We have already written about a situation when the husband himself wants to leave. What should you do if you have decided on an imminent divorce, but on different terms - make sure your husband leaves ? That is, not just collect his things and throw him out the door, but encourage the man to take the initiative in the divorce ? How to make your husband leave on his own? Beautiful and Successful can give advice in this difficult life situation!
How to explain to your husband that you really want a divorce?
Don’t yell, don’t cry, hide all your violent emotions and talk to your husband - explain why you don’t see the point in further family life and why it’s not you, but your husband who should leave.
Just let it be a real conversation, and not a quarrel with hysterics and throwing all possible dirt at each other - this will reach the man much better! But tears and screams may not be taken seriously by them at all.
Further actions (if the husband did not immediately begin to pack his things and look for a new place of residence):
- Refuse to fulfill your marital duty . At all! Even if I’m very used to it, and even if I really want to, there are no “last goodbyes.” We are all designed in such a way that intimate intimacy can create a feeling of love and peace in our souls - albeit deceptive and not for long. So, if you decide to make your husband leave, be consistent in your actions - so he will understand that he doesn’t need you even for this!
- Try to live as if your husband is no longer here (or as if he is something like a neighbor in a communal apartment). Prepare food only for yourself, wash only your own clothes, go to bed in another room. Invite your friends (or lovers? J) to visit, go somewhere yourself - let your rejected husband see that you have a rich, interesting life without him.
And again – a minimum of scandals and emotions ! A man must understand that this is not a momentary bad mood, but serious intentions!
How does a man feel after a divorce?
It’s just that society doesn’t prohibit women from crying, complaining to friends, or discussing their experiences on a forum. When a divorced man does the same, it causes a reaction of rejection. So, after a divorce, a man is often forced to worry about everything within himself, without taking his thoughts and feelings out.
How do men feel after divorce? Pain, disappointment, a sense of loss, fear that a mistake had been made, bitterness over wasted years. Divorce is such a global change in life that does not pass without leaving a trace on the human psyche and the human soul. Moreover, it has been proven that men experience divorce much more acutely and difficultly than women. Without the opportunity to cry and speak out, they push their feelings deep into the subconscious. And since these feelings are entirely negative and unpleasant, they can result in physical illness, and sometimes even lead to thoughts of suicide.
The risk of the disease after divorce increases by a third for both men and women. In the post-divorce period, people turn to psychologists and psychotherapists six times more often. Men are three times more likely to bring themselves to nervous and psychological exhaustion than women, and they are also much more likely to attempt suicide.
Despite the fact that, at a superficial level, women are more motivated to preserve their marriage, upon deeper study of the issue, it turns out that men experience divorce much more difficult than women.
The general adaptation period after divorce can last 1-2 years, for some people it reaches four years. And this is where another common mistake awaits men. It is believed that developing a new relationship too quickly after a divorce is fraught with additional psychological trauma. And it often happens that a man feels that he cannot bear loneliness. Women on their own, without reading smart books or tips from psychologists, often take time out from relationships for several months or even years. During this time, they come to their senses, get rid of the burden of problems of the past, and approach the start of a new relationship freed from negative emotions.
Men behave exactly the opposite. Having not yet cooled down from the previous relationship, without licking their wounds, they rush into a new relationship, as if into a pool headlong. Due to a more acute feeling of loneliness, about which there is no one to talk, a man takes drastic steps in trying to find a new partner. Often they even hastily marry the first lady who comes along, just so as not to be left alone with their grief.
We have discussed only general answers to the question of how a man feels after a divorce. But there are also individual characteristics in the manifestation of experiences in the period after the breakup of a family.
Roughly speaking, the behavior of men after a divorce can be divided into three types.
The first type of men takes a militant-hating position. They do everything to complicate the life of their ex-wife. Sometimes they warn in advance that their spouse’s life will turn into hell if she decides to leave. It is difficult to imagine how a man feels who is ready to waste energy fighting a woman. It seems that these feelings are far from sublime.
The second type of men readily accepts divorce as it comes. They do not try to be friends with their ex-wife or fight with her. With their heads down and disappointment in love and marriage, they go into independent life. And, by the way, such men are much more likely to maintain normal human relationships with their ex-wife, children, former mutual friends and relatives.
And finally, the third type of men are those men whom pre-divorce preparation enlivens and stimulates. Before the divorce, they suddenly begin to feel love more keenly, they understand how much they need their wife. However, it is often too late to change something. Such men can do everything possible and impossible to restore the relationship. This tactic only works if the woman has even the slightest doubt that she wants a divorce. In many situations, this does not help a man get his wife back. After all, any divorce is a process that lasts for years. There are no accidental divorces. Every divorce takes years or even decades to prepare. Usually, relatives or friends only see the end credits of this event. And even if a couple’s divorce comes as a surprise to them, for the spouses themselves this is, as a rule, a long-worn decision.
The described three types of male behavior can mix and intersect in the most bizarre ways. Sometimes a man rushes between a hostile strategy and attempts to get his ex-wife back, but ends up with a peace agreement and acceptance of the situation. In general, it does not matter what strategy of behavior a particular man chooses after a divorce. In any case, he experiences the divorce procedure itself, as a rule, much more painfully than a woman. Even if outwardly he remains completely calm.
Source: How a man feels after a divorce How a man experiences a divorce, what men usually feel after a divorce https://www.allwomens.ru/5556-chto-chuvstvuet-muzhchina-posle-razvoda.html
Actions that will definitely make your husband not leave
Guided by simple logic, women often come to the conclusion that the only way to get their husband to leave is to make his married life very, very unpleasant . The idea is not entirely wrong - if a man feels bad, he leaves.
But not all actions are perceived by men as a requirement to get out of the way!
Ineffective tactical maneuvers:
- Scandals and hysterics with lei. If you organize such performances once a week, and then put up with it and continue living until a new misunderstanding, this can drag on for many years. This cannot be called a harmonious relationship, but the husband will get used to it and stop taking such moments seriously. And the wife will soon begin to say all this “on autopilot”, no longer believing that her husband will really leave (and maybe not wanting him to leave?).
- Petty mischief. Specially over-salted soup, a shirt burnt by an iron, morning showdowns so that the husband is late for work and gets screwed by his boss... You really want to do such petty dirty tricks at every turn if resentment for a failed marriage is boiling in your soul. But there is little effect - this is how children behave, not wise women! And the husband will scream and be offended, but will not understand what exactly the wife wants to express by this.
- Blackmail. “Either you leave, or I... will cause problems at work, invite my mother to live with us, buy myself a fur coat for your entire stash - I will turn your life into hell!” Blackmailing someone is generally wrong and immoral. And if a man really doesn’t want to leave, he will also accept the terms of blackmail. And no divorce will work out, and additional problems will surely begin.
Why husbands leave the family at strictly defined periods of life
Psychologists say that there are three periods in a man’s life when he is inclined to leave his family.
Photo: EAST NEWS
This question torments many abandoned wives. Men explain everything as a routine. But this sounds somehow unconvincing. But there is one pattern - the age of prodigal husbands. Most often, they part with their family and start a new one around 30, around 40 - 45 and 50 years old.
Psychologist and sexologist Inna Chori claims that these are critical years for men. At these three ages, some of them have a strong desire for change. But if your husband is dear to you, you can prevent his departure, the psychologist is sure.
28 – 32 years
Stop liking skinny people
Irina and Evgeniy got married when they were both 23 years old. At 25, Ira gave birth to her first child, and at 28, her second child. She stayed at home with the children and didn’t go out; Zhenya worked a lot. And he made very good money. When the youngest turned one year old, Zhenya packed his things and, saying that he would support the children, went to live with his parents. He came once a week, bringing food and money. And he left again.
Eh, Irina didn’t know what the psychologist told her later at the training - at about thirty men’s erotic views can radically change. Instead of brunettes, they begin to like blondes, instead of skinny ones - plump ones. And his proposal to gain weight (lose weight), change your color, change your clothing style should be taken very seriously. Listen to wishes and agree to changes.
- Exactly, he asked several times: “Ira, maybe you can grow your hair?” Maybe you should change your hair color? A light one would suit you... Let's go buy you a dress...” I didn’t pay attention: short hair is more convenient, but a dress is uncomfortable when you’re walking with two kids, jeans are much more practical, Ira later recalled.
She heeded the coaching advice. The gray crew cut on her head was replaced in a few months by a still short, but already blond bob, dresses with a neckline, the right bras and moderate heels were purchased. In general, it blossomed. I called recently and shared: my husband is back, everything is fine.
By the way, you will have to change at least outwardly for the rest of your life in order to deceive male polygamy.
“Men, they are designed like this: I changed my dress and shoes - it’s something else, I changed my hairstyle, I switched on the playful mood - that’s it, a new woman in his house,” the coach assures.
35 - 45 years
I'm still damn young!
At this age, a man re-evaluates what he has achieved.
“The first signs of this condition are that a man changes his behavior,” says the psychologist. “He starts to look younger, updates his wardrobe and perfume, and starts listening to different music in the car. Casanova's syndrome kicked in. It is now important for a man to prove that he is still very, very good in every sense! And his wife, unlike other ladies, no longer looks at him with admiration... Do not miss this call under any circumstances! Get young with him! Spend all your free time with him, don’t leave him alone. If you don’t want to lose your man, agree to his erotic fantasies, or even role-playing games. And keep in mind - almost no man is able to leave the family if his wife does not let him go!
Here are my friends - Misha and Lena. At the age of forty, Misha - a financier, a respectable family man and the father of two children - suddenly became interested in a work colleague, a young and cheerful young lady. And he told his wife Lena during a family dinner with cutlets: that’s it, I’m leaving, I’m tired! And he even slammed his fist on the table.
At the age of 35-45, a man begins to look younger, updates his wardrobe and tries to prove his worth to himself and others.
Photo: GLOBAL LOOK PRESS
But he didn't leave. There is no second apartment, but Lena did not kick her out of the existing one. She looked at him with longing and grieved for a good year. And then suddenly I started organizing my personal life. And I got so carried away that Misha later told me:
- It’s like they replaced her. Laughs all the time. I used to walk around the house in a robe, and if I needed to go to the store, I would wear sweatpants and sneakers. Now I'm always on parade. She likes someone...
In general, Misha is worried now. Looking for opportunities to “start over” with the new Lena. And Lena thinks whether she needs the old Misha.
Over 45
What about talking?
This age is the simplest from a psychological point of view. The children have grown up and the nest is empty. It’s time to strike a balance, understand what you have achieved, because even if your career moves forward, it will be at a crawl, not like it was at thirty.
— At this age, sex is no longer in the first place for men. Spiritual intimacy is more important to them. And if the wife has become family, if she has become a friend, the man most likely will not leave her, even if he is in love with a young woman. It’s scary to lose stability, domestic and psychological as well. But if kinship is not achieved, alas, the man does not see the point in such a family, explains Inna.
What if a wife finds out about cheating at this age? I saw a couple of acquaintances like this on vacation. Valya read her lover’s message while Sergei was taking a shower. It was early summer, in Cyprus, on the day of the 25th anniversary of marriage - such a marriage that everyone seemed indestructible. I cried for a month and wore sunglasses, hiding the circles under my eyes. He hovered around like a moth: “Valyusha, maybe some water? Valyusha, maybe I should give you an umbrella, ultraviolet radiation is so harmful!”
- It’s too late for me to care about youthful skin! - she said sarcastically in response.
At the age of “over 45”, spiritual intimacy is more important for men than sex.
Photo: GLOBAL LOOK PRESS
A couple of months have passed. Valya underwent a course of psychotherapy - she was taught how to forgive her husband. The marriage seems ideal again on the surface. After all, Valya still loves Sergei. Sergei has become silky, rushes home after work, promises to take him to Cuba next spring.
In general, indeed, in all couples where the man did leave the family, there was a moment: the wife herself let go. And those wives who returned the prodigal to the family understood that if she got married, she went on the warpath. And the wealthier and more successful the husband, the tougher the war will be.
READERS' OPINIONS
This material has already collected more than 1,500 responses on our website. Here are some of them.
Tatiana:
I have a similar situation. The husband approached the first milestone. Gone. He hasn't lived for a month now. He says he can't be with me. Hard. She says I have to change. At the same time, he doesn’t want to work on himself, his complaints are only against me. I also don’t like a lot of things, to which he told me: I got married, so be patient.
Georgy:
It was generally accepted that men change after marriage, there is no courtship, flowers, sweets, movies and theaters, etc. I think that the point is often not in the man, the point is that the woman herself begins to consider all this nonsense and a stupid waste of money, oh which is what he tells his husband. The program point is completed, the box is ticked as a stamp in the passport, we move on to another point, career, children, apartment, dacha, car... And then surprise and tears, he left for someone else or he doesn’t pay attention to me at all. Don’t change yourself, remain a bride, and your husband will be the same, he will look after you and give flowers!
Simple Russian man:
To prevent a man from wanting to leave a woman, two factors must be met:
1) A man must marry her BY HIS ardent DESIRE (and not by hers).
2) A woman should not get on a man’s nerves.
And all other factors (the presence or absence of an attractive appearance, the ability or inability to run a household, the presence or absence of children, etc.) do not matter to a man and cannot deter him.
Yaroslav, 29 years old:
I approached the first line. It can be hard at times. A lot has changed, goals, views, tastes. I have a car, an apartment, a good job. We live normally. I often spoil my children and wife. But my wife became cold towards me. He says that he loves me and cannot live without me, but there is less and less intimacy. It's a shame, all sorts of bad thoughts come to mind. Often depressed, fear appeared. You can't get rid of thoughts so easily. She is young and beautiful. The hostess is excellent. Of course, I value her because I love her. But without intimacy, it’s hard to be married. I feel something is wrong. And what? What to do next? Pretend everything is fine? Just hang in there and see what happens? But this is a lie! And lying to yourself and your family is the last thing.
Marta:
Men have recently been positioned in various women's programs as brainless domestic animals that women must endlessly please, come up with something to keep them, interest them, etc. And what about the men themselves? Rarely do any of them fight for their woman; they believe that since she married him and has children, then she will not go anywhere.
Guest:
She lived with her husband for 30 years. Conclusions: 1. Everyone changes, everyone, believe me. 2. If you want to leave, there’s nothing you can do to stop him, but, as a rule (according to statistics), women are the first to file for divorce, and by the way, they often regret it later. 3. Why change for soap, your own is already dear, and a new one will come - a stranger, you still need to get used to him, and will he find a common language with the children (if there are any). 4. Who said it would be easy? Family is daily work, if you don’t learn to maneuver, not notice, forgive, endure, you will live alone, and whoever likes what, let him choose for himself.
Masha:
I wonder why it’s always the woman who has to do everything?.. I’ve been married for almost 40 years and now I don’t understand what I liked about him then? But I still love my husband, we are already like family, and I don’t understand how I could leave him! And men at 30, 40, 50, etc... leave anyway, if only there was a reason! Either I wanted to be younger, or something else didn’t suit me. When I was 30 years old, I started having virtual crushes, but it all happened before my eyes, in the same company, so I was able to stop it all! You know how, I just made all his friends fall in love with me! And he showed his love in all its glory! And he understood everything very quickly! And on my 25th wedding anniversary he said that I was the best... in every way! So know how to stand up for yourself!
Lapulya:
My dear one began to cheat on me at 33 with a young woman (even as a child - she was 23). I cried, begged him to come to his senses - but no... He deceived her, said that he had abandoned her, I, naturally, believed. And then I pulled myself together, began to take care of myself and... found myself a lover 7 years younger. The husband walks on his hind legs - no matter how you look at it, they feel it.
Let's discuss!
Why do husbands come back after leaving?
Let’s say right away that men are more consistent in this regard than women. A woman can leave and come back a hundred times; most men leave forever. But 30% still return to their previous families. Why is this happening? Let's look at the main reasons.
Habit. Many men, having started a new life, carry over old habits into it, which are inappropriate in a new place and with a new partner. Gradually, everything bad about the former wife and the former life is smoothed out in the memory and a desire appears to return to the usual way of life, in which everything was clear and simple to the point of automatism. Therefore, they return to wives who are bad in some ways, but know how much to put in tea and are simple and predictable in everything.
Change of world view. Some men leave to get rid of some problems in the family, but after living alone they begin to understand that family problems are not at all a greater evil than complete loneliness. There is an understanding that even a non-ideal family is better than none, which becomes the reason for returning.
Men often start drinking alcohol after a divorce, women drink more during marriage.
Reconciliation. Yes, sometimes men leave to punish their wife, to show her how bad it will be without him, or simply during a quarrel in a fit of anger. In such cases, having calmed down, the spouses usually agree to reconciliation and the husband returns.
Is it worth putting up with if your husband returns?
After her husband leaves, a woman may be overcome by different feelings, but most often it is resentment and the desire, no matter what, to return her husband and restore her. If the husband returns, then most women forgive and accept everything, even if he was clearly wrong. This is where it’s worth thinking about, is this return really necessary?
About half of women and 30% of men remain angry at their ex even 10 years after their divorce.
In a situation where the husband first leaves and then returns, without much effort on the part of the woman, you need to ask yourself a few questions:
- Am I ready to change to become what my husband wants?
- Do I really love him or is it pity, habit, sense of ownership, etc.?
- If my husband returns because they are used to me, then do I need such a husband, or should I look for new fresh experiences?
- If the husband left for another and returned, then won’t he go to the third, and then to the fourth? Do I need such comings and goings?
If, after thinking about it, it seems that it’s still worth giving a second chance to both him and yourself, then you can try. At the same time, we must remember that a second chance is a second, if a man leaves again, then there is definitely no need to revive such a relationship.
Women's myths about a man leaving the family
Very often, women find it difficult to accept reality and they come up with, on their own or with the help of girlfriends and magazines, reasons why their husbands leave them and create other myths for themselves related to the departure of a man. More often than not, these are far from reality.
Men need freedom. It is easy for a woman to believe that her husband simply loves freedom, and that family responsibilities oppressed him. The woman accuses the man of not wanting to be responsible for the family and only wanting to hang out with friends and have affairs. In fact, it is a rare man who would exchange a comfortable and well-fed stay with a caring wife for the unbridled fun of hungry bachelor nights. Most often, he has another woman who is more caring and more able to provide comfort. But it is difficult for a woman to admit her own failure.
Men get over breakups easily. If from the outside it seems that he is having fun with friends, then in most cases it only seems so. Men also find it difficult to cope with the collapse of their usual life and it is also difficult for them to part, they just don’t cry on their girlfriend’s shoulder, but try to pretend that everything is fine. In fact, it’s difficult for him too.
According to statistics, marriages in which the man and woman share household responsibilities in half are much more likely to break up. Marriages are much stronger where the woman takes care of everyday life.
After a breakup, it is easy for a man to find a new girlfriend. Most women are sure that as soon as their husband leaves the house, he turns into a desired trophy for insidious hunters. In fact, not many girls will want a relationship with a man who literally half an hour ago left his wife and, most likely, will return to her. And a man is unlikely to be in the mood for love after a difficult breakup.
There is no need to invent myths and live in captivity of illusions, you need to soberly assess the situation and understand why the man left, how can he be returned and is it necessary to do this?
Why did he leave? Real reasons.
Now let’s talk about why men actually leave their families. Let's look at the situation from their side.
For most divorces, there is a lot of conflict, bitterness and betrayal, recriminations, failure to cooperate, remarriage, or leaving one parent to the other. All this destroys the child’s psyche. He feels abandoned and betrayed.
Children often get into trouble with school, drugs, drugs, gangs or cults, or other problems. If a father lives in the home but does not have a close relationship with his child, he does not pay attention and does not show love, the psychological consequences for the child are as bad as when the father leaves home.
You stopped being interesting to him
Perhaps sexually, maybe as an interlocutor. The rule that a woman should be “a little smarter than a monkey” does not work in serious, and especially in marriage, relationships. You must be smart enough, but not smarter than him. Sexual compatibility is also important; without a harmonious “bed” relationship, a marriage will collapse even faster.
One thing we can predict when boys are born is that they will make babies. But how they behave after the birth of a child is more likely a cultural result and depends primarily on how society tells them what it means to be a man and a father. When society sends the message: We don't care what you do with your children, most mothers stay, but many fathers leave.
If we, as a society, disagreed with the absence of fathers, our attitude towards divorce or single mothers deciding to have children would be different. This has changed a bit because with the advent of the next generation, people are becoming increasingly aware of the detrimental effects of absent fathers - both on society and on the individual. This direction is determined by mass culture.
Incompatibility of characters
“They don’t get along” is the most common reason given in divorce applications. Differences in temperament, attitude to life, habits: all this inevitably leads to a break.
Your intemperance
Don't confuse intemperance with unpredictability. If you were often unable to remain silent and fiercely defended your point of view, could yell at him over trifles, take out your bad mood on him, then don’t be surprised why your man left the family.
The whole idea is based on violence, predation and competition. Young boys are not taught in their home, their environment, their religion, that this concept of masculinity is false. What has made this image of a “real man” today? The rich turn their faith in God and moral values into money in faith.
We have more and more personal freedoms, philosophies that de-emphasize family obligations, and we are becoming an increasingly individualistic society. Nobody wants to sacrifice others? Not for any moral idea more important than their own self. He said: Well, we really don't know much, because most of them are quite young, they don't take care of themselves, they don't eat right, they don't have close and warm contacts, so this is not the strategy of wise people, even if they boast about many victims Unfortunately, for many of them this is the only way to prove that they are men, because they are no longer taught.
In the past, your behavior was quite "easy"
Only men are forgiven for frequent changes of partners and “mistakes of youth.” Women's behavior of this kind is condemned by society. And for men, public opinion is incredibly important, although they will never admit it. So, it is quite possible that, having learned about your stormy pre-marital life, he will leave.
Why do men need so much to prove their masculinity? This is very awkward for a man and makes him feel anxious about his sexual identity. This uncertainty requires continuous “checking”. Unfortunately, many boys receive the message from society, and often from their fathers, that wife beating proves one's strength. Violence is attractive to men because they are naturally inclined to be aggressive. Therefore, if society does not support the desired image of a man and a father, then only this primitive side of male identity develops.
You blame all your problems on him.
Of course, your husband should support you in difficult situations. But if all your communication comes down to your constant complaints and whining, then sooner or later he will get bored with it.
You let yourself go
It is always necessary that the social message be that selfishness, lack of responsibility and violence is not the right way to express masculinity. The point is that we must teach them to understand themselves and allow some of their masculine nature to pierce the surface. Therefore, if we want boys to grow up to be good husbands and good fathers, we must pay more attention to their upbringing.
Today we have stopped educating boys, we are teaching them something opposite in addition to being flirtatious. The assumption that a person who is lucky enough to get everything he wants is happy is simply not true. We must definitely get back to teaching boys how to behave in a civilized and responsible manner. It is difficult to understand the reasons why women stay with abusive people.
Don't think that it was enough for him to like you at the very beginning of your relationship. Do you think that if he fell in love with you when you were a slender and well-groomed beauty, he will not stop loving you, even if your weight approaches the number “100”, and the set of clothes is limited to shapeless chlamys? Continue to be mistaken. Until the moment he leaves you for a seductive young lady who does not disdain visiting the gym and beauty salons.
And yet many women do not become “those types,” although acts of violence are repeated and intensified. Violence is not only serious physical injury, rescue mission, it also alienates family and friends, lives in constant fear, intimidates children, receives the right to a decent life, repeated police calls, death threats.
