only your own choice. So leave it to others to also make decisions that are right in their opinion. Adults don't owe anyone anything. And even in relationships, in addition to global concepts - fidelity, betrayal, respect - no one should adapt to the other. If you do this, then it is your choice. And most likely you explain your actions and decisions with great love for your chosen one. This means, be honest to the end and give your love free of charge, without demanding anything in return and without creating illusions about reciprocal actions. Then you won’t have to be disappointed, and any beautiful steps of your partner will be joy and pleasure for you.

Stage 3

When at the first stage we compiled a list of expectations, we agreed that we would remove unprincipled and not very important requirements from there. This is an important note, because in all other expectations we really see and feel discomfort, which means it bothers us. Therefore, we still need to look for some way out of these problematic situations.

And here we also have to reformulate our expectations, only not into permissions, but into requirements, but subject to their clarity and reasonableness, precision and significance. This is what it looks like:

My girlfriend has to call me every day.

My girlfriend doesn't have to call me every day, but we should keep in touch, so two calls a week isn't that stressful.

I've been going to the pool for two months now and still haven't lost weight.

I've been going to the pool for two months now. Perhaps my body has a harder time coping with weight loss than others, and to do this I should exclude flour and sweets from my diet, because physical activity alone will not achieve results.

My colleagues at work don't like me.

Colleagues at work are ordinary people who have the right to their own opinion. If I treat them with respect, I will get the same back.

My wife nags me with or without reason.

The wife works hard and is tired, but if she yells or swears undeservedly, we need to discuss it.

Another rainy day...

It can't rain forever, I have to be patient - the weather doesn't depend on me. But I want to go for a walk in the sun.

This method will allow you to understand yourself and your problematic issues even better, but at this stage you should not decide to talk and make demands, because this is still a rather categorical step. But at the final stage you should begin to take action.

How to move away from expectations and become happy in reality

Letting go of your dreams and expectations and changing your attitude towards others is very difficult. But probably. And for this you should try to make some adjustments to your attitude towards life:

first of all, grow up and objectively look at the world around you and your loved ones;
realize that empty expectations do not always bring happiness to both you and those with whom you associate them;
strive to set real goals in life and gradually move towards achieving them, without expecting help from others or gifts from fate;
do not compare yourself and your partner with others, learn to see the good in every person;
objectively evaluate your actions in relationships - starting from their nature and expectations of return;
accept the fact that all your actions are your choice, and your partner’s duty to you is his choice and his perception of the relationship;
restore inner harmony, forget about grievances and start living in pleasure.

Help from a psychologist to change your expectations

The whole problem is that having changed their partner, people with high expectations do not change themselves at all. As a result, in the next relationship they step on the same rake. Someone let them down again, didn’t help, didn’t do anything. And such a gap between reality and expectations ends for them with the pain of disappointment and a feeling of uselessness and undervaluation. At the same time, many live in such emotions, moving from relationship to relationship, essentially wasting their lives on empty grievances and negative emotions. It is better for such people to seek help from psychologists who begin their work with an awareness of reality. Their main task is to teach you to accept another person as he is. And not the way I would like him to be in someone’s expectations. Along the way, you work through your own desires and actions, and give a truthful assessment of your behavior and your decisions. A psychologist helps you understand your true desires and aspirations, your concepts of happiness and satisfaction from life or relationships. In this case, a complete immersion into the world of another person necessarily occurs. The specialist teaches him to see his values and life priorities, understand the nature of his feelings, and evaluate his capabilities and limitations. As a result, you will be able to accept a person with his pros and cons, learn to love and appreciate him for simply being in your life. Very often, the road to understanding oneself and reality requires great emotional experiences. After all, many people spend their entire lives focused on these expectations. And you will have to reconsider your goals and look for new life priorities and supports. In addition, often such delving into oneself makes one see not very joyful moments. Someone understands that in pursuit of an illusory, idealistic family happiness, they have completely lost love, while for others it will be painful to realize that they were accepted around only because of pleasing and sacrifice. In any case, returning to the point of truth allows you to rethink your life and change it for the better. And the sooner you decide to make such changes, the more time you have to gain pleasure and joy from everyday life with full acceptance of your environment and your awareness of your importance to loved ones. Such a rethinking of your views on life and the abandonment of unrealistic expectations also allows you to finally stop the series of constant disappointments and insults, and will help you transform from an eternally offended and dissatisfied neurasthenic with everything into a harmonious person with a positive attitude towards the world and others. And this is the only way to become happy - by loving yourself as you are, accepting others with their views, concepts and habits, giving your attention free of charge, making your own choices and allowing others to also make decisions on their own. Love yourself and respect others, appreciate the choice of every person, make your own real plans and do not rely on others, go to your happiness, realistically assessing yourself and those around you.

How to work with development cycles?

I will not dive into the psychological side of the issue and understand different models of development management. Instead, I will analyze the communication component of teamwork and look for answers to two questions:

Why am I waiting for one thing and the team is doing something else?
Why do we understand the problem in the same way, but we cannot solve it?

The key concept for analyzing errors is communication.
How are we used to working in teams? The classic development cycle looks like this: invent, develop, measure the result. The length of these cycles is from 1 week to 4 weeks in Agile. In such conditions, there is no time left for communication between team members - we are all in a hurry to implement the planned tasks. And everything would be fine, but why does part of the work go to the table?

To effectively work on a project and interact with the team, it is important to answer the following questions:

What will be beneficial and what will not?
How to prioritize the backlog, how to set tasks to work on?
What should I do?

And the logical step in any development methodology is to venture into the world of backlog prioritization. How to do this - use the RICE technique? Or ICE? What if our product is just being created and we really don’t know anything?