How to build a new relationship after divorce – Family and children

People come and go. That's the way it is. In search of an ideal relationship, a person comes together, tries, savors. If insurmountable obstacles arise, the person leaves or is abandoned. And here he is, free, looking for new romantic adventures. And everything starts all over again. Is it so easy to start a new relationship? Accept another person and trust him completely? No, it's difficult. But difficulties are given in order to cope with them. And so, we are preparing for a new relationship.

Take out old dirty linen in public

Before you let a new person into your life, you need to let go of the old. Relationships that have outlived their usefulness and ended long ago are not worth attention and constant thoughts. Gifts once given by a loved one, even they are not worth collecting dust in the house. Women will say - memory. No, not a memory, but a reminder. Stored things that once again remind you of another, the past, a person are unnecessary ballast.

Read about how to overcome codependency in a relationship and what to do next.

They remind you of warm and intimate moments (perhaps that’s why they are stored). They also remind you of the pain associated with the breakup, grievances and mistakes. This is absolutely not something you need to bring into a new relationship. A new connection requires the creation of new memories, new symbols of love. If the old love is no longer there, what are the old symbols for? This applies not only to toys, pendants and other trinkets. Everything must be taken away - painful memories, constant analysis and search for the reasons for the separation. It has already happened. We need to let go. Otherwise, the new will not find a worthy place either in thoughts or in the heart.

How to start a new relationship after divorce

It takes a long time before a divorced woman decides to trust a man again. But we must always remember that the past must be left behind and lessons learned from it. You shouldn’t spend years analyzing the past and dwelling on past mistakes. You shouldn’t invent other endings to a broken relationship, endlessly tormenting yourself with thoughts about what would have happened if... In this case, you continue to live an illusory life, while real life passes you by.

You must learn to leave the past on the shelf and move on with a new leaf. To do this, remember the following:

Everything passes, all the wounds that are causing you pain now heal. A few years will pass and the memories of this separation will no longer bring you pain. Therefore, you should not prolong the suffering; on the contrary, try to reduce this time by force of will.
Do not consider that you are doomed to loneliness, even if this is not your first breakup. On the contrary, thank fate for the fact that you have become strong, cynical, wise, for the lessons. Any new relationship enriches you.
Don't wait for a new relationship, start preparing for it. Take care of your appearance and your development, pay attention to your children, come up with a new hobby, enjoy freedom.

Try not to think during this period of your life. In most cases, women at such moments are not capable of rational thinking. All their thoughts lie in the area of emotions, the future looks tragic and hopeless.

Try not to think about your ex-husband. Better take some time for yourself. Remember that your spouse is not thinking about you at all now, so why give him emotional support? Your story has already reached its end, so throw it away and forget it.

As practice shows, women after divorce take one of two positions. In the first case, a woman decides that “all men are assholes” or gives up on herself due to low self-esteem. In another case, a woman strives at all costs to prove to those around her and her ex-husband that she is in demand and goes to great lengths. Both of these positions are incorrect.

First, you need to accept yourself and love yourself for who you really are. Remember that you are already a queen and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Many women experience divorce. This is not evidence of your inferiority. You must love yourself, then men will love you too.

Learn a lesson2

The only thing worth keeping from a past relationship is the lesson. It took a lot of time to analyze the former relationship. These reflections take place in the first few days, maybe weeks. That's all. The result of intense thoughts is a conclusion. In the future, only the conclusion should remain with the person. A list of mistakes that partners made. Situations when she gave up, and the confidence that she will not allow this to happen again.

Behavior, manners, yourself and your ex-boyfriend. All the things she needed to work on. All the things she no longer wants to see or tolerate in a future relationship. All. A dry list lying on a safe shelf in my head. No emotions, no regrets. No "ifs".

The nature of their communication and the reason for separation

First of all, answer yourself the question of why this worries you so much. There may be plenty of reasons for ex-husband and wife to communicate - these are common children, business or other vital interests. When a man actively participates in raising children from a previous family, this speaks more of his strengths than his shortcomings.

Do you suspect that the feelings between them have not cooled down? And this option is quite possible, especially if they have lived together for a long time, from eight years or more. You just can’t influence the existence of these feelings right here and now. You will need more time and a good strategy to become the main woman of his heart.

Why is it important to behave correctly in a situation where your spouse and his ex-wife are communicating? The main and, perhaps, her only advantage is that she knows him better than you, and most likely knows how to manipulate him perfectly. This is why it is so important for you not to make mistakes in behavior on your part.

But you also have an ace up your sleeve - despite the reasons for their breakup, and even who initiated it, they still broke up, and you are nearby, and you are his wife. Ask yourself what ideal scenario you would like to achieve (the option that his first family goes to colonize Mars does not count), and systematically move towards this goal.

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Time 3

It takes time to get away with a past relationship. In order for all those soul-corroding experiences to sink into oblivion, a sufficient amount of time must pass. You should not start a relationship immediately after breaking up your old one or very soon. All those painful memories and experiences will not have time to fade away. They will not have time to form one dry list.

A person needs to “ventilate”. Yes, to ventilate your body and thoughts from the sediment of past relationships. The imminent entry into new rights and responsibilities will further undermine the already vulnerable state. A person will involuntarily begin to compare and analyze two people and two different situations. This means that he will not be able to fully accept and enjoy new sensations. Relationships don't have to start with rehab.

Rehabilitation should be long before them. How to rehabilitate? Take a break. Travel, get creative, make long-conceived plans and dreams come true. Take care of yourself - study, develop, engage in active sports, clear away stagnant work trash. Takes care of yourself - do not skimp on good creams and decorative cosmetics, use the services of cosmetologists and massage therapists. How to rehabilitate? Live. Without fear of being alone. With clear intentions of self-improvement and self-love.

You need to give yourself time in order to understand a couple of simple truths. Where does she see herself in the future? Who does she see herself with in the future? Clearly and in detail, with points and sub-points, by answering at least two of these questions, a person will have a clear awareness of the desired future. This means that he already knows who he wants to see next to him, what qualities a person should have and what not. This means that readiness for new relationships and conquests is rapidly maturing.

Internet doesn't count

Often communication with exes takes place on the Internet. Often men, in response to claims voiced by a new woman on this matter, ask not to make mountains out of molehills, because “it’s just the Internet.”

There is a very fine line here, and situations can be different, notes Elena Kuznetsova. She is sure that if a man loves his woman, he will not hurt her. Or if he sees that the current woman is jealous, he will try to explain the situation. It will show correspondence, from which it is clear that they communicate with their ex extremely rarely, they simply congratulate each other on the holiday, for example.

Another thing is that the man denies everything, and in the evenings he disappears on the Internet, and his communication with his ex is very close. And even though we are talking not about real, but about virtual relationships, emotionally he is still with the other. He can be with a real woman, for example, for the sake of bed or “saucepans”.

Useful information

Elena Kuznetsova, director of the dating agency “I and You”, family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35.

“It sounds funny, but in this situation, a real woman finds herself in an even less advantageous situation than a virtual one, with whom the man lives internally and shares his impressions. If a man behaves like this, it means he is bored with his new woman. He does not receive what he receives from the previous chosen one,” states the psychologist.

A new girl needs to think more about her man in order to first displace and then replace her virtual friend, because interesting communication is rare. Just do not use assertive tactics under any circumstances if we are talking about a normal man and not. Rigidity can simply lead to a breakup, because your chosen one has already preferred another woman in terms of communication. And if a woman, less interesting in this regard, sets her own conditions, the man gets angry and says: “Don’t be hysterical, don’t invent something that doesn’t exist” - that is, he is already putting up blockers. If a woman continues to fight against a blocked door, she faces even more aggression.

Divorce certificates have already been received, financial problems have been resolved, and each spouse has begun a new life. But what should the relationship be like after a divorce, if there is a need to raise common children, run a joint business, or there are other reasons for meeting?

Of course, communication between former spouses, especially at first, is unlikely to become too confidential. However, it is possible to maintain decent and civilized relationships even after separation.

Calm 4

There is no need to be afraid of new relationships. Many people, while searching for their soul mate, believe that they are ready to enter into a new relationship. When things get serious, fear and panic sets in. What if it will be the same? Or worse? Maybe I'm not the same anymore? If it doesn’t work out, it will also hurt – that’s what the alarmist thinks. Well, dear, it’s worth turning to the points described above so as not to be afraid and to be confident in your desires.

Relationships with relatives of the ex-spouse

Your ex-husband’s relatives are also your child’s relatives, so you shouldn’t completely cut off relations with them.

No matter who initiated the divorce, the existing blood connection will not go away

First, make sure that the stress of the breakup itself has passed, and make decisions with a sober head. If you temporarily don’t want to communicate with your husband’s relatives, explain this to them, choose the right words, and they will understand you.

At the next stage, when emotions have subsided, decide for yourself how close a relationship you want to maintain with your ex-spouse’s family, and act based on your interests. choose and set a distance at which you feel comfortable, and do not allow these boundaries to be violated. At the same time, relationships may change over time, so you need to be prepared in advance for possible changes.

Be yourself5

When a possible relationship looms on the horizon, there is no need to be afraid. Without fear, rush into the abyss of new feelings! Necessary conditions: openness, honesty, sincerity. There is no need to rush into a relationship out of spite, as revenge or as a distraction.

Be open and sincere. This greatly increases the chances of sympathy and affection arising. Of course, a new relationship should begin warmly and openly. Omissions and secrets, imitation of feelings and interest never led to “happily ever after.”

But you should find out how to start a relationship again in our article further on the link.

Forgetting my husband after a breakup

The first time after a divorce is the most stressful moment, when a person feels that he is abandoned by everyone and cannot find the strength to cope with problems. But we need to remember that life goes on and you shouldn’t give up.

Never be afraid of your feelings and do not hide them in the depths of your subconscious. Allow yourself to release the accumulated tears. If there is no one to tell everything that has boiled over you during the divorce process, just shout out to yourself.

Initially it will be very difficult, memories of the loss of a loved one will often come to mind, but try not to succumb to such provocations. If you have less and less strength to fight apathy, then go on vacation, relax, or simply find a way to change the environment.

Try to forget about your problems at least for a short period, invite friends for a picnic or go shopping. Find the positive aspects of your divorce, for example: you have more time for yourself and your children, you can afford to meet with your friends at any time.

If you are left with a child, pay him as much attention as possible, because he, too, became a victim of a breakdown in family relationships. Organize a weekly vacation together, visit exhibitions, movies, start playing sports with your children.

Try to remember your ex-husband/wife as little as possible, you are now a free person and can build your own personal happiness. To avoid dwelling on self-pity, remove photographs that remind you of your previous life, hide everything that symbolizes past relationships. Forcefully smile at the world, since smiling is a way of forming an internal state.

What to expect when starting such a romance?

In fact, no two people are the same, so precise instructions are hardly appropriate. It all depends on how wise, experienced and optimistic the man himself is. Because some people gratefully perceive the knowledge and skills that they received in the process of a completed marriage, and calmly move on in life, without fear of building new relationships.

Anything can happen, and if the ex-wife robbed his recent husband to the bone, almost sent him around the world, forbade him to communicate with his children, and all this without good reason, then there is a possibility that such a man is afraid of, and sometimes curses, the entire female sex.

Here you need to decide - do you need such a man, who, in fact, at the moment is a bunch of claims to all living things and a flow of negative energy? If you need it, you will have to fight, and you will have a decent arsenal of methods:

Visiting a good psychoanalyst;
Joint activities, as they say, in socially useful matters - helping orphans, improving natural reserves and territories, fighting against auto-hammers and much, much more;
Legal consultations with the aim of restoring social justice violated by an unsuccessful and possibly illegal divorce;
Joint hobbies, travel, sports, dancing, yoga, martial arts.

This is just an example, it is important to understand the essence - a person who has suffered a deep psycho-emotional trauma, which for many is divorce, needs to fill his life with significant positive events, create so much positive and interesting that it displaces all the negativity and aggression. Moreover, time is not so important, but often the main role is attributed to it, citing the fact that it supposedly heals. There is nothing like that, care, respect, intensity and brightness of the surrounding reality heal.

What can you expect?

The fact that a divorced man who wants to create a new, strong, serious relationship will see in you a lady worthy in all respects. Often, as analytical data show, men after a divorce want to see a woman next to them:

With a gentle, kind disposition;
Optimistic and moderately cheerful;
But at the same time – smart and reasonable;
Well-groomed and attractive;
Sensitive and understanding;
Economic;
In demand in a professional environment, educated at the same level as a man;
Able to understand a companion at a glance.

Agree, the list is quite large, despite the fact that simply a good figure was often enough to enter into a first marriage. What can you do, this is the price of experience. A man with mileage is unlikely to be tempted by a dummy. So you have to comply! If, of course, he's worth it. Another important note - under no circumstances should you make sudden movements or kick a person into the registry office. It’s better not to use even hints here, because it’s very easy to scare off a divorced man. It is better to wait for his decision to propose to you, and first surround him with care and attention. They also say that love works miracles.

How to return your wife to the family: advice from a psychologist

The current wife does not directly prohibit it, but it noticeably annoys her. A smart man will make the right choice between the peace of a loved one and a “high relationship” with his ex-wife. Again, it should be clarified that we are talking about those families where there are no common children. To prevent children, if any, from suffering, you need to dot all the i’s even before creating a new family, and inform your woman that she will have to put up with the fact that you will visit your previous family and maintain at least business relations with your ex wife. If your current wife is sincere towards you and trusts you, she will most likely agree with you. Similar situations occur in the opposite situation, when your wife continues to communicate with her ex-husband. It would be worthy for a man to show that he trusts his half, at the same time, without hurting his self-esteem.