My husband is very hot-tempered. How to find an approach to your husband or change your attitude towards the situation?

Good afternoon, Yulia!

To answer you how to find an approach to this person, you need to know the causes of conflicts and relationships in your parents’ families.

Your husband is very hot-tempered and, in any conflict, withdraws into himself and remains silent until you decide to approach him first. How does this happen? And hot-tempered and withdrawn? Maybe he is trying to get away from the conflict and keep quiet, think, but you don’t stop and he “explodes” so that you still leave him alone? Or will he flare up first and then fall silent? That is, who is the provocateur?

Quote: “He is self-sufficient, he earned his living, we have a marriage contract, after which everyone will remain with their own property.” Do you work? Maybe you are afraid that you will be left alone and have nothing to live on? Then you are in a dependent relationship, at least financially.

I understand that you want children, but how will they feel in such an atmosphere?

It is also necessary to work through the situation due to which you have difficulties with children.

Quote: “This is both my fault and his.” Your body may have its own plans for the birth of offspring.

Quote: “There was a very strong conflict.” Have you exhausted it or is it just somewhere deep inside? Maybe it's him?

Quote: “But literally yesterday I was sent, and now I don’t know whether he will communicate with me upon arrival from a business trip or not, accordingly, taking these medications becomes pointless, since there is no intimacy.” Do you want children for him or for yourself? If you separate, do you not want children?

Quote: “What to do in such a situation, every day is like a powder keg?” How then to give birth to children?

Quote: “He does not tolerate comments in his direction, it should only be as he said and nothing, he has an opinion and it is correct... He always has such an answer. I feel like I’m just losing myself with him, I’m becoming complex and I’m starting to regret it, because if we weren’t together, this operation might not have happened, which caused a very serious injury and if it weren’t for the help of doctors, it would have been fatal. When he moves away from his outbursts of anger, he talks about love and that he will not give it to anyone, etc. How to find an approach to a person? And at the same time not be guilty all your life and get kicked? By my nature, I can be annoying in terms of clarifying problems, it’s easier for him to remain silent, but I can’t, I need dialogue, my husband considers this brain-dead.” You need to work on yourself, your character was developed over 28 years, and it was formed from habits. Change your habits, your character will change, your character will change, your destiny will change. This is a process and not a quick one, give yourself time for this, at least a year. And it’s better to work with a specialist; don’t waste time arguing with your husband. The problems are in your head, and he simply helps you realize them.

Quote: “In terms of finances, bed, there are no problems.” That is, you have your own personal income and you have no doubt that there will be sex upon arrival?

I have no doubt that your husband also contributes to the discord of the relationship, but you can only work with someone who is ready. If he doesn't mind, go to a psychologist together.

Best regards, Margarita!

I would be grateful for your feedback

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Exercise No. 2.

Here you will need two sheets. Divide each of them vertically into two columns. In the first column of the first sheet, write down all the character traits and personal qualities that you don’t like about yourself and that you want to get rid of. Now put this sheet aside and take the second one. In the first column, write down all your good qualities and character strengths, as well as the qualities that you would like to acquire.

Now comes the fun part. Opposite each negative quality, in the second column write a situation in which this character trait can be useful. On the second sheet, on the contrary, for each positive quality, come up with (and maybe even remember) a situation in which this quality would be harmful. You'll see, this is a very exciting activity.

So what's this all about? Every adult realizes that everything in the world is relative, and that correct self-esteem is not deliberately excessively high, but adequate. With the help of the first exercise, we learned how “good, white and fluffy” we really are. The second exercise made it possible to understand that those qualities that we so want to have can sometimes play a cruel joke. But those qualities that we possess, and which we consider bad, can help in certain situations.

A few more tips to help change your attitude towards yourself for the better.

Look into the “mirror” from the first exercise more often.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you feel sorry for yourself, you thereby confirm that you are helpless and unable to cope with difficulties. Remember: you have the right to make mistakes, but at the same time take responsibility for yourself - be objective.
Keep a success journal. Write down every victory and every achievement in any area of your life in this journal and re-read it from time to time.
Plan things. This will protect you from “hopeless” situations.
If you fail at something, think it over carefully and try to find your advantages even in the current situation. The advantages found will help you benefit, save you from depression and support your self-esteem.

How to learn to see opportunities in failures?

Photo: Depositphotos

Not every person has the natural ability to see opportunities in failures. But the good news is that it can be developed, like any other skill.

Take an active life position

Try to avoid being a victim of circumstances. This is the position of passive people who “go with the flow.”

Remember: those who participate in processes and events have more opportunities to influence the situation.

Set specific goals

There is a principle: moderate stress allows you to properly tune your brain and protect you from more severe stress. When we set goals, we step out of our usual comfort zone and make extra efforts. At this time, the brain solves specific problems and will not allow you to go into negativity, even if some expectations were not met.

Stop blaming others for your failures

Sometimes you want to find the extreme in your failures. But in this case, you shift responsibility for your life and the events in it to him. This is a passive position that deprives you of the opportunity to influence circumstances.

Well, to be honest, everything we have at the moment is the result of our past actions or inaction.

Do what you like

When you enjoy something, it’s easier to solve problems, set ambitious goals and cope with stress. A favorite activity lifts your spirits and energizes you. It is these qualities that increase the level of stress resistance.

Remember: thoughts are material

This is not esoteric. It's simple: if a person perceives what is happening in black terms, he does not believe in his own strength. And therefore he makes efforts in the wrong places or does nothing at all.

In a positive mood, it is easier to go through trial and error. Therefore, do not forget: success largely depends on thoughts. And try to maintain an even emotional mood.

Pass your thoughts through three key filters

When you are overwhelmed by a wave of negativity, remember this simple exercise - pass a bad thought through three key filters:

This is true?
Is this a benevolent thought?
Is this helpful/advisable for me?

More often than not, the situation turns out to be not as bad as our wild imagination portrays.

Don't be afraid of criticism

Nobody likes criticism. Even if a person wants to get an impartial opinion, in his heart he hopes that he will be praised.

Don't be afraid of being criticized. This can only mean two things:

They want to teach you, help you, suggest you - it is illogical to be offended by help;
The critic is trying to cover up his shortcomings and does it at your expense - you shouldn’t waste your life energy on such people at all.

Don't dwell on failures

The only thing worse than a negative attitude is dwelling on failures. If you notice such a weakness in yourself, use your willpower - fight it consciously:

Stop all internal dialogues;
Don’t even think about looking for scandalous publications on a sore subject;
Switch your attention to any other things, preferably to new tasks.

Over time, you will learn to easily shift your focus from failures to constructive ideas.