10 reasons why some people fail in life

A counterdependent person wants a relationship, but very often behaves as if he doesn’t need anyone.

Not every partner will want to delve into the rich inner world of a counterdependent person: some will prefer to pack up their things and seek happiness elsewhere.

Expert of the BelNovosti network publication Olga Romaniv, a psychologist, tells more.

Arguments

Society rejects some people because they are different from others, that is, they stand out because of their individuality.
Society does not accept people who are not ready to live by the laws of society and violate generally accepted norms and rules.
Society rarely forgives people whose views contradict those of society. For this reason, some people are often rejected by society.
Society rejects those people who dare to reveal the ugly truth to it and criticize the existing way of life.
If a person does not fit social standards, then he is rejected by society.
People who are overly proud and selfish are rejected by society.

They lack communication skills

“You can easily judge a man’s character by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Losers, as a rule, have no social status.

They also often say things like, “Well, at least I'm honest.” They don't know how to treat other people and are usually very arrogant, for no apparent reason.

Nobody likes braggarts or people who don't know how to simply say "thank you" when given a compliment. All these traits are unworthy and do not at all contribute to increasing social status.

Being polite to people you like and being polite to people you can't stand or always disagree with is character. The ability to talk to people is a skill that only a few have mastered. As has already been said, the best way to know a person's character is to observe how he behaves when he has stood in a very long line and at the end is faced with very poor service.

Epithets for the word society

Joint-stock, secret, higher, secular, human, Russian, open, civil, new, geographical, modern, female, royal, pleasant, decent, local, Russian, charitable, Soviet, American, London, scientific, any, insurance, historical, masculine, refined, civilized, closed, small, large, Western, international, good, other, brilliant, bourgeois, English, democratic, local, whole, Moscow, ideal, communist, post-industrial, best, literary, all, own, rest, traditional, necessary, socialist, numerous, German, ladies', free, French, cheerful, industrial, organized, public, fair, European, unfair, capitalist, reliable, deceitful, heterogeneous, motley, high society, noisy, random, dubious, refined, conservative, advanced, uncultured, unpleasant, selective, fashionable, emigration, high-class, evangelical, Christian, decent (obsolete), diverse (obsolete), riotous, standardized, worthy.

Epithets for the word people

Aggressive, gambling, neat, passive, cheerful, cheerful, intelligent, energetic, smart, hardworking, lazy, independent, sociable, ambitious, careless, artistic, stupid, strong-willed, businesslike, greedy, generous, soulless, weak-willed, brave, daring, caring, sincere, reliable, responsible, mean, simple-minded, jealous, independent, strong, stupid, fake, selfish, arrogant, insecure, hateful, irresistible, irreplaceable, righteous, simple-minded, careful, gifted, talented, honest, deceitful, modest, charming, decisive, athletic, fat, thin, sensible, well-read, young, old, educated, illiterate, cultured, dirty, hospitable, disciplined, erudite, shy, arrogant, correct, insightful, adventurous, warm-hearted, incorruptible, ambitious, diplomatic, unsurpassed, sweet-voiced, disarming, selflessly hardworking, explosive, prominent, mysterious, enthusiastic, skilled, super popular, smiling, righteous, purposeful, impressionable, quick-witted, freedom-loving, incorruptible, temperamental, mischievous, witty.

Arguments from literature

M. Gorky “Old Woman Izergil”. In any society there are laws and rules that must be followed by all its members. Society is unable to understand those people who neglect generally accepted norms and violate them; it ignores such people and does not accept them. To prove this idea, let us give an example from fiction. One of the first romantic stories by Maxim Gorky is “The Old Woman Izergil.” The first part of the work introduces the reader to Larra. This is a young man born of a girl from a proud eagle. Once upon a time, the king of birds stole the most beautiful girl of the tribe and took her to the mountains, where she became his wife. Twenty years later, when the eagle died, the girl returned, withered and exhausted, to her native tribe, but not alone, but with her son. The young man was young, handsome, strong and proud. His cold eyes betrayed him as the son of an eagle. Raised high in the mountains free and free, Larra did not recognize human laws. He lived the way he wanted. One day he approached the girl and hugged her, and she pushed the young man away because she was afraid of her father. Then Larra mercilessly killed her in front of the whole tribe. The elders could not allow him to go unpunished. For a long time they thought about how to teach the daring young man a lesson and decided that the punishment was in him. This is his pride. They expelled the young man from the tribe. No one wanted to communicate with him, no one had the right to help him or kill him. At first Larra laughed at the decision of the elders, but then such a life became unbearable torment for the young man. He wanted to die, but even death passed him by. Many years passed, Larra turned into a shadow, but still walked around the world. Having not once accepted the laws of the tribe and not wanting to live by them, he doomed himself to loneliness.
A.P. Platonov "Yushka". It has long been known that society does not like those who are different from everyone else and have a pronounced individuality. Such people rarely “say goodbye” and are accepted by society. To prove this statement, let us turn to works of fiction. A.P. Platonov in the story “Yushka” paints the image of a quiet, modest person. He was called Efim, but everyone, young and old, called him Yushka. He worked as a blacksmith's assistant. His work is not visible to outsiders, but it was very important. Every morning Yushka went to the forge, and in the evening he was the last to leave it. This was repeated day after day, so people set their watches by it. He wore the same clothes all year round, so they almost turned into rags. He never bought sugar, his table was modest. A kind, warm-hearted, understanding hero had a rare gift: he knew how to love people, nature, and the world around him. He sincerely forgave both children and adults who, seeing him, threw earth, stones, sticks or branches at his back. Everyone was capable of offending him, insulting him, hitting him. But Yushka never showed anger towards people, never responded to insults. According to adults, he was a flawed person, abnormal, unable to live, so they frightened naughty children with him, saying that they would be like Yushka if they did not listen to adults. The hero was not like the others. Therefore, his dissimilarity irritated not only adults, but also children. It was as if he was superfluous, a burden to everyone. Misunderstood by people, he remained unaccepted by society.
A.S. Griboyedov "Woe from Wit". Comedy “Woe from Wit” by A.S. Griboedova convinces readers that society does not accept people who have different views that differ from public ones. The conflict in the work is based on the clash of views of Chatsky and Famus society. Chatsky is a leading man of his time. He was the son of Famusov's late friend, grew up in his house, studied and was raised together with Sophia. The hero is an educated man, is engaged in literature, served, and then went abroad for three years. When he returned, he discovered the same vulgarity and emptiness in the life of society from which he fled three years ago. Everything that is dear to Famus society is unacceptable to Chatsky. He angrily opposes serfdom and serfdom, believes that every person has the right to his personal beliefs, thoughts, and views. Chatsky does not understand the desire of the Famus society to serve individuals; he does not consider service as a source of personal benefits. He judges people by their personal qualities and merits. He is irritated by the flattery, hypocrisy, and despotism of the conservative circles of the nobility. The Famusov society is staunch supporters of serfdom. They speak with delight about the times of Catherine II; this is the best time for them. The goal of their life is career, wealth, high position in society. They go any way to achieve these goals. In Famus society, nepotism and patronage flourish, thanks to which they build their careers. Serfs in this society are not considered people, and schools and boarding schools are spoken of as breeding grounds for evil. The heroes cannot come to a compromise; neither side is ready to give up their beliefs. Thus, Chatsky, having progressive views and a different vision of the social structure, was not understood and accepted by Famus society.
M. Yu. Lermontov “Prophet”. Poem by M.Yu. Lermontov's "Prophet" tells not only about the fate of a creative person, his relationship with the crowd, but also helps to understand what becomes the reason why society rejects some people. The lyrical hero appears before readers in the image of a prophet endowed with God's gift. He speaks openly about love and proclaims the truth. But the truth is rarely loved; more often they want to hide it, disguise it, hide it, or even kill it. People do not want to hear about their weaknesses and vices, so the attempts of the lyrical hero-prophet to preach did not find understanding from society, but ended in condemnation, criticism and contempt. “All my neighbors madly threw stones at me,” says the hero. Life in society becomes impossible for him: he is not understood, rejected by society, ridiculed and persecuted. The lyrical hero becomes an outcast. He, having sprinkled ashes on his head, “fled from the cities” into the desert, where animals obey him, where he feels unity with nature. There, in the lap of nature, alone with God, he feels happy. When he has to make his way through noisy cities, the elders, pointing at him, say to the children: “He was proud, he did not get along with us.” They laugh at the fact that the poet wanted to assure society that “God speaks through his mouth.” The lyrical hero becomes a negative example for children. The poet, talking about his life, conveys to readers the idea that people who dare to speak the truth, not hide the vices and sins of society, but talk about them, become outcasts and are not accepted by society.
A.S. Pushkin "Eugene Onegin". Each of us, of course, is familiar with the novel in verse by A.S. Pushkin “Eugene Onegin”, named by V.G. Belinsky "encyclopedia of Russian life". Indeed, in the novel you can find everything that concerns the life of the Russian people, as well as the relations between society and its various representatives. The main character of the novel is Eugene Onegin, a young nobleman who grew up and was brought up in a secular society. He is a real dandy and rake. His whole life is a kaleidoscope of social entertainment, trips to the theater and restaurant. By the age of twenty-six, he was tired of city life, therefore, remaining the rightful heir to enormous wealth after the death of his uncle, Onegin settled in the village. Out of boredom, he decided to “establish a new order”: replace the old corvee with a light quitrent. Seeing this, provincial society unanimously decided that “he is a most dangerous eccentric.” At first, neighboring landowners came to him to meet and make friends, but Onegin avoided meeting them. As soon as the horns were heard, he was immediately given a stallion on the back porch, on which he hid from the annoying neighbors. Village society, according to Onegin, was not entirely suitable for him, who had recently moved in the highest society of St. Petersburg. Offended by this attitude, the provincial landowners soon turned away from the hero, ended their friendship with him, calling him an ignoramus and a pharmacist, and also reproaching him for the fact that he “doesn’t approach ladies’ hands, doesn’t say yes, sir, no, sir, but yes and no. This attitude towards neighbors, disregard for their friendship, and the norms of behavior accepted among village landowners pushed Eugene Onegin away from society. He remained misunderstood and lonely, not accepted by his neighbors.
A.I. Kuprin "Olesya". How often prejudices formed by society destroy the destinies of people, making them “black sheep”, outcasts. The famous Russian writer A.I. writes about misunderstanding on the part of society and non-acceptance of some people. Kuprin in the story "Olesya". The author tells the story of a beautiful girl Olesya. She is not like other girls, she had some special nobility and grace, although she was not of noble birth at all. Olesya was sensitive, tactful, and sincere. She was a good listener, had a vivid imagination, and loved learning new things. The girl lived with her grandmother Manuilikha in Polesie, near a swamp behind the Irinovsky Way. Five years ago they were expelled from the village because the old woman knew how to tell fortunes, look for treasures and heal people. She was blamed for all the troubles that happened in the village. Fellow villagers believed that even one look from a witch brings complete misfortune. For this reason, Manuilikha moved beyond the Irinovsky Way with her granddaughter. Over the course of five years of living in the forest, Olesya turned from a teenager into a beautiful, kind, sensitive girl, whom Ivan Timofeevich met one day, having gotten lost in those places. The young people fell in love with each other. Olesya considered herself a real witch; it seemed that she knew how to understand the language of nature, birds and animals. She is very brave and determined. The girl rarely visited the village, but for the sake of her loved one, Olesya decided to cross the threshold of the church, from where, after the service, she was expelled with shame and insults, and the girl was even stoned. Olesya, unable to bear it, shouts out words of curse. That same evening there was a strong thunderstorm that broke people's lives, and again the evil witch Manuilikha was blamed for this. A defenseless old woman and her granddaughter had to flee their homes to save their lives. They could not justify themselves in any way, because gossip, once born, turned into prejudice, which ruined the lives of two innocent creatures, made them outcasts only because they were not like everyone else.
N.V. Gogol "The Overcoat". Among the works of art that prove that society turns away from people who are not like other representatives of society, but stand out for their spiritual qualities and moral guidelines, one can include the story by N.V. Gogol's "The Overcoat". The main character of the work is Akaki Akakievich Bashmachkin. He is a simple, harmless, unresponsive man, an “eternal titular adviser” in one of the St. Petersburg departments. At work, he rewrites papers, as he has beautiful handwriting. He has remained faithful to his work for many years. Modest, responsible, bashful, he was not like the bureaucratic society in which he served, so he was not understood and not accepted. Akaki Akakievich cannot respond to rudeness with rudeness, insult a person, humiliate him, or yell at him. And in a soulless, callous, mercantile society, you need to be able to be a predator, a shark, in order to defend your rights and protect yourself. You need to be able to fight back. But there was not a single trait in Bashmachkin’s character that could bring him closer to St. Petersburg society. He was a gentle, quiet, warm-hearted man. People laughed at him, humiliated him, called him names. He considered all people to be brothers and sincerely did not understand how one could offend his brother, cause him mental trauma, and his colleagues did not even consider it necessary to greet him in the morning, they silently brought papers and slipped them under his nose. This dissimilarity of the hero from society is so obvious that it made him lonely, since society did not accept him.

Arguments from life

A bad, selfish character becomes the reason for the individual’s rejection by society, because no one wants to communicate with a person who has an evil disposition, thinks only about himself, and considers others to be something like garbage. For some time now I have been observing the following picture. A young mother and her three-year-old daughter go to the playground every day. The girl is active, capricious, it is clear that she is used to getting her way by screaming and crying, and the mother indulges her daughter in everything. They go out without toys, lightly, and the girl, accustomed to not being denied anything at home, behaves in the same way on the street. She can approach any child and unceremoniously take away his toy or even a bicycle. If she doesn’t achieve what she wants, then she runs screaming and crying to complain to her mother, who rushes like a hen to her daughter’s defense. A young mother can easily insult someone else’s child, yell at him, and blame him for the fact that her daughter was offended. You can constantly hear her screams, arguments, and rude words on the set. Even in front of the child, she behaves disgustingly and rudely. Several times I watched other mothers try to explain something to her, to figure everything out calmly and peacefully, but they ran into a wall of misunderstanding. Now I see them more and more often together with the girl on the playground. As soon as they go for a walk with their daughter, other mothers and children collect their things and go to the park for a walk, fortunately it is not far from home, or they move to the area in front of the neighboring house. And the selfish mother has to entertain her daughter herself, who is capricious because she is bored without her peers. So rudeness and aggression push people away from society and make them outcasts.

Why do some people try to avoid close relationships?

There are not many options for a person to develop counterdependence. These are childhood traumas that most often result in violence or cruelty towards the child. This also includes violence that a child observes.

The second option is a violation of attachment: a lack of tactile contact with the mother, which may be completely absent or minimized. This contributes to the fact that, as an adult, a person tries to avoid emotional intimacy with other people to the detriment of his relationships.

Arguments from folk wisdom

“Don’t swing a stone at the world,” says the Uzbek proverb. It says that society cannot be threatened with a stone, since it is stronger than one person.
“As people put on a hat, so do you,” says the Russian proverb. She advises to always act as is accepted in society, not to go against, so as not to become outcasts. If people wear hats, then we should do the same.
“Human’s curse is worse than God’s,” says an Ossetian proverb. The curse of society, people believe, is worse than God's curse.
“If the world does not put up with you, put up with the world,” says a Tajik proverb. It says that society is stronger than one person, and if it does not put up with an individual, then that person needs to put up with society.
“A thousand people point a finger, and you will die without illness,” says an Arabic proverb. She claims that the anger and condemnation of society is so strong that if a thousand people point a finger at a person, the person will die of illness.
“If you despise people, they will despise you,” says the proverb. She notes that society will not understand or accept a person who despises people without wanting to do anything to understand others.
“If you find yourself in a pack of wolves, you howl like a wolf,” says the Russian people in a proverb. He advises to behave in society in such a way as not to look like a “black sheep”, to know, observe and honor all the laws and traditions of society.
“Walk with people and you won’t get lost,” advises a Russian proverb. It says that a person who keeps pace with society will never get lost.
“If you arrive in a country and see that everyone there is blind, become blind yourself,” says the Armenian proverb. It says that you need to comply with the laws of the society in which you live. If all people are blind, then a person should close his eyes so as not to stand out.
“When you swim along a river, follow its bends; when you enter a house, follow its customs,” says a Vietnamese proverb. She advises, when sailing along a river, to take into account its bends, and when entering someone else’s house, to take into account its customs.

Signs of counterdependency (how to detect it in yourself)

You are experiencing problems in relationships with the opposite sex.
You are afraid to get so close to your partner that you don’t become dependent on him.
You are afraid of control, you want to be yourself and not have anyone interfere with you in this.
More than once you have heard criticism from your partner that you don’t need anyone.
You feel the need to always be right and the desire to constantly criticize inappropriately and out of place. Love to argue and prove that you are right.
You don’t like asking for help and don’t like asking at all, you consider it humiliation.
You are afraid to seem weak, even when it comes to a loved one.
You place high demands on yourself and other people.
You feel angry and angry when someone does something differently than you would like.
You are a workaholic, you love to work, you overload yourself with things - this applies not only to work, but also to household chores, where you must do everything yourself, otherwise others will only ruin everything.
You don't know how to relax. This also applies to the body - you are always toned, concentrated, tight.
Often say “no” to something new, and do it quite emotionally, sometimes unreasonably. “No” to something new is your first reaction to any change.

Aphorisms

“The first problem of parents is to teach their children how to behave in polite society; the second is to find this decent society,” said the American magician and humorist Robert Orben. He argued that good parents have two problems. The first is to teach children how to behave in a decent society, and the second is to find such a society.
“Society often forgives the criminal. But not a dreamer,” said the famous English writer and poet Oscar Wilde. He believed that society does not forgive dreamers and romantics. It is more likely to forgive a criminal than such people.
“You shouldn’t rely on public opinion. This is not a lighthouse, but will-o’-the-wisp,” said the French writer Andre Maurois. He said that it is not worth listening to public opinion, since it is changeable, not at all like a lighthouse, but rather like will-o’-the-wisps.
“We are unable to ignore the contempt of others: we have too little pride,” wrote the French writer, moralist and philosopher Luc Vauvenargues. In his opinion, people rarely neglect the contempt of others, since they do not have enough strength or self-esteem to do so.
“A person becomes a person only among people,” said Johannes Robert Becher, a German writer. In his opinion, a person becomes like a person only among people. Alone, he has no opportunity to socialize.
“Society is a capricious creature, disposed towards those who indulge its whims, and not at all towards those who contribute to its development,” said the Russian writer Viktor Gavrilovich Krotov. He believed that society favors those who indulge its whims, and not those who contribute to its development. This makes it look like a capricious creature.
“No matter how rich and luxurious the inner life of a person is, no matter how hot the spring it flows outside and no matter how waves it pours over the edge, it is not complete if it does not assimilate into its content the interests of the world outside of it, society and humanity.” , wrote the famous literary critic Vissarion Grigorievich Belinsky. He argued that a person’s inner world cannot be considered complete if there is no place in it for the interests of the outside world and humanity.
“Society is always in a conspiracy against a person. Conformity is considered a virtue; self-confidence is a sin. Society loves not man and life, but names and customs,” said the American poet, essayist and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson. In his opinion, society does not love a person, but traditions and names. It can call conformism, that is, opportunism, acceptance of the existing order, a virtue, and self-confidence a sin.
“Anyone who tries to leave the common herd becomes a public enemy. Why, pray tell?” wrote the Italian poet Francesco Petrarca. He rightly wondered why a person who tries to break out of the general herd or stand out in some way becomes a public enemy.
“There is no more bitter and humiliating dependence than dependence on human will, on the arbitrariness of one’s equals,” believed the Russian philosopher Nikolai Aleksandrovich Berdyaev. He said that the most bitter and humiliating dependence is dependence on the arbitrariness and will of people who are equal to oneself.
“I am not upset if people do not understand me, I am upset if I do not understand people,” said Confucius. According to the ancient Chinese thinker and philosopher, one should be upset not when people do not understand a person, but when a person does not understand people.

What to do if you yourself suffer from counter-dependency, how to deal with it?

Contact a psychologist to solve your problems. Understand that life around you is not as simple as you sometimes think. Yes, you are used to doing everything on your own, you are a strong personality, you are great.

But next to you there is another person who, despite all the strength of your character, is trying to love you, and you sometimes make his life unbearable.

It is very difficult to overcome the craving for “me myself” - not every man can withstand such independence in a woman, but the one who can withstand it can definitely be erected a monument.

And this man will not necessarily be considered a “weakling” or “henpecked” - he will be a very wise and loving man.

In addition, we can recommend the book by American psychologists Berry K. and Janed B. Weinhold, “Flight from Intimacy. Freeing your relationship from counterdependency." This book has been translated into Russian.